Is my wife having an affair? Help Please. I am distraught.

[Eyepic]

My wife has a new electric bike and with there is an app that helps adjust it.
She is not really into the technicalities of the bike and so I helped set it up and needed to sort the app out. It didn't work, I did a load of reading and early the next morning went back to her phone to try and sort the bike out (our phones auto lock but we both know each others passes).
When she put her phone down the previous night it had been left with watsapp open and after we had gone to bed she had received a message from a woman but next to the woman’s name (Tina) was a picture of her and it was of a friend of ours called Tim. The message consisted of hearts and clouds but no words.
I have never looked into her phone and don’t believe in prying but on this occasion did. There was no other record of conversations with Tim other than a record of a phone call through watsapp four weeks ago.
I didn’t say anything but checked her phone a few hours later and all record of that message had been removed. I felt sick to the core and have little doubt that there were secret messages and that ultimately and an affair to some greater/lesser extent. I must confess to checking the pone occasionally over the next couple of days and two days later at 8 pm ish he sent another message that I found an hour later. I miss you, I miss your voice, I miss your touch. I miss your you.
Next morning it had once again all been deleted.
We have known Tim for several years and he is very much her friend not mine.
As far as I am aware they haven’t seen each other for a couple of years but I have always been trusting and have never had reason to doubt/check.
My instincts tell me that something has been going on for at least 4 years.

. I totally love her and have done for 40+ years (we are 60 and 59). I always told her if she wanted an affair I would live with it (although not like it) but didn’t want anything going on behind my back and 10 years ago she had an affair with a friend of ours until he died.
This is eating me up. It is the lying and deceit. The instinctive feeling that when I challenge her (as I must for my own sanity) she will lie and minimise her/their involvement. The pain her future lies will cause me is insane at the moment, I am totally stressed and can’t sleep.

Our eldest and his wife are visiting us for the next few days (for her birthday) and I need to wait until they have returned to their home before I feel I can start the conversation.
She is unaware of all of this and asking me why I am so stressed and out of sorts.

I will have the conversation in a reasonable controlled way but feel sure that there is a whole bunch of pain and tears coming.

What the hell do I do?

You need to take photos of a message as proof, and go for an STi check.

If you think that she will lie, then you need to leave it a few more days/weeks and take screenshots of any other messages, so that you are clear in your mind and have proof of what has been going on. Your wife may admit to it all, but you’ve already had an affair, which may have not been as discrete as you think - she may know about it and therefore has less of a problem in now lying to you. And you’ve had no problems with her affairs in the past. Your problem now is her not telling you, so it may be that your relationship is coming to an end. I wish you best of luck in how to deal with this moving forward.

Seems all kinds of fucked up really.

I think OP you would be best to decide in advance of speaking to your wife what your boundaries really are. If it’s that it’s an open marriage then if she is seeing other men/man she needs to be open about it , not secretive— if you dont want her seeing anyone and have changed your mind- tell her so. It is then up to her to tell you what she wants . At the moment it looks a bit like you gave her the green light but she prefers it to be secretive- maybe it seems more ‘fun’ to her that way, maybe she thinks of it as more than a casual affair and awful though that is , it’s better if you all know where you stand.

I think you may be right and her lies indicate this is special. It may mean too much to her to share and have it become something to titillate you when she gets home, like it was last time. I don't know what you can do other than get further proof she can't lie her way out of. But really where will that leave you? If you want to stay in the marriage above all else, you might be best saying nothing. You won't change her feelings or behaviour, you can only do what's right for you.

I am sorry to say this but your wife has no respect for you, you are worth more than this surely! You have essentially given her the green light, I think once someone lies that would be it for me, no matter how much I loved them, you have essentially allowed her by giving her permission to disrespect you

You need to speak with her. It seems you have always had a slightly unusual arrangement which is fine. It may be that she still loves you as much as ever but wanted to have something that was 'just hers'-- hence not telling you. You could discuss that.

I would probably take screenshots for your own sanity. Her reaction will say a lot-- but give her time. Many people react defensively when caught. If she won't agree to behave in a way you are happy with, you will need to leave (or stay and be unhappy). But given the reasonably open relationship, it may not be that black and white.

Talk to her OP.

Tbh it sounds like a messed up marriage, affairs on both sides, what happened to being faithful, you encouraged such behaviour and admit to having your own little affair.

Thank you folks.
For those who said screen shots... I only have occasional access to her phone and only get the small fragments where Tim has sent a message and she is unaware of it. My wife immediately deletes any messages when she is involved and never leaves any signs behind (most impressed with her discipline).

Hence asking people if they thought I was jumping to conclusions too quickly but nobody seems to think so (and neither do I).

Had wondered about telling her I had found parts of conversation but not confirming what or when but asking for a full summary which should include the bits I do know.

Son, DIL and wife all fully aware that something is eating me up but persuaded then it was part of greiving for my Father who died last year. They are all very concerned about my mental health atm. In fairness so am I.

So where’s your line in the sand OP?

Can she continue this affair if she coughs up to it? Or does she have to stop, and stay faithful to you? How will you reassure yourself that she’s being faithful (or transparent in her affairs) in the future?

I think you need to work out the answers to these questions before you confront her.

