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Original poster

Husband and gambling.

28 replies

kyti · 31/07/2021 21:52

Im so tired, I don't want to make this long.

A few years before I met him, he was at the lowest of the low when gambling. When he was single. Every penny of his wage went in the bookies. He got help and recovered.

He's always had football bets. Never stopped those and they were never an issue £5 on a weekend.

Now it's turned into £20 a day on roulette.

Here's my issue.

We are fine for money. Bills get paid, food on the table etc.

But I've had enough. £20 plus the lottery he puts on equals to £8000 a year! Just wasted.

He has the odd win but never anything that would amount to £8000.

Every day he tells me he will stop yet he can't. That night he will still come straight in from work and the first thing he will do is have £20. Even though he promised that morning he wouldn't. That's an issue right? Doesn't matter that we have money and thousands saved (which is in my name)

We've been arguing lately and I told him I had well
and truly had enough. The next morning he told me he had deleted the app and that was that.

That was 4 days ago. Tonight he's re installed it and had £10 instead of £20. He managed 4 days off it however he did have a nasty accident at work yesterday and spent all night in hospital. I didn't have the energy to say anything or tell him not too.

What would you do in this situation?

I'm not daft with money. There is money there for me to treat myself every now and then.

I also don't work so I don't feel like I can say anything as I'm a carer for my son so only bring in a very minimal wage.

But £8000 a year to just throw away......just no.

I'm petrified he will relapse properly.

I've asked him to go to counselling but he won't as he isn't rock bottom according to himself. I'm well aware that you can't force anyone to get help for addiction and they have to do it themselves.

Advice please x

OP posts:
Original poster
kyti · 31/07/2021 21:54

Just to add, I know the £20 a day will be back within no time. I have told him that if it does, he will have to choose between gambling and his family and I will leave.

OP posts:
Horehound · 31/07/2021 21:59

So he is a gambling addict, still addicted and still gambling.

Does he actually want to stop? If so, he can self restrict on the websites for 6 years so when he logs in it just comes up with a screen saying sorry you cant log in.

Also installing gamban/gamstop will help.

But since this has gone on so long I think you should leave

Where is he getting the £20 a day from? What was his reaction when you told him it equates to £8k a year?

nimbuscloud · 31/07/2021 21:59

He needs to acknowledge it’s an addiction. Has he ?

Original poster
kyti · 31/07/2021 22:01

@nimbuscloud

He needs to acknowledge it’s an addiction. Has he ?
No. Because he's been a rock bottom 10 years ago when he was spending every penny and he's not there now. We can still live comfortably
OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2021 22:03

You can only help your own self ultimately and you indeed know the only one who can help him is his own self.

Make plans to leave him now, show him you are serious about this. You will only continue to be dragged down with him otherwise. You cannot be his rescuer or saviour here, trying to be either does not work.

Get support for your own self in real life. How helpful are your own parents here?.

Horehound · 31/07/2021 22:04

But he cant stop. So regardless of what he is spending, he is still addicted to it

Original poster
kyti · 31/07/2021 22:04

@Horehound

So he is a gambling addict, still addicted and still gambling.

Does he actually want to stop? If so, he can self restrict on the websites for 6 years so when he logs in it just comes up with a screen saying sorry you cant log in.

Also installing gamban/gamstop will help.

But since this has gone on so long I think you should leave

Where is he getting the £20 a day from? What was his reaction when you told him it equates to £8k a year?

From his wage. We can still live comfortably after £20 a day.

We've been down the restricting yourself but he doesn't feel he needs too. As he doesn't have a problem Hmm

He actually worked out the 8K a year one day when he said he was going to stop. I started to put the £20 away in the savings every day as we wouldn't miss it. It lasted 3 days and then he was back gambling again.

OP posts:
Original poster
kyti · 31/07/2021 22:05

@Horehound

But he cant stop. So regardless of what he is spending, he is still addicted to it
Exactly but he doesn't see the harm as we still don't struggle for money. I hate it.
OP posts:
Horehound · 31/07/2021 22:07

So do you not question him and say "you said you dont have a problem but you couldnt manage 1 week without gambling"

I don't think it matters that you can afford it right now. What if your circumstances change? And how do you know it's not more than £20 a day? Have you seen his bank transactions? I feel like you might be in for a shock

Original poster
kyti · 31/07/2021 22:07

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You can only help your own self ultimately and you indeed know the only one who can help him is his own self.

Make plans to leave him now, show him you are serious about this. You will only continue to be dragged down with him otherwise. You cannot be his rescuer or saviour here, trying to be either does not work.

Get support for your own self in real life. How helpful are your own parents here?.

My mum is fab. I know I can go stay with her when I leave and she will have me and the kids until we are sorted.

She thinks a lot of DH. She really likes him a lot in fact. He's been through more than most in his childhood and early adult life through no fault of his own which has led him to gambling. I've suggested counselling but again, he won't go.

OP posts:
Original poster
kyti · 31/07/2021 22:09

@Horehound

So do you not question him and say "you said you dont have a problem but you couldnt manage 1 week without gambling"

I don't think it matters that you can afford it right now. What if your circumstances change? And how do you know it's not more than £20 a day? Have you seen his bank transactions? I feel like you might be in for a shock

No we have a joint bank account and he has no credit cards. What he spends is what I know about. He always tells me when he's about to spend £20. He's incredibly honest. He just really doesn't see a problem.

I question it all the time but he plays it down.

Now I just feel he's taking me for an absolute mug. Telling me every morning he will stop and then he comes home from work and has to have £20 before anything else.

