How to cope with DH's response to disappointment

[queria]

Context: DH and I have found out that something we were really hoping to happen, can't happen as we hoped. It is really disappointing and it does set our 'life plan' back 12 months. We couldn't have predicted it or changed the outcome.

The problem is that our responses to this disappointment are worlds apart. I acknowledge that it's really crap and it sucks, but I don't see the point in dwelling. Life goes on and I believe that even in the most hopeless of situations, you have to look for the positive, continue to have hope, and believe that things will always work out in the end. I'm starting to think about some of the unexpected positives of X not happening right now and I firmly believe everything will come right in the end.

DH's response has been the total opposite. He is a very 'black and white' thinker, everything is 'all or nothing.' So in this case he is saying things like X will never happen, our lives are ruined, the promise of X is the 'only thing that was keeping him going,' he will 'never be able to go through this again,' and so on. I do understand that he is crushed, but his response is a huge emotional response and it is likely to run for weeks.

I'm starting to think we won't be able to talk about our future any more, because I’m probably annoying him by saying things will be fine as much as he’s frustrating me by saying everything is doomed and life is shit.

Is there anything I can do or say or am I best to just avoid discussing it for a while?

How long ago did you find out that it couldn't/wouldn't happen?

A couple of days - I'd let him sulk
A couple of weeks - I'd tell him bluntly that he needs to get over it and move forward

Hi @girlmom21, only a couple of days ago.

I'd give him a few more days to wallow and feel sorry for himself, especially as it sounds like it was a massive deal to him

I'm just like your husband. I take a bit of time to come round and then I see things with a bit more perspective. My husband is like you. We frustrate each other but work it out. I actually find my husband's relentless positivity irritating when something bad happens as it comes across like he doesn't care that much about it, so worth bearing that in mind. And I catastrophise even more!
PS I'm sorry whatever it was didn't work out as you wanted!

It sounds quite a childlike response. Without knowing what the disappointment is, it's hard to comment. But maturity is about being able to come up with Plan B, to remind oneself of what you already have that is good etc. Maybe having 'life plans' - which sound rather inflexible - is not such a good idea. I'm not saying abandon goals altogether, but we need to be able to modify our ideas in the light of changed circumstances.

My DSis and DP are like this, whereas I am like you. I find it exhausting and it has actually put me off pursuing some projects with DP where the outcome has been uncertain. DSis drives me nuts.

Is it genuinely only delayed by 12 months? Because he must have had an incredibly privileged life to have such an OTT reaction to a mere 12 month delay to something - that's no time.

Or are you minimising / being unrealistically optimistic?

It is really disappointing and it does set our 'life plan' back...

Reading this, really sympathetic, how tough, you feel how you feel...

...12 months

bit harder to be sympathetic tbh

Unless you've got life limiting illnesses or some other critical factor you've missed out, a 12 month delay to your perfect life plan is nothing in the scheme of things.

I agree with other posters, give him a week or so to wallow, then if he's still sulking I'd be having a hard word with him. Also if he's bringing you down I'd ask him to only talk to you about it once a day for example.

Thanks everyone, this is really helpful. I will give it some time and review the situation next weekend maybe.

It is a 12 month delay unless something else happens to delay it further. To be fair to him, it is a huge thing that we have been building up to for years. I do understand that it is a massive deal. The thing is that I tend not to believe things will happen until the day after they have happened, IYSWIM! So I feel somewhat protected from the disappointment as I hadn’t run away with the idea in the first place. But I do recognise that it must be really horrible, not to mention exhausting, to catastrophise everything and to truly believe that the outlook is bleak. However, I think we just have to keep plodding on.

It doesn’t bring me down in terms of remaining optimistic in the long run, @bigbaggyeyes, but during this period of disappointment, he really does feel so low. Yesterday I suggested all sorts of activities (going out and keeping busy), but he didn’t want to do any of them as he felt ‘flat.’

