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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I just leave?

42 replies

nineofhearts · 01/08/2021 12:11

Another morning wasted waiting for DP to drag himself out of his pit. DD and I have been up since 8am. With every hour that passes I find myself getting angrier.

I probably should wake him up but this is the last straw for me. He does nothing in the house unless I nag him. He's happy for me to juggle childcare and working over summer while he gets to go to work and prioritise rest. Today is my punishment for daring to go out to lunch yesterday without him.

He's brilliant in many ways but this feels like an absolute deal breaker now. I want to pack my stuff up, take DD and go. I feel like I'd be a much better mother and person independently of him.

What makes this worse is I have no one to talk to about this. No one wants to hear about my problems, so I feel like I should just take action. Every conversation we have ends in an argument because he just doesn't see why I feel this way at all. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel so lost and desperately alone and just want him to understand where I'm coming from but that's obviously not going to happen.

OP posts:
TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 01/08/2021 12:14

What do you get out of the relationship? Do the negatives outweigh the positives? Why the hell is he punishing you for going out? Unless there's more to it he sounds horrible!

eggsfor1 · 01/08/2021 12:15

I feel for you. I have been in relationships like this in the past.

I have never known them to miraculously improve.

It's hard to leave as they never do anything SO bad, but on a day to day basis it just slowly kills the relationship.

When I finally left, I realised I had checked out a long time ago. And it was utter relief.

I did not have any children at that point through, so I know this adds a layer of complication.

SummerWhisper · 01/08/2021 12:15

If leaving will enable better parenting from you, then it's not negotiable because currently neither of you is parenting well with his attitude and your anger. You should both be focusing on your child, not scoring points against each other.

Funnylittlefloozie · 01/08/2021 12:15

You are in the same position i was in during my marriage. ExH would never ever get up in the morning, never wanted to go anywhere or do anything as a family. DD and I did everything by ourselves, it was much like being a single parent family anyway. He never took any responsibility for her at all.

Do you want to carry on living like this, or would you feel happier without him?

Suzi888 · 01/08/2021 12:18

Go out without him. It’s not a life though is it, certainly not a family life. He’s having his cake and eating it. I’d leave, you sound like you’d be happier and it’s soul destroying going through that all the time.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 01/08/2021 12:18

For now just start going out without him, life's too short to be waiting around for a lazy git. Long term you have to weigh it all up and do what's best for you and your DC

Grimsknee · 01/08/2021 12:22

Where's the "brilliant" part?

Original poster
nineofhearts · 01/08/2021 12:27

It is soul destroying.

He's just woke up and come down. Why did I let him sleep so long? Why didn't I wake him up? Obviously he needed the sleep. I'm going to ruin another weekend, am I?

Once upon a time the positives outweighed the negatives but every day it gets harder to justify his shit attitude. He has every other week off and i go to work and come home and not one thing in the house has been touched. He swans off to play golf and I have to leave work early to pick DD up. Meanwhile my life has to be meticulously planned months in advance if I want to do anything for myself.

I mentioned spending a week working from my sisters house so DD had someone to play with while I worked. He didn't like that because he wouldn't get to see us, yet he can't be arsed to pull himself out of bed and spend time with us when we have weekends together. It's so frustrating.

OP posts:
Jurassicparkinajug · 01/08/2021 12:30

Have you told him how much this is affecting your relationship and you're thinking of leaving? I get through to my husband more if its written down or put in a text. No risk of an argument this way and he seems to understand better.

From what you've written, it sounds like you've mentally checked out of your relationship already though. Are you happy when he's not being annoying or are you just plodding along?

Original poster
nineofhearts · 01/08/2021 12:39

We've gone over and over the same ground countless times recently. I try and be open and tell him how I feel but he just dismisses it for the most part.

We do have good times, he makes me laugh and we can be silly together. But I find his lack of get up and go annoying. I know too that my expectations may be too high sometimes but then I feel that by lowering them I'm just turning into a pushover if that makes sense?

He likes to paint me as this super unreasonable, nagging witch and that's not me at all. I like having fun and being carefree but how can I do that when I have no help with the day to day reality of being a parent/adult?

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 01/08/2021 12:42

This is so sad for you and your dd. What are you teaching your dd about relationships? Like pp said, things won't get better.

Fortunately, you have a choice to change things. Go and stay with your sister for a week/however long. Ignore his protestations of missing you both. He won't. He just doesn't want you to be out of your box.

In my experience, it's always the shittiest, most uninvolved dads and partners who don't want their children and partners going away for a few days without them as they'll 'miss them too much'.

Start going out without him, and put in a plan to leave him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/08/2021 13:07

In his eyes you are already a pushover and he had no respect for you whatsoever.

