Girlfriend demands to see all messages. And more…

[unimp]

Hello everyone.
I am quite upset at the moment. Me and my girlfriend of three years, we’re out camping. I should’ve seen this coming but I didn’t. Anyway, she’s bored ‘cause it’s raining outside and she’s on her period so she’s also very easy to piss off.
We were watching a series together when all of a sudden she mentions that she’s been sad all day ‘cause she is comparing herself to other girls. Suddenly she grabs my phone and I don’t really care ‘cause she maybe just wants to check the time… Hell no, she asks for my passcode and I ask why, then she says she want to see all messages on my phone. I say no because I feel offended. She knows that I have no friends whatsoever, since she’s the one who made me lose them, she used to be jealous of them too so I wound up always being with her. I know I’m stupid… Anyway, after I said no I said I had to use the bathroom, but now I am sitting in my car asking you all for advice. I know the rest of our camping trip will be ruined if she doesn’t get her way. It’ll probably ruin the entire week if not more. It just feels so unfair. I have never demanded to see all her messages, I usually just lie beside her whenever she is messaging her friends or whatever, but it can’t be the other way around ‘cause I have no fucking friends… Everytime I’m on my phone I just look at things I wanna purchase or such. I rarely use my phone and she knows this. I pretty much always have 80-90% battery at the end of the day.
There is so much wrong with this relationship and I don’t even understand why I am asking for advice when I should just…you know. I don’t want to say it.
The thing is that we get along well and we cuddle and it’s nice, we have similar opinions on things too. But she is just too controlling and unbelievably demanding and over-the-top judgemental. I don’t know what to do. I have a diagnosis which makes me break down completely if there’s rapid change in my life… Aspergers… And leaving her would be very rapid change… The weird thing is sometimes she begs me to never leave her and that she loves me more than anything, and then all of a sudden she can say that the wants to leave me and never see me again. It’s so fucking stressing. I can imagine that if I said I was going to leave her she would never ever forgive me and she would just hate me, it wouldn’t matter if I explained why and that I can’t live like this, she just wouldn’t listen and say that I have never loved her.
One time she said she was leaving me, so I proposed that we take a break instead so she could feel what it would feel like, but then she raged like never before and said that she had always known I wanted a break and wanted to leave her and that I had never loved her and all that… I just fucking don’t know what to do. I am unbelievably frustrated right now and I want out. But I am afraid of how I’ll feel from the rapid change and how she’ll react. I feel like she will stalk me after I leave her, I don’t know… I don’t really want to live anymore, at the same time as I do. I always hear from my parents and teachers that I am so damn talented and I could do whatever I want in life with my capabilities, but I don’t know. I’m just stuck here with my girlfriend and don’t know what to do. I feel trapped. I feel like no one will ever like me, since I am “weird” ‘cause I have a disorder…
I’ll update if anything happens. I am scared to death to face her but I guess I have to.
See y’all soon I suppose.

How are you Op?

People are being a little harsh. The basis for her behaviour is insecurity. Maybe (not while you are on holiday) you could point out that her behaviour is controlling and suggest she gets counselling to deal with this. Say it in a way where you don’t make her feel bad, so maybe start but saying nice things. It might help. My DH had counselling (we both have for different things) and some of his behaviour was transformed

@Lurcherloves she really is not OP's problem.

Let her get her counsel herself.

@girl71 she would have to go through counselling herself though wouldn’t she?
It very simplistic to discard people for not being perfect. I understand that this may be too controlling, especially with the friends issue.
But this girl is not a monster she just sounds terribly insecure and needs a bit of love and help. Albeit maybe not from OP but people who are better placed to help. However, OP did set out reasons why he wanted to stay

@Lurcherloves

People are being a little harsh. The basis for her behaviour is insecurity. Maybe (not while you are on holiday) you could point out that her behaviour is controlling and suggest she gets counselling to deal with this. Say it in a way where you don’t make her feel bad, so maybe start but saying nice things. It might help. My DH had counselling (we both have for different things) and some of his behaviour was transformed

Some aspects? So he's still being 'a bit' abusive?

No such thing. In healthy, functioning relationships there is NO abuse. None. Zero. Zilch.

@Lurcherloves yes, she will.

If they are young, not married, no kids, why should OP hang
around for that? This is not OP's issue. Op wants to leave and for her to go home, away from him. Op's, now , soon to be ex, needs go get her own help.
Then she can move forward with her life and future relationships. Meanwhile, OP can move forward with their own life.

"@youvegottenminuteslynn "Some aspects? " "'So he's still being 'a bit' abusive?"

He is not being abusive, she is! Fgs read and understand the thread.

