DP being rubbish during pregnancy

[Poppoppogo]

Currently 16 weeks pregnant. We had another scan yesterday. I’ve been very anxious about this pregnancy as we struggled to conceive and so I booked us another scan to bridge the gap until the 20 week one.

We were in a bit of a rush to get there yesterday, so I rang DP on my way home and asked if he could make me some lunch as I hadn’t got the chance to take a lunch break and he was home before me. Get home, no lunch made, ok fine, but we had to go.

Get there, park up, with 2 minutes to go until the appointment start time. I’d just read in the car that I had a form to fill in so had to be there a little early too. I was walking fast, but DP deliberately walked at his normal slow pace saying ‘we’ve still got a minute to get there’. I ignored him and just carried on, he was acting like a child. He also normally hates to be late, it was really odd.

Had the scan, all was fine, got a little free gift and 2 pics. I asked if he wanted to open the gift, no, you do it was his answer. I left the pictures out for him to look at. He hasn’t even glanced at them.

Got back into the car and I asked if we could just stop somewhere so I could pick up a sandwich. He made a massive fuss about the traffic and told me I wouldn’t eat my dinner if I ate now. I ate the sandwich and my dinner

These might seem really small, but the evening before we had a huge discussion about his involvement in the pregnancy. He doesn’t seem interested at all and it was beginning to make me feel really down. He shows no interest in how the baby’s doing, has no idea how I’m feeling or what I’m experiencing because he never asks. Never brings the baby or pregnancy up, shuts down conversations about it. Barely affectionate, and only really when he wants to have sex. Hasn’t even started the books I bought for us to read (I’ve finished both). I told him the other day that I’d been feeling a bit dizzy when his mum was over and he said ‘oh yeah, I felt really dizzy this morning at work’. That was the end of the conversation, he wasn’t even fussed about me (I went and bought him some breakfast biscuits to snack on so his blood sugar doesn’t drop too much in the morning, as I actually then started to worry about that!.

We wanted this baby, we used our savings for IVF. He’s normally great. Calm, kind, practical. I’ve asked him if he’s ok, if he’s feeling depressed or stressed, he says he’s fine. After our conversation he said that he just didn’t know what to expect from everything and would try to be a bit more involved. I thought he would actually get better, but today it was like we hadn’t talked at all.

I know it’s common for partners to not understand how their other halves are feeling during pregnancy, and I’ve read so many people saying their partners were crap during pregnancy and went on to be amazing dads, but honestly, I just expect a bit more from him. He’s not crap, he’s normally great, and it’s so hurtful and lonely.

Congratulations !

Maybe you’re pressurising him too much and he’s reActing my pulling away? To be honest I didn’t expect my husband to read pregnancy books or to take more interest than he normally did, I was pregnant not Ill. Or maybe he’s scared and trying to adjust.

He does sound like he’s being annoying, but it’s hard to guess why without his input.

No, my husband didn’t take much interest either. Mind you, this was the 70’s, before all the books, and scans.

I think a lot of men get alarmed at all the dramas that seem to erupt with pregnancy nowadays, and back away a bit.

I’m sure he’ll be fine once the baby arrives..

My husband wasn’t interested in pregnancy. It was like it was not real to him. All the changes were in my body, so it didn’t effect him and he didn’t really think about it ( until I was pushing past him to get to the toilet to throw up).
He didn’t even attend the scans.
Very different as a father, loved his time as a stay at home dad, very involved once baby was here.

Congratulations !

I wouldn't read too much into how he is at the moment, because it's often not until the pregnancy actually shows that some men make the connection, as stupid as that sounds.

As far as they can see, you're just the same. The 'baby' is not a 'baby' yet for him.

But to you, it's obvious you've 'changed', because you can feel it !

I'd keep telling him what's happening to you, and how big the baby is now etc to keep him 'up to date', and eventually he will make the RL connection.

He maybe feels like the baby is the only thing you ever talk about right now and that's why he keeps trying to change the topic of those conversations. It might be easier if you 'frame' the conversations differently ? i.e Instead of saying '' We need to start buying a pram and cot'', you might say ''What colour do you think we should get for the pram ?'' The latter is framed to involve him more, rather than telling him what he needs to do ?

He’s not crap, he’s normally great, and it’s so hurtful and lonely.

I would say exactly that to him. There’s a difference between not quite sure how to be involved and actively being an arse about it, and he seems to be drifting into camp 2.

Hmm. My husband has been amazing during this pregnancy and bought his own baby book to read; etc… but there was no pressure.

He wasn’t keen on additional scans but was really engaged when we were there - but to be honest, I don’t even know where my scan photos are. They don’t compare to the baby on the screen; most of the time! And I opened the “free gift” three days later, it’s just prompting particular goodies, they give it to everyone. It’s more marketing than special and I don’t think you can hold it against him that he wasn’t too interested…

It felt a bit of an abstract concept even to me until I felt movement.

