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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Girlfriend going away with ex boyfriend

72 replies

Pricey1976 · 29/07/2021 18:54

I have been with my girlfriend for just over 5 months , a couple of weeks ago she went to a wedding with her ex boyfriend which involved a two night stay , I had to accept this because it was arranged before we met , now she tells me they are planning a weekend away with friends from the weather, I told her this is unreasonable, total disrespect to me and it should be me going not her ex … am I right in saying this because she said it’s her and her exes friends so I’m not invited .. need some advice on how to tackle this
Thanks

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 29/07/2021 22:59

Maybe you should tell her you are going away with your ex see her reaction! I would be uncomfortable with this and her friendship seems more important than your short relationship

Yescheese · 29/07/2021 23:14

up until then she didn’t have a good word to say about him !! Also they have only been split up just short of a year

All of this makes it very fishy. Sounds volatile and quite fresh. Maybe if they'd dated in uni 20 years ago or something and were going away as part of the same group that would be fine, but it's obviously not fine that you're excluded because he is there.

I'd walk away. If she tries to compare this to you seeing your kids' mum as part of sharing their care, it suggests she isn't going to be able to have a rational conversation and she isn't keen to see this from your point of view. Personally I would move on. It'll be something else next, I guarantee you. She sounds immature

toocold54 · 29/07/2021 23:19

If she is going away with a group of friends then I wouldn’t have an issue as I assume they have a lot of friends in common and she could easily cheat with a friend who’s not her ex. If it was just the two of them I would feel uncomfortable.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/07/2021 23:30

The hills 🏃‍♂️===>>>

MyMorningBrew · 30/07/2021 00:38

You can't tell her not to go but ypu can tell her it crosses a boundary of yours and end the relationship.

I wouldn't accept it either. Nor would I want to do it let alone suggest it or actually plan to do it. No one who truly cared about you would want to do it.

PolkadotSkies · 30/07/2021 00:56

@MyMorningBrew

You can't tell her not to go but ypu can tell her it crosses a boundary of yours and end the relationship.

I wouldn't accept it either. Nor would I want to do it let alone suggest it or actually plan to do it. No one who truly cared about you would want to do it.

Sorry but I think that is waaaay OTT as well. It's perfectly possible to have old friendship groups (and it is a group going away, not just the gf and her ex!) and want to have an independent life still and see your friends without your partner and it be completely innocent. Having a new person there in an old group often changes the dynamic a lot, and can be hard work.

I understand why the OP is hurt/ suspicious and there may be reason for that, it may turn out that she has done something wrong. But much of this thread assumes she has/ says this is a crazy thing to do and I really don't think it is. Particularly not if the gf and ex are part of the same friendship group that goes back many years. Bfs/ gfs do not have to do everything together, they are not surgically attached. She is allowed to have friends and see them on her own. The issues here seem to be about trust and communication and that will break the relationship if it isn't dealt with. The socialising with an ex is a red herring.

PolkadotSkies · 30/07/2021 00:59

It also may be that with this being a new relationship she's not ready yet to introduce him to her friend group at the level of intensity of a whole trip together. That's a lot to ask of friends also! Or that whatever this trip is, is an inappropriate time for that.

Whatever the reason the OP will only get to the bottom of it by discussing it with hee and trying to understand and build trust. Encouraging the OP to jump to conclusions may well backfire in a very sad way.

femfemlicious · 30/07/2021 01:05

Wow how did she end up going to a wedding with her ex. Thats crazy!. Did they go 'together' or did she go and he went too. They probably shagged at that wedding. I would break up ASAP!

PolkadotSkies · 30/07/2021 01:16

@femfemlicious

Wow how did she end up going to a wedding with her ex. Thats crazy!. Did they go 'together' or did she go and he went too. They probably shagged at that wedding. I would break up ASAP!
😂😂😂
PolkadotSkies · 30/07/2021 02:22

I can't actually tell now whether posters like @femfemlicious are serious or, as I'd assumed, satirising the nutty views on here that posters have expressed. I hope the latter but am not entirely sure! 🤣

miltonj · 30/07/2021 04:08

Hmm it seems like you're the ex now and he's the boyfriend again. Just walk away.

