Should I forget this girl?

[Noah99]

Okay, so I'm gonna try and keep this short.

Ive never been really in love in my life. I'm 22 y/o. I met this girl and we clicked instantly, like a match made in heaven. We both had feelings for each other and spoke almost every day for around 5 months. We met each other a lot of times and hung out, went on dates and whatnot.

I've been diagnosed with moderate depression (whatever that means), and this girl knows that im not doing that well mentally, but im not such a big mess that I cant go to work and socialize with friends etc. But she knows that I kind of hate myself, that I think im pathethic and worthless and so on. She makes me happy, I wouldnt say that she completely cures my depression but she really helps.

Now to get to the point. She broke things off and told me to focus on myself and make myself a man that im proud off and that maybe someday if we are meant to be we will get back together or whatever.

This was a while ago, I am doing much better now and im in school studying to become a nurse. I still have feelings for her and that thought of us being together makes me happy. I really feel like this is my soulmate and that we two are meant to be together.

Now, I kind of ended things on a bad note since I was in love with her and thought that who gives a shit if im depressed, I still have feelings for you and you have feelings for me lets just do this. In my mind it made no sense that we shouldnt be togetehr just cause im depressd.

Bold: Should I try and contact her and see if we can maybe start talking a bit again or should I move on with my life?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Op may I congratulate you on your English, it's very good and I would never have guessed that you weren't a native speaker!

It sounds like you are doing well working on your mental health. You mentioned that you have bipolar. It may be worth discussing with your psychiatrist your feelings about your relationship with this girl and how you feel your happiness, to some extent, revolved around her.

You mentioned a fucked up childhood. I am also a member of that unhappy club! I recognise those feelings of my happiness being completely controlled by one other person and my interactions with them. I would recommend that you look into co-dependency. It took me decades of unhappiness and unhealthy relationships before I got the memo! So if you can start to get a good handle on this at the age of 22, you will be doing well!

Wish you the best of luck Noah 🍀

Thank you, your kind words mean more than you think.

@jesskir89 @layladomino @notmoresugar

Thank you all for the kind words, I will take everything in mind and not contact her. I think my depression has made it seem like she is the center of my happiness and I understand that it must be a huge burden to be that person for her aswell. I hope that I can move on from her and one day find someone else. But for now I need to focus on my mental health. When do I know if im ready for a relationship?

OP, I've been where you are. After a messed up childhood, I was diagnosed with depression after I finally made my way to a therapist. Then I also met someone who felt like a "soulmate", "as if I had always known him" etc. He also tried to let me down gently, saying that he needs to think about us etc. I was hooked on him for years, wondering what if, getting back in contact every once in a while, only to feel let down when he did not show any interest.

It took me years to realize that my preoccupation with the guy was my way of keeping myself safe from relationships. As long as I was preoccupied with the unavailable guy, I would not have the capacity to have a real relationship with anyone else and risk getting hurt like I was as a child. It's taken me years of therapy, introspection and finding peace with my past to be in a position to actually enter a healthy relationship with others and myself.

With that said, I'd recommend that you disconnect from the girl, wish her well and concentrate on you and your journey to find peace within yourself. That is the most important relationship you will have in your life and that is worth fighting for. All other relationships will grow from there, in time.

@Rheia1983

OP, I've been where you are. After a messed up childhood, I was diagnosed with depression after I finally made my way to a therapist. Then I also met someone who felt like a "soulmate", "as if I had always known him" etc. He also tried to let me down gently, saying that he needs to think about us etc. I was hooked on him for years, wondering what if, getting back in contact every once in a while, only to feel let down when he did not show any interest.

It took me years to realize that my preoccupation with the guy was my way of keeping myself safe from relationships. As long as I was preoccupied with the unavailable guy, I would not have the capacity to have a real relationship with anyone else and risk getting hurt like I was as a child. It's taken me years of therapy, introspection and finding peace with my past to be in a position to actually enter a healthy relationship with others and myself.

With that said, I'd recommend that you disconnect from the girl, wish her well and concentrate on you and your journey to find peace within yourself. That is the most important relationship you will have in your life and that is worth fighting for. All other relationships will grow from there, in time.

Damn, thats exactly how I feel aswell. She feels like my soulmate and the one I was meant to be with. Im gonna try my best to disconnect from her, just sucks that I can't stop thinking about her. I do feel appriciative of her alot as she helped me push myself to really seek help and figure my life out. The worst thing is also that I told her that before we start taking this relationship serious she should know that I am depressed but she told me that it doesnt really matter to her. And she also gave me hope of humanity as she was so damn kind to me and she really was there for me.

We didnt really disconnect from each other when we broke up, we spoke a few times a week as she checked up on me here and there to make sure I was good and not doing to bad which I really liked and it made me feel better but worse at the same time so I told her that and she said that we should stop talking which I wanted but didnt at the same time. Im afraid ill never get over her. Hopefully there is a girl out there that posess the same beautiful qualities that she had, I really never thought there would be a girl out there like her. So damn kind and loving.

