What is wrong with me??

[DarkenedDoor]

I'm mid 40s and can't get off the starting block relationship wise. If truth be told, I never really have. I have 2 children by 2 different fathers. The first one, well I wasn't aware of red flags. It hadn't occurred to me at that point that I could be single - I was very much brought up with find a man, any man. I left him when I was pregnant and he tried to push me down the stairs and then dislocated his shoulder because he tried to punch me in the face, I ducked and he hit the wall instead.

I was shunned by my family for the shame of provoking a man into behaving that way and becoming a single parent. I was completely single for 2 years before starting a relationship with a man I'd been close friends with at school. He wanted to rescue me I suppose and, if I'm honest, I had no support, no one, no hope for the future, and so I let him. We didn't love each other or fancy each other but we were very good friends and he was a great dad to my son and we supported and encouraged each other. We rarely socialised together, never had sex, no affection etc but day to day was OK - we got on well, made each other laugh, just really good friends I suppose. After 6 years, we both wanted a baby. I didn't want my son to be an only child and he loved being a dad. Sounds ridiculous now but a bottle of wine later and I conceived.

4 years later and he met someone and fell in love. We split up but he continued to be supportive of me and a great dad to both children.

That was 10 years ago and I've been single pretty much ever since. Other than a couple of short term boyfriends when I was a teenager, I had no relationship experience. Since then, I've met men, I've dated but haven't been able to get off the starting block with anyone.

I think I'm attractive and I'm told I am. I'm capable, independent and outwardly confident. I think if someone got close enough to me they might see the cracks but no one ever has. I'm intelligent and educated. All the things I was told would put a man off me. I can't help that.

I meet men. I have a paying hobby that brings me into contact with lots of people and I've made some great friends through it but no interest. I work in a predominantly female field so rarely meet single men and, when I have, there's been no interest on either side.

I've been on dates, I've had flings that have lasted a few months but nothing that has ever been a relationship.

I read threads on here and hear people in real life talk about love, commitment, plans for the future and I've never had any of it.

I've been told I just haven't met the right person yet. But never? Not anyone who wants to be with me?

I've had several hobbies over the years, I've got talking to men in pubs, I've been introduced to men through friends. I've even tried the horror that is online dating and nothing. I've been to gigs and festivals alone, I go to coffee shops on my own, i started dance classes and did British Military Fitness on my own and etcen through all of them but still nothing.. It's not that I don't get interest from men, I do, but not one of them has wanted a relationship with me.

What am I doing wrong? And, more importantly, what can I do to change things?

There has been no contact with my son's father since I split up with him and my relationship with the other man is distantly amicable. There is no drama in my life and no unresolved issues.

You say there's no drama in your life and no unresolved issues - are you sure? Your family shunned you for the shame of provoking a man into behaving that way and becoming a single parent and you believe being intelligent and educated will put men off you. Because those things are pretty dramatic, MASSIVE issues and, as far as one can tell, unresolved.

I hope you can recognise the above as being utterly fucked up and nothing to do with you or how you should live your life, raise your children or conduct your relationships.

It's hard to tell without seeing/knowing how you interat with men, OP.
If you get dates and flings, it's likely that they find you attarctive, so try and pinpoint at what stage do they drift away - from your descripton could it be that you aer too forceful or bossy and they get intimidated?
Not at all saying you should change your personaity, I know that many men do love stong women but often they are softer/less alpha men who may not appeal to you - so worth looking into what sort of type do you go for when dating.
Is it mostly on looks/sex appeal / how successful they are?

Try those who are not your immediate 'type' as many people don't recognise what the real compatability is (I've had this problem, only recently started seeing that I made some very wrong choices based on 'attraction'). Yes have to fancy them but it really doesn't need to be instanteneous.

@FetchezLaVache

You say there's no drama in your life and no unresolved issues - are you sure? Your family shunned you for the shame of provoking a man into behaving that way and becoming a single parent and you believe being intelligent and educated will put men off you. Because those things are pretty dramatic, MASSIVE issues and, as far as one can tell, unresolved.

I hope you can recognise the above as being utterly fucked up and nothing to do with you or how you should live your life, raise your children or conduct your relationships.

I don't believe those things would.put a man off. That's what i.was told growing up which meant I made poor choices in my younger years and to give some context to my background. But I have also been told that I might come across as not 'needing' a man and that men like to be needed.

Those things made me stronger. But I don't feel strong though particularly.

I do recognise them as being fucked up now.

How do you know that none of these men have wanted a relationship with you? All of them have opened up and told you plainly that they have no interest in you?

Are you finding that the men you are dating are put off by you having a teenager at home? I’m not saying that’s right, but some might be.

@CatAndHisKit

It's hard to tell without seeing/knowing how you interat with men, OP. If you get dates and flings, it's likely that they find you attarctive, so try and pinpoint at what stage do they drift away - from your descripton could it be that you aer too forceful or bossy and they get intimidated? Not at all saying you should change your personaity, I know that many men do love stong women but often they are softer/less alpha men who may not appeal to you - so worth looking into what sort of type do you go for when dating. Is it mostly on looks/sex appeal / how successful they are?

