How to actually *sleep* with new man!

[DivorcedAndDelighted]

I've had a very nice thing develop with a friend during the last year. The sex is great - it's the sleep that's the problem! Over the last few months we've been spending the whole night together when family situations allow, which is maybe once a week (we see each other at other times too) . But I'm having trouble actually sleeping, and often take ages to get to sleep when sharing a bed with him, or wake up early and struggle to get back to sleep. This comes after a long marriage where for years I'd only shared a bed with my exH or one of my kids, or in recent years slept alone.
I think part of the problem is that I'm too excited, not in a sexual way but maybe emotionally. This chap is not a fidget, and we both enjoy cuddling up and spooning, which is lovely after a physically and emotionally distant exH. But I feel like my whole body is alive and I'm enjoying the touch and the closeness so much, I can't switch off and go to sleep. It's not a sexual thing - it's a whole body sensory thing. I feel very alive and very happy while lying there - I don't mind - even when I wake up at 4am and can't get back to sleep, I just enjoy how lovely it feels, but I am left very tired! We are going on holiday together soon and I'm slightly worried I won't get much sleep. Any suggestions? It's been about 25 years since I had to get used to actually sleeping beside a new person.

From my experience it's not a good sign for the longevity of the relationship. For me it means I'm not completely relaxed with him and there's something subconscious keeping me awake.

I had this for a while - had been single and lived alone for ten years. We made a deal - bit of a cuddle and chat before bed, then roll over to our own side of the bed. No trying to fall asleep in each other’s arms, because that only happens in chick-lit films. He wears earplugs because I snore. Took a while but now we are fine.

I had similar. I wasn't relaxing because it was so different to sleeping on my own. It's warmer for starters and it took me a while to get used to. It did settle eventually though

You can sleep separately you know. Just send him to the spare room and one of you can wake the other one up with a cuddle or even breakfast the next morning :)

No fecken way would I share a bed every night in a relationship. Fair enough if you both happen to fall asleep of course but in general you'll sleep better with your own space.

I had this with my new bf, it’s calmed down now and I can sleep.
I suggest cuddle then go to your own sides. And /or you’ll get used to sleeping with him and you’ll calm down

@Umberellatheweatha

You can sleep separately you know. Just send him to the spare room and one of you can wake the other one up with a cuddle or even breakfast the next morning :)

No fecken way would I share a bed every night in a relationship. Fair enough if you both happen to fall asleep of course but in general you'll sleep better with your own space.

You realise not everyone just has a spare room surely?

Stick him on the couch then! xD

@stodgystollen

From my experience it's not a good sign for the longevity of the relationship. For me it means I'm not completely relaxed with him and there's something subconscious keeping me awake.

Oh that's a shame @stodgystollen, but I don't think it's what's going on here. I had no problem sleeping in a bed beside ExH for years despite being hurt, resentful and feeling unloved, so being unable to relax didn't stop with him. But I can see how it certainly could do that, like sleeping with one eye open.

I have had exactly this, always had it eaely on on relationships but rediscovered it recently after 25 years with exh.

I think i finally got used to it when we could spend several nights on a row together so i finally got over it.

No other tips unfortunately, sorry!

Thanks @PositiveLife, @SweatyBetty20 and @AnotherLongDay, maybe I need to move to my own side to sleep then. I wouldn't want separate rooms though @Umberellatheweatha - my ExH insisted on separate rooms near the end and I hated it, felt so abandoned. I know it works well for lots of people but I absolutely love sharing a bed - I just need to learn to sleep better with this person!

I had this with an ex
Looking back I just didn't relax with him as a person
Sexually compatible
Nice man he lives locally I sometimes see him, always pleasant

But I just felt a bit unsettled round him

Eventually he said he felt like
That and we agreed to separate

I definitely relax with him - it's really nice. The sleep issue feels more like over-excitement than tension. I should probably try some centering / meditation type exercises when I have trouble sleeping. Thanks all!

I felt like this with.my partner when we got together 3 years ago but it doesnt last nor is it sustainable lol , sometimes we cuddle and I love it being all curled up in his arms but equally I like my own space so will sod off too the far side of my side of the bed burritoing in the duvet x

@DivorcedAndDelighted

Over excitement lying in bed trying to go to sleep???????????

Sounds like a kid at a sleepover!!!

You need to ask yourself why this is

Moving forward is this really sustainable?

Probably not

Thank god you don't live with him all the time, don't do that it sounds like it's
Not a great situation for you unfortunately

I think you need to be realistic -

As a side note of you aren't settled with him which you clearly aren't I'd be questioning the whole relationship

You just sound happy to me. Enjoy it, eventually you'll sleep

I really don't think this is something you can question a good relationship over! Do you actually sleep together often?
And actually falling asleep in somebody's arms does happen. If I'm sleeping with the bf I do, and it is the most incredible, wonderful feeling of being safe and protected I have ever known. We don't stay like that but falling asleep like it is blissful.

It's new, it will settle down. I get what you mean about being too buzzed to sleep.

I get this completely! I have been the same with new partners and it's because I'm just not used to sharing the bed with someone else. I has to resort to nytol on the odd occasion at first, then eventually I got used to it. I always have nytol at the ready as I'm prone to bouts of poor sleep and anything can wake me up. So, someone moving around in bed, snoring etc and I've no chance of sleeping!

Definitely no need to ‘question the whole relationship’! I fully understand this. And sleep comes much more naturally and deeply to some people than others. I struggle to sleep if Im excited or strongly stimulated. I think it’s at least partly to do with sensitivity. It is in my case, anyway. Hopefully it’ll settle for you. Definitely move to your side of bed for actual sleep.

Sometimes I feel like that with my dp, together a year. I love him so much. Sometimes I go for a nap in the afternoon though, either alone or with him, which makes up the shortfall on sleep.

I was like this! It’s just exciting and nice to be happy. It will settle down. I still get like it now sometimes though, usually after a date night. I just love him so much and it keeps me awake sometimes!

It does settle, OP. When DH and I first moved in together as students, we both used to fall asleep in lectures as soon as the lights went down to show slides - we were just so exhausted and sleep deprived from the novelty of nights together!
You just need the initial novelty and buzzing high to calm a little, and exhaustion to set in - you will sleep then!
Meanwhile just enjoy the feeling of bliss. And stop making the rest of us wistful!

In Scandinavia people often sleep in a double bed with single duvets which is great for having your own space but still sharing. But otherwise you’ll just get used to it I think

I’m the same with a new partner. It takes me a while to “let go” and let myself relax enough to sleep.

It does pass eventually, usually once I’ve stopped worrying I’m going to fart or talk on my sleep, or that I feel secure enough that farting or talking in my sleep isn’t going to have him running for the hills. Hahah.

I was like this when I first starting sleeping with new BF. Like you - had slept next to exH for years then single for a while so sleeping next to a new man took some getting used to. Everyone sleeps differently so you'll have to get used to whatever position/sleep habits your BF has - and he will be doing the same for you even if subconsciously.
I totally relate to the feeling over over excitement - to begin with when sleeping with my BF I felt like a kid on xmas morning - all excited and I couldn't wait for him to wake up!! Weird and I know very giddy schoolgirl like but that was how it felt. Things have calmed down since and I now sleep better with him there then when he's away.