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Original poster

Horrible horrible SIL and making someone see sense

30 replies

PinkmugofTea · 28/07/2021 16:34

Honestly she’s awful. Making DB life hell.

Massive insecurities and jealousy. He’s done nothing to deserve it. She’s controlling and he now has dropped family and friends on her say so.
We’ve even offered him a place to stay, he won’t leave. He says it’s because of the baby. We have said bring the baby but he won’t.

He’s got rid of FB and IG on her say so as she didn’t like him having any female acquaintances so he deleted the accounts. He basically has no life.

I tried to speak to her and got told to kind my own business. This was after an incident where a mutual friend needed some car help and text him but sil who obviously had his phone replied telling her to ‘sort your own Life out and pay someone to do it rather than trying to get my husband round ‘

That’s just one of many things, she’s just insanely jealous and controlling and unpleasant.
He can’t see he needs to leave her and we’ve tried. He deserves someone kind who will let him have a life.
I’m just really irritated that he won’t listen . We’ve literally offered him somewhere and he can’t see sense. He’s too nice and geeks guilt when he’s done nothing wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkmugofTea · 28/07/2021 16:35

geeks !
He’s not a geek that should say ‘feels guilt’

Just feel so bad for him

OP posts:
Chiffandbip · 28/07/2021 16:37

I think in this kind of situation you need to just be there to catch him when he finally sees sense. People just won’t be told and you don’t want to risk him pushing you away.
I know it’s hard but aside from showing him a check list of narcissistic abuse to see if it will resonate with him, until he’s ready he won’t leave because it sounds as though he is the victim of control.

Original poster
PinkmugofTea · 28/07/2021 16:38

@Chiffandbip

I think in this kind of situation you need to just be there to catch him when he finally sees sense. People just won’t be told and you don’t want to risk him pushing you away. I know it’s hard but aside from showing him a check list of narcissistic abuse to see if it will resonate with him, until he’s ready he won’t leave because it sounds as though he is the victim of control.
It just gets to me, the longer it goes on I know the more pieces there will be to pick up. She’s just got to the point where he’s being emotionally crushed and I hate seeing it
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2021 16:39

You really need to back off for now, because all you're doing to driving him straight to her. You are just validating all of the nonsense she's filling his head with. "Your family hate me and they're trying to destroy our family", blah, blah, blah.

I'm sure it's very difficult, but back off. He needs to figure this out for himself.

Chiffandbip · 28/07/2021 16:40

It’s tragic but some people for their own reasons take a lot longer than others to value themselves, put boundaries in place and even to spot when they’re being abused.
Count yourself lucky you’re not one of these people and be there for him when it inevitably ends.

Roselilly36 · 28/07/2021 16:40

I can’t see you being thanked for interfering, it is probably making matters worse, leave your brother to it and mind your own business, it’s his life not yours.

candycane222 · 28/07/2021 16:41

No point in getting annoyed with him I would have thought. If it is an abusive relationship as you describe, it will probably take him a long time to get away, even if he decides he wants to. He certainly can't just "bring the baby" either. The fact he is father not mother will complicate things for him.

He needs a lot of time and possibly third party (ie professioall) help to work out if he wants to leave, and then actually leaving will also be difficult and complex.

This would be different if she was violent to him or their child of course, but it doesn't sound as though this is the case.

However frustrated with him you might be, you can't just tell him what to do and expect him to obey!

Original poster
PinkmugofTea · 28/07/2021 16:41

@Aquamarine1029

You really need to back off for now, because all you're doing to driving him straight to her. You are just validating all of the nonsense she's filling his head with. "Your family hate me and they're trying to destroy our family", blah, blah, blah.

I'm sure it's very difficult, but back off. He needs to figure this out for himself.

Yes I know you’re right but I’m so so irritated she thinks she can do this to someone he’s literally the nicest man but he’s become her doormat. The excuses he makes for her behaviour are getting more far fetched and she is getting smugger.