..." When do I know if im ready for a relationship? "

I'm sure other posters will come along and give you some very good advice, but in my experience the following definitely helps:

When you learn to love and accept yourself for who you are (warts and all).
Not to be too hard on yourself.
You are at ease in your own skin.
You learn to have faith and in yourself.
You have courage in your own convictions.
You matter as much (more) than the next person.

@notmoresugar

Thank you for the advice, those are some points I really need to work on.

If you believe that its selfish or unproductive to focus on your own well being - that's a negative and untrue belief. If someone taught it to you, they lied.
The list that Notmoresugar gave is useful. Focus on specific things to improve on.

@Noah99 you've had some nasty, no need comments here.

I am also from the "fucked up childhood" club that batters you as a human being so hard.

I am also in my 20s and on antidepressants and I don't have all the answers to life yet, I don't think any of us ever will.

Please let this girl go, for you and for her, focus on yourself, school, managing your bipolar with help from your dr/specialists.

You sound like you have a lot of love to give and you're in school studying how to be a nurse, that is something major to be proud of.

Sending you all the best wishes for your future, never give up x

You'll know when you're ready op. Best of luck

@sweptaway14

Hey, and thank your for commenting. I will not contact her and I will do my best to get better. I do have a lot of love to give as I love making people happy and really enjoy helping people that need it, unfortunetaly I don't feel like I deserve to be helped and sometimes I feel like I am supposed to be depressed. I hate feeling like this. And yes there are some mean comments that get to me and make me feel worse, I try to ignore them. x

People are being very mean here. I can see you mean well. I agree with the poster that said it would be a lot of pressure on you to pretend to be ok if you were feeling down were you to get back from her. Maybe give it some time and keep healing. You are going in the right direction. Maybe she'll get touch in the future, but you will eventually move on whatever. X

@Noah99 definitely ignore them! People will always judge.

You were never meant to be depressed nor do you deserve it! It is one of those shit things that some of us have to navigate a life with, which is difficult.

I wish you all the best and just reach out if you need to chat 😊 x

@sweptaway14

I try to think like that but it seems like the dark thoughts always win. But thank you for your supportive and kind comments. :)

Why is everyone referring to her as a "girl"? Is she still in high school? If so OP, definitely don't contact her - it's illegal. If not- hey everyone. She's a woman not a girl.

@layladomino

Some people are being unfairly and unnecessarily cruel to you for some reason.

You have said once or twice that she made you so happy. Whilst this is a normal statement to make in a balanced, healthy, mutually supportive relationship, it can be very hard when one of the people is suffering with their mental health. It can make the other person feel as though they are responsible for the good or bad mental health of their bf / gf. That is a lot of pressure on them. It's often coupled with the pressue of constantly being supportive and being the strong one. Always reassuring the other person. Always have to think of their feelings first. It's exhausting to be the other person in that scenario. That can be hard enough in a mature, long standing relationship, but for someone in their early twenties it's too big an ask.

So your ex was exactly right to say you should concentrate on you. And good on you for doing that. Please keep doing it.

She said that maybe one day you might find each other again. It's possible she meant that. It's possible she was being kind. It's possible she meant it at the time but has since moved on. I can't see any problem in contacting her - once you're in a much better place yourself and at the top of your game - and asking. But be prepared that she may have moved on in the meantime.

Whatever happens, she isn't the only woman out there. There will be other opportunities for relationships. But you stand the best chance of a good, happy relationship if you are the best possible version of yourself.

And always remember that it isn't someone else's job to make you happy.

100%

@Grimsknee

Why is everyone referring to her as a "girl"? Is she still in high school? If so OP, definitely don't contact her - it's illegal. If not- hey everyone. She's a woman not a girl.

Unnecessary and a dumb comment, shes a woman and shes the same age as me. Most people commenting here are probably older and still see a woman at the age of 22 as a girl.

@whatflavourjellybabyisnice

Yep, definetly understand now how hard and to be honest unfair it would be of me to even want to be in a relationship with her. I never wanted her affirmations or for her to even try to make me happy, she did that naturelly. But yes if I knew what I did now I wouldnt even have tried getting into a relationship, and now that I do know these things im not gonna try or seek out any type of relationship until I have fixed my own personal problem.

"Unnecessary and a dumb comment, shes a woman and shes the same age as me. Most people commenting here are probably older and still see a woman at the age of 22 as a girl."

Does anyone, no matter how old they are, ever refer to a 22 year old man as a boy? No, of course they don't. As an older woman I well remember how demeaning it was to be an adult in my 20s and referred to as a "girl", so my comment was neither unnecessary nor dumb.