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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband is always grumpy

39 replies

Lavenderpillow · 02/08/2021 16:41

I’m feeling so tired of it today.
I’m always on edge.
I know he finds life hard because his father died and he has not got over it, and his mum is a rude nightmare thorn in his side. I’ve had my own share of family trouble too stemming from an abusive childhood and distanced myself from my entire family a few years back.
It’s all taken a toll on him.
On top of that our children have had health problems which have been very stressful at times and it’s been hard.
But, even taking all that into account, I just feel like he is grumpy.
Take this afternoon for instance, me and the kids were guessing between us what he would be doing when we got upstairs (he is WFH but it’s a quiet day and he sometimes does other stuff during quiet moments).
So we got upstairs and walked in the room and like ‘ah he’s doing blah blah, you were right’ and he was rolling his eyes at us and looked annoyed. We asked what the problem was and he said he didn’t like that we were joking about him. We didn’t get what the problem was and he said for us not to get our ‘hackles up’ and to leave the room. WTF!
I’m so sick of him being all narky and grumpy all the time. I feel like my mere presence is annoying him.
I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 16:44

Have you asked him why he thinks it's acceptable to be such a miserable prick to you?

Wouldyoudothesame · 02/08/2021 16:44

Could you sit down and ask him out right? Expai that his moodis effecting you and is there something that's needs to change or can be doneto improve te situation because you don't want to continue like this. Perhaps get a babysitter so you can have a serious sit down and chat elsewhere x

Original poster

Lavenderpillow · 02/08/2021 16:47

He just came downstairs. I said to him that he seems unhappy all the time and he said he isn’t, but he feels like we are always joking about him. One of our kids definitely makes a lot of comments about him but I don’t.

OP posts:

ShaaaaaalAhLah · 02/08/2021 16:59

@lavenderpillow One of the kids makes a lot comments is probably because his a miserable git!

You know it takes more muscles to frown then it does to smile. Which makes me wonder how can someone be miserable all day - its not healthy. Talk to him, be a listener and try and understand what it is he doesn't like or whats the root issue. Once you work that out, hopefully things might get better

girl71 · 02/08/2021 17:08

"So we got upstairs and walked in the room and like ‘ah he’s doing blah blah, you were right’ and he was rolling his eyes at us and looked annoyed. We asked what the problem was and he said he didn’t like that we were joking about him. We didn’t get what the problem was and he said for us not to get our ‘hackles up’ and to leave the room. WTF! "

Tbh Op that would annoy me if i were in yr DH's position. Clearly you and the whole family have had a lot to deal with recently but, some cope better than others. What you may see as funny others will not. He has lost his father and his mum is clearly depending on him for now. Coupled with your own family issues with the DC, and your NC with yr family, he has a lot on his plate and is grieving. He was also WFH after all. That is his temp office. Not sure if he is also sole breadwinner?

I am NC with my own family for similar issues to you so , understand why would you chose that but , he is still in contact with his, clearly wants to maintain that and loves them, whatever yr views on them ( his mum) are . My Dad died a few yrs ago but as i am NC and he wasn't a great father i coped ok. My now exDH lost his Dad 10 yrs and he was literally broken by it. His Dad was a great man , great father and my exDH idolised him. Your husband may still be grieving and feeling overwhelmed by all the responsibility/worry now on his plate.

If he is grumpy he is clearly stressed. I am not saying you are not stressed either but , i think you are over reacting here based on what you have said so far.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2021 17:11

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Is this the sort of atmosphere you want to raise your children further in?. What are they learning about relationships here from you two?. Is your child who is making most of the comments here re him what you also think?.

You had an abusive childhood and I am wondering if you went onto marry an abusive man yourself. Many people also have bad things happen to them in their lives and they choose not to behave like your H does towards you all. He does this because he can and it works for him.

billy1966 · 02/08/2021 17:12

OP,
Your children will be fully aware of tge misery he is.

Perhaps he should go and stay with his mother and give you and the children a break.

He is dragging the whole house down.

This is neither good nor fair on you and your children.

Lots of people have shit going on that makes life challenging but the solution is NOT to be a grumpy PITA dragging everyone down.

His miserable face and manner will be your childrens abiding memory of their childhood.

You need to get organised, get firm with him and ask him is it better he leaves as he is making life miserable for those that live with him.

Don't couch it in nice terms.
He needs some tough straight talking.

Original poster

Lavenderpillow · 02/08/2021 17:17

I went and had a talk with him upstairs. He said he feels really beaten down by every to big we have been through over the last several years and that dd is always commenting on him negatively. I do think that dh definitely hasn’t helped matters at times but somehow we have ended up with a dynamic where I’m the good cop and he is the bad cop. I think it’s probably because I’m a bit more relaxed as a parent, but it’s hard to totally know.
I just really want a harmonious home having grown up in a fractious miserable house myself.

OP posts:

girl71 · 02/08/2021 17:20

"One of our kids definitely makes a lot of comments about him but I don’t".

Do you reinforce to the child (and yr other children ) that these "comments" are not acceptable or kind when it refers to their father? I would be hurt too. Even more so , if i thought my children's other parent ( my DH) was allowing them to talk about me in that way. You are the adult here and understand how recent life events could affect him and his ability to cope, young children do not.

"He just came downstairs. I said to him that he seems unhappy all the time and he said he isn’t, but he feels like we are always joking about him".

Are you always joking about him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2021 17:21

You won't get a harmonious home with him moping about how hard done by he is in life.

