Has anyone’s relationship failed because of their DC?

[AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters]

I really don’t know what to do. I am divorced with two DDs who are 12 and 15. I have been seeing someone for three years. He is lovely, kind, supportive, funny and I have never felt so happy with anyone. But DD2 hates the fact I’m with him and says she hates him and his daughter. She can be very moody and difficult about things but I feel I have reached my limit with it and I think the only way I can stop this is to end things. She is extremely stubborn and always has been so I can’t imagine what could make her see things in a different way, I really don’t want to, but DP and I have spoken about marriage about there is no way I can even think about that. I don’t know where we go from here. I feel heartbroken and helpless. Any advice would be much appreciated.

@CarnationCat that is what I worry will happen but I am hoping to find a way to improve things since I am so happy. My other DD, my family and friends all really like him.

I don’t think you should let your 12 year old control your life. How many people saying you should be alone and miserable to make her happy would equally say she should not get a boyfriend to make you happy? Everyone is entitled to a relationship.

@Llamasally I can honestly say I totally hated my step father from the get go. I was a similar age when we were introduced.
Regardless of my feelings they got married.
Thank fuck they did.
I was a stroppy teenager!
I wasn't going to be living at home forever and mum had her life to live!
I grew up and moved on and we became friends in the end.
Don't throw away your future happiness.
Tread carefully with your daughter but don't write your DP off 💐

Op don't you believe that you deserve to be happy? If there really isn't an explanation for your daughter hating him and she can't give a genuine answer as to why she feels the way she does then she's being really unreasonable.
I couldn't bare to be the reason my mum was lonely and sad

Difficult situation OP, you have my sympathies.

I'm not sure what your question is though?

I don’t know where we go from here

Clearly you can't get married as things are. But why is it marriage or bust? What's wrong with maintaining the status quo for a while?

Don't put her in the position where she feels she has the power to make you choose. That's a terrifying position for her at 12. You need to be the adult here, and I'd say a balance needs to be found. If she barely sees him and it's simply the concept of your having a boyfriend well, sorry, but that's tough luck.

What's her relationship with her father like?

@HotPenguin my mum was married to someone I hated between the ages of 9-12. I think that is why it is worrying me so much. My mum’s ex was extremely possessive with a temper and I was scared of him. But my DP is so kind and gentle. He would do anything for us. I’m so confused.

@PingedThroughTheWall I don’t want to get married now or even move in together. I’m in no rush. I suppose I am looking for advice on how to improve things. Or do I give up which would break my heart.

What improvement are you looking for?

TBH I don’t think there is a right or wrong here.

Your DD isn’t obliged to like this bloke, but equally you shouldn’t feel forced to stop seeing him, especially if she just declares that she hates him and won’t say a word to him.

If she genuinely doesn’t like him and there’s a reason, then she needs to tell you that reason so that you can talk about it, but at the moment she is behaving like a petulant brat, and I would tell her that you want to talk about it, but “I hate him” isn’t ok to say just “because”.

My DC severely dislikes my ex’s partner. But part of the reason for that was that she practically moved in from the outset, made her own daughter the centre of his world and insisted they were siblings now and they both got annoyed if the kids fell out, which is actually normal sibling behaviour… Later on she took to slagging me off on a regular basis.

DC spoke to ex about it, who dismissed their concerns entirely, got this woman pregnant and moved her in straightaway.

The upshot was that DC never stayed there again. Now ex admits that it all happened too soon, and even says that having another baby was a mistake.

But the difference here is that DC talked about his concerns, and they were just brushed off.

If your DD genuinely doesn’t like this man then she needs to tell you what the problem is so you can talk it through, and deal with it if necessary.

If there is a genuine reason why she hates this man, then perhaps the relationship is doomed, but if not then while you might not want to think about living together for now, she does have to realise that you are entitled to happiness as well, and she won’t always be there.

Do you have to ‘do’ anything? Can’t you just maintain the status quo? She is 12 but in a very short time she will be an adult. She will develop and change enormously over the next few years, you may find that the problem you have now disappears if you just stay calm and wait it out.

I don't see any reason to justify breaking up.
Things may improve if your daughter realises that.
At the moment she must sense that she holds a lot of power.
She doesn't like you having a partner, but we all have things we have to accept in life, whether we like them or not.

@PingedThroughTheWall even just acceptance. I don’t expect her to spend time with him. But she rolls her eyes and slams doors when I talk to him on the phone and asks me not to invite him over. She asked me to promise not to change my last name if I married him. She is perfectly polite and chatty when he is here.

My 9 yo DD said why can you wait another 9 years til I've left home. I just said that wasn't an option. I'd been single and celibate for 6 years and I was now ready to try again. She could accept my partner or there would be another one sooner or later but I wouldn't be single until she left home.

No one should have that power over someone else.

She's ok with him? Sounds like a teen offloading her worries and resentments on their mum, not unusual! Hear her out but it doesn't sound like there's a valid reason for dislike, not sure she actually does hate your partner from what you've said. I think you all need to spend more time together before he moves in though

@HeartsAndClubs She has never been able to tell me why other than that she is worried I will move away with him and leave her which I have reassured her I would never do. I spent loads of time with the kids - it’s literally dinner here once a week. He doesn’t stay over, unless very occasionally on the sofa.

