To try and stop my friend from getting married

[H3h2h1]

Hi all,

NC for this obviously,

I’ve known my friend for about 10 years and we’re quite close, although we live a few hours apart. She is kind and sweet but she has issues stemming from her childhood with bullying, lack of parental support, etc, and she can be extremely negative and egocentric. She always talks about herself and her problems and rarely asks about mine, as I’ve also had a child with special needs recently and gone through hell with an abusing ex, although I try to be supportive as she doesn’t have many friends bar me.

She found a man, moved in and had two children in a very short space of time (born in the same year but not twins). She often shares intimate details of their relationship issues, which are several, but at the same time she agreed to marry him and is planning a winter 2023 wedding.

Their issues include him being addicted to cannabis and growing this in their shared home. He smokes every day. He drives the car with the children whilst high (she says not noticeably). He risks his job as they do random drug testing. He doesn’t contribute to bringing up their children and spends most of his free time smoking weed. She tells me various details on other relationship issues which seem more “normal”.

As I said, all whilst this is going on, one minute she is complaining about drug use and him being an absent dad, next minute she’s planning the wedding cake and dress. It’s driving me mad. I’ve tried to hint at the various problems including the risk to her children/social services, to no avail really. What can I do to make her listen? Or should
I even bother?

@AbsolutelyPatsy

surely as long as your friend is a responsible adult there is no need for social services, they will do nothing

That’s not the op’s decision to make. She needs to let the professionals investigate what is going on.

@AbsolutelyPatsy I have said that many times but she doesn’t really listen. I guess I could have said it more strongly or harder. I’ve just said it like, look you have all these issues, the drugs, safety for the children, do you really want to marry this man? But that’s not enough I am realising.

I don’t think you can persuade someone not to get married anyway - it sounds as though she’ll do what she wants regardless of your input.
You say you’re supportive of her (not doubting that), but do you get much from the friendship yourself, and do you feel comfortable with her telling you all this personal stuff? It sounds like she’s putting you in a bit of a difficult position (should you report, etc) without offering much back.

In your position I would seek advice re reporting the cannabis use. I don't think you should feel guilty about not acting sooner. And being tough on folk doesn't often change their actions once they are an adult and making their own decisions.

Please op

Please
Forget the wedding

Please please report to social services

Cannabis makes people less able to do well in relationships in my experience. The person is too absorbed in their own inner world. It does have an effect on them the rest of the time I think, not just when they're having a spliff.

Personally I fiind it disgusting- some people feel that way about it and that's ok. Any doctor will tell you it's not good for people's mental health. It's what landed me in a psychiatric hospital for the first time, even though I was just having the occasional spliff from a boyfriend.

Driving when high on pot isn't minor, it's dangerous as it effects people's reaction speed.

I would keep pointing out to her if he does something that's not ok. It's well over a year before they're getting married, so there's plenty of time in which she might change her mind.

I don't know how much SS would do about someone smoking pot TBH. Just because otherwise there'd be an awful lot of people they'd have to get involved with. If you have evidence like a text from her that says he drove while high, it might be taken more seriously. They would just deny that if SS came round.

SS won't care about smoking weed or with the selling as long as the dc don't have access to it. It would be hard to prove the high and driving, if you could prove it and he was driving with the dc in his car the police would automatically put a safeguarding referral through.

I'd report the growing of drugs to the police anonymously and let them do the rest, personally

Thank you all for your supportive words and replies.

You are right that i am not getting a lot from this relationship but I feel a sense of responsibility for her. Its weighing quite heavily on me and I sometimes feel angry at her for putting me in this position of knowing all this information.

I’m not obsessing over the getting married part; it’s just another step to tie her to this man that I think is unwise.

I think the police would be interested in the growing weed part. Maybe something to get the ball rolling with respect to her leaving ...

Thank you all

@Cattitudes

If his job requires random drug testing then he is presumably not only a risk to himself but also to others. I might feel obliged to share that information with his employer. Is her home owned by her/ him / landlord/ council? He is taking substantial risks.

Yes, this. Anonymously tip off his employer sk they can start daily drug testing. Despicable if he's putting other people's lives/health at risk.

OP, depending on how bad the situation is, you can also confidentially tip off social services. People who recklessly endanger their children don't deserve to have them, frankly. I doubt they'd get taken away but they'll at least be monitored.
How horrific that your friend is letting him drive innocent children while high.

*so

“Get the ball rolling”?

FFS

You won’t. Unbelievable

Um what? She’s an adult you can’t try and control her life. 😱

It's the kids in the car you should worry about. Driving under the influence of cannabis is illegal for a reason.

Thanks all, I’ve googled and turns out although 101 asks for name of caller you can refuse and stay anonymous. Still will need to plan how I do this w my friend- she’d obviously know it’s me.

She wouldn’t necessarily know it’s you, it could be nosy neighbours, family, she could have told others. Anyway, if she does think it’s you, so what? If she can’t see that she’s bringing up her children in an unsafe and unhealthy environment then maybe this will wake her up to the situation and the reality of it.

Whys everyone being a snooty twat with op? What have I missed?

ringing the police wont necessarily encourage her to leave him
she may feel trapped
wanted
a savior
buoy her up op

@BrozTito thank you, I’m trying not to read into it as I know online typed communication can be a bit harsher than what one would have said in person. But I’m just trying to help. Like I said I’ve had my own fair share of to deal with quite frankly. Sorry. I’ll get off this thread now as I don’t want to trigger or antagonise anyone. Thank you sincerely for all advice and I feel much stronger in being able to tackle this now through calling 101 and reporting the growing, and driving which are the two cases I believe the police will definitely tackle

@BrozTito

Whys everyone being a snooty twat with op? What have I missed?

I think it's because she wants to try and stop them getting married backhandedly rather than just properly addressing the fact he's driving around with her kids while he's high or the fact he's growing and dealing drugs

@BrozTito

Whys everyone being a snooty twat with op? What have I missed?

Very young children Living in a drug den Being driven by someone who is high.

The OP has known about the above for a long time.

She sees the woman 1-2x a week

The OP is annoyed about the mother going on about her wedding.

that is why I’m “snooty”

I get the feeling op that you're only reporting the cannabis farm because you want to stop the wedding! No interest in the kids welfare which is poor if I'm right.
Reporting the farming of weed isn't going to stop him from driving his kids whilst high -he will continue to buy and smoke weed even if pending trial .
You need to speak to your friend about the kids welfare being in danger and forget the wedding element - this isn't your choice !
If she continues to ring you and seek advise about her awful marriage then ignore her calls or tell her that you have a lot going on and hope she just gets the message .

Wow, you’ve really upset me now and made me feel as if I’m the one who’s doing this on my own, when in fact I’m only trying to help. Some of you are being unkind. I’ve explained my own situation several times in this thread and feel very hurt of these accusations. I see the wedding as another thing tying her to her partner. Thats why I think it’s a horrible idea. I’ve had enough of this thread as I have to look after my own mental health. Thank you for the advice.