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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I settle

28 replies

Whatdoesonedo · 28/07/2021 14:19

I met my partner 5 years ago after an unhappy marriage.
His had been a happy marriage with his childhood sweetheart. She had an affair and left him for another man and has since emigrated overseas taking 2 of their 4 children with her and has remarried with more children.
For the first 2 years of our relationship he struggled to get through a couple of days without mentioning her. Kirsty liked that, Kirsty did this and that etc.
I did remind him regularly that I really didn’t need to know.
Last year for my 50th birthday I booked a break for us, sharing the cost as just wanted to get away. We both have stressful jobs. I didn’t even get a card from him and although I don’t expect anything from anyone was surprised that no effort whatsoever was made. He had been to several events the year before for my friends birthdays where all partners had made a lot of effort. I must add that this father had been very poorly through this time but he was not particularly close to him. He didn’t even shed a tear at his fathers passing. I was incredibly hurt but said nothing.
Our relationship is not bad. He is a good person with generally a kind heart, great around the house, DIY etc but there is little romance. We don’t argue and life is quite peaceful but not exciting.
I recently felt the need to discuss how I was feeling. Several of my friends are divorced also and with new partners and all very happy and enjoying life. I also had a cancer scare and had to go alone for my results. I called him with positive news but he was at work with phone off. It was 5 hours later he called back and said he was too busy !!
During our recent conversation he said he feels numb and cannot explain why. He said he loves me but has gone through so much both as a child and through his marriage that he is finding it difficult to be romantic or even give me a cuddle. I asked him how he would feel if we parted and he said he would be absolutely fine.
I don’t know what to think. He said he definitely wants to stay together and will try and get help.
As I approach later life I just feel very sad that this may be it. We have financial commitments and pets so naturally want things to work but I really questioning things.
Any feedback or points of view would be welcome x

OP posts:

Blueuggboots · 28/07/2021 14:24

Why are you bothering?? He sounds like he just doesn't care.
My OH doesn't really care about birthdays but she knows I do, so she makes an effort.
If he was bothered, he'd do the same.

Themadcatparade · 28/07/2021 14:33

It sounds like he has checked out and now you are starting to do the same.

No you should never settle, you have years of life ahead of you, why waste them?

jelly79 · 28/07/2021 14:43

He has told you he would be fine if you split. Sound da like he is just settling too and you with resent him or feel like you are not enough. No one needs that x

Nerfelite · 28/07/2021 14:45

Fuck. That. Shit.

I can see why Kirsty ran off TBH.

DismantledKing · 28/07/2021 14:45

It sounds like this relationship has reached a natural end

ravenmum · 28/07/2021 14:57

For the first 2 years of our relationship he struggled to get through a couple of days without mentioning her. Kirsty liked that, Kirsty did this and that etc.
I had a date with a man that did this. One date.

I must add that this father had been very poorly through this time but he was not particularly close to him. He didn’t even shed a tear at his fathers passing
To be honest, this would make me wonder if he had some childhood trauma, rather than thinking he was unaffected by the death.

I also had a cancer scare and had to go alone for my results. I called him with positive news but he was at work with phone off. It was 5 hours later he called back and said he was too busy
Too busy to hear your results?

I asked him how he would feel if we parted and he said he would be absolutely fine
Well, he's honest. How about you? You say that being with him is settling - i.e. he's not the love of your life either? So you'd both be fine breaking up?

You're 50, so it's not like there's any pressure for you to stay with him because you want to have children before it's too late, or because you have children with him. Is there some other pressure you haven't mentioned?

Aprilx · 28/07/2021 15:07

I think you need to cut your losses. You can have what your friends have, but not with him, I think you are more of a companion for him than anything.

candycane222 · 28/07/2021 15:07

I've never had a flatmate, never mind a partner, who would a) not at least get a card for my birthday and b) not want ti hear about the results of a cancer test.

He seems to be made of wood 🙁

Welshgal85 · 28/07/2021 15:13

Never. Settle!

You deserve better than this!

PieceOfString · 28/07/2021 15:17

I think he's not over the loss of his marriage and as such is not emotionally available.
Maybe he'll never get over it. He is probably stuck having built a while new life around the she's of the old without ever having processed it, he's skipped the bit where he has to unravel and move on.
This is not going to improve and I think you will feel more and more lonely in this relationship and as such probably better off cutting your losses. At least that way you'd be free if someone else came along.

PieceOfString · 28/07/2021 15:17

Ashes of the old

TheTrinity · 28/07/2021 15:17

I totally sympathise and understand having been in a similar situation OP. I agree with others who say you should not settle. This relationship is not working in the sense that it is not giving you what you need and want when it sounds like you are making every reasonable effort. It sounds to me like your partner has a lot of unresolved trauma from his past (childhood and end of his marriage) that he has not even begun to process that's why he is numb. It's not easy for him but really it is his own responsibility to sort himself out IF he wants to. He is already hurting you and making you unhappy. You seem to know what you want and your partner in this relationship you have is not giving you any of that. I personally don't think it will get any better because of his own situation either so I think you know what you need to do. He'll be fine, so you just need to sort out your financial commitments and pets. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but everyone is responsible for their own happiness and all I am saying is you have the chance to find exactly what you want but not when you are stuck in this relationship. I hope the same for him too. All the best

SilverRoe · 28/07/2021 15:25

No don’t settle! He’s made his feelings clear. He’s fondish of you. That’s it. You’re pleasant enough company. That’s it. If you left him he’d shrug. That’s it.

