DP being rubbish during pregnancy

[Poppoppogo]

Currently 16 weeks pregnant. We had another scan yesterday. I’ve been very anxious about this pregnancy as we struggled to conceive and so I booked us another scan to bridge the gap until the 20 week one.

We were in a bit of a rush to get there yesterday, so I rang DP on my way home and asked if he could make me some lunch as I hadn’t got the chance to take a lunch break and he was home before me. Get home, no lunch made, ok fine, but we had to go.

Get there, park up, with 2 minutes to go until the appointment start time. I’d just read in the car that I had a form to fill in so had to be there a little early too. I was walking fast, but DP deliberately walked at his normal slow pace saying ‘we’ve still got a minute to get there’. I ignored him and just carried on, he was acting like a child. He also normally hates to be late, it was really odd.

Had the scan, all was fine, got a little free gift and 2 pics. I asked if he wanted to open the gift, no, you do it was his answer. I left the pictures out for him to look at. He hasn’t even glanced at them.

Got back into the car and I asked if we could just stop somewhere so I could pick up a sandwich. He made a massive fuss about the traffic and told me I wouldn’t eat my dinner if I ate now. I ate the sandwich and my dinner

These might seem really small, but the evening before we had a huge discussion about his involvement in the pregnancy. He doesn’t seem interested at all and it was beginning to make me feel really down. He shows no interest in how the baby’s doing, has no idea how I’m feeling or what I’m experiencing because he never asks. Never brings the baby or pregnancy up, shuts down conversations about it. Barely affectionate, and only really when he wants to have sex. Hasn’t even started the books I bought for us to read (I’ve finished both). I told him the other day that I’d been feeling a bit dizzy when his mum was over and he said ‘oh yeah, I felt really dizzy this morning at work’. That was the end of the conversation, he wasn’t even fussed about me (I went and bought him some breakfast biscuits to snack on so his blood sugar doesn’t drop too much in the morning, as I actually then started to worry about that!.

We wanted this baby, we used our savings for IVF. He’s normally great. Calm, kind, practical. I’ve asked him if he’s ok, if he’s feeling depressed or stressed, he says he’s fine. After our conversation he said that he just didn’t know what to expect from everything and would try to be a bit more involved. I thought he would actually get better, but today it was like we hadn’t talked at all.

I know it’s common for partners to not understand how their other halves are feeling during pregnancy, and I’ve read so many people saying their partners were crap during pregnancy and went on to be amazing dads, but honestly, I just expect a bit more from him. He’s not crap, he’s normally great, and it’s so hurtful and lonely.

I'm astounded at the number of posters who didn't read a book on pregnancy during their first pregnancy. Why wouldn't you do that? It's the single biggest change your body will ever go through - where would you get your information from if not from a book?

I'm sorry your partner's behaving like this, OP. It must be very hurtful.

My husband would never have read a book about pregnancy (nor did I I, but had done midwifery training), didn’t come to scans with me as that wasn’t allowed at that time, certainly didn’t come to any appointments and needed persuading to come home half way through a charity cricket match when I went into Labour - but he was there for each birth and was a very involved and fantastic father to them. By and large pregnancy is happening to you not him, he probably just doesn’t get it

@HollowTalk

I'm astounded at the number of posters who didn't read a book on pregnancy during their first pregnancy. Why wouldn't you do that? It's the single biggest change your body will ever go through - where would you get your information from if not from a book?

I'm sorry your partner's behaving like this, OP. It must be very hurtful.

I just took the view that women all over the world had been having babies for millenia without the aid of books.

I didn't drink alcohol, didn't smoke, and didn't eat any of the foods I wasn't supposed to. Other than that, I 'listened' to my body.

I had a quick flick through the birth to 5 book the midwife gave me but i didn't read it and beyond that nothing.

But then i didnt go to any ante natal classes either. Or join that middle class parenting organisation whose name escapes me now!

I think this thread shows why I find the phrase "we're pregnant" to he the most irksome one anyone (women in particular) could utter!

@HollowTalk

I'm astounded at the number of posters who didn't read a book on pregnancy during their first pregnancy. Why wouldn't you do that? It's the single biggest change your body will ever go through - where would you get your information from if not from a book?

I'm sorry your partner's behaving like this, OP. It must be very hurtful.

