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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s not ready for a relationship…..

40 replies

Talkingnow123 · 31/07/2021 23:23

So what to do next….
There’s a guy I was involved with years ago - we’ve recently been in touch again. He says he still has feelings for me but isn’t ready for a relationship. We’ve met up a couple of times, nothing happened. I’d like to give things a go but have no idea if things would work. . He’s said some confusing and slightly disturbing things - ie comparing me to a drug and that he’s in recovery.
I’m wondering what to do next… Maybe I should cut him off altogether?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/07/2021 23:28

Walk away. He’s got issues and you won’t meet someone great while you’re wasting time on this one.

Not being ready for a relationship isn’t a real thing. He’s messing you around, doing a weird power play push pull thing, he sounds quite immature.

Is he after a FWB thing and hope you settle for that?

Do yourself a favour and move on. He’s not worth it.

Original poster
Talkingnow123 · 31/07/2021 23:30

@AnneLovesGilbert thanks for your reply. I actually don’t think he is after FWB but he seems quite comfused.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 31/07/2021 23:31

He's told you he isn't ready. This means if you pursue this he has every chance of being a dick, with the excuse that he 'warned' you he wasn't ready. Walk away. I'd go find yourself a nice guy without shit.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/07/2021 23:32

I think you've posted before about this guy and people almost all said the same thing I think? That you want different things, him doing the whole 'you're like a drug to me... but I don't want a relationship is manipulative and cringe, and that this isn't a good or healthy dynamic for you...

Umberellatheweatha · 31/07/2021 23:37

Run for the hills.
I'm not ready for a relationship is THE token line for 'I will never have a relationship with YOU. Ever. But I'm phrasing it in

Add in the other bullshitabou you being like a drug (*rolls etes) ... why on earth are you even considering staying in contact with him?! He's a player from playersville with a capital P.

He said some 'disturbing' things? Disturbing? Run like the wind. Listen to your damn instincts! If something is disturbing then get the hell away from it asap.

Umberellatheweatha · 31/07/2021 23:37

*rolls eyes

CoopsMalloops · 31/07/2021 23:40

Run away.

Enough4me · 31/07/2021 23:40

He's clearly settling you up for FWB. He will encourage sex and then, anytime you ask for a relationship, he will say "I told you I am not ready yet".

FlowerArranger · 31/07/2021 23:42

Maybe I should cut him off altogether?

maybe????

Sigh - come on, use your commonsense!

Original poster
Talkingnow123 · 01/08/2021 00:01

Thx for the replies so far - you speak a lot of sense. If only I could be stronger. I love to meet a nice guy now but with as little stress as possible

OP posts:
OliviaNewtAndJohn · 01/08/2021 00:04

@Umberellatheweatha

Run for the hills. I'm not ready for a relationship is THE token line for 'I will never have a relationship with YOU. Ever. But I'm phrasing it in

Add in the other bullshitabou you being like a drug (*rolls etes) ... why on earth are you even considering staying in contact with him?! He's a player from playersville with a capital P.

He said some 'disturbing' things? Disturbing? Run like the wind. Listen to your damn instincts! If something is disturbing then get the hell away from it asap.

Yup, it’s the ‘with YOU’ that you need to add on to what he said. Don’t overthink this. He’s said this, and you need to take that on the chin. Easier said than done but be strong on this. Don’t settle, and don’t bother interrogating the why’s. Trust me Flowers
Enough4me · 01/08/2021 00:06

So dump this loser, set better boundaries

  1. Emotionally stable and available for meaningful relationship, 2) your type personality and looks 3) genuine and sincere 4) mature and independent
...and look again.
Original poster
Talkingnow123 · 01/08/2021 00:09

@Enough4me 🙏 Believe it or not, this is actually how I approach dating normally. I don’t know why I let this fall apart for this guy..

OP posts:
Hoolihan · 01/08/2021 00:12

(with you)

Original poster
Talkingnow123 · 01/08/2021 09:09

Thanks for the comments. I’m not sure it is actually just “with me” as he says he left his last relationship due his issues. However I know that doesn’t make him an any better prospect! It just hard trying to “delete” him from my head.

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 01/08/2021 09:14

If he wanted to be with you he’d be with you. He doesn’t. He’s enjoying the attention but he’s really not interested in a relationship with you. He couldn’t be clearer. Forget about him and move on.

category12 · 01/08/2021 09:15

Stop contact with him and get on with your life.

TheFoundations · 01/08/2021 09:19

@Talkingnow123

Thx for the replies so far - you speak a lot of sense. If only I could be stronger. I love to meet a nice guy now but with as little stress as possible
If you don't want stress, don't choose stress. This guy already has you posting on a forum because you're confused.

What do you mean by 'If only I could be stronger'? That's not a gift from the universe that's been denied to you. You're not a victim of some strength sapping entity. You're an adult; you are in charge. You are responsible.

Take responsibility and say no. Strength is that simple.

Original poster
Talkingnow123 · 01/08/2021 10:11

Thanks and I’m going to try to cut/ reduce contact. Might need more encouragement from you helpful ladies though!

OP posts:
category12 · 01/08/2021 10:17

Don't reduce, don't try. Just do it.

DennisTMenace · 01/08/2021 13:55

He just wants sex.

Umberellatheweatha · 01/08/2021 14:11

Just say 'This doesn't work for me. I know what im all about and what I am looking for - and that's why I date. But it doesn't seem like you're in that same place. That's too complicated for me, so, all the best, but I'm out'.

Seriously op, love is not complicated, not at all. You like someone and they like you about you both want to commit and spend time together. It's as easy as breathing. Anything else is just anasshole wasting your time.

Original poster
Talkingnow123 · 01/08/2021 17:53

@Umberellatheweatha thank you - great advice 😊

OP posts:
ImitationofBeing · 01/08/2021 18:43

He means he's not wanting a relationship with you (but words it like "not ready", then he can keep you dangling in case he doesn't find what he really wants).

Don't waste anymore time on him.

Loveabitofrain · 01/08/2021 18:57

I’m really not sure why you didn’t take the advice from your first thread, did you maybe think a second would invoke a different response? You cannot make anyone want a relationship that doesn’t want one! These are all classic lines but for some reason you’re ignoring all of the red flags.