I hate the person I've become in my relationship

[Lan2020]

I know I've posted in the past and general consensus is that I should leave. I'm not wanting to focus on those issues now but wondering if anyone is going through similar.

Basically my partner (me 33 him 51) has never been supportive or helpful. I became pregnant before we moved in together and despite being anaemic (I fainted during pregnancy) and having a bad back, he never came to stay at my house. Not once. Even when I said I was worried being alone with my 7 year old. We moved in together and I moved house alone. At 35 weeks pregnant I was dissembling beds, climbing in the attic and carrying king sized mattresses. I had nobody to help and no choice. He now says it was due to his back he couldn't help. Although he does have a bad back, his issue is bending. He could have just been there with me or did the high up bits. If I try and discuss this (I know it was 2 years ago but I feel shit about it and want to acknowledge how hard it was) he tells me I'm crazy and need psychiatric help.

Anyway, fast forward 2 years and we live together. I obviously do pretty much everything. He says he can't help much due to his back, so the main things he does are play Xbox and start at his phone. He frustrates me by saying I'm not supportive of him having a bad back and it infuriates me. He did nothing to help after my c section and if I'm ill he doesn't help.
I get up with our child every night, every morning, put him to bed every night, my partner had not once bathed him and I do all housework. Yet apparently I'm not helpful!

Fast forward to now. I've been having chronic pelvic pain since my c section (suspected adhesions or endometriosis) and am in pain daily. However my partners attitude is that I can do more than him. So he'll ask me to pick things up for him etc.
3 days ago he developed gout. He's hobbling around and literally can't do anything; as in make a cup of tea or help with anything. I do appreciate he is probably in pain but he's on a out wanting crutches and a pot to wee in, yet I managed alone after a c section with 2 kids.

I need to ask. Am I a bitch? I feel I've turned into someone I am not. I'm a caring person who would help anyone but I resent him so much. He thinks I'm horrible and not helpful but I'm in pain, looking after our child, doing everything in the house and dissembling beds for a house move. What annoys me more is his attitude of, I'm worse than you, so you should do it all. The most annoying part is that he drinks daily, he started getting gout symptoms but continued drinking. So in my eyes, this is largely self inflicted. I feel he has at least some responsibility to stay healthy to help me. I sometimes wonder hey I'm with a man almost 20 years older that drinks too much, constantly talks over me and leaves me feeling alone.

I've read a few of your threads now. You're only 33 don't keep doing this to yourself and the kids! It will only get worse.

How many more years are you going to keep punishing yourself by staying?

You're resentful - that feeling isnt going to go away.
He's rude and isn't doing anything to help his back - that's not going to change.

This is in your power to change.
Do you want another 20+ years of this?

Sounds like you both have mismatched expectation for a partner. You know he will not change.

Question really is can you continue like this? You are they only one that can change

I'm so sorry. This man is manipulating you. You've heard people telling you to leave and yes, they're right. But it's not that easy is it?

It's clear from your posts that your self esteem has been utterly destroyed by this twat who has moulded you into the subservient woman he wants you to be. You are not pathetic, you're a victim of abuse.

When it's safe to do so, please call Women's Aid or Refuge to speak to someone who can support you whether that's emotionally or practically. There's also an app called Blue Sky that can help you find local support. I know it's tough when you feel at rock bottom, but somewhere you need to find the strength to protect you and your children from this level of control. Trust me, this will only get worse.

I remember your previous threads. You're basically asking the same questions again.

Why won't you just leave?

*I remember your previous threads. You're basically asking the same questions again.

Why won't you just leave?*

^^ THIS

He's never going to be the person you want him to be.
This will never be the relationship you want it to be.

But, you are getting something out of it by staying. Is it financial? Appearances? What people will think (because I am guessing people told you not to get involved with him or move in with him)? The I told you so's? Are you embarrassed to be single?

Poor poor child

Yes, OP, what do you get out of staying with him? Are you living in his house and can't afford a place of your own?

I can assure you that if you do leave him, no decent person will say "I told you so". They will be glad and relieved for you. He's not a partner, he's a burden, and he will only get worse with age.

LTB.

I sometimes wonder hey I'm with a man almost 20 years older that drinks too much, constantly talks over me and leaves me feeling alone

You say you’re with him as you want to feel loved. One simple question so; do you feel loved?

OP, he sounds awful.
But, if you've got disposable income and you want to try alternatives other than leaving, then can you buy help? Eg, contract someone to help your family with household tasks and cleaning. Basically, a maid (although that word sounds a bit Downton Abbey). It can really, really, really take the stress off a relationship of someone else is doing the shitwork. He doesn't want to do it, you don't want to do it, so contract someone in.

(even having someone come in once a week to do a clean up and help with laundry makes a massive difference to quality of life, imo. Especially if one or both partners is suffering pain or illness).

That said, it sounds like it's over and you dispise and resent him, so, time to leave.

I hate the person I have become

You know what the solution is.

You'll feel a lot less angry and resentful without that useless dead weight hanging around your neck.

You say you want to feel loved so you stay with him.

Does he make you feel loved? Has he ever made you feel truly loved? I don't think he has it in him. He acts as though he doesn't even like you much. He certainly doesn't respect you. He sees you as 'staff' - someone to clean up, pick up, look after his child. He is lazy and selfish.

Please see that he doesn't have it in him to show love to you, and that isn't going to change.

So if you want to feel loved, the only sensible action is to leave. You will then have a chance of meeting someone capable of being in a grown up, mutually-respectful and mutually-loving relationship. You are young and this is still very much achievable.

Looking from the outside, I would rather be single every day of the week than living with this awful man. It must kill a little bit of your spirit every day. Imagine being on your own (with your DC of course)... you would, ironically, have fewer pressures. You wouldn't face daily criticsms. You wouldn't be constantly ground down by his laziness and selfishness and obvious lack of care for you.

It's the right thing to do for your DC as well. They love you, and you love them. If you move out you will live in a household where you are truly loved and wanted.

I have been in a similar relationship with a baby. The only solution is to leave. My life is much less stressful now.

Can I refer you to the post in 'Relationships' entitled 'Right, listen up everybody'. Read that.

How many more years of your life are you going to waste?

It won't get better. Only worse until you leave him.

Do it for your kids if not for him!! They deserve a mum who is focussed on their needs and building a happy life for herself and them. Not tiptoeing around being some lazy twats domestic slave.

When I had a sickness bug he walked past my bedroom and watched me vomiting into a bowl whilst the baby cried next to me. He didn't even help. Just walked past and went into his room.

I wouldn't do this even to someone I disliked. Or to a stranger. He feels nothing for you.

It's at the point now where you're choosing to remain in an environment that is incredibly unhealthy for your child to grow up in.

They will think this is what a normal relationship looks like and repeat the pattern. Can you live with that? I couldn't.

It must be exhausting having three kids with such varied ages.

What do you want from this thread, op?