You can settle for that or you can take a chance and be open to meeting someone who adores you.

5togo · 28/07/2021 15:33

He can’t even get you a birthday card? And will you never get a cuddle? I don’t see the point sorry.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/07/2021 15:36

It sounds very much as if you're the rebound girl. Got to be honest, I'd have binned him off after the first month with all the Kirsty shit.

I've been the rebound girl, it bloody sucks and he cheated and left me, after asking me to marry him in front of all his kids. Wanker.

Like a PP I also wonder if there's some childhood trauma which is causing low-level depression. Feeling "numb" is a really common factor. And that can affect people's ability to make meaningful relationships.

But you are not a rehab centre for a broken man. He's made it very clear that he's not bothered if you split up. That's always going to be in your mind now. I'd end this now.

Original poster

Whatdoesonedo · 28/07/2021 16:20

Thanks for your messages. Just wanted to let off steam.
Just hate the thought of starting again. Defo lost my confidence as I’ve got older. Don’t want to talk to friends as they all really like him. Difficult as he would do anything for anyone but clearly has issues. He didn’t have a great start and got married young to create something he never had.
Just feel so mixed. Just got home and flowers and chocolates there. Maybe my words have sunk in !!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2021 16:26

@Nerfelite

Fuck. That. Shit.

I can see why Kirsty ran off TBH.

Exactly this.

Come ON, op. Do you genuinely believe you aren't worth more than this? You really want to settle for the pathetic crumbs this man tosses your way? FUCK THAT. You're only 50 years old, fgs, and you want a life sentence of this? Run for your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2021 16:29

Just got home and flowers and chocolates there. Maybe my words have sunk in !!

Don't kid yourself. All he's doing is the bare minimum to shut you up to keep his easy life. I'd toss them and him in the bin.

Redtartanshoes · 28/07/2021 16:30

Get rid.

If someone tells you who they are then You need to believe them. He is telling you quite clearly who he is. It’s not normal for someone to say “then be absolutely fine” if you split.

Look at your friends relationships for what happiness and romance looks like.

Anordinarymum · 28/07/2021 16:31

So you arrived home to find flowers and chocolates but why? Not a spontaneous act, but a bit of damage limitation.

He clearly knows how you feel if he did not before - it's crystal clear now.

I think you are flogging a dead horse myself but you may think otherwise as you know him and we do not.

You should not be blamed for whatever has happened to him previously. You are special and should be valued. Is what I think.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 28/07/2021 16:34

He has ‘settled’

I’m damn sure he would treat someone he loved properly - with love and respect.

You don’t both have to settle.

5togo · 28/07/2021 16:36

So why didn’t you do flowers and chocolates for your 50th birthday?

Too little too late.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 28/07/2021 16:52

You mention you are financially entwined.
I may well be wrong but
.. Would he be in an uncomfortable postion if you separated (i.e. would his quality of living standards reduce significantly)

Amazed he managed flower amd chocolates now you expressed discontent and talk has turned to what would happen if you separate when he couldn't be bothered to lift a finger for your 50th.

I am another who can see absolutely see why Kirsty fucked off.

ravenmum · 28/07/2021 17:36

Just hate the thought of starting again. Defo lost my confidence as I’ve got older. Don’t want to talk to friends as they all really like him.
Your friends don't have to live with him! I bet if you discussed it, and they are decent friends, they'd actually be very supportive.
I know what you mean about not wanting to start again. But it sounds to me like you got into this a bit too quickly in the first place, ignoring the huge red Kirsty flags? Maybe living alone for a while would improve your confidence? Do you want to live like this for 30 years or more? Or start again in another 10 years when you realise you can't stand it after all?

PieceOfString · 28/07/2021 18:01

'Don’t want to talk to friends as they all really like him.'

Well he's probably very nice and lovely. I'm sure you'd feel the same if he was only a friend. That doesn't mean he's an emotionally available partner who behaves as though he's in it in full, heart and mind, and you're the reason his world is turning.
Maybe get down he knows he isn't giving you the real deal. Perhaps even feels a bit bad about it. But ultimately can't change it, nectar that would require work and you need to be motivated to do work.
Doesn't mean he is calculatingly eating your time either. Maybe he's happy to drift along while you are. Maybe you're happy to drift along, he seems nice enough, not abusive, a bit neglectful but not a bad bloke. Maybe that's better than starting again and being alone. Only you can decide that of course. But at least you can weigh it up having checked how you feel against some objective strangers and had it confirmed that things are kind of ok but a bit lack lustre and you aren't being unreasonable wanting a partner to value you and show he does.

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