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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner on Grindr

46 replies

woahh · 29/07/2021 14:41

I need help as I'm not sure what to do my partner has been on Grindr a few times before and one of the times he met up with somebody and did stuff with them which was in March and we argued loads about it and just told me he wasn't feeling great and that was his way of coping and I felt bad cause I loved him and still do and promised me he wouldn't go back on it again so this morning I seen he had downloaded it again as he had a message saying he had to be somewhere at 2 pop up but never told me anything about that and as I was swiping the app up I seen that he had downloaded and logged into Grindr and I looked on there and a couple people messaged him but he didn't message anybody unless he deleted them and when I asked him about it he said he was drunk and doesn't remember but as we carried on speaking he said he remembered and was just doing it to see what people were around and I'm not sure what to do as we have a 20month old and I'm roughly 2-3 months pregnant

OP posts:

Winemewhynot · 29/07/2021 14:45

I’m not sure what your question is, your partner is having sex with men he’s meeting online, therefore cheating on you. Why are you happy to accept that?

spotcheck · 29/07/2021 14:46

Your partner is cheating, lying and is probably gay.

Are any of these things acceptable attributes of a partner?

username18702 · 29/07/2021 14:51

OP has he admitted to being bi or gay? What is his excuse for having sex with men he met on an app? If you've been having unprotected sex with him then you need to get checked for STDs as they could harm your child.

He's cheating on you and putting your health at risk, I'm not sure what advice you need to hear apart from leave as he's not going to stop.

Schrutesbeets · 29/07/2021 14:54

Are you for real?!

MyMorningBrew · 29/07/2021 14:55

Your first mistake was forgiving him. Your second mistake was conceiving another baby with him so soon after that discovery.

Your third mistake would be to stay with him. Don't do that.

PegasusReturns · 29/07/2021 14:56

What do you think you should do?

In you circumstances, with a cheating lying partner Id be leaving immediately

grapewine · 29/07/2021 14:57

What's on your list of what you won't accept?

SarahBellam · 29/07/2021 14:59

Been there, done that, got the T shirt. Honey, your partner is gay, or at the very least bi. None of that matters too much. What does matter is that he is actively cheating on you, probably frequently, and probably with lots of different people, every chance he gets. Sling him out and book yourself an STI. He won't change - he wants something you can't give him, and none of that is your fault.

LtDansleg · 29/07/2021 15:01

If you stay with him you’ll have to accept the fact that he’s going to spend your entire relationship messaging and shagging men behind your back. I’d get an std test if I were you

DoormatBob · 29/07/2021 15:09

If he's not gay then he sees this as not cheating in the same way if it was another woman.

Now he has justified that to himself he clearly can't change.

Original poster

woahh · 29/07/2021 15:26

@woahh

I did say to him that I was going to leave and go to my mums and he was just yelling and saying I don't love him and that how he's depressed and that over the last month he's wanted to die and like I don't want him to but I don't know how much longer I can be with him and I wish it was that easy that I could break up with him and not see him again but I still have to I just don't know what to do

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/07/2021 15:33

You will still have to see him if he's going to remain in your dcs lives yes. But at least you won't be constantly wondering and worrying that he's out somewhere having sex with a man.

I think he's depressed because he's gay (or bi) and suffering the torment of not living an authentic life. That doesn't mean you have to hang around being cheated on.

MyMorningBrew · 29/07/2021 15:35

Whose mental health matters to you more? Yours or his?

fedup078 · 29/07/2021 15:45

Get rid and get an sti test

sadperson16 · 29/07/2021 15:46

Make him a GP appointment. Pack a bag,go elsewhere.

AddsVsGeorgs · 29/07/2021 15:47

Get a STI check!

NeverMetANiceOne · 29/07/2021 15:57

Can you talk to someone in real life, this is a pretty shocking situation and it sounds like you need some real guidance.
It is so far from normal or OK.

Sundancerintherain · 29/07/2021 16:34

He is hooking up. It doesn't matter which sex the person he is hooking up is, he is mugging you off.

EKGEMS · 29/07/2021 16:35

You don't "have to stay with him!" He's a lying, manipulative scum! You've given him more chances than most other women or men would. Very few people who claim depression caused them to behave like this are depressed and threatening suicide is classic manipulation. If he is claiming depression what steps has he taken? Has he gone to the doctor, started medication, attempted therapy? You need to leave, let him be a bad memory in your history. You deserve better than this.

DoulaDaisy · 29/07/2021 16:35

Your husband is bi at least, gay at most.

He is cheating on you by using a gay dating app and has had sexual relations with men. You need to get yourself an STI check immediately.

He is also gaslighting you by telling you that he is behaving this way because of his depression.

You need to figure out if you can put up with this type of life or leave him.

Slippersocks20 · 29/07/2021 16:43

So the guy is gay. Fair enough.
Hes using you as his I want to say ringer but thats a straight guy pretending to be gay. Beard is it??
Anyway.

Even now as much as society appears to be open and tolerant etc in some circumstances coming out can be hard still, particularly if friends and or family will take a dim view of it. And he may not accept it himself.

And the drunk reasoning ... well that's okay ... so everytime hes drunk he wants a man ...

If your OK being his beard ... then carry on. If not ... leave him. Short term it'll hurt both of you, the kids will get used to it. You won't have the need to check up on him. And he might actually realise that he can't hide who he is anymore.

Oh and threatening suicide, is not your issue. At all. Your mental and physical health is.

You can have an amicable split. Just be adults about it.

CoffeeOrSex · 29/07/2021 16:44

Ask yourself this - would you be as accepting if it was a woman he slept with and was now messaging?

budgun · 29/07/2021 16:45

I did say to him that I was going to leave and go to my mums and he was just yelling and saying I don't love him

I wouldn't live him either if he was having sex with people behind my back

and that how he's depressed and that over the last month he's wanted to die and like I don't want him to but I don't know how much longer I can be with him and I wish it was that easy that I could break up with him and not see him again

This is just a load of bullshit he is throwing blame to you and manipulating you. Leave.

Theunamedcat · 29/07/2021 16:49

He is cheating on you and your having unprotected sex with him

Book a doctors appointment for an sti check

raise your expectations fidelity is the bare minimum

Maggiesfarm · 29/07/2021 16:50

Phew! That was a long opening sentence.

I wouldn't trust him an inch, op. He is unfaithful to you.

This is such a sad situation.

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