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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How normal is low level abuse?

33 replies

again2020 · 01/08/2021 10:57

Occasionally poster on these forums. I've not name changed, I've posted several times before and had a lot of LTB responses. I'm still here, for my daughter and due to fear. With a little parental pressure aswell on both sides.

Currently my partner is angry at me for not giving him a second child, he is very depressed and taking it out on me.
He doesn't do any housework and very little childcare. Calling me pathetic in front of DD. Lording it over me that he earns a lot of money and pays the bills and buys the food. This apparently is good enough.

Yesterday he was in a bad mood said he was going out and went drinking for 6-7 hours in a nearby city centre on his own. I had DD all day. He kept drinking in the evening, came to bed drunk. Woke me up saying our relationship was over, that women were coming round (his idea of a joke) and I had to move to the sofa. He kept talking like this and eventually I did move. His parting shot was 'Yes, I won!' before going to sleep.
He's still in bed , I've been up with DD all morning.
I don't really talk to many people IRL. You can't, can you?
My MIL had 4 children with borderline abusive/alcoholic idiots and says there's no such thing as a 'new man', and women do a lot of the brunt of childcare whilst men go off, it has always been the way.
I don't engage with the arguements between my partner anymore I, I just ride it out, hoping one day he'll leave or I wil get the strength to. I feel sorry for DD but I'm a good mum and she never goes without. It's so difficult. I never talk to my friends about relationships. I'm wondering if low level abuse is not that uncommon?
DD (nearly 4) asked me if I'd been up all night and I said no, mummy slept on the sofa.

OP posts:

Constancevariable · 01/08/2021 13:38

This isn’t low level abuse op call your local Domestic Abuse team and ask for an outreach worker to support you. If ever you have a chance to do something called the Freedom Program then jump at it. It will be life changing and help you see clearly what is abuse and what is a healthy relationship. There is a better life out there…

Mymapuddlington · 01/08/2021 13:42

I am so sorry you are going through this and have accepted it as ‘low level abuse’ whatever the hell that is.

Your daughter will already be accepting into her little mind that men treat women like shit and women have to put up with it. She will model her thoughts and actions on what she witnesses now so in 15 years when she is with an abusive man like her dad that will be her normal, is that what you want?

Show her that it is never acceptable for a man to be abusive. Ring women’s aid and explain you are scared, wait until he is at work, pack a bag and get out. No it won’t be easy, it could take a few years for you to be settled in a home with things in place to protect you but teaching your daughter self respect and that doing the right thing isn’t always easy but is so important is a lot better lesson than what you’re teaching her now.

FlowerArranger · 01/08/2021 13:52

@again2020 - what do you actually want from this thread?

I do not recall your previous threads, but why have you not acted on previous advice to leave this abusive man?

You mention your daughter as a reason, surely you can see that the model of relationships that she is witnessing will blight her future relationships?

Parental pressure? You are a grown-up, a mother. Why are you listening to your parents? This is your life, not theirs.

The fear you can understand. Has he ever been physically violent? What else are you actually afraid of? You need to address your fears and face them head on.

Can you do the Freedom Programme as a start? Talk to Women's Aid? And make a plan to get out.

Wombat64 · 01/08/2021 14:08

Another vote for that's not low-level abuse.

Get a plan together.

EarthSight · 01/08/2021 14:33

@again2020

Oh dear. He's bullying you into having another child, but it's not him who'll have to carry, birth or look after the child, is it?

Lording it over me that he earns a lot of money and pays the bills and buys the food. This apparently is good enough

Some men, who don't seem to have much to offer on the personality front, think this is enough. Maybe it would have been in enough in the 50s, but not anymore. You're not a vending machine.

Sorry but I find it very difficult he spend 6-7 hrs on his own in a city centre. 2 maybe, but not 6-7. He was either there to pick up women to punish you or he secretly went to a friend's house to pass the time.

Please stop having sex with him, if you are at the moment. Maybe low level abuse is common - who knows, but you have the right to decide what's normal for you. For some, screaming 'cunt' or smashing things in an argument is normal. They're grown up with it and the whole neighbourhood might have been like this, but it doesn't mean it's healthy or normal.

No wonder you don't want a second child with him. He's royally fucked things up for himself, haven't he? At this point, I wouldn't trust him if he suddenly has a change of heart and starts doing more in the house and being nicer with you. Be careful he doesn't do that as a way of getting you to stay and fall pregnant.

TerraNovaTwo · 02/08/2021 15:16

This isn't low level abuse... it's disgusting, soul destroying psychological abuse.

Staying for your DD sounds absurd when you think of the long term TRAUMA - damage to her sense of self, her perceptions of the world and quality of her future relationships. In the short term she may be devastated, but in time she will heal as you heal and you will both discover what it is to be healthy and happy.

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 15:32

What percentage of abuse would make you stay? If 3% of people were experiencing the same as you?

18%? 27%

What difference does it make?

You're basically saying that if other people have shit partners, you should put up with having a shit partner. Can you see how this misses the point, and lands you in a position where you basically just have to put up with the shit?

minniemouseshouses · 02/08/2021 15:40

This is horrible. Please leave him. Get your ducks in a row now.

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