Don’t like my husband as a parent

[Hibbyribby]

Does anyone else feel like this?

I’m finding I dislike DH more and more when we’re both around the kids which is unfortunately a lot of the time.

Two main issues - he is hyper vigilant. Proper helicopter parenting. It makes days or trips out so stressful as he sees danger everywhere and is on edge a lot. I’m definitely not the most laid back parent at all so we’re not completely at odds but he’s much more stressed / worried.

He’s all gushing when things are going well but gets stressed out as soon as anything goes wrong. He gets frustrated when the kids don’t do as he asks and repeats “when I say X, it leave X” which makes sod all difference. Kids are 2 and 4 and obviously kids don’t always do what you want otherwise parenting would be a doddle!

He’s a really good dad and a lovely guy but stressful to be around as a parent and it’s making me dislike him and feel miserable.

Any advice?

Can you find some studies (there are numerous online) about the anxiety in dc that helicopter parenting can cause. Then say to dh in a way that won't cause defensiveness about teaching and trusting dc.

I feel your pain. I'm in the exact same situation. I wanted to ask for advice too, but it would be useless here as you will just be told to leave your abusive husband. So i didn't bother, as they're not abusive people, they're just intolerant to mess or disorder. So I will follow this post for any constructive advice. My DP is a full-time father of our 18 month girl and I work from home.

@Timmytoo 😂😂 indeed! I don’t know what advice I’m looking for really. Just feel so frustrated and no one to talk to in real life. So hard to see friends these days.

@StarryNight468 thanks ok. That’s a good idea..do you know of any reliable ones? Or a book? I’m always reading books so would be easier to convey.

I’m finding I dislike DH more and more when we’re both around the kids which is unfortunately a lot of the time.

Maybe find reasons to split the responsibilities a little more so maybe you can take up a hobby or exercise and encourage him to do the same, he will develop more of his way of doing things and you can be free to let them have a little more independence under your watch. My dc are now older and just roll their eyes at dh's helicopter parenting.

Lead by example and discuss approaches to issues so that you’ve a shared plan

@Cattitudes that’s a good idea / reminder for me, I had suggested we split more and spend 1-1 time with each kid. I’ll try to formalise that!

My hobby is gardening which is crap cos pretty much whenever I’m out there at some point there is screaming for mummy and I end up interrupted or with the kids trying to “help” me garden. I used to run which worked better as I wasn’t here but I don’t have time now - gardening takes so long!

TBH I think this is why DC have two parents. Your DC will grow to understand your differing styles of parenting and thrive with the positives from each.
For example, my DH is a naturally tidy person so finds mess stressful whereas I don't really notice. Him telling our DC to tidy as they go is probably a good thing though I find it a bit controlling sometimes. And so many more different attitudes have emerged as parents which you can't possibly know about until DC appear.
Leave him to it when you can, and ask him to do the same when you are in charge of something you feel strongly about. Try not to argue over discipline in front of the DC.
I do agree with Timmytoo that some will identify his parenting as 'wrong' the way you describe it whereas I just see it as him doing him.

I could’ve written your post too op. He can be really critical with our eldest too. “Why can’t he just do X like a normal kid” said in front of said child. Ds has been referred for adhd assessment but most of the ‘abnormal’ behaviour isn’t unusual for a 5 year old.

‘How to talk so kids will listen’ is a really good book. Dp hasn’t read it yet.

He recently bought a book called ‘how to stop losing your shit at your kids’ he hasn’t read it yet.

On the plus said i badgered him so much threatened to leave and he’s finally doing therapy. Which seems to be helping 🤞.

@SaltySheepdog I try to but dh can be very literal - so if I suggest an approach to something he won’t then deviate from it or be any way flexible. And really with parenting you need to be quick thinking and choose the correct approach from many.

One kid is autistic so parenting is for us very demanding. Not that it isn’t for everyone but it really adds an extra level of need and complexity.

You could also ask him directly (and kindly) to give the children space instead of helicoptering. Explain (warmly) you think the children find it stressful. Best done each time he’s mid helicoptering

Difficult situations can often be dealt well with with a combination of warmth, humour, distraction, silliness.

Ask him to have more fun with the children

@Hadenoughofthisbullshit ah snap - my eldest has additional needs too (she’s autistic)

I’ve read how to talk…yeah dh hasn’t. I’ll try suggest it again…

I’ve got 1,2,3 magic too which I’ve not read yet but the approach sounds simple so I though might work.

