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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Girlfriend demands to see all messages. And more…

45 replies

unimp · 29/07/2021 19:02

Hello everyone.
I am quite upset at the moment. Me and my girlfriend of three years, we’re out camping. I should’ve seen this coming but I didn’t. Anyway, she’s bored ‘cause it’s raining outside and she’s on her period so she’s also very easy to piss off.
We were watching a series together when all of a sudden she mentions that she’s been sad all day ‘cause she is comparing herself to other girls. Suddenly she grabs my phone and I don’t really care ‘cause she maybe just wants to check the time… Hell no, she asks for my passcode and I ask why, then she says she want to see all messages on my phone. I say no because I feel offended. She knows that I have no friends whatsoever, since she’s the one who made me lose them, she used to be jealous of them too so I wound up always being with her. I know I’m stupid… Anyway, after I said no I said I had to use the bathroom, but now I am sitting in my car asking you all for advice. I know the rest of our camping trip will be ruined if she doesn’t get her way. It’ll probably ruin the entire week if not more. It just feels so unfair. I have never demanded to see all her messages, I usually just lie beside her whenever she is messaging her friends or whatever, but it can’t be the other way around ‘cause I have no fucking friends… Everytime I’m on my phone I just look at things I wanna purchase or such. I rarely use my phone and she knows this. I pretty much always have 80-90% battery at the end of the day.
There is so much wrong with this relationship and I don’t even understand why I am asking for advice when I should just…you know. I don’t want to say it.
The thing is that we get along well and we cuddle and it’s nice, we have similar opinions on things too. But she is just too controlling and unbelievably demanding and over-the-top judgemental. I don’t know what to do. I have a diagnosis which makes me break down completely if there’s rapid change in my life… Aspergers… And leaving her would be very rapid change… The weird thing is sometimes she begs me to never leave her and that she loves me more than anything, and then all of a sudden she can say that the wants to leave me and never see me again. It’s so fucking stressing. I can imagine that if I said I was going to leave her she would never ever forgive me and she would just hate me, it wouldn’t matter if I explained why and that I can’t live like this, she just wouldn’t listen and say that I have never loved her.
One time she said she was leaving me, so I proposed that we take a break instead so she could feel what it would feel like, but then she raged like never before and said that she had always known I wanted a break and wanted to leave her and that I had never loved her and all that… I just fucking don’t know what to do. I am unbelievably frustrated right now and I want out. But I am afraid of how I’ll feel from the rapid change and how she’ll react. I feel like she will stalk me after I leave her, I don’t know… I don’t really want to live anymore, at the same time as I do. I always hear from my parents and teachers that I am so damn talented and I could do whatever I want in life with my capabilities, but I don’t know. I’m just stuck here with my girlfriend and don’t know what to do. I feel trapped. I feel like no one will ever like me, since I am “weird” ‘cause I have a disorder…
I’ll update if anything happens. I am scared to death to face her but I guess I have to.
See y’all soon I suppose.

OP posts:
Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 29/07/2021 19:07

Hi there.

You know she's abusive towards you, right? And you've thought about leaving.

It doesn't have to be an abrupt action. You can plan añd prepare for it, to make it less difficult for yourself.

Or just drive home now. Phone one of those old friends. Talk to your family. You don't even need to talk to her first. Who's house is it?

HouseOfGoldandBones · 29/07/2021 19:08

OP, you don't sound happy in this relationship.

You know what you have to do I think

TheTallOakTrees · 29/07/2021 19:13

Why are you in this abusive, controlling relationship?

Leave

Original poster
unimp · 29/07/2021 19:14

@Hollyhocksarenotmessy

Hi there.

You know she's abusive towards you, right? And you've thought about leaving.

It doesn't have to be an abrupt action. You can plan añd prepare for it, to make it less difficult for yourself.

Or just drive home now. Phone one of those old friends. Talk to your family. You don't even need to talk to her first. Who's house is it?

Hey thanks for answering. Yes I’ve realised she’s abusive. I must do something and my gut feeling is that I will soon. We’re actually in a caravan together, so if I’d drive home she’d have to come with. Also my parents are at the same camping spot further away in their RV. We’re far from home. Loneliness is my worst enemy. If I’d leave her I’d need company often, ‘cause when I get lonely I start thinking about stuff. I just hope I get the strength to tell her we need to separate. There’s so much I want to tell this forum about regarding what I’ve been through with her, and I will. It’s just way too much to write at the moment. But thanks again for your great advice.
OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 29/07/2021 19:15

Op this really doesn't sound like an healthy relationship, she sounds abusive and controlling x

WhiskeyGalore212 · 29/07/2021 19:15

Get rid of your girlfriend.

Not advocating murder, just leave her.

She's not a good partner.

She's unlikely to ever be a good partner.

I'm stressed just reading half that.

Fustyoldface · 29/07/2021 19:17

It sounds toxic and will do more damage for both of you in the long run than the short sharp shock of breaking up. It will hurt, that’s normal but you will be better in the long run. If you are worried about the after effects can you talk to family?

Duplocity · 29/07/2021 19:18

You need to end the relationship. If she’s separated you from your friends she doesn’t love you. She’s abusing you.

