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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Live at home, have had a promotion, money issues

45 replies

wayz · 31/07/2021 18:22

I'm living at home at the moment, I'm in my early 20s. I recently had a promotion at work with a decent pay rise. I'm currently looking at flats to move out over the next couple of months.

We are not a well-off family. I pay keep to my parents. Ever since my promotion (it's been a few weeks) I feel like my parents are talking about money more to me. I feel a lot of guilt about earning money, I now earn a similar amount to my Dad and my Mum is unemployed because of health reasons. My sister who lives at home is a student so doesn't contribute to the household financially.

I'm not sure if they are genuinely speaking about it more or whether I am feeling guilty and am imagining it. I really need honest advice on the situation. Should I pay more keep and lend my parents money I know they will never be able to pay back?

I ask because when I first started earning money I leant my family money quite a lot as I have a lot guilt about earning money and being able to build savings when my parents have no savings at all. I leant around £3000 in total over the span of a couple of years starting when I was 18 which was never paid back.

Ever since the promotion I have noticed my parents don't seem happy for me and they bring up money a lot more often. For example, if I ask what their plans are for the weekend it's "nothing, we have no money" when they have do have money to do things. My parents gave me a lift twice this week as my car is in for repairs, no more than 10 miles of driving in total, I offered to pay petrol money and they decline. But then a few days later my parents started saying how the car tank is empty and I need to take it and pay to fill it up. A big unexpected household repair is needed (£1500) and so I told them I'll pay it as there is no other option.

I know the answer is to move out. I'm trying. But in the meantime, what is the reasonable course of action? As you can imagine this is a very difficult topic for me, it's something I feel a lot of guilt and confusion over.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 01/08/2021 17:14

I can see why young people emigrate. It would be awful to be seen as a cash cow.

Howshouldibehave · 01/08/2021 17:18

How much do you now earn and how much do you pay in keep?

ShaaaaaalAhLah · 02/08/2021 16:23

@Wayz In a similar situation, except I am watching my husband having to fork out for his family. My husband has never had a proper education or came from a working family. His parents are lazy and have zero work ethics, however I come from a background were we are all working individuals. Once I met my husband (BF then) I was clear I needed someone who was going to work, and it meant a lot to me for both of us to provide for our future and be a team. All well, he got a job and we have progressed in life, I graduated from uni etc. HOWEVER my PIL demand a monthly allowance every month, despite us not living together and have never lived together. To make it worse they both don't work, and expect us to pay for the siblings needs too (Younger BIL education etc) Despite knowing we both work hard and are still trying to make our own lives work.

At first I thought it was decency but know I feel the parents blackmail & gas lighten my husband and make his feel guilty for earning and being conformable whilst they don't earn (through their own choice), I've got to the point that I have decided I can no longer support this and they must start providing for themselves because when we struggle they have never helped and I can assure you they will never help - My point is I know you may feel like you need to help, but sometimes its best to not over-help because they will get into a routine of falling on you and relying on you. Its one think helping your parents through your own will but its another being made to help or feeling like you need to. My only advise is stop before it gets too much.

WildingFae · 02/08/2021 16:30

Can you rent a little one bed flat, or find a house share?

bigbaggyeyes · 02/08/2021 16:47

It's right that you pay them keep, even if you're saving for a place to live. I'd work out how much percentage wise you used to pay them, then work out the same percentage on the new wage and pay them that. I wouldn't however keep paying them once you move out. It's hard enough to pay the bills without having to subsidise other adults.

Maggiesfarm · 02/08/2021 17:41

ShaaaaaLala: my PIL demand a monthly allowance every month, despite us not living together and have never lived together
........
You and your husband don't live together?

I wonder why your parents in law do not work; I realise some people fall on hard times or can be chronically sick but most people do work at least some of the time.

It's a bit much to expect your husband to fork out for them each month and support siblings. The only people I have known who do that are from a different cultural background and, in fairness, the parents were always very supportive of their children financially and otherwise, later on the children looked after them.

user16395699 · 02/08/2021 17:57

@bigbaggyeyes

That's not how rent works.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/08/2021 18:07

I know the answer is to move out

You're right, it is, and the sooner the better

In the meantime I certainly wouldn't lend them any more - you're saving for a deposit remember? - not least because their finances really aren't your affair, far less your responsibility
In the meantime any moaning can either be ignored or responded to by asking what they plan to do about it (something which will become even easier after you move out)

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 18:12

Let this be a lesson to keep your salary to yourself from now on, but don't ever feel guilty about what you earn and the promotions you receive. You are not responsible for your parent's financial situation.

