Closest friends still following ex husband on social media

[Naomi370]

Hi all,

Hoping for some advice.

I divorced my ex husband a couple of years ago as he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. I finally got the courage to leave him for the sake of my son and my sanity.

After we separated he started a smear campaign to get family and friends to turn against which some did. I’ve managed to pick myself up again, moved, bought a house and now more financially stable. But there’s something that’s still bothering me about 4 specific friends I have.

I have been friends with these ladies for between 15-25years. They know that my ex husband put me through hell and some of them were contacted as part of the smear campaign. I don’t feel like I ever got any real support from them at the time of the divorce and the aftermath, but were good for meeting up for groups lunches just to get my mind off things.

What is really bothering me is that they have continued to follow my ex husband on Facebook. Between them they only met my ex husband a maximum of 10 times. They didn’t have a separate relationship with him and only saw him at e.g. the wedding, my daughter’s birthday party and a couple of social events. I don’t know if they’ve been in contact with him on Facebook but I’m told he regularly posts about new relationships (he’s on marriage number 4) obviously knowing that my friends will tell me about it. If you’ve ever been married to a covert narcissist you will know what I went through.

If any of my friends’ husbands did the same to them, out of loyalty to them I would have unfollowed him, having full knowledge that he mistreated my friend and was very controlling in the marriage. I broached the subject with these friends and I didn’t really get a proper acknowledgment and they’re still following him.

If it had been a normal breakup (i.e not abusive) and they were friends with him independently I would understand why they would want to be neutral but given that this man went out of his way to try to ruin my life, I’m hurt that they would take this stance. It makes me feel like I’m more loyal to them and value them as a friend than they do. Over the years I have helped these ladies with finding work, providing references, advice and support and sometimes financial support.

I was dealing with so much after the divorce and coming out of an abusive relationship that I didn’t have the mental capacity to consider my feelings at the time.

Am I being too sensitive?

Thanks

Honestly I barely check Facebook anymore and have no idea who is on my friends list. It’s very possible friend’s exes are on there. Just speak to them and say you’ve noticed and can they remove him.

It wouldn’t even occur to me to remove people in order to be diplomatic to others. If they are such good friends then I’m sure they think the same way rather than intending to upset you.

Stop helping them, they're acquaintances not friends. Not even good acquaintances by the sound of it.

Following someone on social media doesn't mean you're on their side, or even consider them a friend. It can be interesting in a car crash way watching someone career through life, doesn't mean you approve of their behaviour.

I understand why you don't like it (dp's parents and some of his friends still have his ex on fb even though she has behaved disgustingly and they all know it) but in reality there is not much that you can do.

It might just be a total oversight on their part?

I have no idea who is still on my friends list or not. It only seems to show me certain people regularly so I wouldn’t automatically realise I was friends with someone. I would find it really weird for someone to tell me to stop following someone else. It would feel a bit stalkerish that they’d been checking out my list of friends.

I think you probably are being a bit sensitive. If they were posting all over his timeline that might be a bit different.

@schoolmoveworrier

Don’t think it’s an oversight as I’ve asked them a couple of times why they would continue to follow someone who they know mistreated me. No real answer given.

Many people don’t actively think about their social media and who they have on it. I have all kinds of friends and followed people on social media. Occasionally I’ll get a surprise when the e.g. ex boyfriend of an old university friend I haven’t really spoken to in almost a decade posts something out of the blue.

The algorithms which dictate what shows on your feed also mean that the above is actually quite rare: if you don’t interact with a “friend” for a long time then a lot of what they post simply won’t be visible to you. It’s more than likely they’ve not seen anything your ex has posted in years and have completely forgotten about both him and that he’s on their friend’s list.

They probably like having something to gossip about.

Don’t think it’s an oversight as I’ve asked them a couple of times why they would continue to follow someone who they know mistreated me. No real answer given.

What made you check that they were still friends with him? This would seriously be stepping over a line for me. I have no idea who my friends follow on Facebook.

Or, if you’ve actually told them you’ve been through their friends list, know he’s still there, and have told them to remove him, maybe they have a different view of the relationship and how it ended to the one you’ve given them, and don’t believe your version of it. In which case, I’d concentrate on other friends and accept that sometimes this is just what happens after a break up.