DogsSausages · 29/07/2021 19:39

She sounds very abusive and manipulative and she does not make you happy, do you live together. Instead of sitting in your car can you go and see your parents and tell them what has happened, maybe they can go back to the caravan with you for support, they sound like they love and care for you very much. Could she just leave and find her own way home, why would you need to drive her.

girl71 · 29/07/2021 19:43

Goodness, how awful. If you were my adult child, i would be heartbroken by hearing this. Can you talk to your parents who are nearby, cut short the camping trip , get her home safely? Then end the relationship.

Your parents will understand and will want the best for you. They will want to support you through this. It is important you get your " GF " home safe. If you do not feel travelling home together will be agreeable , could your parents spk to her parents to collect her? Could yr parents get her home? Either way, you need to ensure she gets home safely and soundly.

You will be ok moving forward, with the support of yr family but , you may not see it now, but you will. This is not a good relationship for you. You will be ok but this is not a good relationship for you and you need to take the lead , ending it.

You need to now get her home safely and yr parents /her parents can assist with that. Once home safely , you can start to move on with on yr life and reconnect with your friends. You will be ok OP.

Fustyoldface · 29/07/2021 19:44

Also yes op for the next relationship - never ever lose friends/close ones, because if the relationship ends (and most do sadly! I’m sorry) then you have lost your support network and it will be devastating.

girlmom21 · 29/07/2021 19:47

Let her look through your phone then end the relationship. Not to prove anything to her, because you don't need to do that, but so when she lies to everyone about the fact you were cheating (which she will) you'll both know the truth 100%.

category12 · 29/07/2021 19:52

Can you not join your parents in the RV for the meantime?

nottomgates · 29/07/2021 19:57

Hi.
I hope you’re okay.
Firstly I think you know she’s not treating you right and you’re searching for a way out.
She is not going to change even if you manage to have a civil conversation about how she is being. She will likely turn it back on you and blame you. She won’t change so you need to accept that and either plan your break up or live with it.
I don’t think you could live this way for forever. It’s bound to end but wouldn’t you rather end it sooner rather than being hurt and tormented for longer?
My advice is to get back in contact with the friends she’s pushed you away from and tell them and your parents what your relationship is like. Tell them that you need their support. They will help you.
Don’t stay hoping that things will get better, they won’t.

girl71 · 29/07/2021 20:03

"Anyway, she’s bored ‘cause it’s raining outside and she’s on her period so she’s also very easy to piss off".

Periods and rain are never ever an excuse to treat people badly. Comparing yourself to others ,being insecure and controlling yr boyfriend , alienating him from his friends,checking his phone and having hissy fits are , all are indicative of her own insecurities and not ok.

All things considered she clearly has a number of underlying issues that she needs to address. None of which are your problem.

Get her home and leave her there.

wookneecorn · 29/07/2021 20:09

On mumsnet when a woman has suspicions they're advised and even encouraged to check the boyfriends/husbands phone

wookneecorn · 29/07/2021 20:12

However she does sound controlling not allowing you to have friends and I think she should get professional help for her insecurities

girl71 · 29/07/2021 20:13

"On mumsnet when a woman has suspicions they're advised and even encouraged to check the boyfriends/husbands phone"

Also on Mumsnet when someone alienates you from yr friends, demands to control yr phone ,asks to read all yr correspondence and ruins yr holiday you are advised to LTB!

girl71 · 29/07/2021 20:16

LTB! ( leave the biaatch).

Beamur · 29/07/2021 20:24

Hey OP. That sounds like hard work. Relationships aren't always easy but it shouldn't be this hard.
One step at a time.
There might be good aspects to your GF but there's a lot here that's not good. There's a lot of controlling behaviour and isolating you from your friends is classic alienation.
Your self worth is low and it's a tough place to be. Change is hard and for you maybe harder than most, but there's a better way to live for you than this.
Can your parents help you right now? Do they realise how manipulative your GF is being?

OhWhyDidTheyDoIt · 29/07/2021 20:24

Well done for recognising this is not a healthy reletionship. And yes, you do need to end it.

Can you talk to someone in real-life? Pop over and see your parents. Show them this thread if it is easier?

How old are you by the way?

wookneecorn · 29/07/2021 20:28

It looks as though the girlfriend is controlling and abusive. iIn which case, OP should leave for his own sake. But incase this isn't in context, how can you all be sure?

I've been in a similar situation where I was the girlfriend, and in context, I was not the unreasonable one. Their friends were bad which effected both of us, he's on the spectrum and he didn't recognise it. Otherwise I would not have advised him to leave them. And although he had acted as an honest, faithful man, something didn't feel quite right and I when I demanded to see his phone it came to light that he was a decietful cheater leading a double life

I'm not saying that is the case, I'm just putting it out there that it could be.

Ilikegherkins · 29/07/2021 20:32

Can you speak to your parents about how you are feeling?

toocold54 · 29/07/2021 20:36

If anyone asked to see my messages then the relationship would be over. I couldn’t be with someone who thought so little of me.

I would go in and say you won’t be showing her the messages and if she keeps asking you are going to have to end the relationship. If she drops it then you could wait until you get home.

toocold54 · 29/07/2021 20:39

One time she said she was leaving me, so I proposed that we take a break instead so she could feel what it would feel like, but then she raged like never before and said that she had always known I wanted a break and wanted to leave her and that I had never loved her and all that

This is terrible!

I know it’s not the same but remember whenever you feel lonely you can post on here and find someone to chat to.