I don’t think he’s done anything hurtful and it doesn’t sound like you need to be lonely… but I’m not sure what your expectations are, really. He should have made lunch if he had the time, but that’s a tiny point.

I’d be careful of the pressure that you’re putting on everyone, including you

Barely affectionate, and only really when he wants to have sex.

That would be crap behaviour even if you weren’t pregnant.

On the pregnancy, I can’t relate to this at all. Neither of us had read a book by 16 weeks but DH was incredibly invested and interested and supportive from the start. He’d definitely have me lunch, he’d have got me a sandwich without asking and he was always thoughtful about my needs.

You haven’t done anything wrong, you’re not expecting too much or being precious and I’d be worried. Sorry

He was crap about the food. And only being affectionate when he wants a shag isn’t on either. Unrelated to the pregnancy he sounds like an arse. But I do think you’re expecting too much with regard to a non medical scan. Did you discuss it with him before booking? The scans are expensive, and if it’s one of those high street scanning places then they aren’t even done by a proper medical professional. Maybe he’s finding it very hard to deal with your anxiety and possibly didn’t agree with booking another scan? Also, remember baby isn’t really a baby for him yet. I never took DH to any of my scans or medical appointments, he always asked how they went afterwards, but he wasn’t particularly interested beyond that. He’s a great dad and has done 50:50 from day 1. But then again if I asked him to make me lunch he’d do it without question and he’s interested in me for stuff other than sex. I totally understand why you’re hurt.

It's a huge adjustment for everyone and he may just not feel involved yet. I'm sure it will get better, but stop pushing him to behave in a way he doesn't want to yet. If things don't improve then talk to him again. I think it's normal for women to be more excited about a first pregnancy than the man

People just don’t get it as they are not the ones carrying the baby so don’t have that connection. To them there is no baby yet. Obviously women who have children get it though as they have had that pre bond themselves but I think it’s like hay fever, unless you’ve had it before you don’t really get it!

Why didn't he make you food? Is he normally affectionate or just when he wants sex?

I understand OP. You feel anxious and vulnerable and (reasonably) like your partner should be stepping up, but instead the opposite seems to be happening. You aren’t asking too much and it sounds like he’s being petulant and childish about the pregnancy. Perhaps he finds it irritating that it’s consuming so much of your attention (and no doubt knows he can’t say that out loud), but frankly he needs to get over it. Do you usually do lots of looking after him? I ask because of the breakfast biscuit buying. If so, that might be adding to the current dynamic.

I would stop trying to have big heart to hearts with him, and also try not to let his mood get to you. He’s being a prat but will hopefully adjust in time. Look after yourself and don’t be afraid to ask straightforwardly for what you need from him on a practical level. That at least he can do, and hopefully the other stuff (taking more interest in baby books, etc) will come in time.

How many books are you expecting him to read... I've had 2 children and didn't read a single book on pregnancy, babies or parenting. Nor did I want to talk about the pregnancy. It does sound as though you're being quite 'intense' in this pregnancy.

The lunch, sandwich and affection/sex thing aren't on though.

I'm going to assume this is definitely your first child. Is it his?

The reality is that in the early days we, as women, experience all these changes - bodies, hormones, etc, but for men they just get to see pictures on a screen. They don't have the physical changes that we do so it can be harder for them to feel involved.

There are certain things where he's being an arse - lack of affection, not making lunch - but there are other areas where you're getting anxious and he's just not, like rushing for the appointment.
I'm like you - 1 or 2 minutes late stresses me out - but try and just relax a little. A

He is showing annoyance at you by behaving like he has done. His protestations of he not being depressed or stressed also suggests otherwise.

On a wider level I would be wanting to give this child your surname rather than his particularly if you are not married.

He wouldn't make you lunch when you asked him to because you wouldn't have time. That's poor behaviour whether or not you're pregnant. Then he grumbled that you wanted to stop and buy a sandwich? Again, unpleasant of him. He's only interested in you if he wants sex? He's starting to sound quite unpleasant.

Not reading books - I won't judge him on that. I don't think I'd read any books myself by that stage when I was pregnant. But not looking at the photos / being generally unpleasant and disinterested suggests there's something bothering him.

You say he's always been a kind and good partner, and that you both really wanted the baby. If I were you, I'd share your concerns - just as you did in your op - and ask for his honesty. It sounds like your fundamental relationship is a good one and could stand an honest conversation.

How supportive was he during the IVF OP?

What’s he like when you’re ill?

@Poppoppogo save your op text on your phone somewhere and let it serve as a list of little red flags

My worry is that he’s showing you who he is. The slow walking and sulu behaviour and sex on his terms reminds me of my ex.