As she has seen him and his daughter so little she clearly doesnt actually hate him.
Perhaps she hates the idea of him. Perhaps she is jealous of the attention you are giving him. Perhaps she is scared you will choose him over her. It's his job to win her over, that will be part of the package if your relationship continues. Doesnt sound like you have really tried that yet.

@Knackeredmommy he is not moving in here. As I said, I am taking things really slowly in the hope that helps

I think you might have to get comfortable with her lack of acceptance for the time being, and accept that yourself.

You can't make her accept the situation, no one on here can give you any magic words to say that will change her position overnight. Assuming it's you having a partner that's the issue, and nothing specific about him she "hates", you aren't being at all unreasonable continuing as things are imo.

What's the situation with her dad? Does he have anyone else? Do DD see him regularly?

Ok,maybe more time together is needed, so she gets used to him around and you can see if it can work. I think children, especially girls in my experience just don't like the idea of mums having a life!

How long are you separated from dd's Dad? She is still young and might think this man is holding you back from getting back with her Dad. She might need counselling to overcome this. It sounds to me like it won't ever matter who your partner is, she won't like him. It's a tricky one, on one hand why should you deprive yourself of happiness as your DD's will grow bad move out but on the other your DD's happiness is very important too.

To be honest I think she needs some respect for her mother.
You have taken things slow. Are not forcing her to be around him let alone stay over etc and she's slamming doors coz your on the phone to what is clearly a close friend who you choose to have in your life. You are not just her mother.

My 14 year old dd can't be doing with my best friend. Her god mother in fact. To be honest she is full on and hard work ... but Dr still knows that it's fine if she wishes to opt out of activities and hide in her room but politeness costs nothing.

Any repeated Slamming of doors in my house results in the door being removed. I wouldent accept it off a bloke and I'm sure as shit not accepting it off a gobby kid.

At 12 they think they’re grown up but they’re still babies at heart. She’s scared of losing her mummy to someone else, but of course it’s not ‘cool’ for her to admit that, even to herself. So the part of her brain that’s already in teenage mode is defaulting to ‘hate’ without any reason that she would ever be able to name.

I wonder if perhaps, in your understandable desire not to rush things, you have perhaps taken things a little TOO slowly? If she and your DP are hardly ever in the house at the same time, and she’s only met his DD twice, she might well be freaking out about the idea that people who are virtually strangers to her appear likely to become her stepdad and SS in the not too distant future. (You say she’s mentioned you not taking his name if you marry, so either you’ve discussed with her the possibility of marrying your DP or, because your DD isn’t stupid, she knows it’s on the cards).

Her panic is completely understandable but you can’t be held to ransom by an almost-teenager’s moods. Can her older sister perhaps talk to her? If she’s pro-DP she might be able to talk some sense into the younger one. Meanwhile, I think little by little, your DP should be spending more time with you all, not less. And ideally (perhaps after the big sis chat!) making a special effort to reach out to her. Is there some hobby which they both enjoy? Which you and elder DD could also do at first, or some of the time, but very gradually back out of, allowing DP and younger DD to bond?

All this is assuming, of course, that you are certain you really do want a future with him, and aren’t perhaps subconsciously looking for some reason to sabotage it.

You seem to be taking her reaction to him as a personal thing - like it's all about him.
There must be so much whirling around in her mind about you, her dad, learning about relationships, etc etc etc.
You're the adult, you need to sit down and help her make sense of her feelings and put things in perspective and give her reassurance where she needs it.
You've decided she doesn't like him because you're projecting your dislike about your stepdad onto her. You've said it yourself he's nothing like that. But you seem set on taking her dislike at face value.
Maybe she needs to let loose some disappointment you're not with her dad (however justifiably). Who knows? Chat and listen and don't project onto her

My LTR broke up because my ex’s teenage children did not accept him being in a relationship. Just that. No rational explanation ever given. The older one ‘hated’ me, the younger one felt she had to follow suit. He ended the relationship as he felt he could not go against his children’s will.
My teenager’s attitude was different- she wasn’t overly keen on my ex but was mature enough to see that he was a good person and I had the right to be happy, too, and there are compromises to be made. She knew she wouldn’t stay with me forever, she’d be off focusing on her life soon. She found his children’s attitude possessive and controlling and could not understand why he’s accepting this dynamic.
My advice? If you feel your children’s needs override yours and you feel guilty about being in this relationship against their will - end it now and don’t waste this man’s time.

I don't think you should end your relationship. It sounds to me like your dd doesn't really know this man. She sees him as someone who may take you away - maybe because you mainly see him when she isn't there? As a relative unknown, he may seem like a threat, more so than if she actually knew him better. Would it help if he (with you) spent time doing things she likes with her - day out, cinema, whatever? So she can see he is a nice, fun person who is interested in her.

To me, putting your child first is right, but it doesn't mean denying yourself what you want. She might actually be terrified to find she had so much power she could break up your relationship. And even if not, she shouldn't be given that power. Instead you need to work out how to support her through her concerns. Don't let your own experience of a very different man influence you.