How do I get over this

[p12241342]

Sorry to post on Mumsnet being a dad, but would value some advice.

8 weeks ago I found out that my wife of 20 years had been having an affair for the past 7 weeks.

Im having real trouble trying to move past this as we have agreed to work through our problems and stay together.

In the past 8 weeks I have been told how the "other man" makes my wife happy, he made her feel good and she loved him and that they only slept together once. She was only seeing him for a couple of hours a night and a few text each day for 7 weeks.

I don't know how its possible that she loved him, I personally believe it was lust if even that.

Im trying to get past this as she now says she has made the biggest mistake of her life and she knows now she doesn't love him but wants me and our family.

I know that I have made a decision to give her another chance and stay in the relationship. But all I can think of is, does she miss him, does she have feelings for him still?

She has said every day multiple times that she doesn't love him, she doesn't think about him and she doesn't miss him. She has assured me she wants us back to normal and for us and our children to get back on with our lives.

I just keep thinking what she has done and the fact that a mistake is a one off, but she kept seeing him night after night and coming back home to me. She didn't care about my feelings.

I keep thinking this isn't her and she has never done anything like this before. Its completely out of character.

I need to try and get past this so we can try and move on, but how do I do this when every thing reminds me of what she has done.

Thanks for any advice

Gosh, l am afraid l don't have the answer but couldn't read and run...
I am so sorry what a horrible blow op.

My only thoughts are to give it time and not make any hasty decisions, especially if you have dcs.

Allow yourself the time to accept and learn to live with the betrayal before you try and go back to how things were, and she has to dance to your tune regarding talking/not talking about things/ accepting your need to process this.

Maybe give yourself a period of time (6 months ? ) of this before you address whether you can begin to forgive and connect again with your wife...

I wish you peace.

Firstly, if she was seeing him every night I doubt they only had sex once but I don't think that really matters either way. If you're willing to forgive her sleeping with someone else I don't think the number of times is relevant.

You're right about the lust/infatuation. It probably wasn't love. She probably does miss him if she made him feel 'different'.

Did she confess about the affair or did you find out another way?
If another way, did she admit it when confronted? It doesn't sound like she was remorseful.

Has she told you how she'd regain your trust? Do you believe it's really over?

How did it start? Do they work together etc?

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.
Don't feel like you have to answer my questions - they're just things for you to consider to work out how you actually feel.

There's a difference between not caring about your feelings (whilst the affair was going on) and not thinking about your feelings. One is callous, the other is thoughtlessness.

Have you discussed the lead up to the affair? Was she feeling neglected, bored, unattractive or looking for something that was missing from your marriage? What triggered the step that led to her being emotionally and then physically involved with the other man?

Is she still working/in touch with him? Has she permanently and totally removed him from her life?

If you both have the same goal to move on (do you?) you need to understand why it happened, you need to be able to discuss every aspect openly and without anger and you both need to address the causes so that you can deal with them arising in the future.

Shes still seeing him

@Kalvinette

Shes still seeing him

Holy shit, Sherlock! How did you know that??

She has said every day multiple times that she doesn't love him, she doesn't think about him and she doesn't miss him

Is she volunteering this info or are you questioning her?

It's early days yet, you are going to be obsessive and all over the show for a while sadly.

She has assured me she wants us back to normal

This may hurt, but you don't want to get back to normal as 'normal' is what was happening when she had this fling.

Have you discussed why she had her head turned?
Was she wanting something that she felt was lacking at home?

Was she wanting excitement? attention?
Were you stuck in a rut? Did she feel taken for granted?
Was it a last ditch attempt to feel younger??

After 20 years together and with a family to lose I think 'lust' seems less likely than an infatuation or a crush. That may explain why she was banging on about being 'in love' with him because despite what your ego may be telling you at times, this didn't happen because the other guy is so damn sexy she momentarily forgot about her family because of lust.

In some ways that would be easier to deal with.

