I hate the person I've become in my relationship

[Lan2020]

I know I've posted in the past and general consensus is that I should leave. I'm not wanting to focus on those issues now but wondering if anyone is going through similar.

Basically my partner (me 33 him 51) has never been supportive or helpful. I became pregnant before we moved in together and despite being anaemic (I fainted during pregnancy) and having a bad back, he never came to stay at my house. Not once. Even when I said I was worried being alone with my 7 year old. We moved in together and I moved house alone. At 35 weeks pregnant I was dissembling beds, climbing in the attic and carrying king sized mattresses. I had nobody to help and no choice. He now says it was due to his back he couldn't help. Although he does have a bad back, his issue is bending. He could have just been there with me or did the high up bits. If I try and discuss this (I know it was 2 years ago but I feel shit about it and want to acknowledge how hard it was) he tells me I'm crazy and need psychiatric help.

Anyway, fast forward 2 years and we live together. I obviously do pretty much everything. He says he can't help much due to his back, so the main things he does are play Xbox and start at his phone. He frustrates me by saying I'm not supportive of him having a bad back and it infuriates me. He did nothing to help after my c section and if I'm ill he doesn't help.
I get up with our child every night, every morning, put him to bed every night, my partner had not once bathed him and I do all housework. Yet apparently I'm not helpful!

Fast forward to now. I've been having chronic pelvic pain since my c section (suspected adhesions or endometriosis) and am in pain daily. However my partners attitude is that I can do more than him. So he'll ask me to pick things up for him etc.
3 days ago he developed gout. He's hobbling around and literally can't do anything; as in make a cup of tea or help with anything. I do appreciate he is probably in pain but he's on a out wanting crutches and a pot to wee in, yet I managed alone after a c section with 2 kids.

I need to ask. Am I a bitch? I feel I've turned into someone I am not. I'm a caring person who would help anyone but I resent him so much. He thinks I'm horrible and not helpful but I'm in pain, looking after our child, doing everything in the house and dissembling beds for a house move. What annoys me more is his attitude of, I'm worse than you, so you should do it all. The most annoying part is that he drinks daily, he started getting gout symptoms but continued drinking. So in my eyes, this is largely self inflicted. I feel he has at least some responsibility to stay healthy to help me. I sometimes wonder hey I'm with a man almost 20 years older that drinks too much, constantly talks over me and leaves me feeling alone.

Just clocked you have a 7 year old. You're teaching them so many damaging lessons about relationships that will affect them for the rest of their life.

That women in a relationship should do everything, put everyone else first, be in pain or sick and not expect any support. And that men should do what they want when they want.

I don't know what anyone can say at this point to persuade you to leave this absolute loser, but surely the fact that the longer you stay the more likely your children are to end up in this relationship dynamic as adults is enough motivation to do so?

That sounds absolutely horrific. You need to leave him.

Don't look after him, don't do anything for him. Let him suffer and make your plans to leave.

It won't get any better and don't feel that you have to explain to us that you're a nice person. I'm sure you are but I'd never treat my worst enemy the way he's treating you.

Get out or get him out. I hope his gout is extremely painful.

I rarely post here, just generally lurk, but I feel I have to say something here.

I was you, pretty much. I do understand. I know it feels impossible to leave, I know the feeling of turning into someone you don't recognise. I know you've made yourself smaller and less than you were and that all your valid feelings of resentment and hurt have been turned back on you until you feel like the villain.

I get why you will have posted thread after thread. I suspect you are a person who doesn't want to give up on things, wants to fix them, wants to make it better. And it takes time, not MN thread update times to make a different choice. It's hard, doing something different feels like a decision and then you have to take the consequences of that decision and own them, but actually, you are making a decision every day that you choose to stay. That's still a choice, and it has its own consequences, which IME are far worse than the consequences of leaving. I really recommend thinking about that, that every day you are making a choice to stay.

I left a relationship that sounds so similar to yours (alcohol, laziness, lack of care, gout, emotional abuse etc etc) when I was 34. I'm 43 now and so much happier. I was on my own for a while with my child and that was wonderful, and now I'm with someone who lifts me up, makes me better, supports me and (even when I am rubbish at it, because I don't know how to partner very well) builds a life with me. However, even if I hadn't met him, my life was already wonderful without the constant feeling of being dragged down and damaged by the person who was supposed to be on my side.

My ex never changed. He kept drinking, he kept ignoring his health issues, he kept alienating everyone who got close to him. He died of liver failure earlier this year, relatively young, because nothing could ever be more important to him than alcohol. I'm sad for my child and his other children, and sad that he never managed to recover to have any kind of life that meant something, but I am relieved that I made the choice I did, because nothing was going to change for me by staying.

It's also a shitty way for a child to live. I don't mean to burden you with that, it's hard to be told you aren't doing the right thing for your child, but with all my heart I know that my child is better for having not lived too long in that situation. No life is perfect, but neither of you should have to live in a home that feels less than safe or comforting.

