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Original poster

Contacting the OW - WWYD?

29 replies

ohtobeanonymous · 31/07/2021 19:28

I am in the process of divorcing as I am leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. STBExH has been cheating with another woman for the past few months. He lies that he is 'with' her and denies she exists to her children, although my eldest confronted him the other night and after a few hours' conversation, got an admission he is 'seeing someone' but doesn't want to tell his children about her 'to protect her'

I feel like contacting the OW with some information on narcissism and some extracts from 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. Regardless of my feelings about her dating a still-married man (who has been protesting the separation saying he's distraught about it), she is still a victim.

What advice can you give me?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 31/07/2021 19:29

I wouldn't bother.

alwayswrighty · 31/07/2021 19:29

I wouldn't. She won't believe you.

Dozer · 31/07/2021 19:29

Wouldn’t do that. Not your problem. Would focus on yourself and your DC, practicalities etc.

Soontobe60 · 31/07/2021 19:33

You e said you’re divorcing but also that you’re in the process of leaving him. Which one is it?
If you’ve left him, and are getting divorced, then the ‘ow’ isn’t actually the “OW’ in the usual sense of the word.

Sunshinedaisymeadowsxx · 31/07/2021 19:37

He’s not cheating though unless they got together pre separation? I wouldn’t bother…. What’s the point?

Wjevtvha · 31/07/2021 19:37

I would take into consideration that he’s probably painted you as the crazy ex who will make things up about him so she probably won’t take on board what you say but maybe when the behaviours start up she might recognise it earlier and get out sooner…
I told a new girlfriend about my abusive ex and she said he’d warned her that I was a liar but they split after less than a year and I’ve always half hoped that when the behaviours crept in she remembered what I said and it helped her get out before it got too bad

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/07/2021 19:39

She’ll just think you’re crazy/ let her find out for herself what a gem she’s landed

TwinsandTrifle · 31/07/2021 19:45

Don't get involved at all. It will most likely go pear shaped anyway. You've seen what he's capable of now. He's already lying to various people including his children. Hardly the start of a solid foundation for this new relationship.

Of course you're the crazy ex. Don't do anything he can twist to support these claims.

girlmom21 · 31/07/2021 19:46

She's not the other woman if you're mid-divorce. If he's abusive, why would you want to stir up unnecessary trouble?

At the end of the day, he's still the father to your children and he's no longer able to abuse you. Get yourself some counselling and don't get involved in his life.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 31/07/2021 19:50

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Absolute nightmare.

Don't contact OW, you'll just be made out to be the psycho ex. Spend your precious energy on you and your kids and moving on.

user1471457751 · 31/07/2021 20:01

She's not the OW if you had already split from your husband before they got together.

toocold54 · 31/07/2021 21:12

No don’t do this.
She either won’t believe you or you’ll actually push her more towards him so she may stay with him even after red flags to prove you wrong type thing.

Just move on. Don’t ever give him any reason to think that he’s gotten to you or you’re hurting in any way.

Angelofchaos · 31/07/2021 21:24

@ohtobeanonymous

I am in the process of divorcing as I am leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. STBExH has been cheating with another woman for the past few months. He lies that he is 'with' her and denies she exists to her children, although my eldest confronted him the other night and after a few hours' conversation, got an admission he is 'seeing someone' but doesn't want to tell his children about her 'to protect her'

I feel like contacting the OW with some information on narcissism and some extracts from 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. Regardless of my feelings about her dating a still-married man (who has been protesting the separation saying he's distraught about it), she is still a victim.

What advice can you give me?

I am confused, he denies she exists to her children, who did he admit her existence to.

If you are in the process of divorcing him, you have left him. Even if you are in the same house.

If she starting seeing him, once you had ended the romantic side of the relationship she isn't really the OW. In which case leave her alone. Certainly don't start sending links to things about NPD. Or information on abusers. She will think you are insane.

If she was the OW, as in she started seeing him before you decided to split, she is just going to laugh at you along with him and call you crazy.

You need to think about, honestly, what you want to achieve from this?

