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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling to deal with change if personality when his kids are here

29 replies

Ripley1977 · 31/07/2021 10:27

What do you do when your OH kids are here? I'll be honest it doesnt help Its that time of the month but it does my head in when his kids are here I'm basically invisible, apart from "where is this or that" or "we're going out now" type thing. It's like he becomes emotionally detached from me, I find it really upsetting.

He's only allowed to see them eow and half the holidays so I do understand by the time they are here he's desperate to be with them... I Just dont understand why our relationship has to change so much, I feel like a lodger or something like that.
Has anyone gone through this and how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 31/07/2021 12:24

Does he not invite you to go with them? Who does all the work for them when they visit?

DinosaurDiana · 31/07/2021 12:27

My step mother screamed at me to get out ( I was about 7 and had just arrived for the weekend ) and I never went to their house again.
But she lost him every single Sunday after that.
I’d force a smile and let him get on with it if I were you.

Original poster
Ripley1977 · 31/07/2021 16:48

Oh jeez poor you that's so awful, no dont get me wrong I get on well with the kids! We chat, have a laugh etc, but my OH changes (sometimes seems really moody and distant) when they are coming, then a couple of days when they are here. I did have a word with him in the beginning(he moved in with me) as I was totally ignored by all of them at times so its definitely 100% improved but he still has his moments and then I feel like a spare part. They have plenty of time with their dad when they're here, I think the issues would arise when he would be annoyed if I did my own thing.
We both do the donkey work, he does a lot more for them when they are here though.
He's creeping today so I think he's realised he was being weird again Confused

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/07/2021 16:52

I'd have another calm chat with him about how you're feeling.

Does he get stressed out or anxious about them coming? Do you think it might be he's trying too hard to make them feel like they're the most important thing because he feels guilty for not being there full time?

Original poster
Ripley1977 · 31/07/2021 17:56

I think you might be right.. I do give them loads of space to be together then we'll do things together aswell so really it's all working well. He misses them so much, its hard for me to understand the moods when they are coming I thought it would be more excitement than anything. I also know Its not right for me to feel pushed out either, so yep another chat ! Thanks for all your replies, it is much appreciated Flowers

OP posts:
federerballs · 01/08/2021 14:41

I’m dealing with similar
DP behaves really weirdly towards me when his daughter is around, sort of shuts down the relationship from a day or so ahead which I used to put down to issues seeing the ex at pick up and some stress (even though they split up a decade ago) It’s like
I don’t exist and he refuses any physical contact in front of her (I am not talking big PDAs, tiny things, a touch of an arm etc) and goes off everything else too
I don’t know what it’s about but it’s pretty hurtful

federerballs · 01/08/2021 14:44

I really reel like he’s emotionally
invested in his previous relationship and I’ll never be “it” and for some reason he doesn’t want his daughter to see us as a couple.
I find it hard to express it without sounding nuts.
He’s very affectionate and chatty towards her but he sees her frequently anyway I don’t get why he can’t act normal with me

Jsku · 01/08/2021 15:27

I am divorced and my kids go between my and ex’s places. He sees them less than me as I am at home. I have a bf.
So - my perspective on this - all of you -
w/o kids and dating co-parenting partners - need to grow up. And realise that life isn’t about you 100% of the time.
Kids matter - and deserve their parent’s attention over his new partner who gets to live with them full time.
And get a little compassion for your partner as well. It’s difficult to not see your kids all the time, it’s hard to let them go - even if they are only going for a week. It reminds them of the hurt separation caused the kids, as well as the parents. Even if separation itself was the right thing to do.

Without this understating there is no point being in a relationships with someone who has children. You can throw a tantrum and get some short term wins - but in the long term it’ll only cause resentment and hurt your relationship.

So, to summarise - it’s not all about how you feel. Your partner’s feelings matter and the kids do too.

jimmyjammy001 · 01/08/2021 16:01

I agree with jsku, you've agreed to date somebody who has children and should know it won't all be plain sailing, you have to just accept the negatives as that is part and parcel of dating somebody who has children. Their children come first, you come second, if you don't like it then don't date people who have children, sorry to have to be so blunt, but these type of scenarios are posted on an almost daily basis.

Roblox01 · 01/08/2021 16:27

To be honest I'm not sure if women really understand the impact of being an every other weekend Dad has on the man. Yes some men are useless.etc, but I'm talking here about men who were committed to their marriage / relationship and didn't choice the separation.

You see the kids on a reduced basis, have to accept this and do overcompensate when you see them. I think nearly any parent would. It's not the same as losing the kids for a weekend or few days here and there.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2021 16:31

It's ok to admit this doesn't work for you. If this isn't how you want to live, I certainly wouldn't, not in my own bloody house, end it.

Lostmyway86 · 01/08/2021 16:43

@jimmyjammy001

I agree with jsku, you've agreed to date somebody who has children and should know it won't all be plain sailing, you have to just accept the negatives as that is part and parcel of dating somebody who has children. Their children come first, you come second, if you don't like it then don't date people who have children, sorry to have to be so blunt, but these type of scenarios are posted on an almost daily basis.
Oh what a load of absolute rubbish. Honestly it's such bullshit that I don't even have the energy to respond but hoping someone else with some sense will come along a d pick this apart! OP noone has to be second, ever. Children nor the partner.
DancesWithTortoises · 01/08/2021 16:49

Oh what a load of absolute rubbish. Honestly it's such bullshit that I don't even have the energy to respond but hoping someone else with some sense will come along a d pick this apart! OP noone has to be second, ever. Children nor the partner.