Buy your own food, don't get lifts from them, and move out as quickly as possible.

bigbaggyeyes · 02/08/2021 18:34

That's not how rent works the op isn't renting

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 02/08/2021 18:47

Decide an amount that you’re prepared to give them (lump sum in “loan”s, monthly contributions, whatever) and stick to it.

Don’t tell them that you’ve done this.

Let this be a start to learning how to set boundaries for yourself. Don’t let yourself be held hostage to feelings of guilt which are all in your head. Perhaps your parents are encouraging those feelings, but that’s irrelevant. You need to decide what you’re comfortable with and stick with that.

It’s a difficult lesson for many women to learn, as it requires being closed to persuasion, not being a people pleaser above all else, and asserting yourself. Often, you will be made to feel bad, expected to give in, expected to compromise etc (all of which are sometimes appropriate, but you’ll have to figure out for yourself when that applies and when it doesn’t). Make sure your decisions are ones your conscience will always be clear with. Then stick to them, no matter how people react. You will have done the right thing.

Anonapuss · 02/08/2021 18:50

OP i found myself in a similar situation at a similar age, money grabbing parents are an embarrassment to themselves, try not to give in to any perceived guilt tripping, it is NOT your responsibility to bail them out...

At your stage I decided to move in with a friend with a spare room, who charged me the same as my parents (£375 per month, nearly 20 years ago) but it was worth it to live like an adult and without the bullshit.

Get out as soon as you can, when young i highly recommend house / flat shares - if youre going for a room in a place with people you dont know, aim for an ensuite ;-) and dont take a room with a family as it wont be half as fun as young adults.

Good luck and get out as soon as you can.

Cerebelle · 02/08/2021 20:28

They can get a lodger for your room once you have moved out. They have options.

Maggiesfarm · 02/08/2021 21:01

@wayz

Also, I think even after I move out this will continue to be something that will affect me. I can imagine having to give my parents money in the future.

When you move out you will be able to tell them you hardly have any money left over after paying mortgage and all the bills every month. They can't get blood out of a stone.

RandomMess · 02/08/2021 21:11

When you move out your parents have options open to them - cheaper home in a cheaper area for one, maybe a smaller one.

ShaaaaaalAhLah · 04/08/2021 12:41

@maggiesfarm Sorry that was poorly written, I meant we (my husband and I) do not live with my Parent in law and never have done. We live in separate towns to them. They manipulate my husband give him the guilt treatment and he feels obliged to provide them with money every month.

Maggiesfarm · 04/08/2021 13:56

I am sorry ShaaaalAhLah. I wonder why they do not work, or did not work, and provide for themselves. I mean - a lot of disabled people work, they really want to if they can.

If parents or any family member need a bit of help it is nice to bung them a few quid every now and then but not many people could afford to give them a regular allowance.

I hope you manage to work something out without falling out with your in laws.

Kite22 · 04/08/2021 14:01

I agree with everyone else.
You are not responsible for your parent's' finances.
Do not ever feel guilty about promotions or pay rises.

I would never take money off my adult dc for repairs to the house. Your parents need to manage their own budget and either increase their income or reduce their outgoings.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 04/08/2021 14:15

Don't lend them any more money. It's all a gift. You can call it a loan when you talk to them if you like to save their feelings, but in your own head it must be a gift because they are never going to pay it back. Plan how much you can afford to give them while still being able to meet your own spending and saving goals, and don't give them any more than that. It will be hard to refuse especially at first but practice will help. Put aside a monthly amount to cover these "gifts", since you know the "requests" will keep coming.

Avoid accepting "favours" from your parents, since these seem to come with strings. Taxis and Ubers exist and although some families would be OK with a lift here and a tankful of petrol there, if your parents are taking advantage then it's better to pay outsiders.

It's definitely a good idea to move out but if you can't afford to buy a place it is probably more sensible to rent a room in a flat with other young working people, and save up.

Seesawmummadaw · 04/08/2021 14:39

Depends on how much you pay them? £20 a month then yes you should pay more.

If you are paying an appropriate contribution and want to contribute more in line with your pay rise then start paying more but stop with the other bits- fuel, a big bill etc.

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