AIBU about boyfriend's attitude to unemployment

[randocalrissian]

Just need a bit of a sounding board as to whether my feelings are reasonable of if I'm being insensitive.

BF of nearly 3 years. We don't live together. I have a 10 year old DD.

He's lovely, I love him to bits we get on really well. He's incredibly considerate and sensitive, chilled and sweet, is very kind to my DD etc. Generally no complaints.

He is, however, less ambitious than me. This never mattered really when he was working. He always paid his way (and more) and it didn't bother me that he didn't have a flashy job. He got laid off about three months ago and is coming to the end of his notice period.

He's applying for lots of jobs and getting interviews but is not being offered stuff.

I'm sympathetic. Up to a point. But I think there's a lack of urgency about it on his side which I think is coming across in his interactions with potential employers. His involvement with trying to find work seems to stop with engaging with recruiters when they send him stuff. He is doing interviews and is professional enough when he gets them doesn't seem to be proactively following up on leads or going beyond the basics. He's not asking for feedback from recruiters. He's had a couple of interviews where I saw an opportunity for him to go back immediately after the calls and reiterate his keenness for the job and he let it slide. He's told me about interviews which he's had where I could see he hadn't really stepped up and had answered questions in less than promising ways.

I can't say he's exactly being lazy but he just doesn't seem as motivated and fired up as I would be. He seems to spend a lot of his free time (of which he's shortly going to have a lot) playing various kinds of computer games. I messaged him earlier to ask how the job hunting was going and he said he'd been watching TV.

We don't live together thankfully so its not like I'm worrying about household finances or anything. I'm very lucky in that I don't have to worry about the impact of a man not pulling his weight financially. My ex husband was a bit of a cocklodger and I'm never yoking myself again to a man who can't pull his weight.

But this has made me wonder whether we have a long term future together. If we were living together I would be finding it quite frustrating. I keep having to bite my tongue to stop myself questioning him on where he's got to with his job hunt, has he tried x or y etc. I don't want to be his mum and its his responsibility to sort himself out. But inside I am running out of patience with his apparent lack of hunger to find a job.

Am I being harsh? I know its tough out there and its clearly affected his self-esteem and motivation and its not my rodeo. But at the same time I can't help thinking he needs to pull his finger out a bit.

@Shitapillar

You know what, you list all the amazing things about your boyfriend. And he does seem pretty special and I think most of us would like someone like that. But that's not enough for you is it. He is not, in your opinion, being proactive enough getting another job. Though I seriously don't know what the hell that has to do with you. You're not financially linked and you don't live together. Quite frankly I think he may be better off with someone a whole less judgey than you.

This, with knobs on.

Get off the poor man's back, ffs.

I really don't think he's being unreasonable. He seems to have a healthy approach to the situation (or he may be way more stressed but choosing not to show it).

It really depends on his industry but I know even highly sought after people have struggled with securing jobs as employers are extremely apprehensive about taking on staff. There is less job movement as people fear another lockdown and lack of furlough. Another wave of redundancies could happen shortly.

If you are losing respect for him then perhaps you are not right for him. Are you a Type A personality?

I think you need to reflect on how you view your partner, and perhaps you're clouded by previous relationship like you acknowledge could be a factor.

Your attitude is condescending and unfair. Arrogant almost. Like you think you're better than him because you're in a more fortunate position. The assumption you would do such a better job in his position is doubtful. As others have said, you don't know how soul destroying a job search is, especially at the moment.

As an interviewer, if anyone phoned again after the interview to say they're keen, that would be a red flag. Unprofessional and inappropriate. Any reasonable job interview process would not and could not be swayed by this. But I concede other industries may be different.

I also think your approach would be terrible. A good way to burn yourself out after 1 week of job hunting. Also, there are certain industries where recruiters are the only access to jobs unfortunately.

I think you need to reflect on whether you want to be with someone for who they are or what they are. If it's the latter, maybe he's not for you.

I think you're being a bit unrealistic about what job hunting involves and how much s person can actually do in a day - talking about pounding the streets and pulling every lever and not having time to watch TV.
Jobs don't appear every few minutes and need to be pounced on.

I've done a lot of recruitment in the past year. Not one person has called after the interview to reiterate how much they want the job. Which is good because a) that is what the interview is for and I'm not going to be swayed positively beyond that; b) it's just wasting my time which does not leave a good impression and; c) I find it rather tacky and unprofessional.

I agree with a previous poster's thoughts that you sound arrogant. You don't seem to understand that the job market is not easy right now or how demoralising repeated rejections can be. You also think your way is the only way.

you dont live together.
i dont think you get any say in his ability to follow up on leads.
let him find a job his own way.
not your concern imo

OP you’ve never been made redundant have you?

It can be tough. It impacts your self esteem and in the current market it could take months.

You expect him to “work 9-5” pounding the streets and hassling recruiters with no downtime, and that’s unreasonable. There’s only so much you can do. I’m a senior manager and when I was job hunting you can only do an hour or so a day seeing what’s new, speaking to agencies etc.

I think you need to accept you don’t know what it’s like and you’re being pretty unfair on him here

be there for his mental health, which may be taking a battering from rejects, he doesnt need a battering from his gf as well

I don't think your concerns are necessarily unfair considering your past experiences. However, you seem overly invested in what he is or isn't doing which is affecting you. Perhaps step back and see what unfolds. When and if he gets another job, see how the land lies. He make take off with the right job, you never know.

It's very sensible to not want to become financially tangled with someone else at this stage and perhaps you need to consider whether someone with a different level of ambition and drive to you is actually right for you. Have you given that enough serious thought? Perhaps you do need someone more driven to compliment your own ethics and attitudes to work.

I think it shows a side of him. Laid back man, laid back attitude.

Me I'd have found a care role in a day, started the DBS process as that takes time. As you say, he's not done anything like that.

It doesn't affect you financially so that's good. To me, it's just the negative side of being such a laid back personality. We all have good and bad sides.

Given that it doesn't affect you tho, it's not a huge deal. We all tolerate things about our partners and have to be tolerated ourselves.

I dont agree with those calling you out. I live with someone who is very lazy and gives up work at the drop of a hat and it do not respect it. Some people are not hard workers.

If that's how you feel OP then yanbu, you're allowed your opinion and if ambition is important to you then fair enough.

But I'm just wondering why it matters so much when your finances are completely separate and will remain so?

Perhaps he'll step it up when his notice period expires.

@randocalrissian

Though I seriously don't know what the hell that has to do with you. You're not financially linked and you don't live together.

It would have a lot to do with me if we shared finances. I'm not putting pressure on him and in fact have barely talked to him about it. But I'm not coming at this in a total vacuum. It does have some bearing on me. I am fully open to the possibility that I'm being unsympathetic so I'll take this on the chin.

It's interesting that this thread has veered from "get rid, he's a cocklodger" to "you're an unsympathetic bitch, let me take him off your hands" in less than 20 messages . Somehow I find this strangely reassuring. Good old mumsnet.

But you don't share finances. And based on your posts he's not asking you to share finances. So that's entirely irrelevant.

Several job seeking advice columnists specifically say it's counterproductive to pound pavements and apply for literally everything. It's a waste of energy and resilience. Instead, they advocate taking a much more nuanced approach and only applying for jobs which are genuinely match the applicant's skill set - for as long as possible before finances demand otherwise.

So, what it boils down to is that you'd interview differently to him.

I also think it's none of your business and that you're being really unsympathetic.