How to cope with DH's response to disappointment

[queria]

Context: DH and I have found out that something we were really hoping to happen, can't happen as we hoped. It is really disappointing and it does set our 'life plan' back 12 months. We couldn't have predicted it or changed the outcome.

The problem is that our responses to this disappointment are worlds apart. I acknowledge that it's really crap and it sucks, but I don't see the point in dwelling. Life goes on and I believe that even in the most hopeless of situations, you have to look for the positive, continue to have hope, and believe that things will always work out in the end. I'm starting to think about some of the unexpected positives of X not happening right now and I firmly believe everything will come right in the end.

DH's response has been the total opposite. He is a very 'black and white' thinker, everything is 'all or nothing.' So in this case he is saying things like X will never happen, our lives are ruined, the promise of X is the 'only thing that was keeping him going,' he will 'never be able to go through this again,' and so on. I do understand that he is crushed, but his response is a huge emotional response and it is likely to run for weeks.

I'm starting to think we won't be able to talk about our future any more, because I’m probably annoying him by saying things will be fine as much as he’s frustrating me by saying everything is doomed and life is shit.

Is there anything I can do or say or am I best to just avoid discussing it for a while?

"@surreygirl1987 is there anything that helps when you are feeling like everything is ruined and good things will never happen? The mood in the house is low today. sad"

Sorry it's rubbish today! For me it's a control thing. I crave feeling in control so when these things happen I feel like I'm not. I feel better about things when I feel more in control of my life and on top of things, so these days I try to do that in response. And a distraction - going to work is probably the best as I'm forced to think of something else and then I have more perspective when I return to it.

My husband and I have had some great and honest open chats about the way each other is and how we respond go different things differently. It's made us way more reflective and now we can recognise what's going on with ourselves and each other much better. Maybe not now, but when it feels like this is in the past, maybe worth a chat?

@junebirthdaygirl perhaps, but it can also be TOO MUCH imagination - imagining a whole life/world based around whatever it is - which is partially why it's so devastating when it doesn't work out as it felt so real.

@queria

Thank you *@surreygirl1987* he is indeed determined and can be stubborn, usually in a good way!

It’s surprised me hearing that this dynamic seems to be quite common in others. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can actually respond when he’s saying things like X is the only thing keeping him going and it will never happen? Am I best off being silent and just letting him get it out of his system?

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would refer to those as thinking errors.

Catastrophic thinking and using language like that (e.g. "never") is what is making him feel so awful, rather than what has actually happened.

Negative, catastrophic, unhelpful thoughts create negative emotions, hopelessness and behaviour that causes life to feel worse (e.g. refusing to do enjoyable activities which then keeps the low feelings going longer).

He needs to take responsibility for addressing that himself so that life can be better for him and you (and any future children). It's not really fair to continue like this.

You can't fix it for him. It has to come from him.

If you'd like to understand a bit more about how his thinking is causing his emotions - and how if he engaged with changing it life could be different - Google "CCI self help resources" and then in the "looking after yourself" section look at the ones on anxiety and depression. The anxiety one has some worksheets on thinking errors and thought diaries.

The CCI workbooks are often used in NHS CBT sessions.

But you cannot do it for him. He has to decide he is ready to engage with making changes himself.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/~/media/CCI/Mental-Health-Professionals/Depression/Depression---Information-Sheets/Depression-Information-Sheet---08---Thinking-and-Feeling.pdf

That takes you to an information sheet on how thoughts drive feelings.

Back on the depression listing there are then sheets on learning to analyse thoughts and distinguish them from feelings, and ultimately how to change your thought patterns.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Depression

In the depression section there is also information on Behavioural Activation (basically making yourself do stuff so that you start to feel motivated to do more and take enjoyment from life).

Again, not sharing this for you to go off and try to fix him, but so that you can understand.

@user16395699 yes! This is basically the same sort of thing my CBT lady said too. And you're right - it really does have to come from him.

[quote surreygirl1987]@user16395699 yes! This is basically the same sort of thing my CBT lady said too. And you're right - it really does have to come from him.[/quote]
Absolutely.

Just to pick up on something you said about feeling in control, because it's a really important point - to have a sense of control over our life is actually a really important human need. Without it we become anxious and depressed.

Engaging with CBT can restore that feeling - both from the act of deciding to engage with CBT and take charge of the situation by doing so, and in the lifestyle changes and strategies it teaches.

Once you're aware of what's going on internally and what needs you have, it's surprising how easily you can make a difference and start meeting them.