You need to read matey the riot act and say how when you’re asking for a sandwich you expect him to make it as you would for him, the dragging his feet like a toddler etc is deeply unattractive and you’d hate to lose respect for him, cos that’s game over territory

Congratulations on being PG, keep healthy happy and well, but keep you’re eyes open and don’t put up with this crap

The food thing was a bit rubbish of him, and not being affectionate unless he wants sex is not good at all. I'd definitely talk to him about that.

But, my personal experience- pregnancy always made me feel lonely in a certain way. Because no matter how interested and supportive people around you are, what you are experiencing is happening to you alone, it's between you and your baby all inside your own body, and that aspect of it gave me moments of feeling very isolated at times. The flip side, though, is that it's between your baby and you- that this is something only you two share and that makes it really special and amazing.

I'd definitely ease off the pressure though. If you're pressuring him to read books and get as invested in every detail as you are, you're just setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment, and really those things are not the measure of a good dad.

He should be showing affection and making sure your needs (like eating enough, resting when you need to) are cared for though. Definitely.

DH was great during my pregnancy but I wouldn't expect him to get excited about random gift they would give us at the sonographers

People react differently. Maybe you're expecting him to feel the exact same as you. For you things have changed a lot suddenly, maybe for him is more of a gradual change. Don't take it to heart but be aware if he continues withdrawn. DH was my absolute rock during deliveries and difficult decisions (had to sign a form one time that I was leaving the hospital against medical advise....... bumbumholes!)

I think maybe you’re expecting too much OP. You’ve got to remember it won’t be real for him yet, my DH watches all the scans on the screen while they’re happening so doesn’t look at the pictures, he’s had 3 already so I imagine it’s more of a been there done that kind of thing while I’m more excited as it’s my first 😂 they say pregnancy is rather lonely

Talk to him, communication is key 😁

I think you’re being slightly overbearing. I have 5 DC and didn’t bother reading any books, just winged it and done a brilliant job if I do say so myself! I think most men struggle with pregnancy because it isn’t happening to them so they don’t fully understand. I’m sure he’ll be ok when the baby arrives. Not making you lunch was shite of him but that’s the only thing I’d say.

The not being so engaged with the pregnancy is not particularly alarming. My husband admitted he would often forget I was pregnant until it became really visually obvious whilst I was living and breathing it all the time! He'd ask me to do things like help him move heavy stuff and then seem surprised when I couldn't. He didn't come to all my scans either if it was tricky to get time off work. He was very involved as soon as the babies were born though.

However the lunch and sex stuff is more concerning. Did he agree to make you lunch when you called him and then not do it? My husband wouldn't necessarily have thought ahead about what I "needed" but if I'd explained clearly he would have jumped to it!

The only being affectionate when he wants sex would be worrying in any relationship.

I would be wondering if he's already "put out" by the baby being number 1 in your life. Some men are like that unfortunately. Do you usually have a dynamic where you "look after" his needs?

Hear what you’re saying about the pressure! I will try and ease off. I’ve been trying not to mention it too much before our conversation, but it just ended up frustrating me going days and days without talking about it because he would never mention it! I don’t need full excitement, but perhaps noticing that I’m sleeping terribly, or giving my arm a little stroke when I’ve had a shitty day at work would be nice. I feel like these are normal, kind, emotionally mature relationship things, not too above and beyond?

This is my 3rd child, his first. I think these are all red flags for me because this is what my ex husband was like. But I expected it from my my ex because he WAS crap. Not reading the book, not knowing anything about what was going on, being no help during labour, me having to take care of myself, that was all expected with him. But DP is so different, it’s come as a shock that he’s being the same.

A few of my friends have just had babies, their husbands were so supportive and helpful. I’m trying not to compare myself with them. But it’s really tricky when they’re telling me about how looked after they felt! I’ll get them to tell me some shit things their husbands did too, there must be something!!

I have 3 separate things that make me ‘high risk’, so my anxiety is wobbly. I feel like I’m being practical and handling it ok, but perhaps that’s not how it’s coming off.

My focus is a bit more on the books because I really want a lovely labour this time. I’ve been practicing hypnobirthing techniques and that requires him to be involved and be my advocate. I don’t care how he learns it- books, podcasts, YouTube, I don’t care! I don’t ask for things like this very much, I don’t like being the centre of attention or to be fussed over, but this is really important to me. If he’d started it, fine, we have a while, but he hasn’t even looked at it. He normally likes to do his research, you should see him buying a car or some tools!

I don’t really ‘look after’ him, he’s really self sufficient, so I’m not sure he’s worried about that.
The biscuit thing was because I thought I could either be petty and annoyed about it, or I could be kind.