This sounds horrible, it's really difficult for you to be going through this. Has she explained the reasons for the affair? At least then you could focus together on what needs to be improved in your relationship. Sorry this has happened to you.

@girlmom21

Firstly, if she was seeing him every night I doubt they only had sex once but I don't think that really matters either way. If you're willing to forgive her sleeping with someone else I don't think the number of times is relevant.

You're right about the lust/infatuation. It probably wasn't love. She probably does miss him if she made him feel 'different'.

Did she confess about the affair or did you find out another way?
If another way, did she admit it when confronted? It doesn't sound like she was remorseful.

Has she told you how she'd regain your trust? Do you believe it's really over?

How did it start? Do they work together etc?

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.
Don't feel like you have to answer my questions - they're just things for you to consider to work out how you actually feel.

Hello and thank you for replying to my post

With regards to her seeing him every night is a weird one. Because she was telling me she was taking the dog for a walk each night from about 7pm until about 8. This is the only real time she could see him because every weekend she was out with me and my family. He would go walking with her and the dog at night and she would see him in the railway car park. She took an afternoon off work to sleep with him at his parents house because he is going through a divorce and has sold his house.

I keep saying she must miss him and she says she doesn't, but how can that be possible. She risked everything for this man.

She did confess in the end. She had a few wines and I kept asking if she had some else. The 3rd time I asked her to swear on our kids and she admitted it

When I first found out it sounded like she was leaving me, but she says she wasn't. I dont know to be honest. But she does seem to have kept her word with what she has said she would do to prove its over. But she could have unblocked his number from whats app sent him a message and then re blocked him again an I would never know.

I want to believe its really over but if she has feelings for him will it start up again

They don't work together he is a family friend

Thanks for your time

@Sarahlou63

There's a difference between not caring about your feelings (whilst the affair was going on) and not thinking about your feelings. One is callous, the other is thoughtlessness.

Have you discussed the lead up to the affair? Was she feeling neglected, bored, unattractive or looking for something that was missing from your marriage? What triggered the step that led to her being emotionally and then physically involved with the other man?

Is she still working/in touch with him? Has she permanently and totally removed him from her life?

If you both have the same goal to move on (do you?) you need to understand why it happened, you need to be able to discuss every aspect openly and without anger and you both need to address the causes so that you can deal with them arising in the future.

Hello

And thank your for replying

We have discussed why she felt the need to do this and she has said because we didn't talk and I had no time for her. I admit that was the case and looking back I can see where we went wrong, but its no excuse for cheating.

He lives in our town. She said she has broken all contact with him. She sent him one text saying its over and things went too far. He did reply and then tried calling her but she says she didn't answer.

He is very much still around us and she can see him or contact him when ever it suites

Thanks again

@Kalvinette

Shes still seeing him

you think ??

@HorseRaddish

This sounds horrible, it's really difficult for you to be going through this. Has she explained the reasons for the affair? At least then you could focus together on what needs to be improved in your relationship. Sorry this has happened to you.

She said at times she doesnt know why it happened. She says she releases she has made a massive mistake and has hurt many people.

She said that we didn't communicate I didn't have any time for her and I took no notice of her and made her feel unwanted.

I hold my hands up and can see how lucky I was but I was stupid to not have showed her how I felt in side

@lilmishap

She has said every day multiple times that she doesn't love him, she doesn't think about him and she doesn't miss him

Is she volunteering this info or are you questioning her?

It's early days yet, you are going to be obsessive and all over the show for a while sadly.

She has assured me she wants us back to normal

This may hurt, but you don't want to get back to normal as 'normal' is what was happening when she had this fling.

Have you discussed why she had her head turned?
Was she wanting something that she felt was lacking at home?

Was she wanting excitement? attention?
Were you stuck in a rut? Did she feel taken for granted?
Was it a last ditch attempt to feel younger??

