Relationships and BPD

[Boopeedoop]

Is anyone on here in a relationship with someone with BPD?

Can these relationships ever be successful?

Can people with BPD recover?

My daughter was in a relationship with someone who turns out to have BPD.

It's worrying. They moved in together and he spiraled very quickly.

I'm so proud of her for walking away, but he's basically said he will stalk her until she gets a restraining order, like he did to his last girlfriend.

@MaxiPaddy except this guy is now abusing and traumatising the OP's daughter. No amount of childhood trauma makes that behaviour ok. Stalking is a crime for a reason - because of the hell it puts its victim's through.

I have something similar, a personality disorder. It's not one that means I want intense relationships with people (although obviously not everyone with BPD or EUPD have that, everyone is different).

I know people have become angry on this thread and said that they hope no one reads this well.....I'm going to disagree with that. Ive read it and I feel really sad. Sad because due to how I am I've treated some people absolutely appallingly.

I'm treated now and under a specialist mental health team probably for the rest of my life, but I'm so ashamed of what I've done in the past. I made an ex's life pure hell, and my DHs as well before everything came to a crisis point and I was diagnosed and treated. I'm lucky I have him and that he didn't walk away. I wouldn't have blamed him if he had. He still has very difficult times with me but things are better now. I also have a friend who ended up in the firing line of what was going on and I almost broke them too.

I've since spoken and deeply apologised to my ex although neither of us would ever want even a friendship but we are cordial on the rare times we have had to see each other or talk.

It's bloody difficult OP and your DD has done the right thing. Do what you need to do, involve the police if she is in any way unsafe.

Yes there is a stigma and it would be better if there was a more widespread understanding of how this sort of thing happens, as it is due to childhood trauma.... But that wouldn't excuse violence and trauma given to other people as a result. To me, when I've hurt people it makes me feel worse - the person who abused me, is then making me hurt others and so in my mind it feels like they are still spreading their abuse and poison from the grave.

I've done some absolutely horrible things to people and no, it wasn't my "fault" as it's not my fault there's something wrong with me and I act the way I do. But it's also not ok, and OP has every right to do whatever she and her daughter needs to do to keep safe.

I don't mind reading what anyone has written, and being called "fuckers" well... That wasn't needed.

[quote TheFoundations]@MaxiPaddy

Fuckers

I have every sympathy for your experiences, but being abusive really doesn't help your cause. Being overly emotional isn't the problem with BPD that people struggle to deal with. It's being abusive.[/quote]
And the things people have said about people with BPD on here and on this board isn't abusive?

I agree, this guy is a psycho and I'm glad the OP's daughter got away, but you can only hear how many times what an awful human being you are before you would become bitter, too.

@MaxiPaddy

Noboday has said you are an awful human being. I'm sure you're very nice. But you don't come across well if you're calling strangers 'fuckers'. You come across just as badly as the people you're criticising.

[quote TheFoundations]@MaxiPaddy

Noboday has said you are an awful human being. I'm sure you're very nice. But you don't come across well if you're calling strangers 'fuckers'. You come across just as badly as the people you're criticising.[/quote]
You're right, I was wrong to say, and was hurt.

If anyone talked about autistic people in the same way they talked about people with BPD (not in content, just in general tone), there would be screams you could hear across the Atlantic. But because there are some assholes who make people miserable (and a few like me who lose their temper when they get their feelings hurt) it's okay to treat us all like garbage.

@MaxiPaddy

Thank you.

@Boopeedoop

Well, the stalking has started. Although he seems to forget she can track his location via phone (she had his permission while in the relationship) but he wasn't able to track her, so he didn't find her.

Calling the police in the morning.

Sorry to hear this but not unusual. Keep your wits about you and your daughter. The stalking from my ex BPD partner continued for sometime. I didn't get the police involved but so wish I had at the time.

@MaxiPaddy if youre upset about what people have said about BPD, then I'm upset how you've just used the word "psycho" considering that's very derogatory for those of us who genuinely struggle and suffer with psychosis.

You can't go on about acceptance for what you have and that you don't like what people have said that you don't like, and then use that word like that. I'd expect more respect towards other mental illnesses, from someone who struggles themselves.

@MaxiPaddy

[quote TheFoundations]@MaxiPaddy

Fuckers

I have every sympathy for your experiences, but being abusive really doesn't help your cause. Being overly emotional isn't the problem with BPD that people struggle to deal with. It's being abusive.[/quote]
Sweeping generalisation there typical of those who think all people diagnosed with a particular disorder are the same.

@SixesAndEights

There's no generalisation. I said that what people struggle with is abuse. I didn't say all people with BPD are abusers.

Any thread on BPD always descends into this.

The bottom line is that BPD is characterised by emotional dysregulation and frantic efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment which, if not managed, can absolutely manifest as abusive behaviours.

Sorry, but it’s the truth. No one needs to tolerate abuse from any other person, regardless of the reason for them behaving in that way.

@MaxiPaddy

Glad to see all the hate for people with an incurable PD that was brought on through horrible childhood trauma that by definition they could not deal with, so disconnected and never leaned to process emotions.

Personally, I was raped every night from 7-13 by my father and now am a recluse who only sees my mother and leaves the house for shopping, but I'm sure I'm a terrible person for getting overly emotional about some things, like, you know, this.

Fuckers.

Of course you're not a terrible person for getting emotional about something. I'm sorry for what happened to you, that's a terrible thing to have gone through . However, if your emotional state leads you to behave in a bad manner towards others, that is totally on you (although there's no indication from your post that that happens with you). A person's emotions are their own responsibility to deal with, however difficult that may be. That's not "hate", it's fact. A person's behaviour is their own responsibility too. That's not "hate" either, it's the truth.

The man the OP is involved with here deserves no sympathy for his actions and he shouldn't expect someone else to be responsible for his own emotions either. I think the OP has made it clear she's sympathetic to his awful experiences in the past. Being sympathetic for what someone has gone through doesn't mean one can't also condemn that same person's bad behaviour.

Noone is saying that people with BPD don't deserve sympathy and support. However, the fact is people with PDs are really, really hard to live with. Most people simply can't engage with therapies consistently enough to have a lasting impact on their disordered personality.

My sister has BPD. She has unfortunately always been a complete nightmare to live with. I feel sorry for her as I know she hates the way she is, but I am bloody glad I don't have to live with her or even near her.