He should not be surprised that his daughter is commenting on him negatively. She probably wonders of you why you and her dad are still together.

What has he done to help his own self here other than try and bring the rest of the household down?.

MichelleScarn · 02/08/2021 17:24

How old are the kids? Take this afternoon for instance, me and the kids were guessing between us what he would be doing when we got upstairs (he is WFH but it’s a quiet day and he sometimes does other stuff during quiet moments).
So we got upstairs and walked in the room and like ‘ah he’s doing blah blah, you were right’ and he was rolling his eyes at us and looked annoyed. We asked what the problem was and he said he didn’t like that we were joking about him. We didn’t get what the problem was and he said for us not to get our ‘hackles up’ and to leave the room. WTF!

I don't get how this is funny what you did? You say good cop/bad cop, but does he see it as more you all vs him? 'We asked what the problem is' your kids said to their Dad 'what's your problem'? That's just rude, especially if he is actually WFH and in a break you all pop in and take the piss.

girl71 · 02/08/2021 17:26

" @AttilaTheMeerkat He should not be surprised that his daughter is commenting on him negatively. She probably wonders of you why you and her dad are still together."

Agree, he would be much happier if the Op took the children and moved out somewhere else, leaving him alone in peace.

Original poster

Lavenderpillow · 02/08/2021 17:32

No I don’t joke about him.

We have unfortunately ended up with some situations where we haven’t told dh about a few things- like me letting dd have more sweets than dh would like, or not telling him about them doing something naughty etc- and I think that has created a bit of an us v him thing. That’s totally on me. I def am guilty of making that mistake because I’m obsessed with ensuring our kids have a really happy childhood because my own was so shit and I end up spoiling them. Dh can be very uptight and strict as a parent. So we have ended up with this situation.
Oh god I’m to blame aren’t i

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 02/08/2021 17:44

Is he uptight and strict, or does he just parent?
I do actually feel a bit for him as its its easy to be the fun Disney parent and even worse for the other parent when a us/them situation is being encouraged by your spouse.

Original poster

Lavenderpillow · 02/08/2021 17:46

Someone asked what I get from our relationship- he is my best friend and my favourite person to spend time with. I honestly wouldn’t still be alive if it wasn’t for his support over the years.

OP posts:

Blackbird2020 · 02/08/2021 17:47

It doesn’t sound like you’re Ailey to blame, but I think you both need to do a little more meeting in the middle re parenting.

He’s having a tough time, so maybe lay off the harmless jokes for the time being and put a little more effort into making sure your DD doesn’t make matters (inadvertently) worse, and he could try to understand better how his grumpiness is affecting the family dynamic, and do his level best to bite his tongue too.

Original poster

Lavenderpillow · 02/08/2021 17:51

@MichelleScarn well he wants the kids to finish every bite of their dinner and to only spend an hour gaming a day and things like that, which I think he could chill out a bit on.
I can see I have fucked this up now

OP posts:

girl71 · 02/08/2021 17:52

Op, you are not to blame but i do think you carried on some learned behaviours from yr own upbringing. I did the same.

Allowing more sweets and hiding bad behaviour does not mean you love yr children more than you were loved. Children need boundaries, structure, discipline and respect. I had private counselling to address my issues before i had children and it helped me greatly.

I think yr DH is overwhelmed by grief and responsibility and you are seeing that as grumpiness. You need to take yr children in hand now and stop this disrespect of their father. You also need to work with yr husband in terms of the children's upbringing. You both now need to be a support to the other in coping with what life has thrown at you.

girl71 · 02/08/2021 17:59

"well he wants the kids to finish every bite of their dinner and to only spend an hour gaming a day and things like that, which I think he could chill out a bit on."

He is parenting, responsibly.

Blackbird2020 · 02/08/2021 18:03

he wants the kids to finish every bite of their dinner and to only spend an hour gaming a day

Which is his opinion, nor more or no less valid than yours. Can you meet halfway? So where you would happily give the kids 2 hours of gaming per day, instead you could both agree on 1.5hrs? Stuff like that helps both sides feel heard and respected.

billy1966 · 02/08/2021 18:04

With more information I can tell you it is not fun to be the bad cop and from the behaviour you describe I would be very pissed off if I was him.

YOU have created an us and him dynamic which is notbgood for your children to witness.

Of course you might be a bit easier going but full on disney parent is not on at all.

I think you need to perhaps really set aside time to talk to him about establishing a better middle ground because what you are party to is not a happy childhood.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/08/2021 18:08

Current thinking is not to make children eat every bite of their dinner as it encourages over eating and could lead to eating disorders.

Why does he make them keep eating if they’re full?! That’s crap parenting. Unless he’s one of those who are obsessed with ‘waste’

I’ve never forced mine to eat everything. Don’t think l could stand to be with someone as uptight as that. Pointless rule.

Original poster

Lavenderpillow · 02/08/2021 18:10

You are all right. I have failed terribly.
I agree about trying to meet in the middle re parenting. I’ll talk to him about that tonight.
How do I fix the us v him situation and the need for more respect?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lavenderpillow · 02/08/2021 18:11

But yes the eating every bite of dinner thing does apparently cause eating disorders. I think he enforces that because ds has a habit of saying he is full and then asking for crisps/ croissants ten minutes later tho.

OP posts:

MMMarmite · 02/08/2021 18:14

Yeah it does sound like you are undermining him.

You need to find a compromise between you about what rules you think are right, then both enforce them together.

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