After 20 years together and with a family to lose I think 'lust' seems less likely than an infatuation or a crush. That may explain why she was banging on about being 'in love' with him because despite what your ego may be telling you at times, this didn't happen because the other guy is so damn sexy she momentarily forgot about her family because of lust.

In some ways that would be easier to deal with.

She seems to only say this when I question her.

I agree and dont think it should go back to normal as thats all gone and thats what got us in this position in the first place.

I think she thought she loved him. But how can I get over that how can I get over my wife thinks or thought she loved another man

Could ye go for some counselling so ye both can hear each other

I think you have both had a huge wake up call to be honest. Lots of people have affairs and many of them are not for the ego boost but a cry for affection and attention. Not justified but at least you have woken up to see what part you may have played in her head being turned. This next step in your marriage is going to be the most difficult and challenging of all. Couples counselling may be the only way forward to open up the chat between you and dig down deep to see how you could repair this. Once the dust has settled and you work on the different marriage you will have to forge, it may work or it may just be too different for you both to be in. Either way, if you both want to give it a go you must try your hardest. Many MNetters who are wives being ignored and feeling unwanted and unseen speak of their husbands promising to try harder....the husbands try for a while then slink back to the old ways of ignoring. If you want your marriage to work you must always try to be the best you can. Your wife also has to work on devoting herself back to someone who she may have resented for a long time because of how you made her feel. Both of you have a lot of growing to do and this time will be painful. Good luck.

Really sorry this has happened to you. Having been in a similar situation to yourself it will never be the same again. With counselling and an extraordinary effort you may find a manageable medium within which your both able to maintain a relationship.
At 8 weeks this is still very raw and acute for you. Also seeing the other man about town will just compound everything and act as a constant reminder.
I stayed with her because having been fostered as a child myself all I wanted was stability for my children. Looking back I sacrificed a lot and can never get those years back.

She wasn't sorry when you didn't know, was she?

So funny when a man cheats he is a c&@t no excuses....now it's a woman who's cheated we are trying to find out WHY ?

@dryasaboner

So funny when a man cheats he is a c&**@t** no excuses....now it's a woman who's cheated we are trying to find out WHY ?

I agree with you but the OP has stated he wants to try and stay together so calling anyone a cu*t wouldn't be helpful!.

Sounds like the script we read about on here often. Slept together once etc.

Firstly I’m so, so sorry that this has happened to you. This is hard to hear, but there is no magic bullet it quick way to ‘get over this’. The best you can hope for is that you learn to accept it happened and move on, either together, if that’s what you both want and can deal with it (it is incredibly hard, takes a great deal of time and you both need to be on the same page) or apart if you can’t deal with it.
Either way it is far too early to make a decision. Any decision you make might not be permanent, you may decide to stay with her but find later when your emotions settle down that you just can’t get past it. Google the affair recovery websites for advice and support if you want to try to save your relationship, only you know whether or not it can be saved or if you even want to try.

This is also hard, but don’t question her about feelings about OM at this stage. If she is terrified of losing you she will tell you absolutely anything you want to hear. You won’t trust it deep down anyway and will just torture yourself. She’s been telling you and him anything you both want to hear for months. It’s the only way affairs are maintained. The whole thing between affair partners starts with lies. It’s initially (or permanently) about presenting the very best side of yourself as if that’s the ‘real’ you and as if this new person is the most amazing person in the world. It’s the only way to keep the high going. “You’re marvellous, I’m clearly marvellous and we obviously deserve this because our partners/lives are so humdrum etc etc.” It’s about distancing your partner in order to create closeness elsewhere.
Her emotions will be all over the place at present like yours are. Add the stress of discovery, and truth comes a poor second to anything that needs saying to keep control of a spiralling situation. She’s been lying to you already so it won’t be difficult for her, she’s got used to using deceit and manipulation to maintain two scenarios. Her aim will now be damage limitation and not hurting you further if she cares about you and wants to stay.
If further down the line you are still together, she might tell you how she was really feeling and you will be hurt all over again and gutted that she could keep lying to you when you were on the floor. You do not need this, so stop asking. Facts like where, when, how often are questions you might get a real answer to, but emotionally I doubt you’ll get an ounce of truth at this point. You won’t believe it anyway because she’s shattered your trust, even if
it turned out to be true.

