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Original poster

Moving in together!

44 replies

Kpod87 · 29/07/2021 20:33

Hi All,

Just wanted to vent and get some peoples perspectives if I’m being silly! I’m a single mum, 34, of DD who’s 10 (going up to high school in September). In a happy relationship with my OH who also has a DD aged 11 (one year ahead of mine). Everyone gets on great and it’s all really lovely.
There’s lots of talk about us moving in together in the very near future, initially moving into my rented home and looking for somewhere else for the future to buy.
I’m really struggling with the idea. I really want too but my last relationship was for 8 years and didn’t end too well, and I was financially dependant on them, had to uproot and start again.
Since I’ve become very possessive and controlling with my home, alone time and it just being us 2.
I feel really anxious about moving in together and it’s starting to show. As I can’t tolerate my OH making suggestions of how we can make it ‘our home’.
I’m really scared about things changing, and I do really trust and love my OH and I want a future together. I’m just being really possessive I know that. This is something I really want but I there’s still that niggling feeling in my head.
Has anyone got any tips on how I can ease myself into it? Am I being ridiculous. I’ve not verbalised this to anyone as feel I’m being really unappreciative.

Thanks in advance 😊

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 29/07/2021 20:39

What’s the rush? Why not continue with living separately, it’s clearly working for you and your DD. Many people manage happy relationships living apart , it may be that you reconsider in future but as I said no rush. Before you know it your DC will be up and away so enjoy the time with them now.

Bimblybomeyelash · 29/07/2021 20:43

How long have you been together?

DoingItMyself · 29/07/2021 20:45

Just don't do it. You are entitled to make that choice.

bedtimealready · 29/07/2021 20:48

I feel exactly the same OP.
My partner keeps saying that he can't wait to move into mine, but I'm baulking at the idea.
I'm going to have to tell him soon as the situation is making me really anxious.

ILoveShula · 29/07/2021 20:50

Then don't move in together. You could reconsider in the future.

Could you ask him to not rule it out, but to leave it for the moment. Two reasons that spring to mind are the Covid thing not having gone away, and your DD has a big change coming up soon.

Mardycustard123 · 29/07/2021 20:54

If your heart isn't in it then don't.

GroggyLegs · 29/07/2021 20:58

Would it be possible to rent somewhere new together for a while, and let your home?

I did this when I moved in with now DH - it gave me security in case we found out we couldn't live together, and it was a fresh chapter in 'our' home. When it was obvious we were going to be fine, we bought our existing house.

Obviously not for everyone - it depends if you own or rent at present & affording deposits etc.

shiningstar2 · 29/07/2021 21:20

At the moment you both have your own space. Also your dd's have their own space and down time with their own parent. Living together is very different. Does your partner's dd live with him or with her mother? If you live together will she still get down time with her dad on her own? Will your dd get time with you? Would the girls be happy living more closely together or do you think they get on because they don't have to be together all the time? Would both girls get equal bedroom space? Do you both have similar parenting styles?

You seem to have a good set up as you are op. It might work excellently well to move in together ...or it might not. A quick glance at the Step parenting boards can be very illuminating so I would take it slowly. Smile

category12 · 29/07/2021 21:30

If you're not ready to move in together, don't do it.

Blending families can be tough-going, so only make those moves when you're totally on board emotionally.

Maggiesfarm · 29/07/2021 21:33

You're not ready Kpod and I don't blame you. Take your time and do not let yourself be talked in to it.

There's nothing like having your own space.

You and boyfriend and your children can still enjoy yourselves without living together (maybe more so).

girlmom21 · 29/07/2021 21:33

Is it that you're not ready for your OH to move into your home, or that you're not ready to live with your OH full stop?

Would it be better to find somewhere to rent together so you don't feel like he's taking over your space?

If you're just not ready, talk to him. I'm sure he'd understand. Your reasons are very logical.

