Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Live at home, have had a promotion, money issues

45 replies

wayz · 31/07/2021 18:22

I'm living at home at the moment, I'm in my early 20s. I recently had a promotion at work with a decent pay rise. I'm currently looking at flats to move out over the next couple of months.

We are not a well-off family. I pay keep to my parents. Ever since my promotion (it's been a few weeks) I feel like my parents are talking about money more to me. I feel a lot of guilt about earning money, I now earn a similar amount to my Dad and my Mum is unemployed because of health reasons. My sister who lives at home is a student so doesn't contribute to the household financially.

I'm not sure if they are genuinely speaking about it more or whether I am feeling guilty and am imagining it. I really need honest advice on the situation. Should I pay more keep and lend my parents money I know they will never be able to pay back?

I ask because when I first started earning money I leant my family money quite a lot as I have a lot guilt about earning money and being able to build savings when my parents have no savings at all. I leant around £3000 in total over the span of a couple of years starting when I was 18 which was never paid back.

Ever since the promotion I have noticed my parents don't seem happy for me and they bring up money a lot more often. For example, if I ask what their plans are for the weekend it's "nothing, we have no money" when they have do have money to do things. My parents gave me a lift twice this week as my car is in for repairs, no more than 10 miles of driving in total, I offered to pay petrol money and they decline. But then a few days later my parents started saying how the car tank is empty and I need to take it and pay to fill it up. A big unexpected household repair is needed (£1500) and so I told them I'll pay it as there is no other option.

I know the answer is to move out. I'm trying. But in the meantime, what is the reasonable course of action? As you can imagine this is a very difficult topic for me, it's something I feel a lot of guilt and confusion over.

OP posts:
LawnFever · 31/07/2021 18:26

If you’re saving to move out do they know that’s your plan? I think you should have an honest conversation & realistically you shouldn’t be expected to support them financially.

Are you paying them a decent amount in rent in the meantime? Do you buy your own food, do your own washing etc?

Original poster
wayz · 31/07/2021 18:26

Also, I think even after I move out this will continue to be something that will affect me. I can imagine having to give my parents money in the future.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 31/07/2021 18:28

I think just crack on with moving out more than anything else. Don't accept lifts. Take a taxi if you have to. They've had enough money out of you. Ignore any talk of money.

WatieKatie · 31/07/2021 18:35

Your parents aren’t your financial responsibility OP. If you can afford to help them out do so however your priority needs to be saving for a deposit to either rent or preferably buy somewhere of your own.

Congratulations on your promotion.

AhNowTed · 31/07/2021 18:38

How much keep are you giving them OP?

omgthepain · 31/07/2021 18:44

@wayz

Also, I think even after I move out this will continue to be something that will affect me. I can imagine having to give my parents money in the future.
@wayz

Do not feel responsible for them they aren't your responsibility

If they are
Living above their means that's not down to you

Move
Out and leave them to it

RandomMess · 31/07/2021 18:44

Do they own or rent, how big is it?

ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 18:52

You're looking to love out over the next couple of months.

Just keep a low profile. Buy your own food, eat separately, find a reason to work late or take yourself out to dinner.

You've given them enough money. Being a student doesn't stop your sister working. You shouldn't be financially supporting them all.

ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 18:52

Move out not love out!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/07/2021 18:52

I’m unemployed because of Heath reasons, but l got ill health retirement. Could your mum try for this?

Cattitudes · 31/07/2021 19:08

Does the level of your income impact on the benefits they can claim? They might be better off if you move out.

girl71 · 31/07/2021 19:12

Op,that sounds rubbish for you. In saying that, your parents may not have a lot of money. In some traditional style families ( asian and Irish) sometimes children are expected to contribute when working, as money tight. I am from an Irish family and when working , i was expected to contribute to the family pot, even though i was saving to move out and get my own place. I was still sharing a bedroom with my sister and at 18 , she was 17, it was too much. Plus, my parents religious views prevented me from ever having boyfriends over etc.

I moved out into rented , had a full time job and also took a second eve job , to enable me to save a deposit for own place. I worked 8am -5.30 pm then 6pm - 9pm , 2 jobs , while renting, to get my deposit, for my own place in the 90's. I also did cleaning on a weekend, so a 3rd income, but only in order to give my Mammy some housekeeping for herself . I finally saved a deposit and got my own place in the mid 90's and left my second job. I told my family i had my own mortgage now . They understood that. I often gave my mam some money , when i had bonuses etc.

I have moved and sold a number of properties over the years and always given my mum a few thousand k from each sale. Only because my Dad was a nasty prick and my mum had no money, only her low wage catering job wages. My Dad is long dead now but, i still give Mam money now, to top her savings, as Dad left nothing , no pension, no savings, nothing. He was a rolling stone, a shite father and a shite husband. I give what i can to make my mams life a little easier. Luckily, i have done well in life and can afford to support mum now. My sister cannot afford to help, so it falls to me .

girl71 · 31/07/2021 19:33

Op, if you are in yr early 20's, you can move out. I was 18 when i left home. It makes it harder to save when you leave home but, it can be done.