I know I need to take a step back but I just want to go and pick him up and get him away from her. He’s a grown man he has to see sense himself but it’s like he’s blind to her behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkmugofTea · 28/07/2021 16:46

I’ll reluctantly take a step back. It’s just so hard as I can see what’s happening and I hate anyone being treated shittily or manipulated.

I hope he sees sense soon and runs

OP posts:
candycane222 · 28/07/2021 16:53

I believe there is a charity - ' Mankind' perhaps?, that might be able to advise him if he were open to contacting them?

Spanglemum · 28/07/2021 16:54

I don't know if this would work but if he comes out with some bizarre excuse for her behaviour can you give a 'reality check'? Like "really??? That doesn't sound very likely".
I think though all you can do is be there to help him when he sees the light.

FogHornInTheAttic · 28/07/2021 17:04

I doubt he'd be allowed to remove his baby from its mother but yanbu to be worrying

dapsnotplimsolls · 28/07/2021 17:16

This might be useful:

mensadviceline.org.uk/

There's a section for friends and family too.

mbosnz · 28/07/2021 17:19

Well, I can't see him waltzing merrily into the sunset with the baby without the Mother having a few things to say about it.

SaltySheepdog · 28/07/2021 17:22

What sort of thing is she doing?

Dotell · 28/07/2021 19:39

Same thing happening to my brother. She is physically abusive too. We have offered him a place to stay, he refuses as well. It hard but I've left him to it. I know I shouldn't but I'm getting angry with him. I have lost a lot of respect for him.

Mammma91 · 28/07/2021 20:01

This sounds dreadful OP.
He potentially feels trapped because of the baby. Maybe fear she would stop him seeing the baby if he did leave?

singlemummanurse · 28/07/2021 20:07

There is a very good documentary on BBC iplayer abused by my girlfriend I think it's called. Based on real life events, might be worth a watch as the beginning sounds similar to how it started for the young man. Think there was probably links to advise lines on there but was a few years ago now so some may be out of date.

Vivi0 · 28/07/2021 20:27

I’m really torn on this one.

You come across as really domineering yourself, and your suggestion for your brother to leave his wife and take their baby with him is fucking insane.

I agree with another poster that you are definitely making things worse.

This is your brother’s life and, whilst I can imagine the situation may be upsetting for you, you come across really angry that your brother won’t just do as you say. That is controlling too.

Mintlegs · 28/07/2021 22:10

Have you said anything to her? What has she done to be abusive?

Hawkins001 · 28/07/2021 22:23

Omg, all the best op

HelloDulling · 28/07/2021 22:28

All you can do is keep being there. Keep messaging with your news, asking how he is, suggesting a get together. Then when he makes a decision he will know he can come to you.

What would happen if you invited them both over for lunch?

Googlewasmyidea1 · 28/07/2021 22:59

@Vivi0

I’m really torn on this one.

You come across as really domineering yourself, and your suggestion for your brother to leave his wife and take their baby with him is fucking insane.

I agree with another poster that you are definitely making things worse.

This is your brother’s life and, whilst I can imagine the situation may be upsetting for you, you come across really angry that your brother won’t just do as you say. That is controlling too.

It's not controlling or domineering, it's concern and worry
Cooklane · 28/07/2021 23:27

Db has ended up with someone like this. No advice sadly but watching with interest.

Does your db have a history of low self esteem/mh difficulties...did he experience any childhood trauma?

thisisnotmyllama · 29/07/2021 00:13

This sounds very much like my DH’s first marriage.

His family tried hard to make him see sense - even to the point of a beloved grandfather telling him outright not to marry her, just before the wedding, because he could see what she was going to be like, and he was right - but it did no good, and after they did eventually split up, it only had the effect of exacerbating and entrenching her hatred of his family and passing that hatred on to her DC. They used to do things like rip birthday cards from their grandparents in half and post them back (after removing the enclosed cheque, of course!).

All you can do is me sure that your DB knows you’re all there for him, and be ready to support him when he does finally emerge. Preferably without any ‘I told you so’s.