AIBU about boyfriend's attitude to unemployment

[randocalrissian]

Just need a bit of a sounding board as to whether my feelings are reasonable of if I'm being insensitive.

BF of nearly 3 years. We don't live together. I have a 10 year old DD.

He's lovely, I love him to bits we get on really well. He's incredibly considerate and sensitive, chilled and sweet, is very kind to my DD etc. Generally no complaints.

He is, however, less ambitious than me. This never mattered really when he was working. He always paid his way (and more) and it didn't bother me that he didn't have a flashy job. He got laid off about three months ago and is coming to the end of his notice period.

He's applying for lots of jobs and getting interviews but is not being offered stuff.

I'm sympathetic. Up to a point. But I think there's a lack of urgency about it on his side which I think is coming across in his interactions with potential employers. His involvement with trying to find work seems to stop with engaging with recruiters when they send him stuff. He is doing interviews and is professional enough when he gets them doesn't seem to be proactively following up on leads or going beyond the basics. He's not asking for feedback from recruiters. He's had a couple of interviews where I saw an opportunity for him to go back immediately after the calls and reiterate his keenness for the job and he let it slide. He's told me about interviews which he's had where I could see he hadn't really stepped up and had answered questions in less than promising ways.

I can't say he's exactly being lazy but he just doesn't seem as motivated and fired up as I would be. He seems to spend a lot of his free time (of which he's shortly going to have a lot) playing various kinds of computer games. I messaged him earlier to ask how the job hunting was going and he said he'd been watching TV.

We don't live together thankfully so its not like I'm worrying about household finances or anything. I'm very lucky in that I don't have to worry about the impact of a man not pulling his weight financially. My ex husband was a bit of a cocklodger and I'm never yoking myself again to a man who can't pull his weight.

But this has made me wonder whether we have a long term future together. If we were living together I would be finding it quite frustrating. I keep having to bite my tongue to stop myself questioning him on where he's got to with his job hunt, has he tried x or y etc. I don't want to be his mum and its his responsibility to sort himself out. But inside I am running out of patience with his apparent lack of hunger to find a job.

Am I being harsh? I know its tough out there and its clearly affected his self-esteem and motivation and its not my rodeo. But at the same time I can't help thinking he needs to pull his finger out a bit.

You are NOT being harsh.

One CL was enough for you.

This is who he is, so listen carefully.

This relationship is unlikely to have legs if you do not wish to be the main breadwinner.

If you have finished having children then definitely do not join households withba man like him.

Oh and you have children, why would you want to mother this man?

It will kill your libido dead.

Do not mention his career.
His business.

Move on.

This relationship is unlikely to have legs if you do not wish to be the main breadwinner

I don't mind being the main breadwinner at all. In fact in some ways I prefer it. But I don't want to be the only breadwinner and I don't want to be with someone who lacks ambition. It's not just about money its about wanting to be with someone who has the drive to move forwards and wants a job they find interesting. It doesn't have to be hugely well-paid. I'm quite comfortable being with someone who earns less than me. But I don't want to be with someone who drifts aimlessly and lives paycheck to paycheck.

No plan to join households with him. Even if he was a multi-millionaire I would have significant doubts about this.

No you are not being harsh.

Re your comment:-
"My ex husband was a bit of a cocklodger and I'm never yoking myself again to a man who can't pull his weight."

You seem to have a boyfriend who cannot or equally will not pull his weight now. You do not need this current man in your life even though he is nice to your child. What sort of an example is he to her?. When someone tells or shows you who they are, believe them.

You seem to have a boyfriend who cannot or equally will not pull his weight now.

You may be right. On the one hand I don't want to drop him purely because he hasn't yet managed to find a job in a tough market -- he's been applying for a couple of months, not a year and its not as if he's sitting on his arse all day doing nothing.

On the other hand: if I don't see some evidence that he's being a bit more focused and strategic in the next few weeks I will reappraise things. You're absolutely right that I don't need him and while I do like him I'm not going to carry someone who isn't pulling their weight.

I was made redundant in August last year so can sympathise with him to an extent.
Took me 6 months and hundreds of applications to get the job I'm in now

Does he live alone or with family? If he lives alone and has rent and bills to pay, when his income finishes that might focus his mind a bit more

@southeastlady

He lives with a friend. He has some savings so he'll be OK for a period (probably a few months) after his income runs out. But still.

I guess I will go against what PP have said. I lost my job last year in April and it took me til the end of Oct to find another one. It's tough out there right now and the competition is stiff. I don't think 3 months is that long at all in todays Post Covid world. He's going on interviews so that means he's putting in a effort. I would give him more time.

It's tough out there right now and the competition is stiff.

Yep. I'm very conscious of this, which is partly why I'm not inclined to put pressure on.

I don't think 2.5 months is a particularly outrageously long time to be job-hunting for. But if it were me I would be pounding the pavements, setting work hours aside for it and pulling every possible lever.

In my universe a job hunting schedule would not allow time for watching boxed sets.

I also don't agree with what has been said. He IS applying for jobs and he IS getting interviews.

The fact that he doesn't apply and that he doesn't interview the exact same way you would, does not mean he is unambitious or a CL. He is him, and it is HIM that they are interviewing. It is HIM that will be doing the job and he will do it HIS way. Not all employers want someone like you or someone who goes out of their way to demonstrate how much they 'want' the job. Employers want someone who is the right fit for their company.

I think that you are projecting your history and relationship baggage on him.

Not all employers want someone like you or someone who goes out of their way to demonstrate how much they 'want' the job.

