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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationships and BPD

40 replies

Boopeedoop · 31/07/2021 00:46

Is anyone on here in a relationship with someone with BPD?

Can these relationships ever be successful?

Can people with BPD recover?

My daughter was in a relationship with someone who turns out to have BPD.

It's worrying. They moved in together and he spiraled very quickly.

I'm so proud of her for walking away, but he's basically said he will stalk her until she gets a restraining order, like he did to his last girlfriend.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 31/07/2021 00:48

What is BPD?

Honeyroar · 31/07/2021 00:49

Oh sorry, bi polar?
My friend is. If he takes his meds all is well, if he doesn’t it’s awful. She caries the relationship to a large extent.

Honeyroar · 31/07/2021 00:50

I hope your daughter is ok. Has she involved the police?

Original poster
Boopeedoop · 31/07/2021 00:53

Borderline personality disorder. Related to childhood trauma.

He's only on antidepressants.

Yes she involved the police immediately, he accepted a caution.

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 31/07/2021 01:07

No they don't recover, its a personality disorder - its part of who they are. It can be managed in cases to a point but only if they work hard and engage with medication and treatment - if they can find a combination that works for them. BPD is complex and you can see them struggle with the battle in their minds. Its a condition I wouldn't wish on anyone. The happiness of everyone close to them depends on their mood at any given time. Consistency and stability can be difficult. Once the mask drops in private it can be quite startling to see. I've found those with BPD are always in conflict with someone - in my case a different drama daily. She's done well to walk away, its so difficult

Strikethrough · 31/07/2021 01:32

No, no one can "recover" from a personality disorder. It is part of who they are.

There are very few, if any, effective treatment options for PDs. PDs are often comorbid with other conditions, so in this case I would imagine he has also been diagnosed with depression (quite common with BPD) and the antidepressants will be to treat that, not for the BPD itself.

Your daughter has done incredibly well to break away relatively quickly. Contact Paladin for advice on stalking. What did the police advise?

Help her do whatever she can to stay away from him, zero contact. He will use anything he can to get back "in" with her.

Original poster
Boopeedoop · 31/07/2021 01:45

@Strikethrough

Thank you for the info about paladin. We hadn't heard of that.

Police haven't advised much but cautioned him after she made the complaint.

He's contacted her supervisor at work, asking them to "take care of her, make sure she is ok"

I went mental at him and he is currently behaving.

He has no relationship with his own family, it's just me and my daughter. So I'm trying to find avenues of help to try and get some form of emotional support in place to make the final break safer. (division of assets etc). She won't be going back. I'm in awe of her strength. I think she's amazing!

OP posts:
Keepingthingsinteresting · 31/07/2021 01:59

Your daughter has done brilliantly OP, you’ve done a great job raising her,

Sadly he is unlikely to let it go at that. I’d suggest getting in touch with a lawyer who can help with a non- molestation order, you may not need it right away, but I suspect you will at some point so it’s best to be ready. Keep everything formal and arms length as possible, don’t meet up with him and she certainly shouldn’t be alone with him. Finally don’t be worried about reporting further misbehaviour to the police- it can take a while to act so delay is not your friend.

Second Paladin but also see women’s aid.

Hope you are both ok.

gonnabeok · 31/07/2021 06:32

Your dd did well. I was in a relationship with someone with the same. After 18 months the mask slipped and if I had known earlier I would never have got involved with them..Yes, they are never wrong. Tell your dd to get the Hollie Guard app

Umberellatheweatha · 31/07/2021 15:30

People tend to be a lot more...forgiving of bpd manupulation than that from the other cluster b personality disorders psychopathy, sociopathy and npd. Perhaps because bpd sufferers are also more likely to be hurting themselves. But as far as I'm concerned, especially if my daughter was at risk, I would tell my kid to look out for herself. Have no sympathy for him. Theres no excuse for manipulation and abuse. No excuse for threats or stalking.

Best idea is not to seek to compromise. His sort take kindness and compromise as weakness and they charge at weakness like a bull does a red flag.
So dont be slow to contact the police again if need be. Eg, if he contacts your daughters work. Dint go they nicely nicely back off slowly route. Just get her out fast and have her cut contact. Do any division of assets though a lawyer if need be (eg: if the house is bought). But mostly, it's just stuff, I wouldn't bother fighting for it. Freedom is more important and stuff would only be used by him to manipulate her further. If she can let it go, she would be wise.

Umberellatheweatha · 31/07/2021 15:32

*don't go the nicey nicey

SixesAndEights · 31/07/2021 15:41

@Boopeedoop

Is anyone on here in a relationship with someone with BPD?

Can these relationships ever be successful?

Can people with BPD recover?

My daughter was in a relationship with someone who turns out to have BPD.

It's worrying. They moved in together and he spiraled very quickly.

I'm so proud of her for walking away, but he's basically said he will stalk her until she gets a restraining order, like he did to his last girlfriend.

Yes, of course relationships can be successful, no they can't recover but they can with help manage their symptoms. As people with BPD (or EUPD as it's becomeing more regularly called) get older it usually becomes more manageable.

he's basically said he will stalk her until she gets a restraining order, like he did to his last girlfriend

That's not BPD that's him being a cunt.

SarahDarah · 01/08/2021 00:42

Depends on the definition of "successful". Perhaps yes for the person with BPD if they find someone who puts up with their challenging behaviour. The problem is the way it manifests means it's normally a toxic/unhealthy relationship for the other person.

Perhaps he can find someone else with BPD who manages their symptoms well and she may be a better match for him but I'd be telling your daughter to keep well away and ensure she's somewhere safe.

