How to get over not having more kids

[Hakunamatata27]

As the title says really. We have had numerous discussions about it,so I know I'm definitely not going to change his mind. I know I'm extremely lucky and very grateful to have 2 happy, healthy children already but I feel like somebody is missing who should be here. Husband disagrees, and said to me last night that it makes him miserable when we talk about it. As I said, I know I won't change his mind, but I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with it. Does the feeling ever go away? I'm hoping I don't feel like this forever because apart from this we're best friends, and don't want our relationship to suffer. Any advice how to get past it?

What exactly is it that a 3rd child would add to your life that your existing 2 children don't already provide?

I feel the same.

I found it’s helped starting to give away baby stuff to good causes

How old are your 2 children at the moment?

Thanks for the replies. I have a 5 and 3 year old at the moment. We have the space for another (a spare bedroom) and could easily afford it. Hubby just feels we wouldn't be able to emotionally provide enough time to each of them independently. Which I disagree with.
I don't really know my reasons for wanting another! Which sounds dreadful but by that I mean it's everything rolled into one. I would love to see all the kids play when they're young, grow together, watch them interact and be able to celebrate a variety of their successes as they grow up. I've always simply wanted 3, and I made no secret of this from the very beginning. Until recently I thought we were on the same page about it and now I feel completely stuck - one of us has to make a sacrifice we're not willing to make.

I have given away all our baby stuff in the hope it would ease the feeling a bit by not knowing it was still around somewhere
I am willing to give up the idea of having another, even though I really don't want to. It's just how to get over the longing that I don't know how to deal with

I honestly feel the same way: with kids the same age.

I’ve decided when my are 8 and 6, I may look into fostering younger children or maybe even adoption.

I would absolutely consider fostering or adoption! Unfortunately husband is against any more kids full stop, regardless of how they got here (our child, fostering or adoption) :(

I want three too OP, I'm only on one at the moment though

Maybe in a couple more years you could revisit the conversation? Are things particularly hard with the little ones at the moment? Are they sleeping?

I felt v broody after my second (and am pretty sure I would have done after a 3rd/4th.. etc)

For me it went when my youngest started school and our summer holidays were fantastc that I realised I really had moved past the baby stage. Now mine are older I am genuinely so relieved I have 2 as it is much much better for the life we want to live (even theme park tickets/premier inn/sxhool uniform/shoes etc all really add up) and we aren't limited in the ways those with a wide span of ages or interests are.

I am so so grateful we stuck at 2 (in my case ill health would have made 3 difficult) but can still remember the intense broodiness. Even now I will coo over a baby, but I am grateful for the family we've got.

Don't let this become the focus instead of spending time and energy with your children.

We had the opposite situation in our family, DH would've happily had more children I felt done at two.
I felt it was a bone of contention for a while but we both love each other and what we have.
Neither of you are in the wrong here, are you one of three yourself? Is there anyone not directly emotionally involved you could talk this through with?

There is no guarantee you won't feel the same after a third child and want another. Not sure about giving the baby clothes away. Might make you feel worse. But I think folk can give as much attention to three. I agree with revisiting conversation in a year or two.

What is your situation with contraception? Is he going to have the snip only because if there is an accident he isn't going to believe you is he?

I explained to DH that although I was in agreement with no more and I was not trying to change his mind I did need his love and support whilst I grieved for the end of an era etc. He did eventually understand and gave me the cuddles I needed when I needed them.

We both get pangs now they are teens!!

My friend was desperate for a third, hubby wasn't. She eventually persuaded him and she found the third one very difficult to deal with. Small things she said like, only having two hands to help cross the road, the third one stood on their own. They had to buy a bigger car at a lot of cost, holidays were more expensive, there was always one that was sick from school or who had appointments/after school clubs and she was run ragged with 3. She does think life would have been easier with 2. The time she has with her husband has radically diminished and has put a huge strain on the marriage as he is now doing overtime to pay for the extra cost. So, think carefully before you embark on 3.

@RandomMess that's a beautiful way of expressing that.

Although I love my third Dc dearly and wouldn't change things for the world, I do wish I had stuck at 2.
With three you are permanently outnumbered. There is no guarantee they will all play together nicely- they might fight constantly. As pp has already said, you need a bigger car.
Holidays/ Days out cost more. When they get to be teens, you will be feeding a household of 5 adults- It is very expensive.
3 sets of school uniform, shoes, coats etc. This is cheaper in small sizes but very expensive when they're teens and in expensive secondary uniform/ adult sized shoes/coats.
Their tastes in clothing/ brands become more expensive. They all need mobile phones at high school age.
My advice is stop "grieving" and start seeing the positives in your current family.