You won't be loneky. You will be amazed at how many of your friends realised she pushed them away. Her gone and you can start to live your life without the control and manipulation.

The freedom program is also very good in helping you spot all these red flags a lot earlier.

We all feel insecure from time to time. We don't push away our partners friendship circle. When we snoop we rightfully get told this isn't acceptable. And as for her feelings? Why should it be sugar coated? Abusers don't give a fuck about the feelings of those they abuse.

[quote girl71]"@youvegottenminuteslynn "Some aspects? " "'So he's still being 'a bit' abusive?"

He is not being abusive, she is! Fgs read and understand the thread. [/quote]
I was referring to @Lurcherloves partner!

OP is absolutely being abused, it's totally unacceptable and he needs to leave his girlfriend. That was my point!

She needs dumping and you need to get some help to appreciate yourself and being happy without someone else.

"@youvegottenminuteslynn I was referring to @Lurcherloves partner!"

Well i cannot see where @Lurcherloves has said their partner was abusive on this thread? . Happy to be corrected? @Lurcher said both she and her partner had counselling for issues on both sides for "different things ". No mention of abuse or being "a bit abusive ".

[quote girl71]"@youvegottenminuteslynn* I was referring to @Lurcher*loves partner!"

Well i cannot see where @Lurcherloves has said their partner was abusive on this thread? . Happy to be corrected? @Lurcher said both she and her partner had counselling for issues on both sides for "different things ". No mention of abuse or being "a bit abusive ". [/quote]
Not sure why you're being so aggressive towards me but I'll answer! I felt that mentioning her DH'a behaviours as an example they were presumably comparable to the behaviours of OP's girlfriend.

If I've got that wrong then apologies but it was my reading of that posters posts.

I stand by my stance that the only acceptable amount of abusive behaviour in a relationship is absolutely none. OP's girlfriend's behaviour is totally unacceptable and he shouldn't feel he is obliged to do as she demands.

"@youvegottenminuteslynn Not sure why you're being so aggressive towards me but I'll answer! I felt that mentioning her DH'a behaviours as an example they were presumably comparable to the behaviours of OP's girlfriend. "

I am not being aggressive, i am merely establishing facts. You have made presumptions on behalf of that particular poster and then used that presumption, to correct me, in my post, as if were fact. That poster never said her DH was abusive and you are wrong to presume such. If that poster comes back and then says her DH is abusive then that is fact and yr presumption stands. It is not for you to "presume"'at this stage , and offer advice accordingly and solely based on that presumption, when that poster has not said her DH is abusive.

@girl71

It was a fact that I was referring to the partner of @Lurcherloves, not OP.

I didn't state another fact to 'correct' you, I explained my thinking, reflected on the fact I may have got it wrong and then said, I apologise if my presumption was wrong.

I'm not sure why you've gunned for me especially considering those things. I'm sure @Lurcherloves will correct me if I misjudged and I have apologised in advance if I misjudged.

As I've also said, the main thing is that OP is being abused so I wanted to reiterate that he is right to think he should end the relationship. I want him to feel supported in that rather than the discussion being derailed by something I've explained my thinking behind, reflected on and literally said I'm sorry if I got it wrong!

Leave her.

Op your gf is abusive and controlling and by the sounds of it thoroughly unpleasant. She may have MH issues which of course is unfortunate, but that is not your cross to bear. Encourage her to seek help and then walk away. You do not have to be her emotional punchbag any more. Reconnect with your old friends, make new ones, go out and have fun again. Let her get the help she needs and don’t feel guilty, you can’t give her that help. If you choose to stay you can look to the past to see how your future looks. Completely miserable .

You need to plan your escape, OP.

OP I'm Aspergers too

I was once in a relationship that i was scared to leave because of many of the same reasons you talk about.

He was dreadful to me but even though I knew it, I couldn't leave. Then I did. There was a row and I was exhausted and I think I went into burn out. But I had to go through that to be the person I am now, it was unavoidable.

It's a situation that you have to go through to become the person who is not so desperate for others to validate you.

And being weird - well, I'm hella weird in many ways. I'm cuddling a chicken in my kitchen right now, I home ed my asd kids, I'm ok now with not getting to be someone I'm not. But that takes time.

You leave her and then try to rekindle the friendships that she forced you to end. Tell those friends that you were in an abusive relationship where your gf controlled you. Tell your parents. Get some counselling to help you build your self esteem and to help you recognise the early signs of an abuser if you meet someone in the future. Staying with this girl long term will be way more detrimental to your mental health than leaving her and having a bit of time on your own while you rekindle old friendships, or make new friends. The world is your oyster - do not let this abuser hold you back from being happy.

How's things op x