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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How normal is low level abuse?

33 replies

again2020 · 01/08/2021 10:57

Occasionally poster on these forums. I've not name changed, I've posted several times before and had a lot of LTB responses. I'm still here, for my daughter and due to fear. With a little parental pressure aswell on both sides.

Currently my partner is angry at me for not giving him a second child, he is very depressed and taking it out on me.
He doesn't do any housework and very little childcare. Calling me pathetic in front of DD. Lording it over me that he earns a lot of money and pays the bills and buys the food. This apparently is good enough.

Yesterday he was in a bad mood said he was going out and went drinking for 6-7 hours in a nearby city centre on his own. I had DD all day. He kept drinking in the evening, came to bed drunk. Woke me up saying our relationship was over, that women were coming round (his idea of a joke) and I had to move to the sofa. He kept talking like this and eventually I did move. His parting shot was 'Yes, I won!' before going to sleep.
He's still in bed , I've been up with DD all morning.
I don't really talk to many people IRL. You can't, can you?
My MIL had 4 children with borderline abusive/alcoholic idiots and says there's no such thing as a 'new man', and women do a lot of the brunt of childcare whilst men go off, it has always been the way.
I don't engage with the arguements between my partner anymore I, I just ride it out, hoping one day he'll leave or I wil get the strength to. I feel sorry for DD but I'm a good mum and she never goes without. It's so difficult. I never talk to my friends about relationships. I'm wondering if low level abuse is not that uncommon?
DD (nearly 4) asked me if I'd been up all night and I said no, mummy slept on the sofa.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/08/2021 11:01

Is it really to DD's benefit that she sees this model of relationships? She is learning that women do all the housework, all the childcare, and are the emotional punchbags for their partners, who do as they like and treat the women in their lives with disrespect and anger.

So is that how you want her to live in future, with some drunken fuckwit calling her names while she skivvies for him? Maybe you'll be like your parents, putting pressure on her to stick it out.

Original poster
again2020 · 01/08/2021 11:02

@category12 I would never do that to her!

OP posts:
category12 · 01/08/2021 11:06

Good.

So now start showing her that relationships shouldn't be like this, and you don't have to put up with living like this.

ikeepseeingit · 01/08/2021 11:08

You’re worth so much more than this OP. Your daughter deserves a better environment as well. You don’t need this waste of space, you would have less work alone than you do with him. This kind of abuse is not common in my circle at all. Good luck, OP I’m sorry this is happening to you x

Umberellatheweatha · 01/08/2021 11:11

'Low level abuse?' OP your life sounds like a living hell. He's a fucking asshole. A partner is meant to add happiness to your life. Not drain it. Whats the point of him?

If you wont leave then whatever you do, dont have sex with this guy without TWO forms of protection. And make sure you buy the condoms yourself and keep them hidden because I wouldn't put it past him to tamper with them.

Fyi he isn't depressed that you wont have another kid. He wants you to have another kid so that he regains more control over you. He is 'sulking' (silent treatment) to manipulate you into feeling you should. It's all part of the same thing. He wants to knock you up so you'll be too tired to leave and he can ramp up the abuse further.

Your daughter should not be raised in a household where her mother skivveys around after an asshole who is treating her like shit. You say it's been commonplace in your family? Then change it! Break the cycle. You deserve better and so does she. She deserves to see a strong mother who chooses happiness and freedom over subservience and sorrow. So that she in turn will know to do the same in future.

herecomestreble · 01/08/2021 11:11

I wouldn't call that low level abuse at all, it's full abuse. It's far from normal, you really need to find the strength to get out. What is it you are afraid of?

Spidey66 · 01/08/2021 11:15

Thats not "low level abuse". He's an awful, awful man and what sort of role model for your daughter.

While I think sometimes MN can trot out LTB for trivial matters like not putting both bins out on the correct day, in this instance it's justified.

Watchingyouwazowski · 01/08/2021 11:18

That sounds very abusive to me and I talk as someone who took many years to muster the courage to end an abusive relationship. Once the scales had fallen from my eyes, there was no going back. It’s not easy but you can do it! Have a look for the Freedom Programme. It has saved my life.

Pashazade · 01/08/2021 11:22

This is horrible it's not normal. There are many good men out there (I know MN can make it seem like there aren't) but those of us with the good ones don't need to post, we just have nice normal loving relationships with respectful caring men. Please leave, neither you nor your daughter deserve this and if she grows up with it the odds are very high she will repeat the cycle.

RandomMess · 01/08/2021 11:39

Why are you afraid of leaving?

It isn't low level abuse at all Confused

AnyFucker · 01/08/2021 11:45

You can't, can you?

You can, and I hope you will find the courage within you to do so.