I don't know if you have children, but if you do I think it is really useful - for their sake - to be able to model good strategies at dealing with setbacks. 'Yes, I'm fed up and I feel sad, but I'm so lucky to have you and lots of other good things are going to happen in the next 12 months' is fine. 'This is the end of the world' is not.

No children yet but you are spot on @JennieLee. I did pull him up on the comments that X was “the only thing” keeping him going, I said what about me, our health, etc? It’s a bit insulting really!

I also totally catastophise and have actually taken CBT for this (and generalised anxiety). I know people are saying to tell him to stop 'sulking' etc but honestly it's not always as easy as that for some people. I can see how it must be a massive drain on partners though and I know it sounds childish. One thing you said struck a chord - that you feel protected from disappointment by not getting wedded to the idea in the first place. That's my husband all over, whereas I on the other hand basically jump in with both feet and seriously committ (in my mind if nothing else) so it can be really devastating if it doesn't work out. I'm not saying that's a good idea, or healthy, but if you are like that you can't just flip a switch and not be like that iyswim? It's also the sort of trait that has helped me to do things like get doctorates etc (a counsellor once told me that determination and stubbornness are associated with this sort of mentality and that can be why it feels extra rough when things don't work out, as you put your heart and soul into it). I may be way off base here and maybe that's nothing like your husband. I apologise if you think I'm talking nonsense, but I wondered if it might be helpful to hear from someone who would probably react in a similar way. I do sympathise with you though, as I do with my own husband! For me, I just need a bit of time and perspective to deal with it. Being told to stop sulking wouldn't help.

Thank you @surreygirl1987 he is indeed determined and can be stubborn, usually in a good way!

It’s surprised me hearing that this dynamic seems to be quite common in others. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can actually respond when he’s saying things like X is the only thing keeping him going and it will never happen? Am I best off being silent and just letting him get it out of his system?

I am wondering whether sorting out some trips or activities might help, to keep him busy. I have suggested a lot of things but he has turned them down however. @surreygirl1987 is there anything that helps when you are feeling like everything is ruined and good things will never happen? The mood in the house is low today.

I would be tempted to detach and organise some enjoyable activities with friends. To be bright and breezy and busy as if you really aren't noticing his moodiness.

Really depends what it is...

@JennieLee

I would be tempted to detach and organise some enjoyable activities with friends. To be bright and breezy and busy as if you really aren't noticing his moodiness.

That sounds a good idea. Don't allow his moods to take over your life.

I have this dynamic with DP. It's surprised me, and often annoyed me, that I end up taking on the role of jollier-along and cheerer-upper, because I really don't think of myself as one of life's more positive people. But what you said about not getting wedded to things until they've happened rung true - maybe it's because we're so pessimistic that we can take disappointments in stride? I tend to assume things won't work out for one reason or another.

I actually find my husband's relentless positivity irritating when something bad happens as it comes across like he doesn't care that much about it, so worth bearing that in mind.

This was a helpful comment too because I'd never thought of it like that. My mindset is often that if something can't happen, it might be shitty but you need to make the best of what can happen.

I don't really have advice on how to manage the overall dynamic aside from just accepting how the other person is and giving them space. But when DP got like this over something similar (big life plan that fell through, and he was all in on it) recently, I encouraged him to fill his mind and time with distractions. To go on long bike rides for exercise and see friends and family who weren't me (because it was our joint plan, we'd just end up talking about it anyway). Bonus was that it got his negativity out of my hair. He just needed more time to get back to a more even keel, really.

Another weird wrinkle to this dynamic is that DP is much more resilient and calm on a day-to-day basis whereas I'm prone to getting in flaps if I get too frazzled. But when something massive goes tits-up I was surprised to find I was the more resilient one. I guess we complement each other.

