Contacting the OW - WWYD?

[ohtobeanonymous]

I am in the process of divorcing as I am leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. STBExH has been cheating with another woman for the past few months. He lies that he is 'with' her and denies she exists to her children, although my eldest confronted him the other night and after a few hours' conversation, got an admission he is 'seeing someone' but doesn't want to tell his children about her 'to protect her'

I feel like contacting the OW with some information on narcissism and some extracts from 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. Regardless of my feelings about her dating a still-married man (who has been protesting the separation saying he's distraught about it), she is still a victim.

What advice can you give me?

You'll just get cast as a "bunny-boiler" and jealous ex.

I've been here. Don't do it.

Think about it. You spend an amount of time carefully composing a message, already your investment and anxiety shoots through the roof. Then you're watching your phone, jumpy and on edge waiting for a reply.

And trust me. How you imagine or would like her to respond is never how they do. You'd be signing yourself up for a whole load of stress anxiety and upset when she inevitably turns horrible or dismisses you. He will just twist it and tell lies about you, say you're crazy. Say that it proves you're upset it's over and still care. It will play into his hands. Focus on your own self care. She'll find out for herself, but nothing you say will change that course.

So long story short look after yourself and don't feed into that assholes ego

Thanks for all your replies and particularly Maze76 and safefacespace who have lived through similar.

I'm reading a lot about recovering from narcissistic abuse and trying to be kinder on myself. The 'grey rock' technique is the hardest for me at the moment, particularly as there is separation mediation occurring to try to work out fair division of our finances/assets etc...

Urgh