What is wrong with me??

[DarkenedDoor]

I'm mid 40s and can't get off the starting block relationship wise. If truth be told, I never really have. I have 2 children by 2 different fathers. The first one, well I wasn't aware of red flags. It hadn't occurred to me at that point that I could be single - I was very much brought up with find a man, any man. I left him when I was pregnant and he tried to push me down the stairs and then dislocated his shoulder because he tried to punch me in the face, I ducked and he hit the wall instead.

I was shunned by my family for the shame of provoking a man into behaving that way and becoming a single parent. I was completely single for 2 years before starting a relationship with a man I'd been close friends with at school. He wanted to rescue me I suppose and, if I'm honest, I had no support, no one, no hope for the future, and so I let him. We didn't love each other or fancy each other but we were very good friends and he was a great dad to my son and we supported and encouraged each other. We rarely socialised together, never had sex, no affection etc but day to day was OK - we got on well, made each other laugh, just really good friends I suppose. After 6 years, we both wanted a baby. I didn't want my son to be an only child and he loved being a dad. Sounds ridiculous now but a bottle of wine later and I conceived.

4 years later and he met someone and fell in love. We split up but he continued to be supportive of me and a great dad to both children.

That was 10 years ago and I've been single pretty much ever since. Other than a couple of short term boyfriends when I was a teenager, I had no relationship experience. Since then, I've met men, I've dated but haven't been able to get off the starting block with anyone.

I think I'm attractive and I'm told I am. I'm capable, independent and outwardly confident. I think if someone got close enough to me they might see the cracks but no one ever has. I'm intelligent and educated. All the things I was told would put a man off me. I can't help that.

I meet men. I have a paying hobby that brings me into contact with lots of people and I've made some great friends through it but no interest. I work in a predominantly female field so rarely meet single men and, when I have, there's been no interest on either side.

I've been on dates, I've had flings that have lasted a few months but nothing that has ever been a relationship.

I read threads on here and hear people in real life talk about love, commitment, plans for the future and I've never had any of it.

I've been told I just haven't met the right person yet. But never? Not anyone who wants to be with me?

I've had several hobbies over the years, I've got talking to men in pubs, I've been introduced to men through friends. I've even tried the horror that is online dating and nothing. I've been to gigs and festivals alone, I go to coffee shops on my own, i started dance classes and did British Military Fitness on my own and etcen through all of them but still nothing.. It's not that I don't get interest from men, I do, but not one of them has wanted a relationship with me.

What am I doing wrong? And, more importantly, what can I do to change things?

Are you able to reframe those experiences to focus on any positives? Such as learning good boundaries and keeping your children away from negative influences? I appreciate that can be difficult and is not meant to belittle your experiences in any way

It's not belittling at all!

And yes, i have done those things. My son says I'm the strongest person he knows.

One of my friends once said something like I'm like a marshmallow with a core of steel. I knew what he meant and he was right.

I'm kind, loving, warm and compassionate but I won't stand for any nonsense.

@OurMamInHavianas

never had anyone fall in love with me Have you ever fallen in love with anyone?

I don't know. I've certainly had strong feelings. There have been a couple of men over recent years where I thought I had fallen in love.

I tend to think a lot of the overelming feeling at the start of a relationship is lust and chemicals. But I've certainly felt that.

There have been a couple of men who I have loved, yes. But they didn't love me. So I walked away.

@DarkenedDoor

Are you able to reframe those experiences to focus on any positives? Such as learning good boundaries and keeping your children away from negative influences? I appreciate that can be difficult and is not meant to belittle your experiences in any way

It's not belittling at all!

And yes, i have done those things. My son says I'm the strongest person he knows.

One of my friends once said something like I'm like a marshmallow with a core of steel. I knew what he meant and he was right.

I'm kind, loving, warm and compassionate but I won't stand for any nonsense.

Are you talking about those experiences too early on in your relationships? Many people find negative things really off-putting, and need to have build up some positives with a person before they can deal with hearing about the rubbish parts of someone’s life.

Reading your original post, the negativity comes across first, rather than your many positives which don’t come out until later in your posts. I appreciate that is the nature about posting about a problem, though!

Well I outlined it in my original post because I was thinking it through chronologically and the rest of it wouldn't have made sense without it.

Bit, no, I don't talk about it. I have told about 3 friends. No one else knows. I don't tell boyfriends about it.

There might have been times in the past when I did because i was still living it every day but it's been a long time since then!

I don't knownif I believe I'm unlovable. I certainly not someonenmen fall.in love with because none ever has! 🤣

I didn't push them away, no. One told me that he cared about but didn't love me.

If someone formed a relationship with me, I probably would assume.they wanted to he there - assuming their words akd actions indicated that - but it's never really got to that stage. I said 'boyfriends' in my last post but they've never been a boyfriend. I've dated men but it's usually around that 3-6 month mark when you have the "OK, we've been seeing each other for a few months How's it going? Are there any legs to this? How do we both feel about it? conversation" that it emerges that they just don't see me as a 'girlfriend'. They like me, we have fun, we get on well etc but there aren't any feelings there.

The closest I got was a man who told me he thought I'd be very easy to love.

And tbh I do accept they want to be there. Its more about what they do/don't want it to be while they are there.

It just seems so easy for most people. I've read a few threads on here from women in similar positions but I've never met anyone in real life who's never had a proper relationship.

What are you like with other sorts of relationships? Do you have close friends?

I think if someone got close enough to me they might see the cracks but no one ever has.

Ah, but you know they are there, don't you? Or at least they are real in your subconscious. Have a read of this article and find that negative core belief that is holding you back.

I have undoubtedly dated a couple of emotionally unavailable men but the majority haven't been. They've had no problem forming relationships with women before me or since.

I see what you mean Sarahlou it's more that, if there are any cracks, they aren't on the surface. I don't talk about the past, I'm not 'needy' or 'clingy', I don't seek reassurance or validation.

I like to be open, honest and clear about where I and others stand.

I wouldn't say I'm attracted to any particular type so I don't know. They've all had relationships with other women though.

I do have close friends. One I speak to most days, a few I speak to every couple of weeks and others I see less often but have no doubts about the friendships.

I think there's just something about me that means men don't ever get feelings of 'love' for me!

I've been asked before if I flirt or whether I'm just too friendly. I'm not 'a flirt' but I am.flirty and I do flirt with men.

I used to find it difficult. I'd liked one man for about 3 years before we started dating and I couldn't even bring myself to look at him! I was probably quite rude in retrospect but I've worked on that and I think it's probably obvious if I'm attracted to someone or have feelings for them.

I didnthe quiz. It said I'm fearfulwhich is probably true but I would have given different answers years ago. I wouldn't say I'm fearful, I'd describe.myself as 'accepting' that the relationships won't develop.

Try

Did your previous therapy include looking at your childhood?