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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anonymously letting someone know

50 replies

dryasaboner · 01/08/2021 21:33

Their spouse is cheating (with definitive evidence). It's awkward as you know both of the couple. Just wondered what the legal implications of this are

OP posts:
category12 · 01/08/2021 21:39

It's a horrible thing to do.

If you get an anonymous message, you don't know if it's true, if someone has a grudge against you, what they're trying to achieve.

If you're going to tell, have the decency to do it directly.

gamerchick · 01/08/2021 21:41

Bit cowardly to drop a hand grenade into someone's life anonymously. Either own it or butt out imo.

Original poster
dryasaboner · 01/08/2021 21:43

Sadly this person has done this many times. He has some very roughy family/mates who will automatically take his side despite the fact his poor partner is in the dark once again

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 01/08/2021 21:53

I disagree with the pps and would prefer to be told anonymously. If a friend tells you to your face and then you don't leave wouldn't you feel judged or feel the need to explain, plus there's the shoot the messenger which means the whilstleblower always gets more shit than the cheater.

category12 · 01/08/2021 21:57

But if you don't know who is behind it, you're left wondering who it could be and if they're laughing at you, and why they're telling you.

HollowTalk · 01/08/2021 21:58

If I thought the partner would act on it and perhaps had been waiting to catch him out, I'd say something, but I wouldn't do it anonymously. If I thought they'd put up with anything just to stay together, I'd keep quiet.

BrilliantBetty · 01/08/2021 21:59

Messenger always gets shot. You would be the bad guy if you told the person yourself and your relationship / friendship would likely be over. Plus possible retribution from him.

I would do it anonymously too, with evidence, or leave it well alone.

Jonjojobs123 · 01/08/2021 22:13

I was told by an anonymous fake email address....100% i believe it was the OW. My OH wasnt cheating at the time but cheated with a ONS 3 years previously. Did i want to know...hmmm not really but probably best i did.

BrimFullOfAsher · 01/08/2021 22:16

I don't understand what you mean by legal implications?

For you? None, why would there be?

Anotherbrokenairer · 01/08/2021 22:22

No legal implications but only do it if you can give believable information so they can put it together properly.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/08/2021 22:32

What do you mean legal implications?

Unless you're sharing intimate photos of a third party (which would be a crime) I can't think of any situation that could possibly have legal implications?

Original poster
dryasaboner · 01/08/2021 22:33

I just wondered if it constituted harassment or anything like that

OP posts:
Winceybincey · 01/08/2021 23:22

There’s no legal implications but I know if it was my husband then I’d rather know from an anonymous source than not at all. Just be sympathetic in your message, ie don’t just saying they’re cheating and throw the evidence in there.

BrimFullOfAsher · 02/08/2021 08:39

Erm, why would it be more harassment being anonymous than if you told them straight?

BrilliantBetty · 02/08/2021 10:06

What evidence do you have that you can put in a letter?

MushMonster · 02/08/2021 10:13

Send the evidence to the cheater.
That should shock them enough to either come clean to their partner, or stop the affair.
If they flipping carry on, then send to cheated partner.
I hate cheaters!

MMmomDD · 02/08/2021 10:32

Are you sure she’d like to know?
If this isn’t the first time - she may have decided to turn a blind eye to it. And it’s easier done when not ‘knowing’ for sure.
Are there kids involved? Is the W in a strong financial position to make it by herself?

Unless you know the answers to these questions - I’d say - stay out of it. Not your life to throw a grenade into.

Notnowkate · 02/08/2021 11:22

More to the point what do you hope to achieve? Apart from being blamed for a relationship break up as it will eventually come out it was you. In which case it might look like you just want to get revenge. Not a good image.

PearlFriday · 02/08/2021 11:32

She probably won't believe an anonymous note. Or even if she does believe it, she won't feel she can end the marriage on the foot of an anonymous note.

If you care about her being made a mug of, tell her in person what you've heard.

And don't implore her to believe you. Just walk away and tell her that you wanted to tell her but it's her prerogative to dismiss what you've said.

Original poster
dryasaboner · 02/08/2021 15:51

I want to tell her to check his phone before he has warning and time to data cleanse

OP posts:
Notnowkate · 02/08/2021 23:06

@dryasaboner

I want to tell her to check his phone before he has warning and time to data cleanse
Why? What's your motive? You care so much about her feelings, or you want to get back at him?
Chamonixshoopshoop · 02/08/2021 23:11

I’d want to know, anonymously or other wise. I’d hate to be a mug.

Catlover1970 · 03/08/2021 06:58

I think you should stay out of it. It’s none of your business

Intherightplace · 03/08/2021 07:00

@happinessischocolate

I disagree with the pps and would prefer to be told anonymously. If a friend tells you to your face and then you don't leave wouldn't you feel judged or feel the need to explain, plus there's the shoot the messenger which means the whilstleblower always gets more shit than the cheater.
But if you dont know who it was you spend your whole life wondering which "friend" or was.

It's never good to do anything anonymously.

anon12345678901 · 03/08/2021 07:02

Why do you want to tell her?