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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my wife having an affair? Help Please. I am distraught.

46 replies

Eyepic · 01/08/2021 11:00

My wife has a new electric bike and with there is an app that helps adjust it.
She is not really into the technicalities of the bike and so I helped set it up and needed to sort the app out. It didn't work, I did a load of reading and early the next morning went back to her phone to try and sort the bike out (our phones auto lock but we both know each others passes).
When she put her phone down the previous night it had been left with watsapp open and after we had gone to bed she had received a message from a woman but next to the woman’s name (Tina) was a picture of her and it was of a friend of ours called Tim. The message consisted of hearts and clouds but no words.
I have never looked into her phone and don’t believe in prying but on this occasion did. There was no other record of conversations with Tim other than a record of a phone call through watsapp four weeks ago.
I didn’t say anything but checked her phone a few hours later and all record of that message had been removed. I felt sick to the core and have little doubt that there were secret messages and that ultimately and an affair to some greater/lesser extent. I must confess to checking the pone occasionally over the next couple of days and two days later at 8 pm ish he sent another message that I found an hour later. I miss you, I miss your voice, I miss your touch. I miss your you.
Next morning it had once again all been deleted.
We have known Tim for several years and he is very much her friend not mine.
As far as I am aware they haven’t seen each other for a couple of years but I have always been trusting and have never had reason to doubt/check.
My instincts tell me that something has been going on for at least 4 years.

. I totally love her and have done for 40+ years (we are 60 and 59). I always told her if she wanted an affair I would live with it (although not like it) but didn’t want anything going on behind my back and 10 years ago she had an affair with a friend of ours until he died.
This is eating me up. It is the lying and deceit. The instinctive feeling that when I challenge her (as I must for my own sanity) she will lie and minimise her/their involvement. The pain her future lies will cause me is insane at the moment, I am totally stressed and can’t sleep.

Our eldest and his wife are visiting us for the next few days (for her birthday) and I need to wait until they have returned to their home before I feel I can start the conversation.
She is unaware of all of this and asking me why I am so stressed and out of sorts.

I will have the conversation in a reasonable controlled way but feel sure that there is a whole bunch of pain and tears coming.

What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Hopingforabagofbuttons · 01/08/2021 11:08

Why did you tell her you would live with her having an affair ? You pretty much gave her the green light to go ahead and do it.
Then despite you telling her that with the one rule that you didn’t want her doing it behind your back she’s done just that. The lies and deceit are what goes hand in hand with an affair. She deleted all messages so doesn’t want you finding out and won’t own up to it. You love her and she’s taken advantage of that big time, she sounds like she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. What do you want to happen next

Original poster
Eyepic · 01/08/2021 11:12

Told her many years ago that if she was going to have an affair I would prefer honesty about it. Also told her I would never leave her and that if we ever split she and our sons could have everthing.
Lads have now grown up and have their own homes so not the same pressuers etc.
I absolutly love allways have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eyepic · 01/08/2021 11:15

I suppose what I want next is for her to be honest and tell me what the heck has gone on.

You can't fight what you don't know.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 01/08/2021 11:16

Gently, if you've told her that you'll always love her and she could have everything, then you've pretty much given her carte blanche to do whatever she likes.

You need to have a really good think about if this is what you want. I'd say that you deserve so much better, you deserve to have happiness too and this is no way to be treated.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/08/2021 11:18

I am so sorry OP- I think it’s the lies and sneaking around that get you most— and the utter disrespect - I found out about something like this many years after it happened as my H wrote poems/songs about his feelings about someone else and I found them stuffed away. I stayed but have never felt the same

Crikeyalmighty · 01/08/2021 11:20

Thing is though my H has always loved me to bits- I think he was in love with the buzz of something new and secret - in love with love if you know what I mean- it may be your wife feels this way too— I certainly wouldn’t though go along as if it’s fine as it’s clearly not fine for you- whatever your head says

Original poster
Eyepic · 01/08/2021 11:29

Thank you Crickey I think you are on to something.I love her and allways want her to be happy, but the lies and disrespect hurts so much.

The thrill and buzz is a good point but it can't be behind my back.

OP posts:
changesoul · 01/08/2021 11:30

You need to download the app if u have iphone it's called "wats chat" you can scan her what's app QR code from settings to ur phone once you download the app then u will be able to see all her wats app messages on ur phone when she text. So you can be sure if she is just having friendly talk or she is having something else ...before u approach hope it helps

quizqueen · 01/08/2021 11:32

It sounds like you're been a walk over all your married life and she knows this and has taken advantage of it.

gobackanddoitproperly · 01/08/2021 11:53

Why have you given the ok for an affair? I hate to pry but do you have a physical relationship?

Original poster
Eyepic · 01/08/2021 12:00

Yes we do have sex. Not as often as when we were young but still there.

The problem about an affair is not her having the affair but the deceit and lying.

OP posts:
gobackanddoitproperly · 01/08/2021 12:01

Sorry. There are a lot of threads about sexless marriage on here and I wondered if it was a factor.

Original poster
Eyepic · 01/08/2021 12:03

What I haven't said is that for many years we have both been nudists and have not been as hung up about sex and nudity as others may be.
But lying and cheating are a different matter for me.