OP posts:
Horehound · 31/07/2021 22:09

I've been there, as the gambler. He needs to want to change and its clear he doesnt. I honestly think theres no hope here unfortunately. It is sooo easy to become addicted to it :(

Horehound · 31/07/2021 22:11

Now I just feel he's taking me for an absolute mug. Telling me every morning he will stop and then he comes home from work and has to have £20 before anything else.

Yep :(

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2021 22:11

Seek legal advice re separation and divorce. I never mention that lightly but he will drag you all down with him if you were to stay with him. He is addicted and is in denial, denial here is a powerful force.

Unless your man wants to address the root causes of his addiction to gambling there is nothing you can do to help him. You can only help your own self. You also have children here to consider, they do not need this chaos in their lives with you as their mum trying and failing to firefight this.

Original poster
kyti · 31/07/2021 22:12

@Horehound

I've been there, as the gambler. He needs to want to change and its clear he doesnt. I honestly think theres no hope here unfortunately. It is sooo easy to become addicted to it :(
I know. And it makes me feel so shit as I know the minute I leave, he will be completely lost and will hit rock bottom with it.

I already have my plan on what I'm going to do. Set up a new bank account asap and leave him with the joint one. Get my name off it.

It's so awful. He needs help desperately but I can't do it anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
kyti · 31/07/2021 22:14

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Seek legal advice re separation and divorce. I never mention that lightly but he will drag you all down with him if you were to stay with him. He is addicted and is in denial, denial here is a powerful force.

Unless your man wants to address the root causes of his addiction to gambling there is nothing you can do to help him. You can only help your own self. You also have children here to consider, they do not need this chaos in their lives with you as their mum trying and failing to firefight this.

Thank you. Exactly why I'm leaving - for my children. Enough is enough
OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2021 22:14

Well don’t. It is okay to walk away from him. This is also no,life for your kids either, they see you constantly preoccupied and otherwise distracted because of your man’s gambling addiction.

You need to get off the merry go round.

Original poster
kyti · 31/07/2021 22:15

@Horehound

I've been there, as the gambler. He needs to want to change and its clear he doesnt. I honestly think theres no hope here unfortunately. It is sooo easy to become addicted to it :(
How did you recover if you don't mind me asking?
OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2021 22:16

He may well also go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still have the compulsion to gamble afterwards. Only he can decide to stop and he is nowhere near wanting to start any recovery.

EezyOozy · 31/07/2021 22:17

I'd run away. I was engaged to a gambling addict and once I realised that it was never going to go away, I broke it off. I'm so relieved I didn't carry on.

MissyBB · 31/07/2021 22:35

I've been in your situation and would look into the credit cards and please don't be fooled, find the access to the accs discreetly.
Until they admit there's a problem, they will hide it which could ruin your financial life even more.
They have to hit rock bottom and that's realisation.
Addicts can be in involved in numerous addictions and at any time or combination.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/07/2021 22:46

If he can spare that money, he could save the equivalent in an account for your child for just five years and give your child a decent deposit to help them get on the property ladder when they are adults.

He's an addict who is refusing to seek proper help to change. I don't believe that any relationship can be healthy in those circumstances.

And my resentment towards him not seeking help would be toxic, so I could not stay.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/07/2021 22:48

I'm no expert but I believe even if savings are in your name, they would be marital assets in the event of a divorce? So your savings are in effect his I think which makes this all the more unfair. I'm so sorry OP, it's all so unfair on you.

Horehound · 01/08/2021 08:46

I self restricted on absolutely everything but even then new sites pop up that you need to join and restrict yourself from. I had a few failings and honestly it's just been sheer determination.
I did it for about 6 months after starting matched betting and then I was on maternity leave so had lots of time whilst baby napped.

But the software apps stopping you accessing gambling sites are so good. I am aware though if I ever managed to get into a site again I'd go and gamble. So it's not a cure I just stay away from it completely. I was also completely upfront to my husband about what happened and that I'd lost a lot of money and he was soo good with me. I would not want to jeapordise our relationship for gambling.

So I know that you're husband hasn't to want to stop and that he doesn't, there is no hope.

I think you're making the right decision here. There is another thread in relationships ok gambling and I thought there was some hope for the OP but in your case, I think he just isn't ready to admit he has a problem.
If you are setting up a new account id stake 50% of whatever is in your joint account.
And I'd be inclined to close it completely and have him set up new accounts so that you are definitely financially unlinked from him. Because i believe your credit rating could possibly still be affected by what the state of his is like if you are linked in any way.

Original poster
kyti · 01/08/2021 21:23

@Horehound

I self restricted on absolutely everything but even then new sites pop up that you need to join and restrict yourself from. I had a few failings and honestly it's just been sheer determination. I did it for about 6 months after starting matched betting and then I was on maternity leave so had lots of time whilst baby napped.

But the software apps stopping you accessing gambling sites are so good. I am aware though if I ever managed to get into a site again I'd go and gamble. So it's not a cure I just stay away from it completely. I was also completely upfront to my husband about what happened and that I'd lost a lot of money and he was soo good with me. I would not want to jeapordise our relationship for gambling.

So I know that you're husband hasn't to want to stop and that he doesn't, there is no hope.

I think you're making the right decision here. There is another thread in relationships ok gambling and I thought there was some hope for the OP but in your case, I think he just isn't ready to admit he has a problem.
If you are setting up a new account id stake 50% of whatever is in your joint account.
And I'd be inclined to close it completely and have him set up new accounts so that you are definitely financially unlinked from him. Because i believe your credit rating could possibly still be affected by what the state of his is like if you are linked in any way.

Thank you so much for sharing. Much appreciated. I wish you every happiness in the world. You've done amazingly well - keep going! X
OP posts:
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