Giving your wife the green light to cheat was a Massive mistake .It shows weakness and comes across as pathetic.What women is going to find that attractive?Its not love you are showing your wife but subservience and she is treating you as such.You need psychiatric help to change your mindset
I’m sorry if this comes across as harsh but you are enabling your wife to behave badly because you are scared not because you love her .I really hope you get the help you need and find the strength to confront her (in a non violent way)

@Eyepic

Thank you Crickey I think you are on to something.I love her and allways want her to be happy, but the lies and disrespect hurts so much.

The thrill and buzz is a good point but it can't be behind my back.

What about YOU being happy? This is not making you happy. I bet this marriage has been you making all the compromises because you feel you don't deserve her. You are worth more than this cheating, horrible user who has treated you like muck.

To answer the question in the title- yes of course your wife is having an affair. Whether it’s physical as well as being emotional and how long - who knows.

You are obviously reasonably open minded - but you have perhaps been over indulgent of your wife’s dalliances in the past, but now it is affecting your mental health, and you need to stop sweeping this under the rug.

I would first think “in my marriage, for me, what does good look like ?” - if you are HONESTLY ok with your wife carrying on as long as you know about it -then ok - have a conversation with your wife in those terms - but you need to be honest with yourself first.

Whatever you want- have the discussion with your wife - tell her how hurt you are and tell her the effect this has had on you. Get some screenshots in case she tries to gaslight you into thinking there was nothing happening. Don’t let yourself be guilted about looking at her phone- in the circumstances 99.99% of the population would do the same.

If she loves you even 1/2 as much as you obviously love her then she try and make this right. If she doesn’t then you have to wonder whether this is worth the toll it is taking on you.

Sp you've both had affairs and you're fine being in an open relationship as long as there is honesty but your wife would rather not know.

It's hard to advise because most of us would not be accepting of an open relationship/affairs, whereas you are.

She may not consider it an affair if it isn't physical although the fact she deletes messages means that she knows it's wrong.

What do you want people to advise? You need to talk to her and find out what is going on and decide whether you're comfortable with that.

I think she is generally doing what it appears you both agreed was acceptable over a very long marriage with the exception she isn't being open with you about it.

You saying that you provided childcare whilst she met and had sex with another man, and then you both had hot sex seems to suggest a cuckold type fantasy even.

The whole thing seems screwed up but obviously has worked for you over the years. You clearly have changed what is acceptable to you so speak with her....obviously she might choose him which isn't in your radar to decide

@Sunflowergirl1

I think she is generally doing what it appears you both agreed was acceptable over a very long marriage with the exception she isn't being open with you about it.

You saying that you provided childcare whilst she met and had sex with another man, and then you both had hot sex seems to suggest a cuckold type fantasy even.

The whole thing seems screwed up but obviously has worked for you over the years. You clearly have changed what is acceptable to you so speak with her....obviously she might choose him which isn't in your radar to decide

This was my thinking too. Although I don't think the OP has changed what was acceptable, his wife has. It was acceptable as long as the OP was part of it, as you say, a cuckhold thing, which fits with the overall tone of OPs subservient posts. The problem is his wife has gone rogue now with an affair thats just for her, not for them both I think.

OP, where is your self respect here? You don't sound like you have any left at all anymore, so in some ways it isn't a surprise that your wife isn't showing any towards you - I don't mean to victim blame, but rather to observe that you've made the classic mistake of thinking that if you completely disregard your own self for the benefit of someone else it will make them realise how wonderful you are. IT DOESN'T. The same applies in professional circles; if an employee always does everything they're asked and never says no it doesn't result in their boss going around singing their praises to anyone who will listen, it results in their boss piling more and more on them with less and less regard for how they are coping.

In your case, your wife hasn't appreciated you for saying she's free to have "affairs" (what you actually seem to mean is that you're accepting of a one-sided open relationship, you are actually NOT happy with her having secret liaisons which is what affairs are) or that you would "give her everything" in the case of a split, she has instead become contemptuous of you. How did the latter conversation (about you just rolling over in the event of a divorce) even occur? It seems a peculiar conversation to have in a marriage anyway, but why on earth was your line not, "In the event of a split I will, of course, pursue a fair division of the matrimonial assets"?

Why have you been so determined to squash your own self down and keep her on some sort of pedestal? It's not a healthy way to be in a relationship (and as you've sadly discovered, it doesn't "work" anyway). Mutual respect is the key to the success of almost ANY type of relationship.

@Eyepic

Thank you Crickey I think you are on to something.I love her and allways want her to be happy, but the lies and disrespect hurts so much.

The thrill and buzz is a good point but it can't be behind my back.

But the whole point of the "thrill and buzz" of an affair is that it is behind the partner's back

If it can't be behind your back then it's an open relationship, not an affair. Affairs are, by definition, behind the partner's back.

I think you just need to sit her down tonight and say "talk to me about Tim".

You know. You cant not do anything about it

A little story OP- in my 1st marriage I decided to split several years after I had an affair (to be on my own) my guilt meant I said he could have everything - I took nothing apart from my personal things. I thought maybe that way we could stay friends and he wouldn’t be able to do the ‘my wife fleeced me’ thing. As it was he still treated me like crap and 8 weeks later moved someone else in. I wish to god I had taken what I was due.

This doesn't sound like a messed up marriage, just a slightly unconventional one. You seem more concerned this time about your DW falling in love with Tim, whereas this presumably was not going to happen with her previous AP. You must talk to her. She might just be enjoying the secret conversations but you need to know where you stand. Not saying anything is going to damage your health and make you increasingly unhappy.