2me2u2u2me · 29/07/2021 21:38

If you’re not ready then don’t be pushed into it just to please him.

I was in the same situation with my OH, he wanted to move in together and I wouldn’t, I was happy with just me and my son and seeing OH at weekends, I loved it. It did get to a point where we both got fed up of not being together more so we made the move, we couldn’t be happier, it took five years though.

How long have you been together?

litterbird · 29/07/2021 21:56

Whatever you do, dont move in together yet. Your intuition is shouting at you as the form of anxiety. Blended families are notoriously difficult apparently. You have a lovely set up right now. Keep that going. Sometimes relationships dont have to follow what is considered the social norm, meet, fall in love, move in together blah blah. They can work equally well and maybe better with children from both sides if you are together living separately.

heyday · 29/07/2021 22:09

I think that voicing our feelings sometimes brings clarity. You love your OH, your DDs get on well.....why rock the boat and risk that happiness for the sake of you all living under one roof?

SortingItOut · 29/07/2021 22:13

There is a growing movement called Living Apart Together - its where you have a committed relationship but don't ever live together.

People have done it for years but it didnt have a name, its not talked about much as society makes everyone think that to commit and love someone you have to live together.

I had an awful marriage and am 3 years out, I'll never live with a man again,my home is my sanctuary and I'm not sharing it.

OliveToboogie · 29/07/2021 22:22

My partner and I have been together 6.5 years don't live together and never will. We both like our own space too much. X

joystir59 · 29/07/2021 22:25

Listen to those niggling feelings of doubt and don't move in with him. In your heart you don't want to. It's fine to not want something and to not do it.

joystir59 · 29/07/2021 22:27

I generally think women are better not living with men.

Daisy4569 · 29/07/2021 22:32

When you’re ready to live together I would definitely think of renting somewhere new together first. I think you will always view your current home as yours and any adjustments he makes could seem like compromises or criticisms of how you have things. I would say a new home would allow you to make decisions together and children can pick rooms etc so makes it seem more of a space which belongs to all of you.

Bananalanacake · 29/07/2021 22:40

Tell him you've thought about it and you want to wait until your DD is 18, if he's happy with you he will understand.

DeRigueurMortis · 30/07/2021 00:18

Blending families is extremely hard work.

Even if everyone gets on day to day, living together is a very different situation.

It's absolutely something you shouldn't rush into, especially if you have misgivings already.

My suggestion (if it's possible re:space) is to try some long weekends all together at each other's homes. See how it works.

The reality is that people can get on well "in small doses" but when together 24/7 for prolonged periods it's a different ball game.

You'll both have your own routines/traditions and it can be very difficult to let go of those in search of new ones to build together - especially with pre-teen children.

Upshot is you don't sound comfortable with the idea, so don't do it.

Be honest with your DP that it's a big step that you're not ready for because of the implications if it doesn't work out.

Say you want to take it slowly and need more time.

Onthemaintrunkline · 30/07/2021 06:45

When in doubt, do nowt.

Chamomileteaplease · 30/07/2021 11:24

Don't do it!

Two adults adjusting to living together is hard. Add two teenaged girls into the mix - you could ruin a great thing you've got going.

Keep your independence. And I bet you will keep your relationship Smile.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 30/07/2021 11:31

Stay as you are, it's working and you're getting on great.

Years ago, moving in together was a kind of "trial marriage" to see if you got on before tying the knot. Nowadays it seems to be more about finances.

Whats your reason for wanting to move in together? I know you love each other but you can still love each other not living together. Theres a bit of a mumsnet obsession with moving in with boyfriends when you've been dating them a while and I don't understand why.

What are your thoughts on marriage? If you wouldn't choose to marry someone, why would you choose to live with then?

coodawoodashooda · 30/07/2021 11:36

Could you afford to have somewhere shared like a static caravan in a nearby holiday location? I dont blame you for being wary. I wouldn't want to give up my space either.

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