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Original poster

He won’t commit but

40 replies

notgoodpud · 02/08/2021 14:53

So I’ve got myself in such a situation. I met a man at work, we seemed to hit it off straight away. He was very affectionate, all over me etc. After about 2 months in he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I stupidly stuck with him even though I was falling for him. We’ve been doing this for about 18 months now. We sleep together, flirt at work. People have asked if we’re together at work and he doesn’t say anything. Or we laugh it off and make a joke of it.
Recently he’s been so much more affectionate, he would see me once a week, we’d order food and it felt like a relationship. I thought we could get somewhere. I wanted us to have a conversation and was braving up to it

Yesterday he left his phone unlocked and I went through it. I know I shouldn’t of but I just needed to know if he was talking to other girls.

I found a long text message from him to presumably his ex? Saying how he will always he’s putting the work in to change for her. He’s fighting hard for her, he’s even going to therapy because he wants to be the person she deserves. I know I shouldn’t of looked but I feel so heartbroken. Why her and not me? Why is she good enough for all this change but you can’t bother with a relationship with me. I know everyone going to tell me I was wrong and I know but I just felt like we were finally in a good place. He didn’t stay last night but he’s text me asking if everything is okay Sad

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/08/2021 14:55

Block his number; he wants to have all the benefit of a relationship without actually being in one

PositiveLife · 02/08/2021 14:56

Run like the wind. It's not you, it's him. He's lying to her so he doesn't think more of her than you. He's just a twat that says whatever he needs to get his own way.

CanofCant · 02/08/2021 14:57

Don't think of it as you versus her. He hasn't been working hard to change for her really has he? He has been paying lip service to her whilst having sex with you and messaging other women. He's a piece of shit that doesn't deserve any of you.

BumBurnerBum · 02/08/2021 14:57

Yes he is using you and this will flatten your self esteem and potentially affect your career.

You deserve better, concentrate on someone who values you.

Original poster
notgoodpud · 02/08/2021 14:57

How do you know he’s lying to her? It’s not really important but I get the feeling he’s still in love with her

OP posts:
Pegasusmail · 02/08/2021 14:59

I would not tell him what you know but just say to him you have gone off him. Don't give him anything. Just say you are bored and don't have feelings. That's would I would do (and have done)

LtDansleg · 02/08/2021 14:59

@notgoodpud

How do you know he’s lying to her? It’s not really important but I get the feeling he’s still in love with her
Because he’s still shagging you? Do you think his ex is aware of his 18 month relationship with you?
OrchestraOfWankery · 02/08/2021 15:01

@notgoodpud

How do you know he’s lying to her? It’s not really important but I get the feeling he’s still in love with her
You think he's going to tell her he's shagging you? Of course he's lying to her. By omission at least.
Original poster
notgoodpud · 02/08/2021 15:01

No but they haven’t been together for two years. I know I need to end it. It’s just so hard. I’m really in love with him. And we work together and it’s going to be so awkward.

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 02/08/2021 15:05

She's the 'one that got away'. You'll never match up to her in his eyes.

Bexxe · 02/08/2021 15:05

firstly, im so sorry this has happened to you, there is no worse feeling.
secondly, dont compare yourself. There is nothing she has that you dont.
Without trying to sound all hippy dippy and stupid, but shes just his person. Theres no explainign ti sometimes, virtually everyone has this experience at some in their life and whilst you straight away try to find your faults to make them right. This isnt about you, you could of been the most amazing person in this world, but she came first. You can never win against time and memories.
Let this one go, i promise you you will thank yourself for it. Because your entertaining this your not able to see what else is out there

5togo · 02/08/2021 15:07

Whether he loves her or not, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. That’s all you need to know.

MrsSquirrel · 02/08/2021 15:08

You are not really in love with him. You are in love with a facade that he projects. He is dishonest with you in the same way he is dishonest with his ex, telling you what you want to hear.

OrchestraOfWankery · 02/08/2021 15:11

@MrsSquirrel

You are not really in love with him. You are in love with a facade that he projects. He is dishonest with you in the same way he is dishonest with his ex, telling you what you want to hear.
Yes this. Would you have entertained being with someone who told you from the start he was pining for his ex and still trying to get her back?
FoxgloveSummers · 02/08/2021 15:11

You've accepted crumbs from this guy, so instead of asking why he's been stringing you along (it's not complex, he's duplicitous and self-interested) ask why you've tolerated this treatment. And how you can improve your own sense of self-worth to avoid being treated this like in future.

He's a knob it goes without saying. I feel like his ex won't have him back for very good reasons!

Hekatestorch · 02/08/2021 15:19

He is working to change for her.....whole shagging you?

Of course he is lying. You know he is lying, he is a dick.

But of you keep accepting the tiny bits of attention, whilst knowing all this, that's on you. Don't choose to let this man make a fool of you. You are worth more.

Original poster
notgoodpud · 02/08/2021 15:20

I replied to his message to say not really, I was hoping we would have a talk about our relationship and where it is going. He text back saying yeah he wanted to talk to me about this.

While he was typing it sounds sad but I got happy thinking he may say he wants to be with me. Stupid I know.

Anyway he text and said he enjoys spending time with me but he has a lot on his plate, he needs to focus and he hopes there’s no bad feelings and we can still be friends at work SadSad

OP posts:
FoxgloveSummers · 02/08/2021 15:24

Honestly OP you need to mourn this "situationship" but in the long term he's done you a big favour here. Taken the pressure off you and given you a chance to have a clean break. Get angry, have wine with a friend and rant about all his worst qualities including stringing you along while chasing his ex.

DO NOT beg or plead or try to continue the relationship. If you can, reply, "that's good to know, I was thinking the same". It'll do wonders for your pride.

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 15:26

Can you not see the relationship was over at the point where you felt so compelled by lack of trust that you had to check his phone?

Why would you want to be with someone when the relationship makes you feel insecure enough that you need to do that?

MadMadMadamMim · 02/08/2021 15:27

Well he's made the decision for you then. Please don't hold out any hopes of anything else.

He realised that you'd had enough of being strung along and were going to demand some sort of commitment - and so he decided he'd finish with you, rather than offer you anything more. In his head he probably thinks he's done quite well to get 18 months of casual sex out of you without having to offer anything at all in return.

I probably wouldn't reply - but I would make it very clear at work that my attitude was now formal, pleasant, non commital colleague who never - ever - discussed anything personal with him at all. Just be grey rock and really disinterested. Stop flirting. And if other colleagues notice and comment I'd say something bland like We just work together. We're not friends out of work or anything and then change the subject.

QueenBee52 · 02/08/2021 15:54

@5togo

Whether he loves her or not, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. That’s all you need to know.

correct 🌸

toocold54 · 02/08/2021 16:39

While he was typing it sounds sad but I got happy thinking he may say he wants to be with me. Stupid I know.

The trouble is you know he’s going to say what you want to hear. But that doesn’t mean he actually means it.

HollowTalk · 02/08/2021 16:46

Have you replied? If not, "Yeah I think the same. I've been meaning to say something for the last few months" is the best reply.

Peppapigforlife · 02/08/2021 16:49

He's stringing her along just as much as you. He wants to keep her there ready for when the relationship free sex runs out with you and will probably keep up the talk of her having to wait for him to change, whilst he keeps having committment free sex with her. Just be relieved you won't be in her shoes for as long as she has been and you're out of it.

bigbaggyeyes · 02/08/2021 16:52

He's just not that into you. I expect he likes the attention and ego boost.

He's also not being honest with his ex either. Telling her things such as he did and seeing another person.

He's a bit of a 'shot' all round really

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