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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anonymously letting someone know

50 replies

dryasaboner · 01/08/2021 21:33

Their spouse is cheating (with definitive evidence). It's awkward as you know both of the couple. Just wondered what the legal implications of this are

OP posts:

spanishlinnet · 03/08/2021 09:41

@dryasaboner

I just wondered if it constituted harassment or anything like that

What's your relationship like with the woman? Are you concerned about her accusing you of harassment, or of him accusing you?

tropicalwaterdiver · 03/08/2021 09:50

OP, how do you know what's on his phone? Did you see messages sent to him or by him? How?

Bookworm20 · 03/08/2021 12:04

If my dp was cheating, I would want a heads up to check their phone, anonymous or not.

Theres no legal implications for you OP and its not harrassment.

The person you tell then has the choice to decide what to do.
Thats the main thing. Being given a choice.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/08/2021 12:04

I'm assuming you're OW to know what the messages say? As you must have access to the other side of them. What if he's deleted them all so there's nothing to find? Making it pointless telling her as there will be no 'proof'...

Lovelybottom · 03/08/2021 12:26

Are you the OW? If you're a genuinely concerned friend could you set up a new email address so at least she can reply. I hate the idea of stuff appearing and no idea where it came from or opportunity to follow up.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/08/2021 12:28

You say once again. Has she found out before or never known about any of the affairs?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/08/2021 12:29

Oh yes, and are you the one screwing him?

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/08/2021 12:31

An anonymous note with advice to “check his phone” isn’t the definitive proof of cheating she’ll need. What if she isn’t able to access his phone, or he’s already cleared everything? She’s left wondering whether the note was malicious or somebody having a laugh at her expense or to get back at her OH for something else. If you’re going to drop a grenade into somebody’s relationship, do it transparently and be clear how you know what you say is the truth and with actual proof.

Original poster

dryasaboner · 03/08/2021 22:08

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Oh yes, and are you the one screwing him?

It's my brothers mate and his wife. We are all in one big friendship group. He accidentally sent a long winded message to my brothers WhatsApp meant for the OW. My brother received this when at work and sent it to me saying wtf. DB has informed me that this man has form for doing this but he thought it was all in the past. This is really really awkward all round. His wife is so lovely and devoted

OP posts:

category12 · 04/08/2021 07:33

Ah, so you telling openly would dump your brother in the shit with his mate. Now wanting to be anonymous makes more sense.

category12 · 04/08/2021 07:35

Do you think your brother shared it with you because he wants you to do something about it?

PearlFriday · 04/08/2021 07:40

Id tell her a message meant for ow was sent to a GROUP.
That is horrible. Not just to your brother but to a group of people.
The man might be a bit crisp with your brother but he wont know who told his wife.

Op could say the wife of one of the other men in the group sent her the message.

category12 · 04/08/2021 07:49

I think it just went to op's brother, not a group chat.

Trampolean · 04/08/2021 07:52

An anonymous note isn't fair in my opinion, and I doubt it will achieve much. If you feel that strongly about telling her then stand by your conviction and do so.

Whydidimarryhim · 04/08/2021 07:55

That’s a tricky one now isn’t it.,
He may think it’s your brother?
Do you know the OW and know where she lives - you could send an anonymous note saying he was seen coming out of her house?

PearlFriday · 04/08/2021 08:00

Oh yes, sorry for complicating matters. Its bad enough. I thought id read group chat somewhere but i was skim reading.

SaltySheepdog · 04/08/2021 08:02

You tell the bloke by text he needs to tell the truth to his partner by Saturday as you will be. Then put your big girl pants on and tell her about the text Saturday. Forward it to her

dworky · 04/08/2021 08:08

I'd certainly prefer to know anonymously rather than not at all.
If you can know or can find their email address, there are sites from which you can send anonymously.

SaltySheepdog · 04/08/2021 08:09

Look just forward the text from your phone to hers and explain that your brother accidentally received this text from bloke and in shock forwarded it to you

Original poster

dryasaboner · 04/08/2021 09:05

@category12

Ah, so you telling openly would dump your brother in the shit with his mate. Now wanting to be anonymous makes more sense.

Yeah it's so tricky! Arghhh!

OP posts:

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/08/2021 10:42

Without sending the evidence she has no reason to believe anything and it is easy for the cheating arse to deny it.
If you send the evidence he knows exactly where it came from and she may or may not forgive him.

What has he said to your brother about the message he sent him?

KieraJane · 04/08/2021 10:47

I sent an email anonymously. It was a link to his OLD account so she could see for herself it was him and that the account wasnt new. Reading these comments I kind of wish I'd created a separate email address so could have answered any initial questions but didn't want to get involved. Still hope she's glad I told her as they were separated anyhow and she was the only one putting effort into them reconciling.

Dublincailin · 04/08/2021 11:14

If he has form, the chances are she already knows, just hasn't done anything about it.

A cheaters behaviour always changes when they are messing around. She will most likely have picked up on the changes.

You could be confirming her suspicions or you could opening a can of worms she is choosing to ignore.

AgentJohnson · 04/08/2021 12:45

Don’t bother it probably won’t change a thing but your brother needs to up his friend game because his mate sounds like a twat.

Polkadots2021 · 04/08/2021 12:54

@dryasaboner

Their spouse is cheating (with definitive evidence). It's awkward as you know both of the couple. Just wondered what the legal implications of this are

I think it's a compassionate thing to do, OP, and I get that you want to be anonymous for good reason. I'd go ahead and do it, with clear evidence included that he can't explain away.

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