Loads of people add others to their social media accounts and leave them there especially if the account is not used regularly. I do this like other PPs.

It is actually none of your business who friends and acquaintances, in this case, follow on their own individual social media accounts. You need to learn you can't control what others do.

Also it is probably a good thing he has random people following him you know particularly as you claim he's been abusive as they may notice if he is doing anything untoward to your child.

@ComtesseDeSpair

Or, if you’ve actually told them you’ve been through their friends list, know he’s still there, and have told them to remove him, maybe they have a different view of the relationship and how it ended to the one you’ve given them, and don’t believe your version of it. In which case, I’d concentrate on other friends and accept that sometimes this is just what happens after a break up.

Or maybe they don’t appreciate someone going through and checking their friend lists? I certainly wouldn’t.

It's hard to say because it's odd that their replies have brushed you off about it but in all honesty I have continued following friend's exes who have hurt them out of nosiness and to report back to friend if they were the sort to ask, so essentially I have continued following out of loyalty, not lack of it.

I think it really depends on what is actually going on here. Are they friendly with him and commenting on his posts etc, or is he just still on their friends list out of disinterest/oversight, or morbid curiosity?

Honestly I think it’s more concerning that you’re checking peoples social media and wanting them to take sides on Facebook. And you’re still focused on it

It doesn’t matter op, it shouldn’t matter, you’re wanting them to send a message to him by unfriending him. It appears you’re not only divorced he’s actually remarried.

Honestly. Let it go.

@PurpleDaisies

I completely came off Facebook when I filed for divorce. I only know they still follow him because one of them asked me a couple of months ago about him getting married. At the time I didn’t think anything of it but I’ve just found out through a family member of his that he’s on marriage number 4 which happened around the same time this friend asked me the question. The family member was calling me to check on me which he normally does and to let me know that I’d really dodged a bullet!

I blocked my friends narcissist ex on fb.

He contacted me as part of his smear campaign;he was told where to go.

He asked me not to publicly say anything derogatory about him on social media if commenting on my friends status in case his teens saw it to which I asked him well in case why does he swear at and call my friend every name under the sun and accuse her of awful untrue things in front of his teens then;double standards.

Just ignore these friends of yours;they obviously love gossip.As for the new woman?;the poor cow;she's his latest victim.

@thenewduchessofhastings

Thanks, I learnt through counselling that narcissists are not normal people and everything they do is calculated in order for you to pay for daring to leave them, and will use those around you.

The new wife doesn’t know what she’s in for but she’ll know in a couple of years.

I'm all for ignoring other people's social media for sanity's sake however it doesn't sit right that they know the history and profess to be friends.

I'd concentrate on other people tbh. Or at least keep it very light and not go out of my way to give a helping hand.

I’m really confused about how you’re so sure multiple friends are definitely still friends with him based on one of them making a comment about him getting married again.

It sounds like you want to ditch these friends. That’s totally fine if you don’t want to continue bothering with them. It’s just a bit strange to do it over this.

It sounds like you’re well shot of your ex.

I unfriended anyone who took my abusive ex's side when we split up. Doesn't matter if they would have potentially been a good source of support or whatever, I'd rather have 2 people who are 100% for me than 6 who are giving me the benefit of the doubt/are nosy/love drama. In my case, he did things that were objectively unforgivable, in some cases illegal, and these people witnessed it and excused them in their minds. They aren't friends.

One friend on my Facebook posted 'anyone who has my Mum on here as a friend please delete/remove me'. Such a drama queen. Sure she's posted similar about other family in the past. Anyway she is back in with her Mum now, so all those people who did as she asked I'm sure will be expected to re-friend her old Mother dear.
Your friends may not want any drama from deleting him, maybe they've just unfollowed him instead
.

@DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda

Following someone on social media doesn't mean you're on their side, or even consider them a friend. It can be interesting in a car crash way watching someone career through life, doesn't mean you approve of their behaviour.

That’s what I was thinking. It’s plain nosiness about the man who abused their friend. They’re ‘friends’ with him for surveillance reasons.

It’s probably nothing personal or doesn’t mean they’re on team-ex, more that they just never cull anyone on social media.

I totally get you Op. this would make me question the friendships. I’m for loyalty. Keep yourself distanced and no more helping these 4. They’re acquaintances. No financial help from you going forward. Cultivate new friendships.