Slightly different situation here, but had to come to term with not having another child when I so desperately wanted to. What helped was to find something else to become obsessed about and that for me was to sign up to running a half marathon when I could hardly run 10mns without being out of breath. I loved the challenge, having something to focus my attention on and slowly, the thoughts of the baby lessened. Then when I competed, I got such a buzz from it (after declaring never again!), that all I could think of was my next competition.

One day I woke, realising that I hadn't thought about a baby for days, but even more surprisingly, that the idea quite horrified me. All I could see was me putting on weight again, not being to run, sleepless nights, not time to train and welcome that 'me' time.

We were in exactly the same situation a year ago. And then I fell pregnant very unexpectedly (genuine accident, contraception failure) When I saw the positive test, I was devastated, mainly because I thought DH wouldn’t believe it was an accident and I didn’t want to bring another baby into the world without his full support.

To my big surprise, he was over the moon and sees it very much as a ‘it was meant to be!’ type situation. I’m now 35w and we are both so excited about having a third and it’s like the whole big conversation to stop at two never happened.

DH had a vasectomy when I was around 20w so we both know that this is definitely the last one and there is no chance of any more accidents.

Is it worth asking your DH how he would feel if you did fall pregnant? Would he consider having a vasectomy? Perhaps officially closing this chapter might be a way for you to start to move on?

You have my sympathies, I remember that horrible feeling when you just can’t align in your thinking yet you know neither one of you is right or wrong

I felt the same as you OP when my 2 were still small. I felt like there was a person missing. Now my DC’s are teens I still feel that way sometimes, as though they should have another sibling who isn’t there. I can’t really explain it. But it wasn’t meant to be. I just remember to be glad for the lovely DC’s I have got instead of sad at what might have been. I hope that doesn’t sound sanctimonious, it’s not meant to, but that’s just how I move on.

@Sleepinghyena

Although I love my third Dc dearly and wouldn't change things for the world, I do wish I had stuck at 2. With three you are permanently outnumbered. There is no guarantee they will all play together nicely- they might fight constantly. As pp has already said, you need a bigger car. Holidays/ Days out cost more. When they get to be teens, you will be feeding a household of 5 adults- It is very expensive. 3 sets of school uniform, shoes, coats etc. This is cheaper in small sizes but very expensive when they're teens and in expensive secondary uniform/ adult sized shoes/coats. Their tastes in clothing/ brands become more expensive. They all need mobile phones at high school age. My advice is stop "grieving" and start seeing the positives in your current family.

I'm confused - why would you need a bigger car with 3 kids? A normal car has 5 seats

There's no doubt 3 is more expensive than one, but most families cut their cloth to their means. The youngest one will have many hand me downs from older siblings, and things like phones, clothing brands etc need to be within what the family can easily afford across 3 kids. Kids don't need luxuries and no child should be spoilt regardless of how many siblings they have.

@SarahDarah

If all 3 are young, and need specific seats they often don’t fit in a normal sized car

Babysit other children, I forgot how relentless children of a younger age are, we've literally agreed to get DH booked in for the snip after 24 hours with my niece and nephew, as lovely as they are!!

I found out after one that more wouldn't be physically possible (biologically of course) then other things got in the way before other options could be considered. I was gutted at the time, but it passed much faster than I expected. And now I couldn't imagine life any other way. I am so fortunate to have one child - I'm very aware that lots of people don't even get that chance. I think it might help to concentrate on the exciting things you can plan with your two DC that you couldn't do if you were pregnant / had a baby in tow. Think of all the adventures you can have with them as they get bigger. Enjoy planning it together.

Somebody else has already said this but: it might help to try and identify and be honest with yourself about whether you’d feel this way no matter HOW many children you have. I think I am a person like that - I don’t doubt if i had 3, 4, the feeling would remain: I just love being pregnant, love newborn babies, adore toddlers. My DH is very much done at two; and so are lots of women. I don’t feel that way at all but I am also realistic that I probably wouldn’t feel that way if we had another either. Somebody has to compromise: I don’t want it to be me, but given the chances that it wouldn’t satisfy that yearning anyway, I am working on learning to live with that grief instead. Do you think you could do likewise?

I was in a similar situation and my DC are the same age as yours. What helped is watching my sister have a third - it can be a complete shit show when you have two other little DC. After being incredibly broody for a third, only ever wanting three (came from a family of three so I guess that has a lot to do with it?) I now shudder at the thought of another. Her life is so different to mine, that one extra child just tips the scales and she is run ragged. There's always someone bloody crying or wanting something. It's particularly hard on her middle child as she's spread so thin, he's never had much 1-1 attention and acts out in every way to get it. I do agree with your husband on that point and I do remember longing for more of my own mothers attention as a child. She was a great mother but there's only so much time to give.

Some people love all that chaos but I realised I really don't so what on earth was I longing for another child for? It's a illogical urge - ignore it as best you can and it will dissipate in time.

Borrow a 18 month to 2.5 year old for a long weekend...?