@Poppoppogo Err how do you think women for a millenia have been preparing for their babies before this very recent 'baby book' trend

Most baby books just tell you things which are common sense anyway or just their personal opinions with no empirical evidence to back it up, and are made just to extract money from worried expectant mothers.

Most capable women are able to make the right decisions for their baby and how they want to raise them, without relying on the whims of a random woman/ghostwriter who's never met them or their baby.

You learn much more from your own mum and the rest by natural instinct. Then there's basic safety instructions from the hospital/NHS website. No one needs a baby book.

A lot of the women who obsess over baby books and similar end up creating unnecessary anxiety for themselves and the baby. If I was the OP's boyfriend I'd be getting annoyed she's still so absorbed with all this nonsense and intensity when it's her third child and she should be way more chilled by now!

I agree with others that I would give the baby your surname since you're unmarried. He hasn't committed to you so why give the baby his name.

pinkyredrose
Why didn't he make you food? Is he normally affectionate or just when he wants sex?

These are what stuck out for me. These have nothing to do with pregnancy. These are about being a good partner. For me, these are the red flags that show you how he actually feels about you.

I never understand the argument you do not need to prepare as women have been doing it forever. This is ridiculous. We generally have much better health care now that over the past millennia, and still one woman will die every two minutes from pregnancy complications or childbirth. Over 300,000 every year. You need to know what to look for, when to ask for help, when to demand attention. Of course you need to prepare.

I think you are setting him up to fail with weirdly specific requirements for him to react in a certain way. Why can’t he think and feel how he does? Why does he have to read books, attend extra scans, hide his own dizzy spells so you can be central at all times? Why? It’s lovely and exciting that you are pregnant but different people prepare and experience things differently. It sounds like your previous partner disappointed too. Perhaps just let everyone choose who they want to be???

Ok @SarahDarah, thank you.

I don’t really think that the argument of ‘women have been giving birth without books for Millennia’ is particularly relevant.
We live in a completely different society from that which our ancestors gave birth in. We don’t live in those tight-knit communities anymore, where women are supported by other women. The only advice and experience some women can get in this disjointed world is from books, the internet and shit PSED classes.

Most births take place behind closed doors and if your only experience of childbirth is watching ‘one born’ and anecdotes about your friends neighbour tearing from end to end, the idea of birth can be terrifying.

Having instinct is all well and good, but I truly feel (and experienced, my previous 2 births weren’t great) that if you’re not informed about your options and rights, then instinct in childbirth can quickly go out the window.

I unfortunately don’t have a mum to get advice from, I borrowed the books as they were recommended by friends (no money wasted there), and I’ve actually found one in particular very useful at both preparing me practically and giving me a better outlook about labour. I simply wish DP to be informed about what kind of things I might need help with during that time, and to show him that labour is not the bloodbath he might be expecting.

Him not reading the book, whilst annoying, is the least of my concerns.

@5zeds I think perhaps it’s because he would’ve reacted differently before pregnancy to those things.
Also if the shoe was on the other foot, I feel like I would be empathising with him a bit more and showing more interest, as I do when he tells me he’s feeling ill or tired or talking for an hour about going for a driving experience he’s going on, which I secretly have little interest in!

I never understand the argument you do not need to prepare as women have been doing it forever. This is ridiculous. We generally have much better health care now that over the past millennia, andstillone woman will die every two minutes from pregnancy complications or childbirth. Over 300,000 every year. You need to know what to look for, when to ask for help, when to demand attention. Of course you need to prepare.

Well I didn't. I had two healthy children albeit one born 5 weeks early by emergency CS. If you feel ill or something concerns you, you go to the doctor or speak to your midwife. You don't need to pore over pregnancy books. Far better to pay attention to your own body.

One of my children has recently finished university and the other is doing well at school. One hospital admission and one ND diagnosis between them. Both well rounded, well behaved, open and communicative individuals and not a single baby or parenting book in the house 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pregnancy and childbirth related deaths are obviously tragic but I fail to see how reading books would help. The NHS and your midwife have all the information available.