Yup. No one with any sense thinks that.

Struggling to deal with change if personality when his kids are here
Original poster
Ripley1977 · 01/08/2021 17:06

@federerballs

I really reel like he’s emotionally invested in his previous relationship and I’ll never be “it” and for some reason he doesn’t want his daughter to see us as a couple. I find it hard to express it without sounding nuts. He’s very affectionate and chatty towards her but he sees her frequently anyway I don’t get why he can’t act normal with me
Sorry to hear you are going through this too, yes ditto I'm not looking for big PDA's just the same a touch on the arm or something. I'm very respectful of their time and do my own thing a lot I'm not pouting looking for attention by any means - they know the situation so I'm just not sure why he changes so much, it's a complete withdrawal which wouldnt matter if we didnt live together, maybe that's the answer. Thanks again I appreciate the replies Flowers
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/08/2021 17:11

I was totally ignored by all of them at times

Why on earth didn't you kick him out after that? It's your house ffs and he's ignoring you? No way would I put up with that.

Original poster
Ripley1977 · 01/08/2021 18:43

Now you've said it I'm also wondering why !

OP posts:
Original poster
Ripley1977 · 01/08/2021 18:44

@Aquamarine1029

It's ok to admit this doesn't work for you. If this isn't how you want to live, I certainly wouldn't, not in my own bloody house, end it.
I think you're right.
OP posts:
southern82 · 01/08/2021 19:06

My Ex H used to do the same! It used to drive me nuts. I wasn't comfortable in my own home. His son used to ignore me too and treated me like I shouldn't have been there. I couldn't put up with it any longer! Currently divorcing him!

bigbaggyeyes · 01/08/2021 19:28

I'd be having a really hard conversation with him, spelling out to him that it's completely unacceptable. Give yourself a time limit and if he doesn't sort his shit out then he leaves. I'd hate to feel so uncomfortable in my own house

MsDogLady · 01/08/2021 21:33

Ripley, you did not sign up to be marginalized and treated as an acquaintance by your Partner in your own home. I would give him one more chance to stop diminishing you, but if he continues the distancing act, you would be wise to end the relationship.

5togo · 01/08/2021 21:36

No, that’s not right. You shouldn’t be invisible in your own home. I don’t think you should tolerate that for another weekend.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 01/08/2021 21:38

Is it like emotional intelligence? Like he struggles to navigate his two worlds colliding?

Not ok though, he has to be ok with it in his own head. He’s taking out guilt he feels on you. It’s unresolved

Fwiw partner of five years has never done this and is normal with me, whether DSS is here or not so I don’t agree with others that this is par for the step parenting course.

LionSGuard · 01/08/2021 22:58

Oh ignore the two ridiculous poster's above. You didn't "sign up" for this.

Children come first but that doesn't have to mean you get ignored and your partner is moody with you in the run up to his kids coming. Honest to God people will spout the same all rubbish no matter what the situation. It's like they don't even read the thread, see it's a step parent posting and just copy and paste the same old tripe.

And no it's not "all about your feelings" but obviously you're the one posting so what do they expect? You're allowed to have your own feelings and to ask advice on those feelings same as anyone else who posts here.

OP you need to speak to him again. Yes it's hard for the kids, yes it's hard for him, but as much as you chose to be with him, he chose to be with you and he shouldn't be treating you like that.

If a parent can't treat their partner with basic respect then they shouldn't be getting into a new relationship, it isn't all on the new partner!

You shouldn't be made to feel invisible and ignored in your home. I am a step mum, for years now, and my husband has never once made me feel ignored or invisible and he's still managed just fine to be a parent to his kids. It's absolutely not par for the course.

InteriorDesignHell · 02/08/2021 08:19

What does he say if you gently point out he is modelling relationships for his kids, and that they'll think it's normal to treat your partner like they don't exist?
That they will be confused, "Why is Daddy with OP when he doesn't seem to like her at all?"
You're not asking for tongues down throats or anything, just U certificate affection in front of the kids!

LatentPhase · 02/08/2021 09:45

Agree, this is not a necessary aspect of step parenting, this is unresolved stuff for him, not being able to emotionally integrate his past and his present. You’re all his present, you and his kids. Time for him to get his head round it, process the guilt and loss. I think many men (and women) are unable to muster up the emotional grit to process the end of a marriage and a new reality. On the outside they maybe have a new house, new partner, but on the inside they are quite unresolved and therefore cope by compartmentalising. Or by not parenting the kids. Either way, these parents are not ‘fully showing up’ in their relationships. Merely papering over cracks.

Anyway, moot point. You did not sign up to this, OP. Your feelings are valid.

If he can’t figure this out I would give him the space, by which I mean end the relationship. As you aren’t getting him fully. It’s a part time relationship when you live together full time.

No more. This stuff is really hard. Flowers