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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being too needy?

68 replies

Embarrazed · 30/07/2021 16:16

So I’ve been dating this guy for a while. We see each other once a week due to work etc. When he’s at work we still talk throughout the day, sometimes he doesn’t reply back to me quite early on in the day. I try not to be too pushy because know he’s been stressed and then maybe the next day he’s quite keen and we have phone calls. When we’re together everything is fine.

As I said I know he’s been stressed and quite sad really so I got him a surprise. He’s busy these next few weeks with family commitments etc so I told him about the present this morning. He just said something so bland like cute. Nothing else. He’s obviously ignored me as he’s been online basically all day at work. We don’t have to talk all day but not even a thank you or making an effort after my thoughtful gift. I think is quite rude. Am I being needy?

OP posts:
litterbird · 30/07/2021 16:34

Back right off with the checking if he is on line. You are clearly very interested and all this checking and making sure he has replied to you will feed into insecurities. He is probably starting to feel smothered as I would be. Dont text, check up on him and step right away. Get on with your life and wait for him to step up and come forward. The gift was a nice idea but if he is busy and stressed at work he hasn't got the time to issue big grandiose thank you's right now. He probably wants to do it when he sees you.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2021 16:34

@Embarrazed

As well he knew he made plans for the next two weeks. And didn’t bother coming on his day off. He obviously doesn’t want to spend time with me. I feel like such an idiot.

I want to be with someone who isn’t okay not seeing me for 3 weeks.

I'm sorry, op. That's hurtful. I really think you need accept the fact that this is over. He just doesn't seem to be bothered. Break it off today and move on with your life.
Original poster
Embarrazed · 30/07/2021 16:36

It’s so weird aswel because he told me he missed me. He has plans for the next two weeks and he would try get down to see me. I haven’t even mentioned it to him

OP posts:
clickychicky · 30/07/2021 16:37

Oh I'm sorry OP. Yes you deserve better than that.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2021 16:37

Men "say" all kinds of daft shit. Believe his actions.

thisgardenlife · 30/07/2021 16:38

@Embarrazed

As well he knew he made plans for the next two weeks. And didn’t bother coming on his day off. He obviously doesn’t want to spend time with me. I feel like such an idiot.

I want to be with someone who isn’t okay not seeing me for 3 weeks.

I think you are right to feel ' I want to be with someone who isn’t okay not seeing me for 3 weeks.' That person is out there but you won't find them as long as you're hanging on to this once-a-week relationship. That's not actually a relationship.

If it was me I'd end it. I'm afraid it's going nowhere and is not good for your self esteem.

Fustyoldface · 30/07/2021 16:41

You’re being needy because it’s not meeting your needs, you’re reacting to that not an online status. That’s just a symptom. Trust your gut and find someone excited to be with you.

Original poster
Embarrazed · 30/07/2021 16:43

Its so confusing because sometimes he’s all over me, and we will talk all day. Then stuff like now.... it

OP posts:
GertietheGherkin · 30/07/2021 16:43

I can be logged into several tabs online, it doesn't mean that I'm always physically online. I flit between various sites to do with work, social, shopping... You must be online to know that he's online though.
Seeing you once a week and staying over doesn't sound like much of a relationship to be honest. Are you sure he's not seeing other people too?
I guess if you're feeling a you need a bit more input from him it may be worth mentioning it and see what his response is. If he's ok with things as they are, then maybe you'll have to call it a day, or just accept that's it's as good as it's going to get.

Original poster
Embarrazed · 30/07/2021 16:45

He’s told me he’s not seeing any one else. He said he’s focused on us... it’s so confusing because when we’re together I get carried away into thinking this is something good. Just last week he said I seem like I’m not into it? God why is he like this

OP posts:
thisgardenlife · 30/07/2021 16:49

Do you ever go over to his place?
Does he ever take you out on a date?
Have you met his family?
Have you spent time as a couple with his friends? Our even your friends? Like at weekends, that would be normal in a relationship.
Seeing you once a week at your place where he stays over seems a little one-sided.

Fustyoldface · 30/07/2021 16:50

Op how long have you been together and why is it just once a week?

Original poster
Embarrazed · 30/07/2021 16:51

We do go out on dates, I have been to his place a couple of times, and met his family and friends etc. It does seem one sided. I don’t even know how to bring this up or even bring it up. I should be able to talk to him about anything but I know he will say I’m causing drama

OP posts:
Original poster
Embarrazed · 30/07/2021 16:52

I have my daughter who usually goes to her dads once a week overnight so we choose to spend that day together. Much easier as he lives the next town over.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2021 16:54

I think the real reason you're upset isn't about the gift, it's because you know something isn't right about this relationship. If he actually says to you that you're causing drama if you needbto talk something out, FUCK HIM. This will not be getting any better.

Honestly, NEXT.

Original poster
Embarrazed · 30/07/2021 16:57

It’s because last week I was upset about something. You’re right I shouldn’t be on eggshells unable to talk to him

OP posts:
sunnyzweibrucken · 30/07/2021 17:01

IME when the communication changes/slows down especially early in a relationship it means that person is doing the slow fade and is losing/lost interest.

crimsonlake · 30/07/2021 17:05

Do you work yourself? You need to keep busy, stop over analyzing and get on with your own life.

Original poster
Embarrazed · 30/07/2021 17:05

I am working and at uni at the same time. It’s just something feels off and my anxiety has been through the roof

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2021 17:08

@Embarrazed

I am working and at uni at the same time. It’s just something feels off and my anxiety has been through the roof
It feels that way because it is. I implore you to stop ignoring your guy feels. Why would you do this to yourself? Your anxiety comes from your mind knowing you need to exit this relationship. Just do it already.
Fustyoldface · 30/07/2021 17:09

Oh here come the get a life posters. Op go with your gut, all of this is because it’s not right, you’re sort of pulling towards him the more he pulls away, it’s a classic. Get out now as it just gets more tedious.

MouseTrapp · 30/07/2021 17:20

I understand where you're coming from OP. He seems to be withdrawing, not very invested in the relationship and blowing hot and cold. I think your set-up sounds right- seeing someone once a week because you have your dd the rest of the time IS a relationship, particularly if you chat in-between times. It's just the practicalities of relationships as a single working parent.

I would step right back. It doesn't sound like you're going to get a straight answer from him. Busy yourself with other things, maybe think about dating other people. If you keep contacting him he's just going to retreat further. If he comes back and this is just a short term stress/summer holidays thing then maybe keep seeing him. But if he's keeping you as a kind of option, to blow hot and cold with, then you're better off moving on.

Original poster
Embarrazed · 30/07/2021 17:40

I brought it up and he basically said he is busy. And will see me when he’s next available. I said it’s very telling that he’s fine with that Sad

OP posts:
Fustyoldface · 30/07/2021 17:49

Op just back off now, how long have you been together? If you knew you weren’t seeing each other for weeks you’d go for a meal or meet up and do something nice, come on you know he’s being a cold fish. Leave him to it.

YeokensYegg · 30/07/2021 17:52

Don't contact him anymore.
Men lie a lot.
His actions don't match his words.

Line yourself up a few dates while he's gone.

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