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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner on Grindr

46 replies

woahh · 29/07/2021 14:41

I need help as I'm not sure what to do my partner has been on Grindr a few times before and one of the times he met up with somebody and did stuff with them which was in March and we argued loads about it and just told me he wasn't feeling great and that was his way of coping and I felt bad cause I loved him and still do and promised me he wouldn't go back on it again so this morning I seen he had downloaded it again as he had a message saying he had to be somewhere at 2 pop up but never told me anything about that and as I was swiping the app up I seen that he had downloaded and logged into Grindr and I looked on there and a couple people messaged him but he didn't message anybody unless he deleted them and when I asked him about it he said he was drunk and doesn't remember but as we carried on speaking he said he remembered and was just doing it to see what people were around and I'm not sure what to do as we have a 20month old and I'm roughly 2-3 months pregnant

OP posts:

HmmmmmmInteresting · 29/07/2021 16:53

What did I just read?

KarenSmith1963 · 29/07/2021 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

JingsMahBucket · 29/07/2021 20:13

@HmmmmmmInteresting

What did I just read?

Ma’am. I don’t even know. 😑

sleepyhoglet · 29/07/2021 21:53

Are you not also concerned that he's gay? Grindr is only for men. It's also pretty much a sex app as far as I know. He likes hooking up with men for sex. I'm quite forgiving but that would be too much for me and quite frankly I would be very very offended.

Theunamedcat · 29/07/2021 22:13

Its nothing to do with being gay or bisexual he is a cheater end of

bonfireheart · 29/07/2021 22:18

Do you want to me with him?
No. Then leave.
Yes. Then really ask yourself why (not the babies).

sleepyhoglet · 29/07/2021 22:19

@Theunamedcat but it is an additional thing to consider and another thing he concealed

MarshmallowsOnToast · 29/07/2021 22:25

Are you the poster who has posted a few times before about finding out your husband has been frequenting gay spas, admitted oral sex with a man there & gave you an STI?

If so, why are you still putting up with this shit??

If not, then sorry ignore the above - but why are you putting up with this shit??

WhiskeyGalore212 · 29/07/2021 22:29

No hetero man is active on grindr. Its a game hook up app.

He's either guy or bi.

Whichever, he's also a cheater.

Don't be his beard.

Don't let him blackmail you about his depression, his mental health etc.

Yours matters too, and he's wrecking it by cheating on you (and risking your physical health too).

It's not your problem that he doesn't want to come out as gay or bi. It's not your responsibility to keep his secret, not when he's cheating on you, mistreating you etc.

He's a coward. He wants a beard, he wants a front.

He has no right to do that to anyone.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 29/07/2021 22:34

*gay hook up app.

No-one changes sexuality due to depression or mental health issues. He's gay or bi.

If he's depressed or gas mental health issues, it's because he's living a lie. He needs to go into counselling or whatever ot takes to be honest with himself and other people, instead of using a woman as an unknowing beard.

Hw may not ever do that though .... there gave Bern women on herw whose marriages broke down because they discovered their husband was gay, abd he went on to marry another woman.

Some just can't ever admit or live it .... that's not your problem though. Ita absolutely disgusting for someone to treat someone else this way.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 29/07/2021 22:37

Oh and for the record, when heterosexual men cheat, they cheat with women.

He's not heterosexual.

He needs to stop lying to everyone. He's tried to live as a heterosexual and he clearly can't, since he's ended up on gay hook up sites.

me4real · 29/07/2021 23:07

There are men who have sex with men just because it is/was easier to get sex from men.

But nowadays with Fabswingers, unless they were really rough-looking I think most horny blokes could easily get heterosexual sex when they wanted it.

Chickenyhead · 29/07/2021 23:23

He is a cheat.

Either that's ok with you, or it isn't.

MissCruellaDeVil · 29/07/2021 23:42

Grindr is an app for gay men looking to have sex. Regardless, he is cheating on you, get rid and get an STI check asap.

CakeandCuddles · 29/07/2021 23:52

Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to your husband and you’ll soon realise you have nothing in common.

singlemummanurse · 29/07/2021 23:53

His sexuality is a moot point. His answer to depression is to have sex with someone other than you. Would it be acceptable if he slept with a woman just because he is depressed? Would it be acceptable for you to go and have sex with someone else? I'm sure you're feeling depressed right now op, so according to your partner you can go have sex with some random person and he can't be pissed at you? You can download tinder and get swiping and he just has to put up and shut up because you feel shit?
This relationship won't work, his answer to stressors in life is to cheat, he also more than likely is trying to suppress his sexuality, which doesn't tend to work out very well and he is also doing a shit job of trying to hide it. Rip the bandaid off op, for your own sake to give yourself time to heal before your new baby comes. Do what's best for you and your babies, you don't deserve to be treated this way

Sampafie · 30/07/2021 06:32

What????? Is this real life? OP you have got to be kidding. Hes having SEX with MEN and you are asking what to do? What??? You have got to be joking

layladomino · 30/07/2021 07:53

Why are you still with him?

He has cheated on you. He is clearly fishing around to cheat again (if he hasn't already). He is gay or bi. Since promising you he wouldn't do it again he's doing it again.

I can't believe you're questionning what to do. By forgiving him the first time he now believes that you will put up with anything and is dipping his toe in the water again. His lack of respect for you is shocking. He clearly doesn't value your relationship.

I suspect that he was so keen for you to stay as you are a good front to show the world he's straight and / or there are practical benefits such as affording a house, someone to clean and cook etc.

Because being gay or bi isn't a reason to cheat on your DP. It isn't an excuse.

You deserve so much better than him. Please don't hang around for him to continue cheating / lying. Imagine life with someone who adores you, who wants to be with only you, who yuo can trust completely. That life is achievable, but not with him.

NotaCoolMum · 30/07/2021 08:21

Is this really the man you want to raise your children with?

MNHQ

HebeMumsnet · 30/07/2021 12:16

Afternoon, all. We aren't too sure about this thread. We're going to take it down while we take a look behind the scenes.

Theunamedcat · 31/07/2021 21:16

Still here?

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