Husband is always grumpy

[Lavenderpillow]

I’m feeling so tired of it today.
I’m always on edge.
I know he finds life hard because his father died and he has not got over it, and his mum is a rude nightmare thorn in his side. I’ve had my own share of family trouble too stemming from an abusive childhood and distanced myself from my entire family a few years back.
It’s all taken a toll on him.
On top of that our children have had health problems which have been very stressful at times and it’s been hard.
But, even taking all that into account, I just feel like he is grumpy.
Take this afternoon for instance, me and the kids were guessing between us what he would be doing when we got upstairs (he is WFH but it’s a quiet day and he sometimes does other stuff during quiet moments).
So we got upstairs and walked in the room and like ‘ah he’s doing blah blah, you were right’ and he was rolling his eyes at us and looked annoyed. We asked what the problem was and he said he didn’t like that we were joking about him. We didn’t get what the problem was and he said for us not to get our ‘hackles up’ and to leave the room. WTF!
I’m so sick of him being all narky and grumpy all the time. I feel like my mere presence is annoying him.
I don’t know what to do.

If he’s full he’s full. Just say no to crisps etc straight after dinner.

The children are not eating main meals as they are full up on sweets. If a child sized portion is on the table, and they are eating at appropriate meal times, they should eat what is served generally. Perhaps the odd veg left. Sweets and treats are extras, in moderation and only after main meals had. I think OP's kids are not eating main meals as full up on sweets and treats .

Op, can you look at online patenting tutorials? I suspect , in person ones , will be suspended due to covid. Also, and with kindness, some possible counselling for yourself moving forward.

It sounds like the you and the kids Vs him isn't helping his mood, nor is your DD's regular comments, and your jokey example earlier would've irritated me if I was already feeling low TBH. I'd work on a way for the 2 of you to become the united front so it's more you and your DH "Vs" the children.

I think I would have been a bit peeved too but because I felt guilty for not working and there is absolutely no need to take it out on others. I wouldn't blame yourself here either OP, we are all human and we are all doing the best we can with the skills we have. As long as we are all learning and growing then we are doing well.

Can I ask where you heard about eating every bite causing eating disorders? I had a eating disorder for a decade and there is a long list of reasons but I've never heard this. Is there a study? Genuinely interested...

At the beginning of this thread when you mentioned about your DH's bereavement this chimed with me... my DH became a joyless husk after losing his dad who was a good age and in his 90s. It came over 6 months and it wasn't me that turned the situation round - it was a concerned work colleague who had a word with him. He came home via the GP with a script for antidepressants. The family have a history of poor mental health especially around bereavement. Add young children and some building work and then this is an unholy mix... but at the time I was talking to friends about the horrible atmosphere and thinking that was the end... so do you have anyone you can trust who can objectively say your DH's behaviour has changed who can have a quiet word...

@colourmeclear I can’t remember where I’ve read it but I’ve heard it a few times over the years. I’m sorry you had an eating disorder.

colourmeclear

It’s standard child guidance l think. There’s a link here

www.childfeedingguide.co.uk/tips/common-feeding-pitfalls/pressure-eat/

Interesting link but it doesn’t explicitly link pressurising children to finish their plates to eating disorders, that’s probably quite an extreme interpretation of what was explained as the possible negative side effects.

Anyway, OP, the main thing is to keep communicating respectfully to each other. You’re different people with different histories both trying to do your best by your children. As long as you can understand each other’s weaknesses and respect them (as opposed to dismiss or ridicule them) then I think you’re off to a good start.

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. I made a list of changes we will make and we had a long talk this evening about it all. I feel positive that things will be better going forward.

@Lavenderpillow

But yes the eating every bite of dinner thing does apparently cause eating disorders. I think he enforces that because ds has a habit of saying he is full and then asking for crisps/ croissants ten minutes later tho.

Maybe then you could agree they can stop when full, as continuing to eat past that point isn't healthy. But DC put their leftovers in the fridge and if they want anything before the next meal they can eat their leftovers.

It’s not the only link, there’s loads.

It’s also NHS guidance

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-weight/healthy-weight-children-advice-for-parents/

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Is this the sort of atmosphere you want to raise your children further in?. What are they learning about relationships here from you two?. Is your child who is making most of the comments here re him what you also think?.

You had an abusive childhood and I am wondering if you went onto marry an abusive man yourself. Many people also have bad things happen to them in their lives and they choose not to behave like your H does towards you all. He does this because he can and it works for him.

You are making assumptions from one post.

OP, is your DH perhaps feeling alienated from the family? You and kids v him? Is your DC getting cheeky towards DH and getting away with it? Sounds like you both need to really talk and more importantly, listen to each other and hopefully reset your relationship.

Re the meal thing, I found it very important to not put too much on a plate as it can be really off putting and in this house their certainly would be crisps and sweets after not eating a normal dinner.

So middle ground is very important.
Glad that you are working with him to improve things.

The children will hugely benefit from seeing ye both pulling together.

With the meals, you can let them finish eating when they're ready but say no to snacking afterwards. There is a middle ground. Good that you've managed to talk and move forward.