This is not “low level” abuse. This is outright abuse and it does not matter how “common” it is, your daughter is being subjected to it.

I expect it is “normal” in some families in that some will “normalise” it in an attempt to rationalise what they have endured in their own relationships

Don’t perpetuate that for your daughter

UnsuitableHat · 01/08/2021 11:50

That isn’t low level abuse and I hope you find a way out of it.

GetTaeFuck · 01/08/2021 11:50

@RandomMess

Why are you afraid of leaving?

It isn't low level abuse at all Confused

Probably because women are most at risk of being killed by their partners when they leave…
GetTaeFuck · 01/08/2021 11:51

Call Women’s Aid and get the fuck out of there, safely.

SilentPanic · 01/08/2021 11:55

This is the relationship model you're giving your daughter. I know it's hard to accept but it's true- she will carry this "normal" around with her for the rest of her life. Don't do it to her.
This is what made me finally leave my relationship. I spent years telling myself I was staying for the benefit of the children, but I was lying to myself. I was really broke and exhausted for a good while after leaving, our house wasn't very nice, we could barely afford to put the heating on in Winter... But it's the best thing I've ever done for them as their mother.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/08/2021 11:57

This isn't low level abuse OP and you do not realise how badly you are suffering until you leave.
When i left it was if a cage had been opened and I was finally free.

gobackanddoitproperly · 01/08/2021 12:00

He’s broken up with you. He said your relationship was over, yes? Don’t argue the point would be my advice.

Funnylittlefloozie · 01/08/2021 12:02

Just jumping in to agree with the others that this is in noway "low level " abuse. This is appalling abuse, and you and your children don't deserve to be treated like this. There are ways you can leave this situation, please look into them.

Your MIL is a fool, don't listen to her.

thelegohooverer · 01/08/2021 12:10

By low-level abuse do you mean abuse that isn’t actually physical?

To answer your question, I think that there’s an awful lot of it. But if you asked a slightly different question - how much abuse should a woman accept as the terms of marriage - I’d say none.

What was your parents’ marriage like? What kind of relationships did you see growing up? Often the lessons about relationships are learned very, very early.

Your mil kept attracting similarly awful men and that is also common, but it’s not unavoidable. The Freedom Programme helps to dismantle some of the patterns and beliefs that lead to these repeat mistakes. The Shark Cage metaphor is worth a look too. My point is that there are men out there who are not abusers and you can do better.

GlitterBiscuits · 01/08/2021 12:10

If this is your 'low level'
I don't want to know what worse would be.
This is not an atmosphere to raise a child.
You need to make a move. Better to be raised by happy, free parent than one who is trapped and miserable

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 01/08/2021 12:17

I wouldn’t call this low level abuse. It’s just abuse. He sounds absolutely horrible. I don’t say this lightly but I hope you are in a position to leave him.

waheythisoneisfree · 01/08/2021 12:18

The ‘low level abuse’ (by that do you mean it’s not physical violence?) is probably the most common form of abuse - they get to control and manipulate you with a ‘clean’ conscience and can tell themselves they’re not wife batterers. It’s still abuse and it’s insidious abuse as it makes you doubt yourself. Yeah, we all know a black eye is wrong, it’s proof to all about what’s happening. The others are more sneaky but just as damaging. Please OP break this cycle and show your DD you don’t have to live this way. Your MIL is trying to justify her own mistakes - yes, lots of men are like this but loads aren’t and it’s better to be alone than with a dickhead. Take care and please seek some professional advice so you can leave carefully if you do decide to leave.

StormBaby · 01/08/2021 12:24

While he’s still in bed, call women’s aid, start packing up some things, and call family/friends.

Colourmeclear · 01/08/2021 12:34

It doesn't matter if it's common, do you want to put up with it? What is acceptable to you? Where are your boundaries?

Women (and men) are suffering the world over at the hands of their partners but that doesn't mean on an individual level we should stop looking for better, demanding better and realising we deserve better. Just because something is common it doesn't mean it's ok.

There is 0 abuse in my relationship. Previous ones were but if I hadn't realised I deserved better, I would still be there.

You deserve so much more than he is giving you (love that is not abuse).

Jurassicparkinajug · 01/08/2021 13:02

There are certainly a lot of abusive relationships but it's not common and it's not acceptable. I have only one friend who has been in a relationship like this and she eventually found the courage to leave for the sake of her children; she didn't want them to think this was either an okay way to treat others or to be treated themselves.

You don't sound happy OP. I think coming to the decision to leave is a gradual process and I'm not sure you are ready yet but do you think you can call woman's aid? All you would be doing is getting advice and finding out your options, they won't put you under pressure to leave. This man has absolutely no respect for you and you deserve better than that.

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