Don't waste more of your life. As I get older I see how much of my good years I gave something that didn't deserve them and though I try hard not to be, I can, on bad days, feel very bitter about that. I try and remember the good things I got out of it, but it was a lot of time, and you don't get that back.

OMG, the essay! Sorry folks.

He would test the patience of a saint, you are only reacting to a useless cocklodger, get shut ASAP

What are you doing?

Wow the thread grew a lot overnight. I will shortly read through the posts. Just an example of an interaction today.

I'm up with our toddler, he comes down at 10.30. and says...
"You need to go up and get dressed now and not be too long because I need an hour and a half to get ready"...so I'm rushing despite being up since 8.

I come down and I get (bear in mind yes he has gout but he knows I have pelvic pain)...
Him "What time are you leaving (I'm going to my mum's), can I work in here or the kitchen"
Me "I'm not sure exactly what time we are leaving, you work where you like and I will avoid that area"
Him (raising his voice and getting agitated) "is that a yes or no!!" That's all I want. Yes or no".
Him "You can work in here, I'll feed the kids in the kitchen"
Me "I'll work upstairs, you can take the table upstairs and I can work there" (it's a baby table but still, I'm stood here in pain and thinking you fucking do it).
Him "and if you're making lunch I'll have..."

No please or thank you and all barked at me in an agitated, rushed fashion.

Is this how people normally communicate? He's says I'm overly sensitive.

It is not normal, it is deeply unpleasant. He will never change. Please leave. Whilst your life might be materially less comfortable it will be infinitely better in every other possible way. You and your children will flourish. Be brave you can leave, you do have the ability, you will cope.

Is this how people normally communicate? He's says I'm overly sensitive

Ah c’mon @Lan2020 you know well ghost that is not how people normally communicate.

*that that

@Perriwinkles well it's not how I communicate. I place high importance on manners and drum that concept into my children.
However, when you have spent 4 years with someone telling you you're crazy, oversensitive, mentally unstable and need medication and therapy you on some level start to wonder if it's true. Especially when that person is a doctor, older and experienced.

Well we can tell you he's a lying abduct nasty little man

It can be an unhealthy coping mechanism to vent repeatedly about a bad partner and get responses about how much of a dick they are.

I've done it before, to friends rather than online, and it allows some of the resentment and pressure out, and you get to temporarily replace some of the negative feelings inside you with positive feedback from your friends/the commenters - that of course he's a dick, you don't deserve to be treated so badly, they can't believe he actually said that, etc. etc.

In my case, I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for months longer than I should have, and was absolutely miserable. I think that if my friends had said, "We're not listening to any more stories about what he's done or said or how he's acted this time - we'll help you make plans to leave him but that's all", it might have actually been more helpful than always giving me the "he DIDN'T, did he?!" that I was expecting.

Is giving more examples of how awful he is getting you closer to leaving, or is it a pressure release valve on your resentment and unhappiness?

Please put yourself and your children first. There's no good to be had from staying with this man.

@Lan2020

I was just trying to kindly you make you aware of your own knowledge & insight, of which you have plenty. That’s clear on the thread. You sound self-aware and able to read this man. I know how we can question ourselves in bad relationships but I get the impression that knowledge is not your problem. You know it’s wrong, you know what you should do etc. It’s just not that easy to actually do it. Believe me, I know.

For me I know my H behaviour is wrong, but I don't trust myself anymore, I keep doubting myself and hearing him telling me I'm being pretty, or always thinking of myself or what I said was horrible, or I misinterpreted him, or he flat out didn't say/do it. I doubt my own recollection of events. And yes I hate the person I sometimes become in reaction to him and in reaction to the resentment and hurt and to feeling worthless.

Great posts by all Winduprobot

OP - why are you still there? I understand that you have been subject to this abuse for a long time now, but it’s clear from your understandable resentment / anger that you know this is
a) unacceptable and
b) not going to change.

It’s incredibly hard to leave a marriage when there are kids involved - I know that. But because you have children is exactly why you should leave. You (not your partner) are modelling the role of a martyr with no sense of self worth. It’s highly likely that your children will either mimic you and become a shadow of themselves in an abusive relationship or react against that and start treating you (and potentional partners) with the contempt your partner shows you. Is that what you want?

Sit down with someone you trust and write out the steps you need to take to leave e.g. see a solicitor, find alternative accommodation, save for deposit etc. If there is no one - post on here or speak to Women’s Aid.

I promise you once you stop ruminating on your frankly awful relationship and start taking action you will feel much better. I would definitely recommend some therapy if your finances will allow - but Nedra Glover Taiwan is excellent or relationships / boundaries in the meantime.

www.instagram.com/nedratawwab/

Good luck OP - when I finally left my shitty marriage (shitty in different ways to yours but still shitty) I felt like I was breathing clean air again for the first time in years. I have never looked back.

This man is an abusive wanker and an alcoholic to boot. Kick him out love, you will feel so much better.

Why do you keep asking the same questions? You're always going to get the same answers. I had sympathy for you before OP but now not so much because you're just not listening. Just get the fuck out of there, if you won't do it for you do it for your poor children's sake. Because right now you're complicit in letting them live in an abusing situation.