Firm up plans to leave this man, this is who he is and he will not change.
I would also think the supposed good times you have are mainly on his terms and have also become further and further between. And as for he making you laugh that’s no reason to stay with him either.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. Would you want her to be with a man like this in her relationship when adult?. No you would not and this man is not good enough for you either.

Regularsizedrudy · 01/08/2021 13:16

Your expectations are not too high. They are too low. Stop letting him walk all over you.

TheSmallAssassin · 01/08/2021 13:25

So many alarm bells ringing here, the fact that you suspect he is punishing you for yesterday, that he doesn't take over pickups when he is on his week off, that he dismisses your feelings.

Being silly together and having a laugh occasionally is just not enough, you are parents now and he needs to be pulling his weight and supporting you, not working against you.

It doesn't sound like he is on your side at all, which is the bare minimum in any relationship, surely?

ChristmasFluff · 01/08/2021 15:40

I would end it. When you are parenting on your own, it will be so much better, because you won't be feeling resentful. And if it turns out he is a decent dad, you will get a break when your DD is with him.

Or you can stay with him and nothing will change.

Suzi888 · 01/08/2021 15:48

I don’t think a lot of men do that much around the house to be honest. My DH does do things but he seems to somehow create another messHmm.
Only you can decide, it’s not a nice way to live. The bit that stands out for me, is that you feel like he’s punishing you.
He’s living his best life isn’t he? Playing golf and you are always around. If you don’t want to leave, I’d start making your own life. Go out without him, go on holiday without him etc

Marmitemarinaded · 01/08/2021 15:52

Op

You’re not happy
I don’t understand why you waited around all morning. Stewing. Carve out a life for you and your children.

You say you “mentioned” staying with your sister. Why didn’t you just arrange?

You need to woman up.

You don’t seem very keen on him but your bending to his whims

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2021 15:56

Your marriage is already over, you just haven't accepted it yet. He has no respect for you, and you have lost respect for him, justifiably. He's horrible and doesn't appreciate you or your little family at all.

You've wasted enough time on him.

YeokensYegg · 01/08/2021 16:04

Pack up for you and your DD and go to your sisters.

Stay as long as you like.

Turn off your phone.

TheSmallAssassin · 01/08/2021 16:12

@Suzi888 it's this attitude that keeps women putting up with shit. My husband does easily half of the housework (if not more) - incompetence would be a complete turn off for me.

Original poster
nineofhearts · 01/08/2021 21:02

I love him, but I don't like him a lot of the time. This isn't how I imagined my life panning out.

I certainly don't want to live a life of cooking, cleaning and sacrificing my own happiness to make everyone else comfortable. Nor do I want to be stuck waiting around for someone who clearly has no respect for me.

We have had a horrible day - which is partly my fault because I was in a sour mood. I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling and he told me he was stressed with work, etc, which is why he'd slept for so long.

I'm honestly at a loss. I don't like myself very much right now, nor do I like the life I find myself living, so i guess it's up to me to change that.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 01/08/2021 21:07

@TheSmallAssassin perhaps. But some men work a lot more than the woman- it depends. I wouldn’t expect a man working a 12 hour day to come in and start doing housework. There’s a lot more going on here than housework not being done.

GrandmasCat · 01/08/2021 21:24

When I was married to some selfish arse who would come out off bed on the weekend but would spend the whole if it on a bike, I often wondered if I would be able to manage to work, take care of DS and house chores on my own with no family around.

2 weeks after he moved out, I sat on the sofa at 8, perfectly relaxed, with a perfectly clean house, a child in bed, the fridge full and NOTHING else to do.

I realised at that time that I have been doing everything on my own for years and what was getting me exhausted was not DS, work or the chores but spending so much energy nagging him to help or getting frustrated about his selfishness.

Don’t worry about talking things through with people, you won’t get a lot of support, even if he was beating you someone will be telling you that he is a great father, because unlike you, they are not putting up with him day in day out.

Leave, but leave when it suits YOU. Once you stop trying to save a dead marriage, life opens up as if the sun was coming out. Nothing wrong with starting preparing for your new independent life while he is having a lie in or ignoring you upstairs.

GrandmasCat · 01/08/2021 21:28

And yes, you will love him for a long while, love doesn’t stop when you split, but if you have been doing so much on your own I suspect you no longer love him as a partner but as a somewhat annoying younger brother or life long friend.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/08/2021 23:05

I don’t think the ladies who post on here about partners doing half if not more realise how rare this is— I’ve discussed with friends (I’m now 59 and have been married twice and lived with someone for 4 years) and not one of my friends has a guy who does much over and above the minimum after the first few years when it comes to household drudgery . No wonder so many women in 40s and 50s aren’t interested in sex and separate when so many men want a ‘reward’ and a pat on the back for any housework at all