Has anyone’s relationship failed because of their DC?

[AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters]

I really don’t know what to do. I am divorced with two DDs who are 12 and 15. I have been seeing someone for three years. He is lovely, kind, supportive, funny and I have never felt so happy with anyone. But DD2 hates the fact I’m with him and says she hates him and his daughter. She can be very moody and difficult about things but I feel I have reached my limit with it and I think the only way I can stop this is to end things. She is extremely stubborn and always has been so I can’t imagine what could make her see things in a different way, I really don’t want to, but DP and I have spoken about marriage about there is no way I can even think about that. I don’t know where we go from here. I feel heartbroken and helpless. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Just keep things as they are. When they go to their dads, you do what you want. Friends of mine did this for 10 years and got married once all kids had left home/gone to Uni. To be honest the kids were fine by then anyway. Kids will bin you off when you are older anyway. Be lucky to get a half hour visit a week unless then want something.

After my DMs divorce she started dating a wonderful man. He was kind and loving and adored my mother. However my sister was 13/14 when they got together and she treated him like poo at the bottom of her shoe. And he always was so kind and giving towards her but she wasn’t having it. She ran him away eventually of course. And finally the truth comes out that she didn’t want to share my moms attention with anyone else. It was so selfish of her and I was so angry because to me our mother’s happiness should’ve come first especially since he was such a great guy.

This was also the reason i ended it with my ex - his daughter didn’t like me and sharing attention with her father and she wanted her parents to get back together.

So your daughter is probably feeling the same way. I say as long as he’s kind to her then stay together but you may have to live apart until she gets over it (my sister got her first boyfriend and after that she didn’t care who my mom dated anymore 😂)

She's being manipulative so don't fall for it. She is at a difficult tweenager age and I've no doubt this change in her surroundings, divorce, new relationship and hormones is playing havoc with her emotions. It's a lot to cope with at 12 and she wants the only real stability (you) in her life to remain accessible. She thinks she may lose you and is doing everything to keep you with her and things the same.

She is clearly torn between these emotions and your happiness. Just carry on as you have been, she will eventually come round but always be open to talk to and reassure her

Just keep on doing what you are doing. She will come round. Don't give up on happiness. In 3 years DD will be out enjoying a more independent life and you will be alone if you give in to this.

My Dad had a girlfriend we drove off as teenagers. We were hideous. But we felt really really threatened by this new person in our lives.
Had it been presented differently, with no mad rush to move in or have to see her every time we saw him, it may have gone differently.

Could you explore with your DD what she's worried about? Help her set some expectations over what might happen next in your relationship?

I think you need to sit down with your daughter and have a conversation. Since she doesn’t actually know him she doesn’t hate him, so she most likely doesn’t want the change your relationship may bring. But change is normal and something she should learn to embrace and accept for her own growth. You should manage her expectations - make it clear you are not going to finish with him because she is throwing a teenage tantrum. You are an adult and entitled to a relationship as much as anyone else and you can’t live your life purely reacting to appease irrational adolescent strops at significant cost to yourself. I think that sends her a terrible message that she can get what she wants purely by being unpleasant.

Ask her to be specific about what she hates about the situation (not what she hates about him) - hopefully she’ll raise things like she’s worried about them moving and you can reassure her that there are no plans for that. You sound like a great mum but there is no reason for you to sacrifice your own well-being and happiness.

Thank you for all the advice. I have spoken to my daughter this morning and we eventually got to the bottom of things, I think. She is worried about change and things happening more quickly than she is comfortable with. She says she can recognise he is a nice man who is kind and makes me happy. But she just isn’t ready for more. She also hasn’t been seeing as much of her dad lately as he has a new girlfriend. DP has joint custody so lives near his DD’s school - around 30 miles from us. I have explained to my DD that this can’t change. She seems to understand now. I hope. I will continue to take things slowly.

@Disneycharacter

Just keep on doing what you are doing. She will come round. Don't give up on happiness. In 3 years DD will be out enjoying a more independent life and you will be alone if you give in to this.

Agree with all of this. See DP when they're with their dad. Don't give up.

Crosspost with update. Good luck.

You sound like you are doing everything just right, well done

Seems like the catalyst is her dad being a prick once he got a new gf. In her eyes, if dad did it, so can mum. Possibly seeing /hearing horror stories from friends,other family members etc.

No matter what you say the fear will be there. Only Living through it will prove to her that you're always there . Acknowledge her feelings, and keep doing what you are. Going slowly, being there ,giving them your time. If he's really so amazing, the relationship will survive and blossom even if it's in drips and drabs for a few years while she grows up .

You sound like an awesome mum xxx

Aw that's good to hear. (That she confided in you not her dad's behaviour.)

Seems like the catalyst is her dad being a prick once he got a new gf. In her eyes, if dad did it, so can mum. Possibly seeing /hearing horror stories from friends,other family members etc.

This.

She's "losing" dad to a girlfriend and now it's looking like mum's got a proper boyfriend. She associating a partner being more involved with it being at her expense.

That’s a great update, well done OP. Before I read it I was going to comment as you had said she is polite and chatty with him when he’s at yours which is wonderful too. You sound like a great mum. Sounds like reassuring her that nothing is going to change for a long time has helped a lot. 12-15ish is such a tricky time, and you and your DP have the rest of your lives to be together. I had a similar experience as a child, and my mum handled it similarly to you- definitely no chance of him moving in whilst we were teenagers. They are still together and happy 30 years on.

I hope your daughter's dad stops being an arse and continues to keep time his children .

@SoundBar

Well of course she doesn't want to lose out on her mum's time and attention to some random man and his daughter much less move in together and have to share her personal space, mealtimes, leisure times, the bathroom, being told off by him, being forced to share with his DD, having you side against her with his DD...! why on earth would any child want that?

You are asking a lot of your DDs here. The impact on them is huge. You might want to spend some time thinking very seriously what things look like from DDs perspective, put yourself in their shoes. Do you remember being 12 or 15?

Can you not continue the relationship for yourself but hold off on moving in or forcing the DCs to play happy families until after DDs have gone to uni? only 6 or 7 years to go then you can have a lot more freedom.

100% this.

I doubt OP you'd be happy if a random man you didn't choose moved into your home right now and took over your personal space and the person you were closest to ! Yet so many parents put their kids in situations they wouldn't in a million years accept happening to themselves.

They didn't ask for their family to be split apart. It's diffcult enough for a child to be from a broken home. You're a parent first and foremost, you need to put them first - this is their home and it's utterly unfair to expect them to live with people they don't want to. You have all the time in the world to marry and live with someone else once they're adults.

Your updates sound really positive op. I think it sounds as though she is probably anxious (and maybe with his reason, given her father's behaviour) about what this relationship means for her but that doesn't mean that she should have the power to derail it - just that she needs to understand that you're not picking him over her.

@Didiusfalco

Do you have to ‘do’ anything? Can’t you just maintain the status quo? She is 12 but in a very short time she will be an adult. She will develop and change enormously over the next few years, you may find that the problem you have now disappears if you just stay calm and wait it out.

This.

You deserve to have a relationship & you can’t let a 12 year old dictate your life. Keep reassuring her you’ll always be there, but don’t give up on love with your DP. You could be together for life & it would be such a wasted chance.

My brother was like this when he was a kid (he was a very difficult boy and still is tbh many decades later).

His behaviour was utterly horrendous and it was purely down to jealousy.
In the end my mother ended the relationship with her boyfriend.

The irony is that although he got his own way, he left home and rarely had any contact with my mother anyway.

My advice is to not split up and stick with it. Your daughter is extremely selfish. She should be pleased that you are happy!!