Try those who are not your immediate 'type' as many people don't recognise what the real compatability is (I've had this problem, only recently started seeing that I made some very wrong choices based on 'attraction'). Yes have to fancy them but it really doesn't need to be instanteneous.

That's all good advice and all things I've done over the past 10 years. Which has been a bit of a journey really.

I don't care about success, material wealth, or even looks particularly. Obviously, I have to find someone attractive but, for example, I've dated a man who earned a 6 figure salary and one on minimum wage; a teacher who lived in a small apartment and a builder who lived in an old farmhouse. I'm not attracted to 'laddish' behaviour or 'bad boys'; I prefer intelligent and thoughtful men. I'm more interested in shared ideas, shared interests, shared world views... I very rarely meet someone I'm instantly physically attracted to. Probably three or four times in my life. It generally develops from getting to know them.

It's not that I can't build relationships with men. Over the years, I've had some close platonic relationships with men. To the point where children have commented that I didn't need a boyfriend because I had X person in my life. But I've still met and briefly dated men during those friendships. Only one man I dated has ever had a problem with it but I seem to end up in these platonic, non sexual, non romantic relationships. Even if I've developed feelings for them, they seem to have evolved into these.

‘There has been no contact with my son's father since I split up with him and my relationship with the other man is distantly amicable. There is no drama in my life and no unresolved issues.’

Sounds like unresolved drama to me. Your family sound dysfunctional and were not supportive when you were abused whilst pregnant.

No one on MN can assess what the issues are and give you proper advice without actually knowing you in rl. I would suggest you get some therapy and build up your confidence.
Landing yourself with any man at any cost should not be a goal, as you have sadly found out.

@Aquamarine1029

How do you know that none of these men have wanted a relationship with you? All of them have opened up and told you plainly that they have no interest in you?

Sometimes, yes. Sometimes theyve been overly critical of me and I just worked it out; one said he had no interest in meeting any of my friends or spending any time with them; another I discovered was on dating apps at the same time; one, when we'd been seeing each other exclusively for 6 months, said he liked and cared about me but didn't see it being any more than it was. And sometimes just an apathy and a sense of he's just not that into you.

Are you and the men you meet instantly attracted to each other?

Is the sex good at the beginning of the relationship or is there no sex taking place at all?

Sex is not the be all and end all, but it is important.

@OurMamInHavianas

Are you finding that the men you are dating are put off by you having a teenager at home? I’m not saying that’s right, but some might be.

Not that I'm aware of. I've been single since she was 6 though and it's never been any different. I obviously have to consider her and her needs and she is naturally my top priority but I do prioritise my own life too.

Besides, other single parents have relationships.with any number of children of all ages. Because someone has fallen in love with them.

‘... I very rarely meet someone I'm instantly physically attracted to. Probably three or four times in my life. It generally develops from getting to know them.’

Sorry, I forgot that you have already addressed the physical attraction side of things.

@HadEnoughofOtherThreads

‘There has been no contact with my son's father since I split up with him and my relationship with the other man is distantly amicable. There is no drama in my life and no unresolved issues.’

Sounds like unresolved drama to me. Your family sound dysfunctional and were not supportive when you were abused whilst pregnant.

No one on MN can assess what the issues are and give you proper advice without actually knowing you in rl. I would suggest you get some therapy and build up your confidence.
Landing yourself with any man at any cost should not be a goal, as you have sadly found out.

My son's father isn't even a factor. My ex was, and is, a good dad to him. I don't have any feelings of any nature towards him. I didn't love my ex anyway so, if anything, once the initial upheaval was over (prob within 6 months) I was genuinely happy he'd found love. He is still with her and the children both have a good relationship with her which I fully support.

Stuff with my family, well, yes it was dysfunctional but that is very much in the past - my parents both died before my relationship ended. I've had therapy to deal with childhood stuff.

But again, other people with 'issues' find love, have relationships, move on with their lives.

@HadEnoughofOtherThreads

Are you and the men you meet instantly attracted to each other?

Is the sex good at the beginning of the relationship or is there no sex taking place at all?

Sex is not the be all and end all, but it is important.

There has been attraction there on both sides. Sometimes I've realised that wasn't enough and there were incompatibilities, sometimes they have. But even when there haven't been specific incompatibilities, they just haven't felt strongly enough about me to want to take it further beyond 'dating' into a relationship.

Is there a similar/familiar theme when these men are over critical towards you? I.e. What do they say?

It sounds like you’re meeting men who just want sex with no strings attached. Maybe you need to try the more serious kinds of dating apps.
Re. dating apps - when you and a man are communicating before you’ve actually met - are you both discussing shared ideas, shared interests, shared world views?

Landing yourself with any man at any cost should not be a goal, as you have sadly found out.

Oh totally!

I was very bruised and the relationship with my daughter's father probably shouldn't really have happened but it was a very supportive close friendship. He gave me the confidence to challenge myself, supported me through a degree, encouraged me to value myself. He was my rock for many years. Although our contact is specifically centred on the children now, we co-parent well and are generally on the same page re the children.