But general consensus of leaving him too it is good: the thing I hate is he gets stressed, then I get stressed and less patient with the kids and I hate that they then bear the brunt.

@SaltySheepdog thanks, I’ll try that. I like that phrase.

He has loads of fun with the kids, he’s a great dad when it’s all going well it’s just you know the inevitable things go wrong every few minutes!

Parenting classes? I sympathise- seen lots of dictatorial and unresponsive dads that seem to think parenting is puppy training

Sorry- hadn’t finished -
But at least it sound like dp is coming from a loving place. So he’s on the loving path just needs a tweak!

Parenting classes I think no - no time - but reading a book or online course etc maybe. The thing that pisses me off is I don’t know what I’m doing either so I read books, Follow helpful people on Instagram etc (ask mumsnet )Wish he would do the same

Same. He just says he knows what to do but in the heat of the moment it all goes out the window.

Does he lose his temper with them op? This would be the deciding factor me.

Just read that DS is autistic. It might help to voice your observations as situations arise to help DH read situations better ... ‘oh ds looks like he’s enjoying playing in the muddy puddle, let’s park ourselves on this bench and give him some space to have fun’. Or ‘DS looks to be wiping puddle mud all over that other child, let’s move on to the slide or swings’. If DS is determined to remain in the puddle swoop him up pretending to be a gorilla or something equally daft. Better to defuse the situation then have endless standoffs

Being autistic he might like a visual plan for the next couple of hours

ibcces.org/blog/2016/07/15/behavior-strategies/

Used with my friends child

I get this a bit. I grew up in a very relaxed home where we all got on well; he grew up in a house where issues (and things that weren't even issues) were (and are) adressed with yelling and screaming arguments.

He has got better over time, but still does sometimes leap to the most negative possible conclusions about things (ie one of the kids 'must have' lost or broken something when he has no proof) and occasionally get OTT angry over things. I do not like it one bit when that happens - I have told him I do not want him re-creating his household dynamics here. Like I said, he has got better but I accept he'll never be totally the parent I'd like him to be.

OP, if you can get husband to read 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk', that's a really great and practical book. I love it, have never got DH to read all of it though.

I have one of these. Doesn't help that he had a 70s, authoritarian upbringing and I'm a teacher, so we have quite different views- although mine are backed up by research, 20 years of experience if a huge number of kids and the knowledge of other kids the same age as ours.

He's very reactive and goes straight to banning the xbox forever, whereas I like to think it through. I'm also aware that we are inclined to punish if we're annoyed- not because what the kids have done us actually bad/dangerous.

He basically expects kids to be short adults. I tell him that I'm in awe of the utterly perfect child he must have been and ask him if he'd like to share his parenting tips with the teaching profession as, to date, I have not been able to get kids to: do it right first time; remember multiple instructions barked at them; listen; tidy up unprompted; read my mind.

I also remind him that he left home at 16 thanks, largely, to his dad.

@SaltySheepdog thanks. It’s my daughter who’s autistic and we are good with that. We know a lot, we do a lot. We use visuals, social stories, sensory breaks etc. DH is very good with all this too.

Having a child with additional needs just adds extra stress in many many ways. She had very set ways of playing for example and that is tricky when you have a two year old sister desperate to join in. Just one example. It just makes life harder as a parent. Or more complex.

I do also recognise that he has different parenting strengths to me eg more willing to let them do dangerous things or introduce them to films etc I'm unsure about or teach them inventive ways to swear.

@TheMoth

I have one of these. Doesn't help that he had a 70s, authoritarian upbringing and I'm a teacher, so we have quite different views- although mine are backed up by research, 20 years of experience if a huge number of kids and the knowledge of other kids the same age as ours.

He's very reactive and goes straight to banning the xbox forever, whereas I like to think it through. I'm also aware that we are inclined to punish if we're annoyed- not because what the kids have done us actually bad/dangerous.

He basically expects kids to be short adults. I tell him that I'm in awe of the utterly perfect child he must have been and ask him if he'd like to share his parenting tips with the teaching profession as, to date, I have not been able to get kids to: do it right first time; remember multiple instructions barked at them; listen; tidy up unprompted; read my mind.

I also remind him that he left home at 16 thanks, largely, to his dad.

This is almost the same as me, except I didn't leave home at 16.

We're currently divorcing. He has emotionally abused them and me for far too long. I feel guilty I stayed for so long.

OP - if your husband isn't willing to learn how to be a better parent through reading/discussion or getting to the cause of his 'helicopter' issues, I fully appreciate how this can cause a rift!

Sorry that's not very helpful advice...