I get what you're saying about it being his style but this just isn't true. Any employer wants a job candidate to demonstrate they are keen to do the job, whether they are a corporate lawyer or a cleaner. No one ever got a job by making like they couldn't arsed.

I think that you are projecting your history and relationship baggage on him.

That could well be true - I am paranoid about anything that smells like cocklodger behaviour. None of which he has demonstrated to date. But that doesn't mean he's working hard enough to get a job.

My 23 year old son works in IT and has for 6 years, has a very good CV, lives in London and very good recruiter contacts and it still took him 7 weeks earlier this summer and he was very active . The fact is OP he’s getting interviews and everyone has a different idea of job hunting— somecwill only stick to roles they 100% could do and want to do, others apply for anything and it’s mother at a frantic rates. Some hassle recruiters (I used to work in internal recruitment) and others don’t. No amount of anyone hassling me as to how keen they were would make me give someone the job unless they were 100% the right candidate, if you aren’t supporting him financially, I would chill out and let him get on with it—

I’m going to go against the grain a little bit, as he’s not financially linked to you I don’t really think it’s any of your business. He is looking for work and getting interviews. He’s not decided to go on the dole for the rest of his life!

I was made redundant earlier this year. In my first few weeks hunting I spent all day looking. Once I’d got on top of the search, it only took an hour a day to check the sites if registered on, look through my recruitment emails etc. I was lucky enough to secure a new role in about 6 weeks so it was enough.

Normally I'd be totally on your side here OP but having recently been made redundant I can confirm that the job market is incredibly tough. This is coming from someone who usually takes about 2-3 weeks to find a new job when I've wanted to move in the past!

I've applied for over 12 roles, had 8 interviews and fortunately, one offer. In the past I'd have had 3-4 offers from those 8 interviews.

The job market is shit right now. Employers are being incredibly fussy, commitment phobic almost. Also, appearing desperate in an interview is the last thing I'd advise anyone to do! I'd actually recommend being more chilled, because anyone in demand, knows they are and if an employer wants them, they need to move fast. In the past, when someone hassled me after interview I found it annoying, not positive.

There's only so many times you can look at job boards in one week, only so many times you can rewrite your CV, but self care and trying to stay positive in my opinion are very important.

When I was made redundant I was kicked out on the Friday started my new job on the Monday. I was very much like you go go go. A colleague of mine who had also been made redundant started working with us a few months later. He used the time in between to do what he wanted to do and to recharge. I envied him a little because I really had no ability not to charge full steam ahead because of my anxiety and fear around lots of things like money, identity, purpose etc.

I would give him 3 months and then re-evaluate but also be clear that you won't be able to help him financially and he will need to continue to self fund.

Job hunting can be tough and depressing - apply, get rejected, apply, get rejected, repeat, repeat, repeat. And there's the law of diminishing returns - once you've spent a couple of hours visiting the job sites and submitting applications, will spending another 6 hours doing more of the same get you much further forwards? Or are you better served by taking a break form job hunting and doing something else? Of course, when an interview's pending, extra time should be taken to research the company and prepare.

Your BF is getting interviews, so he's doing something right. But in each interview he'll be up against other candidates, and will have say a 20% chance of success. Hopefully the new job is coming soon.

Interesting to get these very different perspectives on here. I'm lucky enough to be in a secure and well-paid job so I may be being a bit complacent about this.

@Treacletoots

your perspective is interesting: I have to say that's really different from the culture I work in where you have to be proactive and keen to get a foot in the door -- an employer just wouldn't bother with someone who wasn't as keen as mustard.

And yeah I agree self-care and staying positive are probably important. And he does do both of those.

I would give him 3 months and then re-evaluate but also be clear that you won't be able to help him financially and he will need to continue to self fund.

Oh yeah there's no question of him getting financial support from me. That's never been on the table.

You know what, you list all the amazing things about your boyfriend. And he does seem pretty special and I think most of us would like someone like that. But that's not enough for you is it. He is not, in your opinion, being proactive enough getting another job. Though I seriously don't know what the hell that has to do with you. You're not financially linked and you don't live together. Quite frankly I think he may be better off with someone a whole less judgey than you.

lot less

He's applying, he's getting interviews. It's a tough market, and your finances are not linked.
Your experiences are not universal.
You are being really unsympathetic

Though I seriously don't know what the hell that has to do with you. You're not financially linked and you don't live together.

It would have a lot to do with me if we shared finances. I'm not putting pressure on him and in fact have barely talked to him about it. But I'm not coming at this in a total vacuum. It does have some bearing on me. I am fully open to the possibility that I'm being unsympathetic so I'll take this on the chin.

It's interesting that this thread has veered from "get rid, he's a cocklodger" to "you're an unsympathetic bitch, let me take him off your hands" in less than 20 messages . Somehow I find this strangely reassuring. Good old mumsnet.

I think you're being unfair. He clearly has a different style of job hunting than you, but if he's always been gainfully employed and is still getting interviews now in a tough market, then you can't really say his style is all wrong.

Perhaps his field is also a bit different, I know a lot of the usual advice would be weird in my field (e.g. if you called after the interview to reiterate how keen you were, people would find that really weird)

Just offering a different perspective here: I’ve been working in some way or another since I’m 14 years old and am now 37. The longest time I ever had off was about two weeks.

I said to myself if I ever get made redundant, I would take it really easy for a few months. Could he be feeling the same?

I also agree with other posters that it isn’t that long depending on his industry.

Op, do you how depressing job hunting is? Rejection after rejection. Wasted time and efforts. He needs time off applying for things, it easily becomes overwhelming.