Part of me thinks the biggest issue now is that I can't see myself in the sort of relationship I want. I can't imagine being someone's girlfriend or partner. I can't imagine.someome wanting that with me because they never have. I certainly can't imagine being loved or someone falling in love with me. I don't think I'm fundamentally unlovable more like there is a chip that hasn't been activated. Or something! I don't know

@HadEnoughofOtherThreads

Is there a similar/familiar theme when these men are over critical towards you? I.e. What do they say?

It sounds like you’re meeting men who just want sex with no strings attached. Maybe you need to try the more serious kinds of dating apps.
Re. dating apps - when you and a man are communicating before you’ve actually met - are you both discussing shared ideas, shared interests, shared world views?

Not really a common theme no. Well not beyond sexism - I shouldn't drink pints of beer; I should wear make up more often; I should be more concerned about my weight/size - I'm a 12 when I could he a 10; I did something on my own without asking for their advice; my driving/parking... just little things that are intended to reassert their dominance as The Man really. Not things I feel i should be addressing or 'working on' anyway.

I don't use dating apps. I did once around 8 years ago and it was dire. From what I hear, it hasn't improved! I have no interest in meeting anyone that way. Besides I do meet men in real life. And this was a problem long before dating apps had even been invented! It's not method of meeting men that is the issue.

I only date men I've got to know in real life; men with whom I have shared interests; men I get on well with and have things in common with. It's just that not one of them has ever felt strongly enough about me to want a relationship with me.

I end it when I realise. I don't hang on hoping they'll.change their minds.

There nothing wrong with my driving or parking, BTW...

I’m sorry to hear about your parents. I can’t imagine how traumatising that has been for you.

Although you’ve had therapy to deal with your childhood issues, therapy can be ongoing in order to deal with subsequent stages of your life.

Are you trying to meet all your “love needs” in one person?

Your 10-year relationship with your second child’s father sounded very loving - in support, encouragement, friendship - but not physically.

This article talks about how one person cannot meet all your needs and how there are different types of love. I’m sharing it in case it is useful.

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201907/one-person-cannot-meet-all-your-emotional-needs

My parents haven't had any direct influence on my life in over 10 years but, yes, you're right there was trauma but I've dealt with that.

There are undoubtedly aspects of life that would be different now had my relationships with them been different - I wasn't mentioned in either of their Wills for example. But no one else knows that.

I can't see how that right now anyone would see any of that written on me.

And even so, there are plenty of people with less than ideal childhoods who go on to have relationships and be loved.

‘I did something on my own without asking for their advice; my driving/parking... just little things that are intended to reassert their dominance as The Man really. Not things I feel i should be addressing or 'working on' anyway.’

Good; you brought up the area I was going to bring up about next:
Are you Alpha or Beta?
Do you sometimes allow the man to be ‘the man’?
Do you know how to rest in your femininity?
Would you say you have more masculine behaviours than feminine behaviours?

‘I think I'm attractive and I'm told I am. I'm capable, independent and outwardly confident. I think if someone got close enough to me they might see the cracks but no one ever has. I'm intelligent and educated. All the things I was told would put a man off me. I can't help that.’

There is nothing wrong with a female with the characteristics you have described for yourself above. You sound like a good catch! Nobody is perfect, but one should not fundamentally change themselves for anybody else.

I would like to think we all hope that as we get older, that we all should know who we are and what we really need and want out of life, but unfortunately this is not necessarily so.

Are you only attracted to men?
Have you ever wondered if a woman would be able to meet your needs?

@DarkenedDoor

My parents haven't had any direct influence on my life in over 10 years but, yes, you're right there was trauma but I've dealt with that.

There are undoubtedly aspects of life that would be different now had my relationships with them been different - I wasn't mentioned in either of their Wills for example. But no one else knows that.

I can't see how that right now anyone would see any of that written on me.

And even so, there are plenty of people with less than ideal childhoods who go on to have relationships and be loved.

From the way you have written original post, the pain of your earlier experiences comes through. So it would not be surprising if it is coming through in your dating interactions.

Are you able to reframe those experiences to focus on any positives? Such as learning good boundaries and keeping your children away from negative influences? I appreciate that can be difficult and is not meant to belittle your experiences in any way.

[quote OurMamInHavianas]Are you trying to meet all your “love needs” in one person?

Your 10-year relationship with your second child’s father sounded very loving - in support, encouragement, friendship - but not physically.

This article talks about how one person cannot meet all your needs and how there are different types of love. I’m sharing it in case it is useful.

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201907/one-person-cannot-meet-all-your-emotional-needs[/quote]
Thank you. I shall read that.

But no, I'm not trying to get love needs met by one person. That relationship was generally good and supportive but it was platonic - there was jonaffection, no sex, no tenderness etc. I have the love of my children, my friends, my animals, even people I work with. I have great relationships with these people (animals) and and feel the.love in and from them. But I've never had a romantic relationship, never had anyone fall in love with me. Never had anyone think I was amazing or love me for me or any of that.

That one relationship i had did sour towards the end because he, in particular, felt the frustration of the lack of love. He wanted to love and be loved and great friendship was no longer enough for him.

never had anyone fall in love with me
Have you ever fallen in love with anyone?