Maybe it’s regret. You can get so caught up in the journey to get there and then theres an “oh shit my life is going to change a lot” moment. Tbh though I don’t get why he didn’t sort you out food. My DH would have sorted something even if he packed it so I could eat in the car. Its quite mean not to make you anything at all and then moan about stopping for food, I was starving all the time. I think you need to have a proper sit down conversation, the way its going on now I’d be worried about how much interest he’s going to take in the baby.

Also DH did read a book so he would have some idea of how to look after a baby and me (he also made me watch youtube videos on babycare and pregnancy - I actually wanted to watch walking dead 🙄). I don’t think it’s unusual to read something about babies at some point before you have one. Downside is he kept checking my blood pressure upside he saw a pregnancy massage thing which worked out great for me.

as I do when he tells me he’s feeling ill or tired or talking for an hour about going for a driving experience he’s going on, which I secretly have little interest in! so you fake interest and want him to do the same? Surely it would be better to just be honest with each other

I get annoyed when driving and someone wants to stop to grab a sandwich or whatever, I do it but it's bloody irritating imo especially if there is traffic about. I'll be honest I'm not hugely surprised that a man hasn't read 2 books on childbirth you've selected for you both, as you've read them, why not tell him what you want? The books aren't going to tell him what's important to you anyway, you can do that to make sure he supports and advocates for you in the way you want him him. Do you think perhaps he's nervous too and doesn't want to say?

@5zeds oh no! Not really fake interest, but as it’s something he’s interested in then I show an interest too, even though it’s not my favourite topic iyswim. I’m not sure why someone would fake interest in illness or tiredness, I would always be interested and concerned if he was not feeling great.

I would imagine he might be feeling nervous @Noterook, but I wish he’d just tell me, but he insists everything’s fine.

You are describing faking interest in something though. It’s not your preferred topic and you engage to please him.

Is it that you don’t think he cares that you feel tired? That you don’t feel he cosseted enough by feeding you lunch etc? You seem really need him to perform his feelings and that they be the feelings you require rather than those he’s experiencing.

It’s fairly common to feel dizzy during pregnancy and also to need meals on time. You could keep a snack in your bag or glovebox and just get on with it? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with either of your approaches but I don’t think it’s great that you push each other to behave in one way or another.

@5zeds yep! Sorry, I need him to show me that he cares. Unfortunately I just don’t think an ‘I love you’ once in a while and simply being present is enough for a relationship to actually be pleasant. I expect us to work as a partnership and, as we have done in the past, show each other we care by taking an interest or showing kindness or being helpful and looking out for each other Etc. I really don’t think that’s much to ask for, in fact if we managed it in the past, surely we should be supporting each other even more now?

Obviously no one knows except for him, but I felt similar during pregnancy towards my DH. He was supportive but not overly engaged with stuff in the way I would have liked him to have been. We talked about it a lot, and talked about it once DS was here, and he admitted he saw how stressed I was and wanted to be a support for me, not also crumbling (and in hindsight some of the stuff I was bothered with didn't matter at all in the scheme of things).

@Poppoppogo I would ignore SarahDarah they comment on numerous threads multiple times with questionable opinions

Hope he doesn’t turn out to be a bad egg because so far it’s passive aggressive IDGAF behaviour. Does he hate you being centre of attention of anything, or hate the fact that care and attention will now be focused on you as a pregnant woman?

My DH was crap at the start of my pregnancy. He didn’t understand that pregnancy symptoms are really strong in the first trimester, it thought it got harder as time went on not easier.

I asked him to read commando Dad, it’s short and too the point. It’s also got really obvious stuff which DH laughed at like remember to ask your partner how their midwife appointment went but it sounds like your DP a would find this helpful.

I would ignore SarahDarah they comment on numerous threads multiple times with questionable opinions

Giving your baby your surname if not married is very good advice tbh.

You do realise you've still got a long way to go, right? What's the rush to read books on giving birth etc now?

But he WAS there, taking you to the extra scan. Did he disappoint during the fertility treatment too? I’d be irritated if I asked someone to make me lunch and they said “yes” and then didn’t bother, but I’d also be capable of opening the fridge and grabbing something or going to a vending machine, or just having a biscuit in my bag. Do you think you are disappointing each other or it’s just you that is unsatisfied?

I feel my DH is really useless too. Seems to have no interest in the pregnancy or how I'm feeling etc. My hope is that the pregnancy just doesn't seem real to him & that once baby gets here things improve significantly.