Perhaps how you manage this depends on what the "thing" is. If it's something like you had a holiday booked to a red list country that you've had to delay, some level of disappointment is expected but resilience and acceptance is needed. If it's something like you planned to have children and found out you can't without medical intervention then different scales of reaction are reasonable and people have to be allowed to feel how they feel.
I wonder if your optimism in dealing with disappointment is equally as frustrating to him as his catastrophising is to you - no judgement intended, just that you could acknowledge you deal with things differently and help each other find a middle ground.
I know people who are like you and others who are like him, I don't think there is anything you can do or say but acknowledge their feelings and not dismiss them. I had something devastating happen in my life that I struggled to come to terms with and the thing that made it a million times worse was other people's misplaced optimism "don't worry, it'll be fine/it'll all work out/it's meant to be/things happen for a reason" etc. There's such a thing as toxic positivity.

I'd suggest for a few days let him get over the shock, just empathise and let him come to terms with it. Some people just take longer to accept set backs and can get a bit stuck in the self pity and anger stage. I wouldn't go into trying to fill his time up with activities, instead give him some space and time before starting to do that. Tell him what you are doing, he has the option to join in or not..

Repeat back to him the feelings he's expressing without much comment and don't attempt to disagree or cheer him up e.g "I know this has affected you so deeply and that you feel so disappointed", or "I can see how upset and disappointed you are and that you can't go through this again", "I'm sorry you have lost hope that it will ever happen". You can tag a gentle reminder on that you have also been affected by the delay too bit are just dealing with it differently - as he may think you are not upset 'enough' and be reacting against that as a bit of attention seeking. (Maybe he feels your lack of visible upset means you don't care as much as he does?)

Enough of that and he will hopefully realise he needs to move on.

However if after a week or so he doesn't snap out of it, I'd start encouraging him to stop wallowing in it. Ask questions rather than just offer solutions. ""What ideas do you have for how we use this extra time in a positive way/re-plan the next year"., "How can we can use the next 12 months differently to how we expected?". Put some time aside for a discussion about the future and his reaction to your suggestions as well as inviting his thoughts. If he doesn't engage and be willing to discuss it, be clear that is not something you can accept for much longer.

You say you can see some of the unexpected benefits so gently throw a few example to the conversation.

You also say you believe everything will come right in the end. Why? Is this just relentless optimism or on a factual basis? Because if he is very rational and logical he'll need reasons & evidence about why he should continue to have hope. (You just airily saying "it's all be fine" or that 'the universe will deliver' wouldn't cut if for me either!).

You are obviously more resilient than him, maybe naturally optimistic. If he continues to be doom and gloom you'll need to take tough love measures or he will get 'stuck', not to mention bring you down eventually. The form of tough love will depend on how bad he is though (a strong talking to, through to needing counselling or the final straw and ultimatum about splitting up).

Some people fail to imagine the different scenarios that might happen in certain situations. This, in my experience, can happen to those with dyslexia but not necessarily only those. They get an idea into their head and run with the excitement of it but never stop to consider..what happens if this goes wrong? It's like they lack the imagination to consider all angles. Then something occurs which thwarts their plan and they are devastated.
All you can do is listen. Don't do the positive thing as that makes things worse. Just empathise for a few days to give him a chance to come around.

Me & my DH have the same dynamic. I deal with initial disappointment and then process it as 'well at least we have.....blah blah blah' and it allows me to re-focus and re-plan if needed.

DH goes into himself, and will tell me I mustn't have cared as much in the 1st place. I've learnt this is his reaction now and don't take it to heart.

After a few days, he generally says 'I agree, let's try this & this'

It's exhausting at times to be the positive/strong one all the time so I do distract myself with other things, talk to friends in confidence, so I'm not showing any bad towards his reactions whilst he deals with them.

Although that doesn't always work and we have argued in the past about our difference in our emotions.

Good Luck OP with your future plans, I hope in time they work out for you both.

*bad feelings

@queria

Hi *@girlmom21*, only a couple of days ago.

Wowser, you're pretty harsh!

I'm feeling a bit sorry for your DH, tbh. Not every can just change direction rapidly.

It might be worth you asking yourself why you need him to cheer up - couldn't you allow him the space to process this in his own way? You could go the Elvis route of course, apparently he fed Priscilla uppers or downers when she was annoying him by having feelings that weren't in line with his own!