OP posts:
feeficken · 01/08/2021 13:58

Oh wow, listen I am going to be blunt here and so I’ll apologise in advance. My wife has been seeing OM for roughly 18 months and so we’re “separated” but we’re still living together, man I have picked me danced liked an absolute mental case to the decrement of my physical and especially mental health and ip to the point I read this I thought I was the chumpiest of all chumps but now maybe not. You’ve asked what to do and my only advice here is to walk away now while you have your sanity, you said she’s done it before and now you’ve told her you will accept if she has an affair?! That is just toxic and it’s clear that she does not love you. Look I know it’s hard, in fact it’s probably one of the worst experiences of your life but I am going to tell you getting out of this craziness is going to open your eyes and you will start valuing yourself more to the point you’ll wonder why the fuck you would put up with such poor behaviour.

The message here is save yourself and do it now because I am telling you that you will only suffer for it in the long run if you don’t.

Karmalady · 01/08/2021 14:06

OP…..it really wasn’t wise to give your wife a green light to have affairs.

It’s not about age, DH and I are older than you, but neither of us would put up with the other one cheating. We both want a spouse who’s truthful, faithful and respectful.

You will make your own decisions, but, personally, I’d have her bags packed. Your kids are old enough to understand and support you.

You’re still young enough to start again (60 isn’t old!), and I hope you do.

Good luck.

Lavenderpillow · 01/08/2021 14:07

If you tell your wife you will stay with her no matter what you’ve given her permission to treat you badly. She should have more respect for you, but because you’ve been so forgiving she has decided to have an affair again.
That’s not to say any of this is your fault, more that you need to make sure you don’t get walked over by people.
Is there any way you can talk to her privately as soon as poss? This will be eating you up until you can broach it with her.

Lavenderpillow · 01/08/2021 14:08

I should add that whatever she says isn’t good enough to forgive her actions.

aiwblam · 01/08/2021 14:10

It puts rather a different light on things: saying that you would live with her having an affair. I am so confused by that part, that it is difficult to analyse what has resulted from it.

MMmomDD · 01/08/2021 14:14

OP - you have been together for a long time and have a sort of an open relationship. She may or may not have overstepped the boundaries you have - so I think you need to have a conversation.
You said she hasn’t seen Tim for several years - so it may be in her head this isn’t an ‘affair’. And just because Tim misses her and longs for her - doesn’t mean she feels the same. She might just enjoy the attention.
Your pain comes from the place of fear of losing her. The only way of dealing with it is by having an honest conversation.
Don’t bottle this up.

beigebrownblue · 01/08/2021 14:15

I'm not sure about the 'if we split up they could have everything' either to be honest.

If a woman posted on mumsnet in similar scenario we would probably be telling her to leave her OH.

It sounds like you are suffering from very low self esteem Op. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Wishes2020 · 01/08/2021 14:57

The mistake was letting her have the first affair. Once you have done it once out in the open, it’s very easy to do it behind your back. She doesn’t sound like a decent or honest person. You deserve better Flowers

PaterPower · 01/08/2021 14:58

She doesn’t get to “have everything,” that’s just ridiculous grandstanding and (in the nicest possible way) you need to knock that shit on the head right now.

IMO you should start thinking about the practicalities of a split and where you’d each live - with a settlement that is fair to you both

You might have some “romantic” idea that you can save your relationship, but once someone knows that their partner has lied to them it will eat away at their marriage.

If you try and keep it limping along you’ll end up hating her and hating yourself. You’ll always be looking over her shoulder because you just won’t be able to stop. It’s no sort of life to be permanently suspicious of the person you live with.

AllyBama · 01/08/2021 15:11

I feel like we’re missing a big chunk of the story here. Why is it ok for her to have an affair? Why did you give her the green light to go outside of the marriage? Is she unhappy in the marriage and would have left but this was the compromise? Stay married but she’s allowed to have an affair/s?

Sorry for all the questions, genuinely trying to get my head around it.

Sittingonabench · 01/08/2021 15:59

You sound like a good man who has clear boundaries which she is aware of. The reason people lie is that they are afraid of the repercussions of their actions. If you have said you could accept an affair so long as there is transparency then im sorry to say that it is likely this may be deeper than an affair. When you raise it with her I would try to get that clear - is it just an affair or is it more as I think that will be the crux of it. Obviously the lying and betrayal of your boundaries will need to be discussed too as this is what has initially caused the distress but I would prepare yourself for why she has stooped to deception when you have been so open about your boundaries.

Original poster
Eyepic · 01/08/2021 16:34

Yes Ally yes a chunk of this is missing.
We had a conversation about affairs perhaps 25 years ago after a couple of friends split after one had an affair. At the time we both believed they could have rescued their relationship if they had wished.
Our opinions differed she said if I had an affair she would not wish to know, I said I definitely would wish to know. Neither of us felt that it would definitely cause the end of our marriage.
I have had a small dalliance many years ago and kept it quiet and very discrete.
She had one with our good friend confirmed with me prior to the relationship that I was OK and indeed I did the childcare when they met. He was never told of my involvement and I have to say when she came home after their meeting we had some pretty hot sex. This carried on for a while until one day he suddenly died of a heart attack. We were both devastated by his loss.
MM I didn’t say that she hasn’t seen Tim for several years.. more she has known Tim for several years but I am not aware of their meeting for a couple of years (there has been a pandemic and the pub that we all used to frequent closed 2 + years ago) I have never been told of them meeting except in that pub.
My request for advice is over a couple of matters:
Am I jumping to conclusions over potentially scant information (I believe not or that at the very least there needs to be a hell of a reason that I am unable to think of)?
When I confront her am I right in assuming that she will lie like hell about the extent of the relationship? How do I cope with this? I am a man ... some female insight would be of help. Does this lying mean that she is actually deeply into him?

OP posts: