He won’t commit but

[notgoodpud]

So I’ve got myself in such a situation. I met a man at work, we seemed to hit it off straight away. He was very affectionate, all over me etc. After about 2 months in he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I stupidly stuck with him even though I was falling for him. We’ve been doing this for about 18 months now. We sleep together, flirt at work. People have asked if we’re together at work and he doesn’t say anything. Or we laugh it off and make a joke of it.
Recently he’s been so much more affectionate, he would see me once a week, we’d order food and it felt like a relationship. I thought we could get somewhere. I wanted us to have a conversation and was braving up to it

Yesterday he left his phone unlocked and I went through it. I know I shouldn’t of but I just needed to know if he was talking to other girls.

I found a long text message from him to presumably his ex? Saying how he will always he’s putting the work in to change for her. He’s fighting hard for her, he’s even going to therapy because he wants to be the person she deserves. I know I shouldn’t of looked but I feel so heartbroken. Why her and not me? Why is she good enough for all this change but you can’t bother with a relationship with me. I know everyone going to tell me I was wrong and I know but I just felt like we were finally in a good place. He didn’t stay last night but he’s text me asking if everything is okay

Shit not shot

Dear God woman! 18 months is an awfully long time to not know the status of a relationship of someone you’re sleeping with.

You need to focus on your self worth because if it wasn’t as low as it is, there’s no way you would have wasted so much time on this idiot and you wouldn’t be asking ‘but why not me?’.

18 months younhave given to a guy that was clearly not interested in something serious.

You need to accept that he is not that into you.

Move on.

Even if you were in a proper relationship with him he’d still want her. Even if you got married he would. Think of it as a lucky escape.

He wasn’t stringing you along, he told you who he was. Have a higher bar and when someone crosses your boundary of what you want walk away and you don’t end up in these situations. I mean that as someone that has been there and kicked myself later. He’s no loss op.

In his head he probably thinks he's done quite well to get 18 months of casual sex out of you without having to offer anything at all in return.

Sadly, this is the gist of it. You probably desperately tried to play it cool rather than make demands. Unfortunately you just end up feeling used.

What @AgentJohnson said is tough but true. Next time remember you are the prize and don't make a man your priority when he is only treating you as an option. Better to be single than a booty call.

Don’t need to read the full post to give my advice on this - get out, start running and never turn back.

I had one of these. He just wasted my time for the best part of 2 years - every excuse in the book for why he ‘couldn’t commit’. Told me exactly what I needed to hear every time I tried to pull away.
Funny thing was as well, within 6 months of me actually ending it he was in a proper relationship with someone else!!

If a man says he doesn’t want a relationship right now, most of the time the ‘with you’ is silent. Your situation probably isn’t the exception.

Sorry you’re going through this

Oh and it’s not that you’re not good enough and she is, or something missing within you.

He may be using both of you to stroke his ego. He may be using you just because he can’t have her right now. Either way the issue is with HIM. I know better than most people that trying to win the true affections of men like this can be intoxicating, but they will ALWAYS withdraw again and leave you feeling terrible. You really don’t need to think on this for any moment longer!

You’re just his back up girl; something to do (literally) while he’s waiting for his ex to take him back (and that’s clearly not going to happen). You really need to call it quits. Tell him you want to end it because you’ve decided you want a real relationship rather than just a FWB, and he’s clearly not on the same page, so you want to start dating to find someone who wants the same things you do. Then block him on everything.

Ah, just be glad to be out of it. He's feeding her BS most likely. Doesn't look like he's working on anything, he's still the same not nice person given what he's done to you. Shame if you haven't picked up her phone number while snooping, you could probably enlighten each other and at the same time realise that he's no prize and you are both better off without his games.

Personally, I find 2-3 months my limit on the GF question, if they don't know by then, to it's not good enough for me either, 10 months, is hanging out for hope way beyond

18 months

Why is she good enough for all this change
What change? Nothing he’s doing is trying to be a better person. Sex without strings knowing he’s hurting someone? Tick. Lies/lies by omission? Tick.

He relegated you and instead of getting turned off, you clung on. You have idealised him.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that he's a good guy because he will put in ''the work'' for some other woman. This is a woman who knows him well enough to not want him.

He is playing the game of saying the right thing to her and and saying the right thing to you.

Please don't do what I did when I was in these shoes 7 years ago; ie, get upset, ask him why he treated me like i was good enough to spend time with but not good enough to choose. Please don't do that.

Tell him '' My heart's not in this arrangement anymore. I always knew you were a bit insubstantial in your approach to relationships, a bit insincere, but right I want to start valuing the way I spend my time, so good luck with xxxx''

If he presses you, say, ''look, I didn't want to say this but I got turned off. I wish you all the best now.''.

he’s even going to therapy because he wants to be the person she deserves
Sounds like his ex has told him he needs therapy? For what - his lying, or for another unpleasant thing that led her to dump him?
Follow HollowTalk's advice on how to respond if possible. In a few months your vision will likely clear and you'll see him in a new light.