Original poster
Boopeedoop · 02/08/2021 18:49

Thank you all.

Yes he's currently hounding me 24/7 but at least it's not her. He's trying to convince me he's going to be the perfect boyfriend.

She does not want him back. She never wants to see him again.

But she is scared he will kill himself and doesn't want responsibility for that.

OP posts:
fantastaballs · 02/08/2021 18:59

My 25yo daughter has EUBPD. It's exhausting. Our lives are rolled by her and her frame of mind on any given day. She really needs some intensive counselling and therapy but never engages. We tread on eggshells around her ALL THE TIME. Since she has become a (wonderful) mum our biggest fear is that she will stop us seeing our Gd. So we are walking a tight rope 24-7. We can't do right for doing wrong and she will STILL lash out at me for anything and everything. It's always a drama.

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 19:13

Nobody can recover from their personality.

It's cluster b. Along with psychopathy and narcissism. The only relationship advice here is 'don't.'

Why do you want to know if he can recover? If your daughter isn't with him, it doesn't matter to you any more, does it?

But she is scared he will kill himself and doesn't want responsibility for that

He has successfully zoned in on some vulnerability of hers and is continuing to keep her in the victim position, even though they are not together. He is maintaining control. Rather than focusing on whether he can recover, focus on your daughter getting closure. Tell him you'll call the police if he keeps harassing you. Follow through.

litterbird · 02/08/2021 19:44

Well done to your daughter and yourself for her walking away as quickly as she did. My daughter was 19 when she got involved with a similar man. I had had an experience with a man diagnosed with BPD and saw the similarities. BPD, in my experience, became out of control when the abandonment happens as with your daughter when she walked away. My daughters boyfriend threatened to kill himself, kept texting and calling etc etc. It really unbalanced my daughter as I expect it has yours. Keep strong, keep all texts and messages sent on paper or email . He will reduce the contact when he goes to his next victim. Unfortunately they seem to always send the odd message now and again.....my BPD ex sent me an email just 2 days ago after I walked away 15 years ago professing his love still.

Blueshoess · 02/08/2021 20:21

Wow I really hope nobody with the diagnosis of BPD reads this thread, how awful and shows the stigma attached to the label.

BPD is a result of childhood trauma, it’s an unhelpful label. Imagine fighting through trauma as a child and then having society believe your personality is the problem and you’ll never be cured. So sad. Those with attachment difficulties can overcome them with healthy and safe boundaries, therapeutic relationships through psychotherapy and DBT

Though in regards to OP’s situation - I agree there is no excuse for this behaviour, childhood trauma or not and actually by your daughter setting a clear firm boundaries will be helpful for him even if it’s painful. Sometimes, those with attachment difficulties can become really distressed at perceived or real rejection and might threaten harm to themselves to test their hypothesis that nobody cares/am I worthy? It’s really sad but not an excuse to stay.

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 20:25

your daughter setting a clear firm boundaries will be helpful for him even if it’s painful

As a victim of abuse by him, I doubt that OP's daughter's priority is, and nor should it be, being helpful to him.

Original poster
Boopeedoop · 10/08/2021 02:54

Well, the stalking has started. Although he seems to forget she can track his location via phone (she had his permission while in the relationship) but he wasn't able to track her, so he didn't find her.

Calling the police in the morning.

OP posts:
BeeOnADandelion · 10/08/2021 03:24

But she is scared he will kill himself and doesn't want responsibility for that.

She is not nor ever will be responsible for that. It's 100% on him.

Why are you trying to get him help? Is he trying to get himself help? You won't be able to because the level of emotional support wanted (yes I do mean wanted , I knew a couple of people with it who were very reluctant to take any responsibility for their own emotional state, the only support they were willing to engage with was that of someone constantly available to listen to their drama and reassuring them non stop) by someone with BPD is far greater than anyone can give. Even mental health professionals working with them have to set firm boundaries around their availability. At the moment, because you appear sympathetic and trying to find him help, he thinks he can use you to manipulate her into taking him back. If you found him gold plated help he wouldn't want it. If he wanted it he'd be seeking it himself. All he wants is for you to persuade her to get back with him. You should cut contact too.

Original poster
Boopeedoop · 10/08/2021 03:41

@BeeOnADandelion, you are 100% correct. Totally what he has been doing.

You will see via my last post his behaviour has escalated and the police will be involved.

Thank you for posting, you really summed him up.

OP posts:
MaxiPaddy · 10/08/2021 03:44

Glad to see all the hate for people with an incurable PD that was brought on through horrible childhood trauma that by definition they could not deal with, so disconnected and never leaned to process emotions.

Personally, I was raped every night from 7-13 by my father and now am a recluse who only sees my mother and leaves the house for shopping, but I'm sure I'm a terrible person for getting overly emotional about some things, like, you know, this.

Fuckers.

TheFoundations · 10/08/2021 06:07

@MaxiPaddy

Fuckers

I have every sympathy for your experiences, but being abusive really doesn't help your cause. Being overly emotional isn't the problem with BPD that people struggle to deal with. It's being abusive.

strawberrydonuts · 10/08/2021 06:34

Relationships with people with BPD can be very challenging.

It can be improved by the person acknowledging the diagnosis and doing everything they can to seek support and learn how to manage their symptoms. This can take a very long time and a lot of work, so they have to be ready and committed.

If they can achieve this then there's no reason they can't have a normal relationship, but it's all in the management of it, and of course they can relapse. The partner also needs to be extremely patient and understanding and many aren't able to provide the kind of support that people with BPD need.

Many people sadly just aren't able to manage their symptoms or even acknowledge the diagnosis.

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