If you are still living in the family home ( and saving a fortune by doing so ) it is not unreasonable for your family to expect you to contribute. If you are not happy with the financial expectations expected of you now, move out.

Tibtab · 31/07/2021 19:36

Sounds like you’d pay less renting than you are paying your parents anyway. I would expedite moving out of their house, they see you as a cash cow and you are enabling it.
Most parents don’t ask their children for money constantly.

Wolframhart · 31/07/2021 19:42

It’s definitely time to move out. You are not responsible for subsidizing your parents, but they should not be feeling any pressure to support you financially either. If you are earning as much as they are it is well beyond time for you to move.

girl71 · 31/07/2021 19:45

"@Tibtab I would expedite moving out of their house, they see you as a cash cow and you are enabling it".

Equally , being in her 20's , the OP should have ordinarily left the family home, by now. Could the parents equally be the cash cow in this scenario ? Could parents be enabling OP?

ActonSquirrel · 01/08/2021 06:56

[quote girl71]"@Tibtab I would expedite moving out of their house, they see you as a cash cow and you are enabling it".

Equally , being in her 20's , the OP should have ordinarily left the family home, by now. Could the parents equally be the cash cow in this scenario ? Could parents be enabling OP? [/quote]
Honest to God have you seen the price of private rent and property lately?!

I don't know many early 20s who can just up and leave so easy

HavelockVetinari · 01/08/2021 07:04

How much keep do you pay?

Presumably you being in the house as another earning adult means they can't claim benefits (or their claim is much reduced) - are you filling the shortfall in addition to your keep?

shapes1 · 01/08/2021 07:22

F

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 01/08/2021 07:36

If you’re looking to move out then paying their £1500 household repair bill isn’t going to help you save for that.

Having 2 earners under one roof is better for them. It seems to me that they are doing whatever they can to keep you there to make their financial lives easier; a combination of guilt and manipulation, and getting you to spend the money you would be saving on their costs so, which puts the prospect of you leaving further away. They say they have no savings and no money - do you actually know that to be so?

E.g. Taking petrol money for 2 lifts is less than one full tank of petrol - they’re the net winners there.
You pay their repair bill - same.
And I bet there are piles of other examples.

It’s dysfunctional to have to think like this about family, but unfortunately, you’re in a bit of dysfunctional situation here.

So pay your agreed keep and make sure it’s objectively fair. Take no favours or help that are financial in nature (or could be boiled down to be), and offer none either. If that means buying and cooking your own food do it. I think you need to start shifting to a ‘lodger’ mentality. And move out as soon as you can. Think carefully about whether ’as soon as you can’ may actually be ‘now’.

For the future, accept that your parents’ financial obligations are not yours. You may need some help with accepting that, so looking into counselling or something might be useful?

Tibtab · 01/08/2021 07:54

In most places there are flat shares available, yes if you want a house they are expensive and no, not all flat shares are nice. It is a starting point to getting out of an exploitative situation that isn’t going to improve. It is much harder to set boundaries when you live with the people who are pushing the boundaries.
I left home to go to university then didn’t go back to my parents house. I was saying that with the OP, that the amount she gives to her parents (thousands of pounds a year) plus I presume she is also paying “rent” then it is equivalent to the cost of a small flat/flat share anyway. Obviously if she lives in a high cost area this isn’t the case.
It is possible to move areas though, this is much easier in your early 20s as well.

Erictheavocado · 01/08/2021 09:28

I think it is hard to say, without knowing how much keep you pay. If tou are paying a realistic sum already, then no, you would not be unreasonable to not want to pay more. If, however, you are paying a token amount, maybe it would be reasonable to increase the amount you are paying given that you have had a decent payrise.
For context, before I married and left home, I was earning £225 a month and my mum insisted on me paying £100 of that to her.
When my own dcs were working and contributing financially, dh and I decided we would only take a contribution towards the household expenses that changed according to how many people were here , so food, heating and lighting. We felt it unfair to expect a contribution to fixed costs such as mortgage, council tax etc. Our dcs ended up paying us a very similar amount to what I'd paid my parents almost 30 years earlier!
Maybe you need to look at how.much you are paying to see if a rise would be reasonable?

category12 · 01/08/2021 09:37

I'd look at finding a house-share or bedsit and compare what you would be paying there and how much you'd be able to save, with how much you're paying at home and how much you're able to save.

Plus weigh up the emotional pressures you're under and the likelihood of things popping up that'll you'll need to help out with. Consider the benefits of having someone to give you a lift when your car breaks down vs the disadvantages.

You could have a great time in a house-share with mates or even with new people (it can also be a trying experience Grin).

Congratulations on your promotion.

Thisbastardcomputer · 01/08/2021 09:43

You'd be best not mentioning work, promotions or salary to them, you can guarantee they'd expect a cut of it.

AhNowTed · 01/08/2021 16:50

No one can advise you until we know how much keep you are paying OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread