Don’t like my husband as a parent

[Hibbyribby]

Does anyone else feel like this?

I’m finding I dislike DH more and more when we’re both around the kids which is unfortunately a lot of the time.

Two main issues - he is hyper vigilant. Proper helicopter parenting. It makes days or trips out so stressful as he sees danger everywhere and is on edge a lot. I’m definitely not the most laid back parent at all so we’re not completely at odds but he’s much more stressed / worried.

He’s all gushing when things are going well but gets stressed out as soon as anything goes wrong. He gets frustrated when the kids don’t do as he asks and repeats “when I say X, it leave X” which makes sod all difference. Kids are 2 and 4 and obviously kids don’t always do what you want otherwise parenting would be a doddle!

He’s a really good dad and a lovely guy but stressful to be around as a parent and it’s making me dislike him and feel miserable.

Any advice?

Oh god this resonates so much. I know he loves them dearly and at times can be a great dad, lots of fun, goes out if his way to inspire them about interesting stuff - but it’s on his terms and only ever at a time that suits him. He’s quick to lose his shit when they basically behave like kids of their age…as a pp said, expects the behaviour of short adults. And he can be very unpleasant, for example on a few occasions he’s lost it and shouted at one of them to shut up. On more than one occasion I’ve called him out on behaviour that I think slips over into bullying. He moans constantly about how hard life with kids is and I worry they pick up/ will be affected by his resentment. And if one is being a bit hardwork, he does this awful massive over the top attention and fuss for the other. It’s weird and feels like playing them off against each other.

Basically he had a quite shitty childhood, quote authoritarian. He absolutely refuses counselling. It has damaged our relationship to the point I think we’re close to be done - I’ve lost respect for him and just run out of patience with his behaviour.

I don’t think it’s that he’s a crap parent: he’s a really good dad but I don’t like being round him when we’re both parenting. Because he’s hyper vigilant and also I find gets irritated by normal kid things.

So it’s more about our relationship than his relationship with the kids. He’s not really authoritarian. If anything I get annoyed cos he doesn’t follow through enough.

I think getting him to read the How to talk book would be good because I think it is helpful and I also think if he helicopter parented less then that would be good for him, the kids and me.

It has definitely caused a rift, and he thinks I’m unreasonable/ have unreasonable expectations. I don’t think I do - I’m not perfect, get stressed with them sometimes, sometimes am more shouty than I want to be. But I also try and learn when I get it wrong…not just blame the kids for…we’ll, behaving like kids.

My DH can be like this. He is anxious by nature and likes quiet, calm and order. Our kids are very active and push the boundaries a lot. He seems to think our children are really badly behaved and other kids aren't like this.

I've found meet up with other families useful so he can see what other kids are like- that they all have their moments and also how other parent's parent. This might be something you've not experienced much due to the timing if covid hitting. He's come home realising our children are actually well behaved at times. I think generally Fathers are less exposed to playgroups/ playdates/ other kids compared to mothers. Getting a dad's playdate is a great idea.

Our youngest is now 4yo and it has got easier with time. The preschool healthcare hard!

Your husband takes things literally and is inflexible-could he be autistic also?

I know exactly how you feel Usernamechanged. The resentment is the killer, yes it’s annoying when you can’t get a minute to yourself, but you don’t tell the kid that. I don’t want them to feel like their dad doesn’t give a shit like I did.

Though to be fair my dad wouldn’t play with the kids like dp does, or go on days out or anything like that.

Glad it’s not too authoritarian Hibbyribby

@EKGEMS

Your husband takes things literally and is inflexible-could he be autistic also?

ND is largely genetic, I definitely thought this too. Hell be more anxious if he has to mask.

@Alreadyexhausted play dates is a good idea but honestly very very hard if you have an autistic child 😔

Our kids aren’t badly behaved and he doesn’t think they are…but he gets very stressed very quickly if they don’t listen, or more accurately don’t respond! A lot of it is anxiety related….even in the garden, lots of don’t touch this etc etc or if they run off in the park (I know that’s not great but I’m talking a safe space where we can see them and they don’t get that far). He needs techniques to handle these situations. But I wish he was just more relaxed!

@EKGEMS ha ha, yes we both joke about this and me too as I have traits that relate to the spectrum!

But yes exactly it is thought to be genetic and we both probably could seek assessments but I don’t think either of us are impacted severely enough to bother.

@Hibbyribby I gotcha. My son (nearly 21) had a stroke in NICU and has anxiety/autistic traits/ocd/mood disorder with cerebral palsy so I can relate to the difficulty with parenting and play dates,different parenting views. My Dad was a constant worrier and it got ridiculous-taking away something from our play kitchen when younger sister was six or seven way beyond choking on small toy part stage and took our pick-up-sticks game because you could "put your eye out" if you ran with them-we never ran with them we sat on the floor and played the game as it was meant to be played with. We couldn't go to the corner store one quarter mile away because "girls get kidnapped" and last part of journey was a shortcut through trees. It was ridiculous.

Thanks @EKGEMS and hope your DS is doing well.

I think honestly my DHs parents were a lot like your dad and that is where a lot of it stems from…I hope you’ve escaped the anxiety trap!!

He's now at a maintenance/stable period with medications and I don't worry like my Dad did so extremely thankfully

I cannot see the issue with him repeating himself when the children are ignoring an instruction as long as the instruction is reasonable and he is not shouting.

We are only getting one side of the coin. Perhaps he is posting on a forum right now moaning about his wife being too soft as a parent.

@JellyBabiesFan yes that’s true but that’s not what I mean. It’s more like, toddler runs off, DH yells stop, toddler doesn’t stop, DH runs after toddler and says when I say stop it means stop.

I find it frustrating as it’s not effective. I’m not the soft one, I would just explain the problem to toddler and enforce consequence if necessary.

Hmm. I would probably explain the importance of "stop" too. It's part of their learning...

It is sometimes hard to accept our partner will parent differently. Or even that people parent different and there isn't really One True Way but a number of ways. As long as they are nurtured and loved etc etc.

I do love How to Talk though. And recognise many of the issues!

I think that’s my point. It’s not that his way is wrong it’s that I’m finding our relationship hard because of the side of his personality that is very apparent when parenting. It’s stressful being around someone who sees danger everywhere and who can’t let the kids take the odd risk. That’s why I posted in Relationships and not Parenting.

The running away thing, yes of course we explain about not running off and we always hold hands in car parks etc but she’s 2. Running off across a patch of grass isn’t so bad. Plus she stops after not long cos she’s 2. But he’s so stressed about either her running off either as she’s not listened to his “stop” or he’s stressed about danger. I think I’ve probably just heard the “if I say X, it means X” line one too many times!! And it just irritates me because well, sadly it’s not always that easy either little children!

How much sole parenting does he do?

Tbh, I'd leave him to it for a bit (in a safe environment). Get out of the house and go for a walk or shopping while he does an activity like cooking with them or plays with them in the garden if you have one. Or get him to take them to soft play (though maybe not just at the moment!) or to an enclosed park where the little one will be safe. He'll hopefully find a better balance of being on the lookout for hazards but also letting the children have fun.

I could have written this. I had to ask my DH to completely step back yesterday in town. He was helicopter parenting from the moment we left the car. Drove me mad.

He does some sole parenting but not loads because frankly it is so hard looking after both of them. Going out solo with both is next to impossible as our autistic daughter is notice a neurotypical four year old. She needs a lot of support on playground equipment and with interacting with others or might get incredibly stressed by something unexpected. So taking her out and a very independent minded two year old out is tough. We do both do it but only to a couple of playgrounds we are confident with and of it is early.

anyway I’ve just said and hot agreement that we’ll both re read the how to talk book and I’m going to try suggesting giving the kids space re helicopter parenting….

A clash in parenting styles can cause a lot of friction. In my case it was slightly different as he was the the opposite of a helicopter parent (lazy/bare minimum) yet then tried to "lay down the law" when they would do "wrong" - usually something completely age appropriate - or be a bit loud etc. Which obviously they toasted no attention to as they didn't see him as someone they should listen to as he rarely listened to them. This started as young as three with my eldest who seemed to have clocked him quicker than I did! In essence he's a rubbish parent a lot of the time and cajoling him to be better only went so far.

Splitting the DC up and doing 1-1 days out worked well though. Separation worked better!

In regards to books, how to talk is good (if a bit cheesy) but Janet Lansbury was my go-to at that age. Her methods made parenting toddlers so much less stressful for me. She has a book called "no bad kids" but it's just a collation of her articles/podcast which are free online. She has a FB page too if you're on there. Give her a go, it's a very chill/laid back approach yet with strong boundaries when needed.

Thanks @Recessed, I’ve seen JL mentioned a lot here but never looked at her stuff. I’ll give it a go…the problem with How to talk…. Is it’s just a collation of lots of ideas rather than an approach so requires a lot of thinking on the spot.

I think you’re right that lots of 1-1 trips will help. Thanks