SStopRaisingHim · 31/07/2021 21:29

She’s not the OW & it is not your business anymore. Imagine if he contacted someone you started dating.

Stigofthedump40 · 31/07/2021 21:36

No dont.. she will think you are jealous and trying to break them up

Almondcroissant25 · 31/07/2021 21:45

Ummm… you’ll make yourself look crazy and they will laugh about it. Leave them to it. You’ll regret messaging her I can promise you that.

tropicalwaterdiver · 31/07/2021 21:47

Don't contact her. Focus on your life and your kids.
If you hope that she would dump him after your narcissism revalation, I can assure you it's not going to happen.
It will sound very superficial as you lived with him for many years and he was "good enough".

THisbackwithavengeance · 31/07/2021 21:47

Why is it important that your DCs know "the truth" and for him to be grilled like the Spanish Inquisition?

Of course he's going to deny it.

I know it's tough OP but him being undermined in his kids' eyes will help nobody other than perhaps making you feel a bit better in the short term.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/07/2021 21:48

She’ll think you’re nuts. And I agree she’s not the OW if you’re getting divorced. You’re leaving him, what do you care who he’s shagging?

Maze76 · 01/08/2021 01:14

Nah, leave them to it. She will find out in time what’s he’s like. I guarantee she didn’t care about your feelings when she was sleeping with your husband. She certainly doesn’t deserve any of your consideration.

Original poster
ohtobeanonymous · 01/08/2021 01:21

She’s the OW as he had insisted on marriage counselling and was telling me how much he wanted our marriage to work at the same time as starting to date her. I’d suggested we try a separation to work through our difficulties if possible and he did not want this.
He has entirely blamed me and it’s like Dr Jekyll and mr Hyde the difference in attitude. From ‘I can’t bear the thought if you with anyone else’ and ‘I love you’ to ‘the less we have to do with each other the better. You have no right to interrogate me (!!) about my life’ within weeks (and concurrently with the counselling he initiated and organised).
I care because he has betrayed me (yet again) and although logically it just confirms his NPD, it is yet another twist of the knife.

I am angry at his failures as a husband and father and the disgraceful role model he is to his kids. Legally he is committing adultery.
I guess it’s a very obvious sign of the disdain and contempt he has for his family and it is painful on top of everything else. I have been considering leaving for a long time but never quite managed to. It’s not straightforward when you still care about someone but no longer recognise them.
With everything going on, I am surprised how much it shocks me he would behave in this manner.

OP posts:
HadEnoughofOtherThreads · 01/08/2021 01:35

You should be relieved that you’re finally on the way to being well rid of him.

You should not involve your children in this mess by either of you discussing with them. It’s not appropriate.

Re. OW: If she was aware of your existence when they started seeing each other - more reason not to warn her. Karma will sure enough catch up with her one day.

Concentrate on yourself and your children and put your energy into planning your life post divorce without this toxicity.

HadEnoughofOtherThreads · 01/08/2021 01:38

And you really shouldn’t be shocked by his behaviour if you believe that he is a narcissist.
Most people don’t play nice during a divorce.

MorriseysGladioli · 01/08/2021 01:42

You'd just be continuing on the merrygoround if you contacted her, and you are separating to get away from all that.
You'll just hurt yourself more.

Maze76 · 01/08/2021 13:16

This is classic cheating mentality- blame the spouse, come up with the most ridiculous ‘reasons’ you’re to blame for their affair. Sadly a nd somewhat unbelievably, the man you were married to has gone. I was where you are last year & it has taken a lot of heartache and soul searching to get to where I am now. My self esteem was on the floor and it felt like everyday I was in tears.
Trust me when I say that in time you will get through this emotional minefield, and any romantic love you have for him, will disappear.
Just take one day at a time, do not question him, don’t alter your behaviour in a attempt to ‘ win him back’. Leave him well alone.
Make a list of what you need to do going forward, and try to tick something off that list once a day or week.
Soon you will regain your strength and self confidence and you will find the determination to move forward to create the life you deserve.

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