It really doesn't take much to feel a sense of control over your life again - even just making the decision to have breakfast and then preparing yourself a bowl of cereal can achieve that.

But it's also one of the reasons why CBT can't work unless it comes from the person themselves rather than being done for them or imposed.

I'm glad you've found CBT useful in your life. It's nice to hear positive experiences on here.

Thank you all for the fantastic advice, you have all given me lots to think about and really helped.

Thank you for the practical suggestions for how to respond @Gerwurtztraminer. I have printed a lot of those info sheets @user16395699, Behavioural Activation and Overgeneralisation make a lot of sense. And thank you for sharing your perspective @surreygirl1987.

Funnily enough @junebirthdaygirl, someone at work recently questioned whether he had dyslexia... It's fair to say that he really had "imagined a whole life/world based around" X so that does resonate.

I am sure I will be re-reading these responses all week.

Well, it’s got worse. Yesterday he was barely speaking to me. Wouldn’t make eye contact with me, no physical affection. When I tried to talk to him, I got one word answers. He’s just totally retreated into himself. When I said that I understood he feels hurt and disappointed but the way he’s being with me is making things even worse, he said he “isn’t firing on all cylinders” right now so I just need to accept it.

I tried to encourage him to go out, do some exercise, I suggested a date night on Friday, but he replied that he “feels flat” and doesn’t want to do anything.

He also told me to “stop having a go” at him.

Again I got the “X will NEVER happen” comments. I tried to explain that is bullshit we have no reason to suspect it won’t happen and that saying ‘never’ is overgeneralising but he wouldn’t accept it.

I think the way he’s treating me now is really shitty - especially as of course I am gutted too - and it’s not helping him either, but I don’t know how to get through to him?

Oh, God, just get yourself free from the doommonger.

Whilst he's mithering on about how all is lost and life is woe and misery, you could be getting on with things without his determination to drag you down into the same pit of misery as he prefers to be mired in.

You can't get through to him because he likes it there.

OP, i have a lot of sympathy for you. I tend not to dwell on things and while sometimes I think this is bad - perhaps I don't spend enough time reflecting on things that could actually do with a bit more thought - overall, it means I move on quite quickly when I need to. DH is fine when things actually happen but is definitely a catastrophizer - the car will be making a weird noise and he'll be storming around the house ranting about how we now won't be able to go on holiday before we've even taken the damn thing to the shop.

So I feel your pain.

Personally, I'd tell him that he can wallow for x amount of time but after that, if he keeps taking it out on you then quite frankly, you have to question if there's any point in a relationship with someone who is only fixated on one thing. Because that's what's happening here. He's saying that there is NOTHING else in his life except this ONE thing that now isn't happening.

You're going to just have to leave him to it and he will have to snap himself out of it. I'm sorry it's so rubbish and it's bringing you down too. Get on with things you enjoy, on your own, and wait it out. When he's in a more reasonable mood and more communicative, have a proper discussion about how this made you feel, and why you reacted differently. The important thing is that he learns from this and takes steps to try to improve, for your sake. It's not easy, but it's important for him to try. You won't get through to him at the moment though. It's been quite a few days hasn't it? That's fairly long now I would say (in my personal experience anyway). Good luck!

I'd say don't minimise it, just acknowledge how hard it obvious is for him taking this in, don't try to reassure him, and hopefully he'll get this out of v his system and move on. I think he just wants acknowledgement of how upsetting this is for him right now.

Well, it’s got worse. Yesterday he was barely speaking to me. Wouldn’t make eye contact with me, no physical affection. When I tried to talk to him, I got one word answers. He’s just totally retreated into himself. When I said that I understood he feels hurt and disappointed but the way he’s being with me is making things even worse, he said he “isn’t firing on all cylinders” right now so I just need to accept it.

It's STILL only been a few days since the bad news. He's not going to be firing on all cylinders for a while yet. I think a week of wallowing is reasonable.

What I would do in the meantime is say your piece and give your advice in a concise, no-nonsense way - it sounds like you've already done this so probably no need to repeat yourself - and then leave him to wallow. Remove yourself from the room and ideally the house. Get on with your life and the things you want to do, and don't revolve around trying to jolly him along or cheer him up or fix anything. He'll be fine. He'll come to terms with it in his own time and he is probably better able to do that processing it by himself than with you trying to do it for him.

If he's still like this after 1-2 weeks I would be very firm about No More Wallowing. And maybe suggest a trip to the GP or a counsellor if he's continuing to do full-on despair.