PolkadotSkies · 30/07/2021 04:11

@miltonj

Hmm it seems like you're the ex now and he's the boyfriend again. Just walk away.
😂😂 Wow!

How do such controlling people who decide who their partner can be friends with ever get into a relationship at all? Confused

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/07/2021 05:00

she only told me they was good friends after the wedding up until then she didn’t have a good word to say about him

@PolkadotSkies think you may have missed this bit.

To me this sounds like she split with her ex a year ago after they'd already been invited to a wedding. 5 months ago she started dating OP and gave him the impression she doesn't like ex. Then she decides to not bring OP to a wedding (why??) but go with her ex instead. Which makes absolutely zero sense if she doesn't like ex. Then off the back of that she plans a weekend away with ex and friends and doesn't invite OP? Yeah right...

OP I strongly suspect she is hoping to get back with the ex, but is keeping you in reserve in case he knocks her back. Walk away, you deserve better than this.

leonpride · 30/07/2021 08:45

How do such controlling people who decide who their partner can be friends with ever get into a relationship at all? Confused

Not one single poster has said anything controlling. The PP you replied to said to leave. Most people with boundaries wouldn't be happy with the arrangement in OPs scenario.

Umberellatheweatha · 30/07/2021 09:02

Honestly it sounds like something a narcissist (as in npd) would do. Just drop in that she is friends with her ex and they are going on a weekend away next week. And when you are like 'wtf?' they gaslight you by telling you that you are wrong not to be ok with it.

I wouldn't be. Fair enough staying pals within ex if you knew them for a long time but as you said, one minute she didn't even like the guy..and yet the next. Yoyoing from slagging an ex off to liking them is clashing narcissistic triangulation btw. It's done in order to make you feel that they might still have feelings for this person. To make you feel insecure or 'not enough'.

If this is ringing bells then absolutely walk away. Game playing has no place in a relationship and if she is doing this, she will never change because its who she is.

Umberellatheweatha · 30/07/2021 09:03

*classic not clashing

Enough4me · 30/07/2021 09:08

This isn't working for you OP and needs to end (personally I wouldn't it accept this either).

If they were going to the cinema together or pub for a drink it's fine, but these times away allow for more intimacy and don't make sense based on what she previously said about him.

TubeOfSmarties · 30/07/2021 09:18

She is taking the piss and has no respect for you. Sorry, OP, but you need to bail. Do it now, with your dignity in tact.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/07/2021 09:24

@Pricey1976

She tried to compare it to when I pick my daughter up and I have to see my ex … when in fact it’s not even in the same bracket … I was gobsmacked
Then she's either stupid or manipulative. Likely the latter, maybe both. End it, this is only going to continue to be an issue and it's indicative of her not being empathetic.
SarahDarah · 30/07/2021 10:05

@StarryNight468

Just bail out of this whole relationship OP. You're not being unreasonable, your feelings are valid but she will make you out to be the bat shit one in this.
This
SeptemberGurl · 30/07/2021 10:32

I personally would not be happy with my partner doing that, and would not do that to my partner.

It may be that they just enjoy each others company, and want to stay friends. Nothing wrong with that.

The alternative is that she is shagging him. That would be my bet, since you are not invited.

Only she knows, and I'd think it's a fair thing to try clarify together.

Bexxe · 30/07/2021 10:36

i think shes being completely unreasonable.
I also share a group of friends with my ex, and have been with my current partner for 2 years. No way in hell would i go away without my boyfriend, because why would i want to? It was always awkward to start with, but also my friends are aware that things need to be fair, and most of the time they invite me or my ex depending ont he circumstances.
You are 100% justified in your feelings.

MizMoonshine · 30/07/2021 10:38

Don't entertain this bullshit.
Leave her.

Branleuse · 30/07/2021 10:40

I think that your feelings here are valid, but it would be better to just walk away rather than try and convince her that its wrong and to not do it

billy1966 · 30/07/2021 10:48

@KateTheEighth

Get out of this relationship

She's taking you for a fool

This.

She is wasting your time.

Every chance they are having sex.

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