Moving in together!

[Kpod87]

Hi All,

Just wanted to vent and get some peoples perspectives if I’m being silly! I’m a single mum, 34, of DD who’s 10 (going up to high school in September). In a happy relationship with my OH who also has a DD aged 11 (one year ahead of mine). Everyone gets on great and it’s all really lovely.
There’s lots of talk about us moving in together in the very near future, initially moving into my rented home and looking for somewhere else for the future to buy.
I’m really struggling with the idea. I really want too but my last relationship was for 8 years and didn’t end too well, and I was financially dependant on them, had to uproot and start again.
Since I’ve become very possessive and controlling with my home, alone time and it just being us 2.
I feel really anxious about moving in together and it’s starting to show. As I can’t tolerate my OH making suggestions of how we can make it ‘our home’.
I’m really scared about things changing, and I do really trust and love my OH and I want a future together. I’m just being really possessive I know that. This is something I really want but I there’s still that niggling feeling in my head.
Has anyone got any tips on how I can ease myself into it? Am I being ridiculous. I’ve not verbalised this to anyone as feel I’m being really unappreciative.

Thanks in advance 😊

You don't sound ready

Don't make the mistake of equating the future to the past - you've learned lessons from your previous relationship but don't carry the burden of that experience forward.

Are you doing anything proactive about your anxiety? Might be worth overcoming that before making a decision about how to proceed.

It's not compulsory to live together. Why is OH so keen? He might just adore you and not want to be apart. Or he might like the idea of being looked after - someone to cook, clean and wash for him. What's he like with the housework at his place?

Don’t do it.

I’m not in relationship but I have already decided that no man will be moving into my kids home. We enjoy our peace and space and I don’t want to change that.

You don’t have to live together to be committed in a Relationship especially when children are involved.

@Sarahlou63

Don't make the mistake of equating the future to the past - you've learned lessons from your previous relationship but don't carry the burden of that experience forward.

Are you doing anything proactive about your anxiety? Might be worth overcoming that before making a decision about how to proceed.

Thats true too. Also, if you can't share exactly what you feel and trust a shared resolution with your partner than that will also help you realise your opinion is correct.

How long been together?

I wouldn’t.

You daughter has a big school change on the horizon. Just keep her nice and settled and living with mum rather than your man moving in.

Don't do it! You're happy, the DC are happy. Why change anything? I know a few couples that live apart and it seems to work for them. sometimes I think men are keen to get a new woman to move in to take over the childcare and housework. Not saying this is necessarily the case here, but there are so many competing priorities, standards, values that can lead to discord if you're not all completely in alignment.

If you are determined to proceed I would start by taking some holidays together and see how that goes.

Absolutely follow your gut 100% You don't want to, so don't. Simple. You are right to consider your feelings on the practical/long term side of things and not get swept away by romantic notions.

A place that's the right size for two is very unlikely to be the right size for four. You and your daughter have ownership of your home; fitting two extra people in without arguments would be hard.

I’m exactly the same OP.

My 18 month relationship ended this time last year because I wouldn’t even consider moving in with him. Or rather, let him move in with me. I have a 3 bed house, 3DC, and he has one DC who’s younger than mine. It’s rented not owned. There just isn’t enough space for more people, and I won’t have mine and my daughters space invaded.

He also didn’t work due to disability (on highest PIP etc) and he would have lost most of his benefits, leaving me financially responsible for 2 more people Absolutely fucking not.x

Your gut is telling you clearly, do not do this. Why on earth arebyou fighting it? It has nothing to do with being ungrateful or anything else. You simply don't want to live with your boyfriend. Personally, I think you definitely should not. I think your daughter is much better off with just the two of you.

Often men benefit far more from living together than women do.
You could end up doing more child care, cooking, washing, cleaning.
Just say no and enjoy the dating.

Of course it would be a lot cheaper for him if he moved in with you...

And it would be more expensive for you if he moved in with you.

Don't do it! You are happy now. Happy in your home with your DD. Happy dating. You have niggles that it might not be right. If you move in, and your niggles prove to be right, what then? It will feel am much bigger deal for him to move out / it may end up splitting you up.

You should only move in when you are both ready to do it. Not because one is ready and the other doesn't to but thinks they should somehow be 'appreciative'.

Your DD's happiness is more important than his, and extracating yourself can be very compliacted once it's done, so if you have any doubts whatsoever then clearly you shouldn't do it. If it's a good relationship he will understand this - even if he's disappointed - and in time you'll no doubt feel ready for the next step.

Your gut is telling you no.

You are not ready so don't do it.
This sentence:
There’s lots of talk about us moving in together in the very near future
strikes me as being extremely passive.
If you'd phrased it "We've been talking a lot about us moving in together" it would give a totally different impression.
It just sounds like he wants you to move in together and you're just going along with it - it's like he's doing the talking and you're not involved.

If you were ready and wanted to move in together you wouldn't be feeling like this.

Remember it's not just your home, it's your child's home. Personally as I child I would hate sharing my intimate living space with an unrelated man I didn't choose. You don't have to live together just to.please a man. Men like moving in with women as it makes their lives easier but you don't need to submissively comply.

I.also strongly agree with the previous poster who said this: "What are your thoughts on marriage? If you wouldn't choose to marry someone, why would you choose to live with then?"

Don't do it. Plenty of people wait and continue living separately until the children are adults...and at Uni. It can work

I'm really struggling with the idea. I really want too but my last relationship was for 8 years and didn't end too well, and I was financially dependent on them, had to uproot and start again.

Your statements above are contradictory OP. If you really wanted to live with your OH, you wouldn't be struggling with the idea.

It sounds like your OH is trying to push your boundaries before you are ready for the next stage of the relationship, and you are feeling suffocated by it. Imagine if you feeling the same way about another issue, and you were already living together, you wouldn't be able to escape to the safety and sanctity of your own home.

If I were you, feeling the way you do, I would listen to what your instincts are telling you and not move in with your OH. Explain that you are really enjoying the relationship as it is, and would prefer not to move in together just yet. Your OH's reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know about whether to continue the relationship (as you may want different things in the long-term).

Good luck.