Ask her clearly what she wants to happen. Tell her clearly what you want to happen and set clear non-negotiable boundaries. It should include no contact whatsoever with this other man permanently as of now. If she won’t do that then she needs a kick up the arse and showing what she stands to lose. Most affairs can’t cope with a good dose of reality and the ‘love’ turns out to be the affair high talking. The bright green grass turns to weeds in most cases.

If she thinks she can buy time to think about what she wants, tell her to get out whilst she does it and warn her that you might have changed your mind when she asks to come back. The pissing about stops as of now. Don’t be anybody’s option.
If you want to try to save your relationship you need to set your stall out and be brave. Decide what kind of relationship you want. If you don’t stick to your boundaries, no matter how hard, even if that means you have to end the relationship, then you’ve set yourself up for a life of torture with someone who will take advantage of you. Don’t do this.

For now just take care of yourself and research affairs/ recovery to see if still want to try. It’s bloody hard, OP. She’d better be worth it, only you know that.

Also just seen the part about your ‘holding your hands up’ to what she has used as an excuse for her shitty behaviour. You need to separate your marriage issues from the cheating. You can (and should) ‘hold your hands up’ about your part in your relationship, but that is all you hold your hands up for. You are in no way to blame for her affair. Not. One. Bit. You carry responsibility for your part in your marriage. That is all. She carries responsibility for cheating. You did not cause this. You did not invite this into your relationship. She did.

Cheating is a choice. An option. You can choose not to. It is not your only option when you are dissatisfied in a relationship. You have a range of choices, most involve honesty. She chose to cheat as a means of dealing with her perceived marriage problems. It was a deliberate choice in the face of other choices as a way of dealing with her issues. Until she accepts all blame for her choices, until she realises that only the cheaters are to blame for choosing to cheat and stops blaming you or the relationship, she is not a safe bet OP.

Cheating is not an acceptable choice for dealing with marital problems. It is a selfish, cowardly choice amongst healthier, kinder options. She needs to take full responsibility and apologise or get out.

Of course she will be missing him - her brain has become addicted to the feel good hormones she has had . It doesn't just stop overnight . I feel for you as he is local and a friend as I have been there . If you want to make a go of it then remember that whatever you decide now is not forever . You are only 8 weeks in so you have a rough road ahead of you . She has to prove herself to you and be accountable as regards phones, where she is etc the same as a man would be required to do .

Be kind to yourself, 7 weeks is still really really early days, you'll still be in shock.

Just take one day at a time and look after yourself.

Get rid of her. She’s vile and you will never be able to trust her again. You still have so much life ahead of you to find someone far better, someone who values and respects you and wouldn’t dream of cheating on you. Stay strong OP.

It seems you decided you were going to make a go of it, and a now realising that's much easier said than done. You will of course struggle to trust your wife for a long time, if not always. Her affair will be at the back of your mind for a long time, if not always.

I'm sure she's keen to go back to how things were and move on (which translates to - will you stop going on about it and pretend it never happened). You can't forget it, likely never will. She needs to show you that she can be trusted, be patient and to accept responsbility for her actions (you might have been a less than perfect husband, but that isn't an excuse to cheat).

Would you feel better if you made clear to her that you don't yet know if you can forgive her and continue in your marriage? That you need more time to decide, and how the next few months go will help in your decision.

If you do decide to forgive and move on then you need to do that wholeheartedly and not always reminding your wife of what she did, and I don't think you're ready for that yet (and noone should expect you to be).

If your wife won't respect that you need time, and continues to rush you to go back to normal, then that doesn't bode well at all.